Hairy Snout, Human Heart
by Wuff
Summary: When Remus is sixteen, he is finally allowed to go to Hogwarts. But life is not as easy as that if you don't know how to behave around other teenagers and, worse, if you are bullied by a gang led by the infamous Sirius Black. Slash: SiriusxRemus.
1. The New Student

**Author's Note:**

**Summary:** When Remus is sixteen, he is finally allowed to go to Hogwarts. But life is not as easy as that if you don't know how to behave around other teenagers and, worse, if you are bullied by a gang led by the infamous Sirius Black.

**Characters: **Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, a little bit of Peter, Lily, maybe James, several teachers and occasionally OCs as fillers.

**Pairing:** Will be Remus/Sirius slash later. For all of you who do not know what 'slash' is: It means they have a homosexual relationship.

**Length:** I guess it will be about 20 chapters long. I know where I want this story to go but it is not written down yet.

**Disclaimer: **Of course I don't own Harry Potter. I don't own the title for this either. It's JKR's too. And I don't even own Professor Ötzli. I got the name from a book I read once...don't even remember its title, it was pretty stupid, actually, but I really liked the name 'Ötzli' ;-)

I should perhaps mention that English is not my first language, so please forgive any grammar/vocabulary mistakes - this goes only for the first three chapters. From the fourth chapter onwards, this story is betaed.

Reviews... of course I love getting reviews! Who does not? So, I'll stop here and spare you from my pleas and beggings. Enjoy the story!

* * *

**Chapter One**

**The New Student**

Twenty pairs of eyes curiously stared at Remus, examined him suspiciously or smiled encouragingly at him. The latter was the exception. But even if anyone had smiled at him in welcome – Remus did not perceive much of it anyway. He felt like nakedly entering a stage under the scrutinising glances of ten thousand spectators – instead of a simple school class. Obviously, he was not naked either but wore a second-hand set of the Hogwarts school uniform.

"Good morning," Professor McGonagall, who stood next to him, greeted the class. "Before we plunge into work, I'd like to present your new classmate Remus Lupin. The Hat sorted him into Gryffindor this morning. Mr Lupin has had the privilege of private tuition so far but now he wants to take his N.E.W.T.S. at Hogwarts. Speaking of N.E.W.T.S.…" After showing Remus a place next to a tall, skinny boy called Chris McKinnon, she immediately started lecturing them about their final examinations and quickly went on to start the actual lesson.

Fortunately, today's lesson was about Untransfiguration, about which Remus had just read a few chapters last evening in order to be prepared for his first school day. So he was able to answer a few questions, and Professor McGonagall gave him ten House Points.

With an unbeknown feeling of something akin to pride, Remus raised his hand once again but when he had just opened his mouth to answer yet another question (and hopefully earn more House Points!), he was interrupted by something whooshing past him right into Professor McGonagall's outstretched hand. She inspected the confiscated item, which proved to be a piece of parchment, and opened it.

"_Meet me in Hogsmeade tonight?_" she read the message written on the parchment aloud. A deep crease furrowed her brow and she looked up with a very reproachful expression. "Mr Black, this is the first lesson after the summer holidays. Why does it have to start already now again? Couldn't you write your love letters during breaks?"

Remus turned around to look at the person addressed: an exceptionally handsome looking boy tilting on his chair in the last row.

"But, Professor, the _love letter_ was meant for you," Black retorted, casually ran a hand through his dark hair (which was much too long for a boy, by the way) and grinned roguishly.

Remus laughed along with the rest of the class. Even their teacher obviously was not immune to Black's charm and could not completely refrain from smiling. Quickly hiding her amusement, she shook her head in desperation, rolled her eyes and continued with the lesson.

_I'd like to be friends with him_, was Remus's first thought about that classmate of his. Maybe the boy was a bit too cheeky but you could certainly have lots of fun with him.

-------

Remus's next class was Defence against the Dark Arts. As Chris McKinnon, his table neighbour from the previous class, did not continue this subject for his N.E.W.T.S., Remus sat down next to the bold boy with the long hair. He eyed Remus somewhat irritably when the latter put his textbook, parchment, quill and ink on the table.

"Hello," Remus said, smiling at the boy. He returned the greeting with a curt nod of his head. "My name is Remus Lupin. What's your name?"

"Sirius."

Remus unscrewed his bottle of ink, dipped the quill into it and wrote _Defence against the Dark Arts. 1976, September 2 _in the right upper corner of his parchment. "What you said to Professor McGonagall was really funny."

Sirius jumped slightly. It seemed he had thought their conversation had been finished. "Hm? What do you mean?"

"The thing about the love letter," Remus said, grinning.

"Ah," was all Sirius said.

Then their teacher, a tall man with grey, curly hair and thick glasses, entered the classroom. "Good morning everyone."

"Good morning - …." Being the only one who properly replied the greeting, Remus felt a bit self-conscious. Some of his classmates had mumbled a bored "Morning" but most of them just continued their conversations, though in slightly more hushed voices. Consequently, Remus drew the teacher's attention to him.

"Ah, you're the new student. Remus Lupin, right? I am Professor Ötzli."

"I'm pleased to meet you," Remus replied politely. He heard someone chuckle behind him.

"Most of the time in your Defence against the Dark Arts classes, you've learned how to defend yourselves against curses cast by wizards", Professor Ötzli said. "This year, you will learn how to deal with dark creatures. We will start with dementors today. As you are a N.E.W.T. class, I suppose you all know what a dementor is. Still, let's repeat a few things: Who can tell me why a dementor is so dangerous? Ah, yes, Mr Lupin."

"Dementors feed on positive human emotions. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them, thus draining wizards – or muggles likewise – of their powers."

"Correct. And what is the dementor's worst weapon? Yes, Mr Lupin please again?"

"The dementor's last and worst weapon is called the Dementor's Kiss. It sucks out the soul of its victim, leaving him an empty shell, alive but completely, irretrievably gone."

"Correct. You seem to be carefully prepared. I'm glad to see that. Fifteen points to Gryffindor."

Remus beamed. He had already earned twenty-five points for his House today. He threw Sirius a side-glance but he was busy with folding a parchment into a little dragon. He was not very good at it. A few years ago, Remus had spent weeks with folding parchment-creatures. He had gone through all sorts of dragons. He could even do hippogriffs and phoenixes. Maybe he could show Sirius later.

Professor Ötzli's next questions about dementors were quite easy, and Remus was really glad he did not seem to be far behind the other students, who had already had the chance to spend five years at Hogwarts.

"Where do you usually find dementors? Mr Black?"

Sirius did not react but touched the parchment-dragon with his wand, making it emit a little puff of steam. Remus lightly kicked Sirius's leg under the table.

"Ouch!" Sirius threw him an accusing glance. Remus tried to tell him with his eyes that Professor Ötzli had addressed him but Sirius did not seem to understand.

"Mr Black, I asked you a question. Five points from Gryffindor for occupying yourself with things which do not belong into this class," Professor Ötzli reprimanded him. Sirius gave him a hostile look. "So? Where can dementors be found?" Professor Ötzli repeated his question.

Secretly, Remus pushed a piece of parchment, on which he had hurriedly scribbled the correct answer, to Sirius.

Sirius briefly glanced at it. "Africa," he said disinterestedly.

"No!" Remus burst out uncomprehendingly. He had not written that on the parchment!

"Mr Lupin? Then what is the correct answer?"

"Dementors infest the darkest, filthiest, coldest places. They are attracted by misery and suffering."

"Correct. You should follow his example, Mr Black."

"Merlin forbid!" Sirius muttered in irritation.

"Excuse me?" Professor Ötzli said strictly. "Ten more points from Gryffindor for being impudent."

Remus was slightly taken aback by Sirius's behaviour. Just why had he ignored Remus's help and purposefully given a wrong answer? And then he had said… _Merlin forbid!_ … What had he meant by that?

"How can you defend yourself against a dementor? Miss Davies?"

"The Patronus Charm," a girl with brown fuzzy hair who was sitting behind Remus answered.

"Correct. Yes, Mr Lupin?"

Remus had waited for the time somebody addressed the topic of the Patronus Charm. He had read so much about it but had no idea how it worked. Needless to say, he was thrilled that he would hopefully finally learn that Charm. "I have a question concerning the Patronus Charm, Professor Ötzli. I have read that you can also use the Patronus Charm as a defence against other menaces, like for example against a lethifold. Am I correct with my assumption that the Patronus's defence mechanism does not operate specifically with a dementor but has a universal function? So then what exactly makes a Patronus work?"

Sirius rolled his eyes in irritation and Davies asked loudly, "What is a lethifold?"

"A lethifold?" Remus turned around to look at her. "In the vernacular it is also called the 'living shroud'," he explained.

"Merlin's beard," Sirius groaned.

"And what exactly is a 'living shroud'?" Davies asked, frowning.

"It resembles a dark cloak which attacks sleeping humans, smothers them and then digests them, leaving no trace at all."

"How sweet," Davies commented and pulled a face.

"May I interrupt the discussion?" Professor Ötzli interrupted the discussion. "To get back to your question, Mr Lupin: A Patronus is the embodiment of the positive thoughts of the caster. It stands between victim and attacker as a protection, and a very powerful Patronus will even put the attacker to flight. So, practically, you could use a Patronus against any creature that's attacking you. But that's highly advanced magic which is not taught at school. It's something Aurors learn in their training."

"Oh," Remus said, slightly disappointed.

Then the bell chimed to signal the end of the lesson. Remus hurried to catch up with Sirius, who had been the first one to storm out of the classroom.

"Hey, Sirius," he said, while struggling to keep up with the taller boy's long strides. "You see, I didn't want to show you up when you didn't know the answer to Professor Ötzli's question. I'm really sorry for the way it happened but, to be honest, I don't quite understand why you didn't –"

"Lupin, don't drive me bonkers," Sirius snarled, coming abruptly to a halt. "Just leave me alone, okay? We don't need such a smart-ass here who has had private tuition and shows of with quoting all the books of the world. And, by the way, I prefer it if people ask me before they sit down next to me." With that, Sirius whirled around and left a shocked Remus behind.

Swallowing hard, Remus stared dumbfounded at Sirius's retreating back and the black, billowing cloak. His words had hit Remus hard. He had never meant to behave like a…a…_smart-ass_. He had even tried to help Sirius and all the same, Sirius did not want to have to do anything with him.

Remus staggered into the opposite direction than all the other students, who were heading for lunch in the Great Hall. He wanted to go outside and be alone. He trotted down the slope in the grounds towards the Forbidden Forest. Reaching the first trees, he flung his bag to the ground, angrily bit back his tears and sat down, leaning his back against the trunk of a big tree.

He had imagined everything to be so different. He had been so happy… When his most fervent wish had finally come true and he was accepted in Hogwarts after waiting in vain for so many years, the future had seemed to be bright for once in his life…

Secluded and without any friends, he had grown up with no one else but his parents around. And, naturally, he had never had private tuition but had read book after book, desperate to learn everything the other students would learn at school. He had read all the required textbooks, most of them several times, and also additional literature in order to maintain the remote possibility that someday he would be permitted in Hogwarts. He had to be ready. So he had read until his eyes would burn because he just could not give up hope.

And then the miracle had come true. Albus Dumbledore had allowed him to come here. Remus had dreamed of the magnificent castle, of roaming its many secret passageways with his friends at night, of finally using magic properly, of getting all the answers to his many questions. He had pictured how much fun it would be to brew potions or work in the greenhouses together with the whole class. But now… Now he felt insecure and completely out of place.

-------

In the afternoon, Remus had Potions taught by Professor Slughorn. This time, he sat down at an empty table (which remained empty) and tried not to behave like a nerd. They were to brew potions in teams of two. Remus was left without a partner.

"You don't have a partner? Well, that's not a problem. Like that, I can personally care for you," Professor Slughorn said amicably. "And I can see what your present state of knowledge in potions is."

It was not a very pleasant lesson. Under Professor Slughorn's scrutinising eye, Remus did not bring off a good potion and to crown it all, Remus's stomach started rumbling.

"Someone's hungry?" Professor Slughorn asked, winking, after an almost wolfish growl of Remus's stomach. "Ah, I should be able to solve that problem. Accio chocolate frog!" Out of Professor Slughorn's briefcase, a chocolate frog zoomed into his hand. He passed it to Remus. "Here, eat it, my boy. I've got loads of them. You must know, I'm really close friends with Ambrosius Flume, the owner of Honeydukes."

Terribly ashamed, Remus grabbed the sweets, murmured a "Thank you" and gulped down the chocolate. He quickly looked around if anyone had noticed, which Sirius, of course, had.

"Is anyone else willing to make a generous donation for the _new student_? Maybe, if you're lucky, he's nice enough to explain to you what a lethifold is called in the _vernacular_," Sirius taunted. His remark caused laughter among the other students. Remus felt the heat rising in his cheeks.

"Sirius, Sirius, every time again I hope you will return as a decent boy from the holidays," Professor Slughorn said, half desperate, half amused. Sirius did not say anything in return but just gave his teacher a hard look.

Finally, the bell rang and the lesson was over. Despite the chocolate frog, Remus was terribly hungry but Professor Slughorn stopped him from leaving the classroom.

"Remus, Sirius, Lily, a word please."

With a very bad feeling, Remus stood next to Sirius and Lily, a very handsome girl with long, red hair, in front of Professor Slughorn's desk.

"I wanted to celebrate a little start-of-term party," Professor Slughorn explained. "You are invited to come to my office on Friday at eight pm."

"I don't know yet if I have time for it," Lily said apologetically. "You can certainly imagine that, as a prefect, I'm really busy now with helping all the new students."

"Of course. I'd be all the more happy to see you at my party. Well then, a good evening to all of you."

"Thank you, a good evening to you too," Remus replied.

"Yes, thank you, the same to you," Lily said as well.

There was a little awkward pause during which everyone stared expectantly at Sirius until he muttered a reluctant "Thanks, same to you," and then quickly dashed off.

Remus and Lily walked back together. As soon as they were out of earshot, Lily said, "If I were you, I wouldn't go to the party. Most of the people there are idiots. A few are invited because they're exceptionally intelligent or have some special talents but the majority of them are just there because Slughorn hopes to establish good relations with their parents, who are either rich or have a good name. Like Sirius."

Suddenly, Remus understood. "You mean – Sirius is a _Black_? Like 'Black' in _the_ pureblood family Black?"

"Yes," Lily said simply but her expression made it very obvious that she had the same opinion on that family as Remus did.

"I see…," Remus said mostly to himself. Now everything made sense. Now he understood why Sirius behaved in such a mean way towards him. Of course… Remus's parents had warned him of such people. The old wizard families despised children from muggles or wizard-muggle-intermarriage. They despised _werewolves_ even more. One of the most prominent old wizard families were the Blacks.

"Don't worry about the things Sirius says," Lily encouraged him. "He's just a little, spoiled, arrogant brat with a big mouth. Unfortunately, he has crowds of admirers. The little boys think he is sooo _cool_ and the little girls think he's sooo _cute_." She rolled her eyes and muttered, "It's really pathetic… all the people who mindlessly follow him around and cheer for him… Yeah, that's how things work at this school. Hey, I guess I should show you around. After all, I'm a prefect, so it's my job to help new students get to know Hogwarts. And trust me, that's not an easy thing. On my first day here, I kept getting lost the whole day."

"It would be really nice of you to help me. It's just… I'm a bit hungry and I'd like to eat something first. I didn't have anything for lunch."

"Didn't find the Great Hall? Got lost?" She grinned at him and then grabbed hold of him when he almost tripped into a vanishing step.

"Thanks," Remus said, glad that the little incident had saved him from explaining why he had not had lunch.


	2. Confrontations

**Author's Note:** Is it just me or does anyone else have problems with FFN too? During the last days, I couldn't read several stories and sometimes the latest updates were not listed at all... Strange...

Just so you know: This chapter is not meant to glorify smoking. It's just meant to create Sirius an image as a bad guy ;-)

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Confrontations**

Remus Lupin liked the food in Hogwarts. He liked Lily. He liked the teachers. He did _not_ like Sirius Black.

That was Remus's personal summary of his first day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was strange to think that one single boy could outweigh all the good things of one day… Right now, however, Remus was busy with hungrily gulping down his second portion of mashed potatoes, while Lily was explaining to him about Hogwarts and its rules.

"…if you want to play Quidditch, go to the captain of your House, they will usually do tryouts. We have a new captain this year, John Lee, he belongs to Black's gang too but he is not half as bad as the one we had last year…"

Remus was not particularly interested in Quidditch and he was outright lousy at flying. He had never had someone to train with. When he was just about to shove another heap of mashed potatoes into his mouth, his food lifted off. Flabbergasted, his gaze followed the yellowish pulp which gently floated past his face and halted in midair right over his head.

"Black, don't drive me crazy with your childishness," Lily's annoyed voice jerked him out of his almost paralysed state. He tore his eyes away from the floating food and his eyes met Sirius Black sitting opposite him at the table. He was leaning back in his chair, his wand lazily directed at the mashed potatoes, and grinned self-confidently at Lily.

"You can't take a bit of fun, can you, Miss-Perfect-Evans?"

"I just wonder what your idea of _fun_ is!" Lily shot back. "Whatever, as a prefect, I will take points from your House if you don't stop this…this nonsense immediately," she said warningly.

"That's not a very convincing threat, my dear. You won't go through with it. Besides, _if_ you did, I'd certainly splatter this delicious meal on your neighbour's head and who knows, maybe your beautiful, long, red, shining, definitely washed with Fairy Conditioner hair would be ruined too."

Incredulously, Lily shook her head. "How would you know what Fairy Conditioner is? Oh, maybe _you_ use it so all the girls will think you're so irresistible?"

_Splash!_

Cheers and laughter erupted around Remus. He had to blink several times until he could recognise the blurred faces of the laughing students. Clumsily, he tried to wipe the sticky, slushy stuff out of his face but it just got worse. The pulp stuck to his fingers and he just smeared himself up even more.

"Black, you're the most…immature, childish, babyish person I know!" Lily ranted while Remus started helplessly licking the mash from his fingers but he knew it was really pointless: It would take a _very_ long time to lick it all off.

"See, I knew you wouldn't take points from your own House, Evans," Sirius said self-satisfactorily. He and his friends stood up and left the Great Hall.

Lily made a furious sound, then she pushed a handkerchief into Remus's hand, which he gratefully accepted. "Of course I don't take points from my own House! Black loses enough points anyway! If I take points from Gryffindor too, we'll be on the last place of the House Cup _again_! And the problem is: He knows very well I won't take points from Gryffindor! He's driving me nuts!"

"I think I'm going to take a shower," Remus changed the topic and indicated the mess of his hair. He and Lily looked at each other for a moment. Then both of them burst out laughing at the same time. "I must look like a complete idiot," Remus chuckled.

"Too right," Lily agreed, grinning.

When Remus entered the Gryffindor common room, he was met by a loud voice.

"Stylish hairstyle, Lupin!" It was one of Sirius's friends. That remark caused more laughter and more derisive comments on Remus's appearance.

It was then that Remus had enough of it. He had had enough of being laughed down.

"Black, could you lend me your Fairy Conditioner?" he asked ostensibly calmly and amicably. "I mean, it even helps against your dandruffs, doesn't it?"

"You use _Fairy Conditioner_?" asked a blonde girl who sat next to Sirius, and she sounded almost disgusted.

"You have dandruffs?" another girl asked incredulously.

"Sure, I've got dandruffs, warts, spots, athlete's foot, festers all over my body! …oh, yes, I forgot, there's a toe missing on my left foot!" Sirius retorted aggressively.

Satisfied with the reaction he had evoked in Sirius, Remus went up the spiral staircase to his dormitory and looked for shampoo in his trunk (naturally, he did _not_ use Fairy Conditioner). Suddenly, he heard the door slam shut behind him. He was about to straighten up and look who had caused the noise when he was brutally seized and shoved hard against the wall.

His attacker was Sirius Black and he was _very_ angry. Remus had no chance to struggle against him as Sirius was taller and stronger and pushed his shoulders hard against the wall.

"What are you doing?" Remus gasped.

Sirius tightened his grip on Remus's shoulders so that his fingers dug painfully into Remus's flesh. "Listen, if you spread lies about me one more time, you'll be in mighty trouble! You understand me? You'll be in _really big trouble_!" He leant closer, his face inches from Remus's, and a scornful sneer tainted his handsome features. "Do you understand me?" he asked threateningly. Remus could feel Sirius's hot breath on his face, he helplessly squirmed and tried to free himself from Sirius's grip, only to be roughly shaken once again. "Answer me! Do you understand?" Sirius repeated. His dark hair hung in his face, almost hiding his face behind it, making him look really dangerous. Remus nodded weakly.

"And now go and wash out that ridiculous stuff from your hair!" Sirius said contemptuously and pushed Remus away from him, making Remus stumble on his trembling legs and landing ungracefully on his bottom. "Merlin's pants, you're pathetic," Sirius said disdainfully, turned on his heels and slammed the door shut behind him.

Too afraid Sirius might come back, Remus hardly dared to move or breathe. When several minutes had passed without anything happening, he decided to follow Sirius's advice to finally wash his hair. Supporting himself on a bedpost, he rose on his shaking legs and grabbed with equally shaking hands the shampoo bottle, which he had dropped when Sirius had attacked him.

He locked the door to the bathroom three times until he felt relatively secure. When the hot water ran down his back, he felt again the lump forming in his throat. He did not know how he could ever survive through this school, which suddenly seemed so hostile towards him. At the same time, he was outraged by Sirius acting as a leader of that stupid gang of his. Brutally, he rubbed the shampoo in his hair. There was a bitter taste in his mouth. Maybe it was the shampoo – or maybe it were tears.

-------

Remus had to share a dormitory with the other four Gryffindor boys in his year. No one was exactly happy about it. Chris McKinnon curtly showed where he was to sleep (to Remus's horror, it was the bed next to Sirius's) but aside from that, the other boys just behaved as if Remus was not there at all. Remus thought it could have been worse. For the moment, he was glad that no one threatened him. Feeling really uneasy, he sat on the edge of his bed and pretended to be busy rummaging his few belongings for the umpteenth time.

Apart from Sirius Black and Chris McKinnon, there was the boy who had made the remark on Remus's hairstyle. He was tall with blond, curly hair, a little nose and lots of pimples. The other boy was smaller and somewhat inconspicuous. He did not seem to be particularly hostile towards Remus.

While Remus removed his neatly folded clothes from his trunk, folded them neatly and place them into the trunk again, the other boys told each other of their holidays.

"I heard your sister got a new boyfriend, Alex," Chris addressed the blond boy with the many pimples.

"Yep, she got to know him when we were in Portugal," Alex, who sat on the windowsill, replied nonchalantly. He leant out of the window and spat down.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, stop!" Sirius counted the seconds until the spit hit the ground, it seemed. His arms crossed over his chest, he leant casually back against the windowsill. "Lousy performance."

"I really wonder how she manages to get new boyfriends again and again," Alex said. "With her looks…" The other three boys laughed briefly.

"What about you and Megan, Sirius?" Chris asked curiously.

"That has already been over for a long time," Sirius said, unaffected. "Dumped her in the Hogwarts Express, before the summer holidays."

"I see. So? Is there someone new?" Chris asked interestedly.

"Nah. I don't get to see many hot chicks during the holidays."

"Why don't you pick up that little Malfoy?" Alex suggested. "You've certainly seen her, haven't you?"

Sirius grimaced in irritation. "She's stupid."

"But cute," Chris said, grinning. "You see, if I were you, I'd consider her for a little flirt in the holidays."

"Too dangerous. My mother might hurl herself into the marriage preparations." That remark earned lots of laughter again.

"That's alright. I'm happy if you leave her to me," Alex said mischievously, making the boys laugh even harder. Remus did not grasp the joke in it at all. He wondered if it were just these four boys or if everyone here was as disgusting as that.

"And what about Lucia?" asked the little boy, who sat next to Chris on his bed.

"Lucia?" Alex pretended to have forgotten the name. "Aaaah, who needs Lucia if I can have Belinda Malfoy?"

"Uh-oh, don't let Lucia hear that," Chris said, waggling his finger in mock warning at Alex.

"Cigarette?" Sirius pulled a little packet out of his cloak.

"Sure, sure!" Alex said enthusiastically.

Sirius gave out cigarettes to the three boys. Then his gaze rested on Remus. He seemed to consider it for a while but then he abruptly asked harshly, "Want one too?"

"No thank you, I don't smoke," Remus said and blushed slightly.

Without paying him further attention, Sirius got back to his place in front of the window.

"Wow, that's really a luxury brand," Chris said admiringly after thoroughly examining his cigarette. "How did you get your hands on them?"

"Nicked it," Sirius said, shrugging as if it was not a big deal at all. "In Knockturn Alley."

Chris and the little boy looked at him in awe and Alex wolf whistled. "That's brilliant, mate."

"It's really hard stuff, you know," Sirius said casually. The others nodded knowingly. After a short time, thick, pungent smoke filled the room. It smelled distinctly of wormwood and made you feel sleepy but it also gave you a bit of a headache. Remus had to try very hard not to cough. Soon he closed the curtains around his bed and lay down to sleep.

But sleep did not come easy. Even when everyone else had already fallen asleep, Remus lay still awake in his grand bed. Maybe it was the still lingering unpleasant smell from the cigarettes. Or the new bed, which did not feel uncomfortable but just so different. Or the fact that there were four other boys in this room who did not like him. Or maybe it were just the many impressions and sensations of this big castle, which was buzzing with life and so unlike the life Remus had had earlier.

When he decided to get up and get something to drink or go to the toilet, he realised he was not the only person who was still awake. The room was completely dark and he could only recognise Sirius's scheme because he was leaning out of the open window, puffing little clouds of bluish smoke into the night air. Remus thought he resembled a living shroud. Dark, dangerous, a silent predator of the night. Very careful not to produce a sound, he closed the curtains around his bed again and lay down. He did not want Sirius to notice he was being watched. He feared Sirius was the kind of person who would even become aggressive if someone just watched him.

-------

The next morning, Remus had almost overslept. He had had only very few hours of sleep and he was not a morning person at all. To make matters worse, he had double History of Magic, which proved to be exceptionally soporific.

After the lessons, Lily took him aside. "I've heard you have picked a quarrel with Sirius Black," she said, shaking her head. "Don't do that again. It's not worth it. You're just making your life a living hell."

"Honestly, I think it's bad enough if someone just drops mashed potatoes on my head for no reason whatsoever!"

"Of course that's not great but trust me: Black can do much, much worse things than dropping mashed potatoes on your head. He can't cope with being a scorn to his comrades. And since Potter has left, he is even worse… Potter was his best friend," she added as an explanation upon seeing Remus's confused expression. "He was as bad as Black but now he's gone to some sort of Quidditch training academy and since then, Black obviously thinks he has to make up for it, making as much trouble as two people, you know. This morning, he really shocked the first years with such disgusting, wet, slippery hands which would grasp their throats – isn't it great what sort of rubbish some shops sell?! – he beat the living daylight out of Snape and I just heard him show off with the amount of detentions he has already been given by Filch – Filch is the caretaker." Lily took a deep breath. "What I wanted to say is: Stay away from him."

Remus would have liked to argue that it was very difficult to stay away from someone if you shared a dormitory and had most classes together. But then it was already time for him to hurry to his next classes, Herbology.

When he arrived at the greenhouses, many students were already there. Remus uncertainly took a look around. Most of the other students stood together in little groups, chatting animatedly. Not knowing if he was allowed to just join a group, he nervously shuffled his feet in the wet grass. Then he saw Davies, the girl with whom he had Defence against the Dark Arts, walking down the slope from the castle. She was alone and searchingly looked around. Remus quickly took a few steps towards her.

"Hello!"

She briefly looked at him absent-mindedly. "Hi."

"Do you have Herbology now too?" Remus started a conversation.

"No, Potions," she retorted slightly mockingly but not really unfriendly.

Remus grinned. "By the way, I wanted to tell you that lethifolds do not live in Europe. They are very rare and are only found in tropical regions. So you don't have to worry."

She grinned but rolled her eyes in irritation. "I'm neither anxious nor stupid. I've already checked in my textbook for Care of Magical Creatures."

"Oh –"

"Hi Lucia!" Alex, Sirius, Chris and the little boy had appeared behind Davies.

"Hi Alex." She kissed him lightly on his cheek.

"In what kind of company are you?" Sirius reprimanded her. "You better be careful, we don't want you to become a little nerd like him."

Alex put an arm around Lucia's shoulders and suddenly the five of them had formed a circle and Remus was on the outside.

"So have you already a date for studying together in the library?" Sirius teased her.

Davies laughed. "Don't be so mean, Sirius."

Remus quickly put a few feet of distance between him and them. He did not feel like listening to that conversation any longer.

And the rest of the week passed much like that.


	3. The Slug Club

**Author's Note:** Because someone asked: This story will NOT contain Mary Sues... (shudders violently)... No, when I said it would contain OCs as fillers, I meant just that. Sirius and Remus are the protagonists and I needed someone (like Chris McKinnon, Alex, Lucia Davies) to fill the school ;-) They're just people to whom Sirius and Remus talk occasionally and, well, if Sirius has a gang, there have to be students in this gang, right? But, I repeat, all of them are just minor characters and... they could be called Darth Hinkypunk (and look like it) or whatever. See what I mean? ;-)

* * *

**Chapter Three**

**The Slug Club**

Friday evening, Professor Slughorn's start-of-term party took place. Remus was filled with dread at the prospect of it, especially as Lily would not be there. She could talk her way out of it because she was a prefect and had so many responsibilities to attend. Lily was the only student who was friendly towards Remus. He would have never made the presumption to regard their relationship as a friendship but she at least wished him a "good morning" every day and sometimes talked to him about homework between lessons.

Professor Slughorn's office was arranged to be cosy. A dozen of velvet armchairs were grouped around a low table, which was loaded with sweets and butterbeer. Golden candles floated beneath the ceiling. Five other students had already arrived before Remus. He chose the chair which was farthest away from them.

More students arrived in dribs and drabs. A very beautiful girl with long, shining blond hair and pale blue eyes sat down next to Remus.

"Hi," she said amicably and offered him a smile in greeting.

"Hi." Remus smiled back, a bit of his tension draining by her unexpected friendliness.

"You haven't been here before, have you?" she started a conversation.

"No, I'm new at this school."

She gave him a confused glance. "But you are…?"

"Not a first year, yes. I've had private tuition before I came here."

Then Professor Slughorn, who occupied the biggest armchair, cleared his throat. "Well. I'm pleased to see you here at my modest little party. Unfortunately, Lily could not come because of her prefect duties. Well, first of all, I'd like to introduce a new student in our midst. Maybe some of you have already met him –"

That very moment, Sirius burst, without knocking, into the room.

"Ah, Sirius, my boy, it's wonderful to see you." Some of the students laughed. "Sit down, sit down. There is still a vacant seat next to Remus." Professor Slughorn indicated the only vacant armchair in the room. "I take it, being in the same year, the two of you have already met?"

Without a word and with a very sullen expression on his face, Sirius dropped down into the chair next to Remus.

"So, everyone else," Professor Slughorn continued cheerfully, "this is Remus Lupin. Remus, these are: Belinda Malfoy –" Professor Slughorn indicated the pretty girl sitting next to Remus.

_Malfoy_. That name had been often mentioned along with _Black_. One more of the pureblood families. Remus swallowed. He felt trapped between a Malfoy and a Black.

Meanwhile, Professor Slughorn continued with introducing the rest of the students. "…Flavius Maguire…" A tiny student nervously stared at Remus.

"…Regulus Black…" _One more of them…_ Regulus looked like a smaller version of Sirius. But he had shorter hair, was dressed more properly and he somehow moved in a different way than his brother.

"… Kerstin Nott…" _Nott_ – someone from an old wizard family _again_. Remus felt more and more uneasy. Were here only purebloods? Because then he was wrong here…

"And, of course, Sirius Black," Professor Slughorn finished his enumeration. "Flavius, what were your holidays like?" he addressed the tiny boy. "Have you seen your Aunt?"

"Erm…no. B-but she visited us for a weekend because it was my mother's birthday…"

"Remus Lupin, right?" Belinda Malfoy suddenly addressed him.

"Uh…yes."

"I don't think I've heard the name before," she said apologetically. "I guess you're not from a pureblood family?"

"No." Remus tried very hard to sound cold but he did not succeed at all.

"I'm a Malfoy, that's why I'm here," Belinda explained. "You have heard the name 'Malfoy' before, have you?"

"Sure," Remus quickly confirmed.

"What's your father's profession? Something special?" she went on with the interrogation.

"Not really. He works in the Ministry, in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. He mostly deals with marine creatures."

"Hmm." She gave him one more smile. "Then you have done something yourself to earn your invitation to join the Slug-Club. You're probably something like a promising talent."

"Yeah, a talent in bootlicking," Sirius interrupted their conversation. "He's really good at that." Belinda frowned at him. "If I were you, I'd be more careful, Belinda," Sirius said sneeringly. "Your family certainly won't be happy if they find out who you spend time with. As you just concluded: He is not pureblood. You certainly don't want to mix your wonderful pure blood with him…"

"Sirius, I asked him some questions. No one said anything of marriage!" she retorted, half amused, half angry.

"Well, you are of an age now that you have to consider your options for the future," Sirius said haughtily.

"Well, unfortunately there aren't many _options_!" she shot back.

"You can have Regulus," Sirius said offhandedly.

Meanwhile, everyone had turned silent and listened curiously to their argument. "Sirius, I know you don't want to marry me now," Belinda said in a forced patient tone, "and I understand you want to enjoy your freedom a bit longer. But as I said, there aren't many of us left. So… Couldn't we at least try to get to know each other a little bit?"

"Remus, how do you like this school?" Professor Slughorn broke the awkward silence which followed her statement. Suddenly, everyone, who had listened in rapt silence to Belinda and Sirius discussing their marriage, focussed their attention on Remus.

"It's nice here," Remus lied smoothly. Sirius was the only one who did not stare at him but sipped his bottle of butterbeer in disinterest.

"There were a few, ah… complications which prevented Remus from coming to Hogwarts until now," Professor Slughorn explained. "But the other teachers assured me you do quite well in your classes, don't you?"

"Yes, it's okay," Remus replied.

"You see, I've been wondering if you perhaps knew Rudolf Kelini? Rumours has it that he is one too."

Remus startled in shock. Had Professor Slughorn gone mad? He could not just address this here in front of everyone else! "No," Remus said fiercely.

"What 'no'? You don't know him or he isn't one?" Professor Slughorn insisted.

"I don't know him," Remus said in a low voice.

"So he is one?" Professor Slughorn asked excitedly.

"Excuse me, sir, but _what_ is that Kelini supposed to be?" Regulus Black asked.

"Ah, typical obsessive curiosity of the Blacks," Professor Slughorn said, winking at Regulus. "Sometimes it's better not to know things. So, Remus, is he one?"

"I don't know," Remus whispered.

"I'm sorry?"

"_I don't know_," he repeated desperately.

"Oh, I see," Professor Slughorn said, disappointed. "Well, everyone, it's already late. How time flies if you're enjoying yourself… But I guess you should probably go back now into your towers. Any volunteers who would be so nice to help me clean up a bit?"

"Lupin would certainly love to do it," Sirius said spitefully.

"Would you? That would be really nice."

"Okay," Remus muttered.

When the other students had left, Remus collected the empty butterbeer bottles. "_Accio. Accio. Accio_."

Professor Slughorn curiously watched him. "Neat wandwork. You won't believe it but some N.E.W.T. students still haven't mastered the Summoning Charm perfectly yet. How did you learn it?"

"My mother taught me."

"Ah. You know it's illegal, don't you?"

"Yes, I know very well it's illegal," Remus said morosely. "But I don't see why. And besides, if my mother hadn't taught me, I would be a first year now."

"Yes, yes, of course, my dear boy," Professor Slughorn quickly obliged. "I just wanted to point out to you that you should not tell everyone about it. You must know, not everyone is as tolerant as I am." Remus nodded. Of course he knew people were not tolerant. "Very well then, thanks again for your help and a good evening."

"Thanks, to you too." As quickly as possible, Remus left Slughorn's office. The corridors in the castle were already dark. The portraits were sound asleep, some snoring softly, and only a few torches illuminated the corridors. Suddenly Remus heard noises in a nearby classroom. The door was slightly ajar. Cautiously, Remus tiptoed closer and peeked through the crack in the door.

In the middle of the dimly lit classroom stood Sirius and Belinda, their limbs entangled, and snogging extensively. Sirius's hand ran possessively through Belinda's blond, shimmering hair. Remus could hear smacking and slurping little noises and the fast breathing of the two kissing people. Sirius moved on to kiss and lick her neck and, with a little moan, Belinda let her head fall back so he had perfect access to her neck. His hands glided under her white blouse, making her moan softly again, and he pressed her lithe body closer against him.

As quickly and quietly as possible, Remus sneaked off. He did not dare imagine what Sirius would do to him if he ever found out Remus had observed him in such a situation.

The next day, you could see Sirius and Belinda together everywhere. Most people watched the couple with jealousy. The girls were jealous of Belinda and the boys were jealous of Sirius.

"He's such a hypocrite," Lily said, annoyed, when Belinda Malfoy came to the Gryffindor Table after breakfast in order to give Sirius a little kiss on his cheek. "Last year – oh, much longer than that! – he kept telling everyone how absolutely dumb she is, and now, suddenly, he seems to have decided that good looks are more important than intelligence…"

While Sirius and Belinda were snogging once again (she sat in his lap and his hands had quickly wandered under her blouse again), the owls arrived. Sirius did not notice the letter, which an owl had dropped on his plate, so Alex took it.

"Oh, it's from James." He ripped the envelope open.

"Heh, give it to me!" Sirius almost shoved Belinda from his lap in his attempt to reach the letter but Alex had already begun reading it aloud and everyone was listening.

"_Hi Sirius,_

_it's really cool here! We play Quidditch three hours every day and of course there's even more additional training. That's not really fun because the coaches are really strict and the exercises are bloody hard. Compared to them, Minerva, that old cat, is almost humane. Most of the people are really nice. Well, some are pretty bigheaded because they think they're gonna be the next Hamish MacFarlan and lots of them are Magpies fans – urgh. But there's a boy called Eric, he plays Chaser too, he's new at the academy too and he supports the Tornadoes, he's alright. Next month we'll go to a stadium and watch a match of the Champions League, just imagine! And now comes the best: We'll be doing formation flying and other stunts before the match starts – I WILL BE FLYING IN FRONT OF 10.000 PEOPLE!!! Isn't it bloody brilliant?! _

_I hope you hold the fort? Give Mrs Norris a hard kick from me, and greeting__s to everyone, especially to Peter and Evans. And to Minerva, of course! And Snivellus (enjoy!)_

_Take care,_

_James._"

Angrily, Sirius yanked the letter from Alex's hand. "Thank you very much for your help! Seeing that I can't read… Evans, Peter, you heard it. Greetings."

Lily flushed bright red and huffed indignantly. "He's nutters, he really thinks I would ever fancy him. And he thinks the _other_ students at the academy are bigheaded!"

The next day, when Remus had got lost on his way to the Great Hall once _again_, he stumbled upon Sirius kissing – Lucia Davies. They were in a deserted corridor and much too preoccupied to notice Remus's presence. Open-mouthed and at a loss for words, Remus stared at them. He could not believe it. Sirius really got a nerve! And no scruples whatsoever. He was not only betraying his girlfriend with another girl but also one of his friends – Alex – whose girlfriend he was currently snogging.

_I wonder who will be the "lucky" girl tomorrow_, Remus thought. It was then that he decided he would not play along with Sirius and his behaviour any longer. No, he would not shy away anymore. He may not know how to behave at school, he did not know Hogwarts's unwritten rules, but he knew very well that it was plainly and simply wrong to use people like Sirius did. It was disgusting: snogging another girl each day. And Remus felt sorry for both Belinda and Lucia. Although Belinda was a Malfoy, she had seemed nice enough. No, she did not deserve being betrayed like that.

So he waited for her in front of the Slytherin common room. "Belinda, I need to speak to you."

Confused, she turned around. "Okay. What's the matter, Re-…erm…"

"Remus," he said and he felt a bit offended that people forgot his name so quickly.

"Remus, right." She smiled apologetically at him. "I have a really bad memory for names."

"Sirius is betraying you," Remus came out with the truth right away.

"I'm sorry?" Belinda said and she sounded almost amused.

"I've seen him kissing another girl. I'm sorry."

"You're crazy," she retorted angrily. "Will you stop spreading such rumours! You just want us to split up because you're jealous of Sirius! You can't seriously believe I would ever consider being together with someone like you! Mean liar! Conniving Mudblood!"

With that, she turned on her heels and stalked inside her common room.

_Mudblood! Mudblood! Mudblood!_

The word echoed in Remus's head again and again. She was a Malfoy. So this happened if you tried to help people. She took it out on him just because she could not bear to hear the truth.


	4. Fighting a Boggart

**Author's Note**: I want to thank everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I love reading your reviews and they really encourage me to go on with this. THANK YOU!!!

More good news: I have found a beta reader for this now: Sentrosi. Thanks to you too! From now on, I will pay more attention to the _suit _of armours ;-)

* * *

**Chapter 4**

**Fighting a Boggart**

Belinda calling him "Mudblood" was not the only consequence that followed his decision to tell her about Sirius betraying her...

In the evening when Remus came back from the library and wanted to go into the Gryffindor common room, Sirius, Alex, Chris and Peter (Remus had finally found out the name of the shy boy who was also in his dormitory) stood in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady, blocking his way.

"Could I please get through?" Remus ground out. He did not get an answer. "Could you please move aside?" he tried again.

"No," Sirius said unperturbedly.

"I have the right get into the Gryffindor common room." Remus took a step forward. Sirius and Alex grabbed an arm of him respectively.

"No, you don't have the right," Sirius said nastily. "A little cowardice traitor like you has no place in Gryffindor."

Remus laughed disbelievingly at that. "Listen who's talking! A _Black_. I really wonder how you got sorted into Gryffindor. Probably your parents had to bribe the Sorting Hat with tons of silver."

Sirius's fingers clawed deeper into Remus's arm, which felt number and number with each passing second. "Careful, Lupin," Sirius hissed.

"Yeah, shut up, little nerd," Alex said.

Remus shook his head incredulously. "I can't believe you still support him after he's made a play for your girlfriend. That's pathetic, really."

Alex kicked his shin really hard. "_Shut the fuck up_!"

"Ouch!" Remus exclaimed in shock. Before he knew it, the two boys shoved him into a suit of armour, which shattered down on him with loud rattling. Laughing, the four boys ran away. Cursing under his breath, Remus got on his feet again. The helmet of the suit had painfully collided with his head. He wanted to go through the portrait hole but the Fat Lady would simply not let him through, insisting he had the wrong password.

"So, so, so, here we have the culprit," he heard a voice behind him. It was Filch, the caretaker, who eyed him with a smug smirk. "Have you any idea what a valuable suit of armour you have damaged?"

"I didn't do it purposefully, sir," Remus defended himself.

Filch laughed derisively. "Firstly, it doesn't matter if you did it purposefully or not, and second, I don't believe you anyway. Follow me in my office. We'll see if we have a fitting punishment for you."

-------

Filch did find a punishment for Remus: He had to clean all the suits of armour throughout the entire castle. Right after his lessons had finished, he had to start scraping rusty suits of armour. And while he knelt at the feet of an enormous suit and tried his best to polish the boots, Sirius and his friends took every opportunity to make snide remarks. After several hours, he had just finished four suits. That meant one corridor. Remus did not dare imagine how many suits of armour existed in the whole castle. Presumably, his two school years would not suffice to clean them all.

But as things looked now, he would have to repeat a year anyway. Filch did not let him go before 10pm and most of the time, he had to work beyond midnight and was consequently tired the next morning in class. All in all, it was not the brightest time.

One day, he had lost his temper. Alex had spat on a suit of armour he had just finished polishing. In his frustration, Remus had thrown the dirty cloth in Alex's face. It had been a stupid idea… Sirius's Tickling Charm and Alex's Finger-Removing Jinx had proved to be an unhealthy combination… It had neither caused tickling nor had it removed any of Remus's fingers. Instead, little strings of neon green seaweed had grown out of his ears. They had stayed there for three days. And, of course, had been the cause for more mockery.

-------

It was another evening after hours of senseless work. Remus was glaring moodily at the pile of homework in front of him on the desk. With the dull automatic movements he had required during the last days, he opened his textbook for Defence against the Dark Arts and grabbed his quill. Writing was difficult because his arm hurt so much from the exhausting work, causing his hand to tremble with the effort of scratching the quill over the parchment. He had to write an essay on Boggarts and normally it would have been easy for him but at this time of the day, his brain did not function properly anymore, and so it took him almost two hours to finish it. When he had planted the full stop after the last sentence, he leant heavily back in his chair and breathed a deep sigh of relief.

Too tired to move on to bed, he kept staring at the illegible scrawl he had produced. Suddenly, the parchment gently took off. Remus blinked a few times because he suspected his burning eyes were playing a trick on him. But then he noticed Sirius standing in front of the fireplace. The parchment floated into his outstretched hand.

"_Boggarts do not have a constant shape but belong to the species of shape-shifters,_" Sirius read in a schoolmaster voice. "_They take the form of the thing which their victims fears most._" He glanced up from the parchment and smirked at Remus. "Well, I'm sorry to say but there is obviously a slip in the grammar. _Their victim_ is in the plural but you inflected the verb into the singular form. I'm afraid you have to write it again." And with that, Sirius tore the parchment into halves. "So sorry," he said gleefully.

Remus could not muster up the energy to stop him. So he had to witness how Sirius gloatingly tore his essay into more and more smaller pieces and discarded them into the fire. When he had finished his "work" he looked up at Remus again. "By the way, there's still dirt on your left cheek. You should wash it."

"Why?" Remus said wearily. "If I washed it, you'd find something else. You'd suddenly realise my haircut is ridiculous or my cloak is old-fashioned – so where's the point in washing my face?"

Sirius opened his mouth to reply something but then he closed it again, frowning. Apparently, he was at a loss for words. If Remus had not been so tired, he would have felt a triumph at having rendered Sirius Black speechless for a moment.

Remus stayed sitting there like that, gazing into the dying flames of the fire, for a long time. He lacked the vigour to experience anger or hate at the moment. And where was the point in it? Where was the point in doing homework? Where was the point in studying? Where was the point of being at this school?

-------

The next morning, his muscles were aching (he had fallen asleep in the armchair in the common room) and he did not have his homework for Defence against the Dark Arts.

"I forgot my homework," he told Professor Ötzli in a subdued voice and stared down at the empty piece of parchment in front of him.

Professor Ötzli, who was collecting the rolls of parchment with the essays from everyone, frowned disapprovingly at him. "Well, Mr Lupin, you're new at this school and you certainly cannot afford just _forgetting_ your homework. If such sloppiness starts already now at the beginning of the term, things look bleak for your future." Remus turned crimson red and kept his gaze fixed on his empty parchment. "Five points from Gryffindor," Professor Ötzli said strictly.

_What next?_ The other Gryffindors already hated Remus and it would get even worse if he started losing points as well.

"Well. At the beginning of the lesson, you will write a little test so I can check who only copied other people's homework and who really learned something." With a flick from Professor Ötzli's wand, parchments with the questions distributed themselves among the students.

All the questions were about Boggarts and as Remus had already acquired knowledge on the topic last night, he would at least not disappoint Professor Ötzli again. Peter Pettigrew, who sat next to him, obviously had more trouble answering the questions. He nervously chewed at his quill and kept throwing quick side-glances at Remus's or Sirius's answer sheets. Apparently, he had not found something useful on Sirius's answer sheet, so when Professor Ötzli was at the other end of the classroom, he leant towards Remus and whispered desperately, "Help me!"

Remus moved his parchment somewhat for Peter to see it better. The chubby boy sighed in relief and immediately started copying Remus's answers in lightning speed. In the meantime, Remus hoped strongly that Professor Ötzli would not notice anything.

Fortunately, everything went well, and when Professor Ötzli collected the answer sheets, Peter whispered a "Thank you".

Then they learned how to fight a real Boggart. It was really creepy. All the time, monsters and horror scenarios turned up in the classroom. It was an emotional roller coaster: At first, everyone shrieked in panic or disgust, then the whole class erupted into laughter, then they screamed again…Remus was sweating and his heart thudded loudly in his chest. Most of the students did very well. But then, when it was Peter's turn to fight the boggart, things got out of control.

Peter saw himself lying in a pool of blood. The living Peter's face turned almost as chalk white as the corpse's skin. He staggered backwards, unable to say or do anything. Two students caught him and thus saved him from collapsing on the floor.

"Bring him outside, he needs fresh air," Professor Ötzli ordered. "The next one!"

It was Lily's turn. There was a little _plop_ and Peter's corpse stood up. It looked as if the little, chubby body was stretched, and then he opened his eyes, and the eyes were red.

Although Remus had never seen him before, he knew immediately who it was. Livid scarlet eyes… slits for nostrils… a white and gaunt face… a long, black cloak… The students backed away in panic and gasped in shock.

Lily lifted her trembling hand and pointed the wand at the dark wizard whose name Remus did not even dare to think but she did not say _'Riddikulus' _but "_Expelliarmus_!"

The tall wizard laughed a maniac laugh and menacingly approached Lily. She staggered further backwards and kept trying to disarm him.

"The next one!" Professor Ötzli shouted and even he sounded slightly nervous.

_Just __why doesn't anyone do anything?_ Remus wondered desperately. Someone just had to move forward, and as soon as the Boggart turned to them, the image of He Who Must Not Be Names would vanish. But no one dared getting closer towards the Dark Lord.

"I will kill you, little Mudblood," he hissed. "But at first I will take care of your filthy muggle-parents. I will torture them in front of you, oh yessss."

"No!" Lily sobbed, her whole body trembling.

Finally, Remus pulled himself together and took two big steps forward. The Dark Lord eyed him for a moment out of his glaring red eyes. Then, the place where the most evil wizard ever had just stood was empty. Instead, a silver full moon hung above Remus's head. He could not disengage his eyes from the sight. It was as if the moon hypnotised him. Dimly he became aware how everyone settled down again. Everyone but Remus. There was nothing which would make a full moon look ridiculous. Remus just stood there, not able to keep a clear head. But then, very slowly, an unbidden thought crept into his hazy consciousness:

_What if I transform? Here and now, in front of everyone else. Then they will know. No, worse, I will attack them!!!_

At long last, he found the strength to react. He turned on his heels and stormed out of the classroom. He ran and ran and ran, without knowing whereto. Just away. Away from the full moon. That was all that mattered. Away from its pale, silver light. Away from its gravitational (or _magical_?) pull.

Finally, when his lungs felt as if they would explode any minute, he slowed down and leant heavily back against a cold stonewall. He had no idea in which part of the castle he was currently. It did not matter. Everything was fine as long as he was still human.

Then he heard the faint chime of the bell which signalled the end of the lesson. There were voices – chattering students – a few corridors to his right. He followed the noise and saw that it were younger students who came out of the Potions classroom. He just followed them like a sleepwalker, simply blissful to be a human among other humans.

Gradually, his agitated breathing calmed down and soon his earlier behaviour seemed almost ludicrous to him. A little Boggart-moon certainly did not have the same affect on him like the real moon, right? Being able to think straight again, he also realised that his bag with books and writing things was still in the classroom for Defence against the Dark Arts. So he did not follow the other students who hurried for the Great Hall to eat lunch but changed the direction and walked back empty corridors.

But his belongings were not in the classroom anymore. Had someone taken it for him? Possibly Lily? He decided to check in Gryffindor Tower. Perhaps someone from his classmates knew where his bag was.

When he arrived at the portrait hole, several people were already waiting for him. Sirius, Alex, Chris and Peter blocked his way once again. But they were not the only ones. On the whole, there were at least fifteen other students, boys and girls from all grades. Remus had a very bad feeling when he found himself face to face with that group.

"Are you, by any chance, looking for _this_?" Sirius asked amicably and held up Remus's bag.

"I bet he's already afraid of not being able to do his homework quickly enough," Alex taunted him. Some of the group laughed maliciously.

"I'm betting you aren't going to give it back?" Remus tried very hard to sound calm when he spoke to Sirius.

"Hey, you aren't as stupid as I thought," Sirius said mockingly.

"So? What do you want?" Remus asked tensely.

"I'm just interested in what it was that your Boggart turned into."

Remus's insides cramped convulsively and he had the sudden urge to vomit. If Sirius, of any people, found out about his secret… He did not even dare to finish the thought. "It was what I fear the most," Remus said almost defiantly.

"_I'd like to know it more specifically_," Sirius said, and he sounded really dangerous.

"But I will not tell you."

"Then you won't get your bag back."

"That's okay with me." Remus shrugged and turned to leave but he did not get far. The other students had subtly closed a circle around him. He got more and more worried when he met all the curious or hostile glares. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked nervously.

"Just tell us what your Boggart was and we'll leave you alone," Sirius explained.

"You can't force me to tell you!"

"Are you sure?" Sirius smiled.

Remus gulped. "I will not tell you and that's all there is to it! Could you please let me go now?"

"No," Alex said firmly. "First we want to know why you're afraid of a silver orb."

Remus glared angrily at him. "I swallowed a marble when I was a little kid and I almost choked on it!"

"How very funny." Alex drew his wand. The others followed his lead.

Remus did not even bother to reach for his own wand. Firstly, there were far too many opponents, and secondly, they all were better at this than him. He had never duelled against anyone before.

"We would really like to avoid violence," Sirius claimed, "so you better tell us now."

Remus just silently shook his head as an answer. Then someone muttered something and suddenly he was hanging upside-down in midair. Little by little, strange things happened with his body, things he could not control at all. One moment, he was spinning quickly around, next moment, his arms and legs twisted in odd angles. Sometimes it felt as if something bashed against the back of his head. Again and again he could hear people shouting to him to finally tell it, and they threatened him with more pain if he did not speak.

He would never tell them. _Never_. No matter what they did to him. He gasped in pain and shock when he received a brutal blow into his stomach. He tasted blood and his eyes burnt as if he had rubbed soap into them.

"That's enough!" someone suddenly shouted and then it was over.

Remus dropped down to the floor in an ungraceful heap. He simply rested there, his head covered under his arms. He felt dizzy and there was a rushing in his ears. He did not dare to move. _A teacher_, he thought. _Please let it be a teacher_. Hopefully, the other students had to see Professor Dumbledore now. In the meantime, Remus would run away. Just away, without taking any of his belongings with him. He just needed to get away from these students. _There is just the question how I'll be able to 'run' like this_, he though in an odd moment of self-irony.

"I'm against torture," he faintly heard a voice. "It's not right, it's what Death Eaters do. Behave in a more civilised way, okay?"

Remus slightly lifted his head in order to see who was talking. Unfortunately, there was no teacher to be seen.

"So what? What are we supposed to do with him?" That was definitely Alex's voice.

"If we let him go, he's going to snitch on us at once." Remus identified that voice as Chris's.

"I don't think so," said Sirius.

"Well, and what _if_ he does?" Chris insisted.

"Dunno," Sirius said undecidedly.

Remus let his head fall back into his arms. He did not really get what they were talking about.

"I thought you wanted to know what his Boggart was."

"Yes, sure."

"Alright then, no torture. What if we imprison him?"

"And then what?"

"Then we'll hold him prisoner until he tells us the truth."

"I'm alright with it."

"Okay."

"Let's do it then."


	5. Prisoner

**Author's Note:** I'd like to thank my beta reader Sentrosi and all of you who reviewed - you make writing this so much more fun! I'm glad to see that so many feel sympathetic with our favourite werewolf.

Warning: This chapter contains more evilness from some students and a hopelessly nice Remus ;-)

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**Chapter Five**

**Prisoner**

"Someone check if the coast is clear."

Remus was shackled, gagged and blindfolded. He was too exhausted to struggle when he was being pulled rudely on his feet. He just let them pull him with them. All the time, he was hoping desperately that they would run into a teacher but from what he could understand from the conversations going on around him there was always someone who was the advance guard and would warn the others if a teacher was close.

They walked down several stairs and Remus stumbled repeatedly but the two students who led him had a hard grip on him and so he never actually fell down.

Finally, they had arrived – wherever they had brought him. Someone took off his blindfold. He blinked a few times before his burning eyes could take his surroundings in. He and Sirius's gang were in a small room with a low ceiling. As it did not have any windows, Remus reckoned this room was somewhere in the dungeons.

_In the dungeons…how very fitting!_

The room looked as if it was used for celebrating little parties. There was a narrow bed, a gigantic, dirty armchair and several seat cushions on the floor. Empty bottles stood everywhere and the floor was littered with wrappings, little sweet boxes and crumbs. The two boys who were holding Remus (he knew neither of them) dragged him towards the bed.

"Sit down," one of them said harshly.

Unresistingly, Remus obeyed and sat down on the hard stone floor next to the bed. His hands were chained to the bedpost.

"Well." Sirius knelt down in front of him. "Just so you know: There is no point in calling for help. No one will hear you here." Remus did not doubt it for a moment and stayed silent when Sirius removed the gag from his mouth. "You don't have to stay here, shackled and all," Sirius said. "Just tell us what we want to hear and we'll let you go."

"No. No, I will not tell you. Never."

Sighing, Sirius stood up again. "Then, unfortunately, we don't have another choice but keep you here. I'm sorry but that's what you asked for."

_Sure, that's exactly what I asked for_, Remus thought bitterly. Sirius seemed to be waiting for an answer but in Remus's opinion, there was nothing more to say.

"Transfiguration starts in a few minutes," Peter suddenly piped up.

Remus just could not believe it: Still this morning, he had let Peter copy his test and now Peter did…_such things_! Remus let his gaze wander over the rest of the gang. He did not even know most of them and he had no idea what he might have done to them to deserve this. _Why are they doing this???_

"Someone has to stay here to guard him. We'll change the guard every hour," Sirius ordered. "Who is first?"

"I can do it," a small girl said. "I would have only Divination now."

Sirius nodded. "Alright. You'll stay until someone comes to take over in an hour. See you."

They dropped off and left Remus alone with the small girl. She was petite, had blond, short hair, many freckles, and looked rather friendly.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Because!" she retorted snootily.

"Brilliant," Remus said, his voice full of irony. "You really thought it through, didn't you?"

"If you say something silly again, I'll thump you, understand?!" Her bossy behaviour proved Remus's first assessment of her very wrong. She went to a cabinet and took a packet of chewing gum from it. She made a show of being ultimately cool when she slowly and casually shoved it into her mouth. "So, nerd, now tell me what the boggart was!" she said smackingly.

"How would you know if I'm a nerd?" Remus retorted. "As far as I know, we don't have any lessons together, do we?"

"My friend is in your Herbology class and he told me about you, nerd."

"What's your name anyway?"

"None of your concern, nerd. You want something from me, or what? Ey, forget about it. Do you know how ridiculous your cloak looks?"

"Yes, I know it's not new. I don't have as much money as Black to buy me a new one once a month."

"But you have enough money for _private tuition_. Nerd!"

At some point, she grew tired of insulting him as a nerd and lay down on the bed where she noisily chewed on her chewing gum.

After an hour, which felt like eternity to Remus in his uncomfortable position on the floor, a boy, whom he recognised as John Lee, the Quidditch captain, came into the room. As farewell, the girl spat her chewing gum at Remus's feet.

"Bye bye, nerd!"

Fortunately, John Lee just lay down on the bed and did not pay Remus any attention. He was really glad to be left in peace and did not try to start a conversation. Alex was the next one. He kicked into Remus's side a few times and tried to make him spill his secret but in the end he gave up.

The next hours passed much like that. Some just let him in peace, others tried to make him speak, others used him to experiment with their latest jinxes and hexes. Because of the hourly changing of the guard, Remus kept – more or less – track of the time. It should be about midnight now. All his bones and muscles ached terribly, he was hungry and he was dying to go to the loo. His despair grew with every passing second.

Currently, he had a very brutal guard: a lanky boy who kept shooting curses at him did not give up to get the truth about his boggart out of him. When the door opened and Sirius came in, however, he stopped at once. Remus had an odd feeling of relief – something he had never thought he would feel upon seeing Sirius Black. If he had got it right from the earlier conversation, Sirius had been _against_ torturing him. Maybe that meant there was an hour of peace for Remus now.

"He still hasn't said anything," the brutal boy informed Sirius.

Sirius shrugged in obvious disinterest. "Yeah, I guess. See you tomorrow, Derek."

"See you." And then the boy finally left.

Remus relaxed considerably but when he noticed Sirius scrutinising him thoroughly, he immediately tensed up again.

"Derek used curses on you, didn't he?" Sirius asked, squinting his eyes. Remus did not bother to comment on it. "I take that as a yes," Sirius stated, "otherwise you would have disagreed. You know, politeness won't get you far here."

Remus thought it was a really odd thing to say but maybe that was simply because his brain did not work properly anymore from pain and tiredness.

Sirius sighed and continued, "I don't understand you. Why don't you just tell us? You would save us lots of trouble. You would save _yourself_ lots of trouble."

"I will not tell you," Remus repeated for the hundredth time as it seemed.

Sirius shook his head in incomprehension. "_Why_ not?"

"Why do you want to know?"

Sirius grinned mischievously. "Sluggy would probably call it _obsessive curiosity_."

"_Obsessive_…indeed," Remus said dryly.

Sirius groaned in frustration. "Listen, I'm against torture too. I don't like this at all."

That admission came as a bit of a surprise to Remus. "Then why are you doing it?" he asked interestedly.

"Good question…" Sirius took a bottle of butterbeer from the cabinet and made himself comfortable on the bed.

"For the reason that I'm a nerd?" Remus suggested when he did not get an answer.

"I don't think you're a nerd," Sirius said calmly. Remus gaped. _This_ was something _entirely_ new. "I have another definition of 'nerd' than most people," Sirius explained. "In my opinion, someone who knows lots of stuff, who behaves well in lessons and is friendly towards the teachers, is not necessarily a nerd. In my opinion, a nerd is someone who does _everything_ to get good marks, who bootlicks the teachers and afterwards talks shit about them behind their backs. Who runs the classmates down in front of the teacher, who snitches, who thinks he is above everyone else and who doesn't help anyone. Well, that's not what you do, is it? You helped Peter during the test this morning. You didn't snitch us when we shoved you into the suit of armour and you had to do the detention alone. Therefore you're not a nerd."

"Oh. Right." Remus was getting more and more confused by Sirius's talk. It was the first time that Sirius talked to him in a normal tone, and, furthermore, he even said reasonable things. But that only confused Remus more. "Then why do you treat me like this?" he asked blankly. "Because I'm not pureblood?"

"You just judge me by my name," Sirius said quietly. "You know I'm a Black and draw the conclusion that I hate muggle-borns or that I am already in training to become a Death Eater. You know what, Lupin? You're not better than the others either. You're just as intolerant as everyone else. Stereotypical thinking. The Blacks judge people by their blood, you judge people by their name. That's not much of a difference, is it?"

Remus felt somewhat forced onto the defensive. But then he remembered, "On Professor Slughorn's party you said to Belinda that she shouldn't talk to me because I'm not a pureblood."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I wanted to challenge her. She, too, is from one of the old wizarding families and has fully adopted such racist thinking."

"And you have not?"

"I'm in Gryffindor. I'm the first Black to ever be in Gryffindor." There was a trace of pride in Sirius's voice.

Remus, however, was not sure if being in Gryffindor was a reason to be proud. Besides, Sirius had not really done anything to achieve it. The Sorting Hat had simply decided to put him into Gryffindor. Such a decision of the Hat did not automatically make you a good person. "That doesn't mean you're better than Belinda," he told Sirius. "Maybe she has that old-fashioned pureblood thinking but she behaves in a much nicer way than you. And therefore, you fit very well in the image I have of the Blacks nonetheless."

Suddenly, Sirius did very strange things: He threw his cloak aside, pulled his T-shirt over his head and turned his back to Remus. "See that?!" he shouted angrily.

Remus was appalled when he saw the bruises and contusions on Sirius's back. A very crazy thought occurred to him: _Maybe Sirius is a werewolf too!_ But this "hope" was quickly destroyed when Sirius continued in a barely controlled voice.

"You know what this is?! My parents _beat_ me! For example for my _impudence_ to get into Gryffindor! Do your parents beat you?" He wheeled around to glare at Remus with flaring eyes.

"N-no," Remus said, shocked.

"I've heard rumours that other parents _love_ their children! But I _hate_ them! This summer holidays, I ran away from home! Because I could not bear to live there _one more second_! You can accuse me of _everything_: of being a coward, of being vain, arrogant, brutal - … But. Never. Accuse. Me. Of. Being. A. Black. Okay?!?" Snorting half in anger, half in despair, Sirius put his T-shirt back on, dropped down onto the bed, grabbed the bottle of butterbeer and took a deep swig.

"I…I'm sorry," Remus said, crestfallen. "If I'd known… I'd never have said it."

"Yes. Yes…I know," Sirius said. He sounded relatively calm again but he avoided looking at Remus.

"I had no idea… You could have told me."

Sirius gave a short, humourless laugh. "Do you really think I enjoy discussing it? I like to pretend it didn't happen. It's not as easy as that to talk about it."

"I can imagine that," Remus said sympathetically.

"There are lots of idiots at this school," Sirius abruptly changed the topic. "The only true friend I ever had was James Potter. But he's left now, he went to a Quidditch academy. The others here are mostly wimps. They just follow me around and do what I tell them to do. You're the only one here who has a bit of guts."

"I thought they're your friends…" Remus said in bewilderment.

Sirius smiled thinly. "Depends on what your definition of 'friends' is. They're more my admirers than my friends. Honestly, I'd rather have someone like you as a friend than those idiots."

Remus was at a complete loss for words. He hardly could believe what he was hearing. If Sirius preferred someone like him as a friend and despised the others – then why did he behave in the complete opposite way?! "You have a very strange way of showing that," Remus said, still perplexed.

Sirius grinned slightly. "You could be right there…" Suddenly full of verve, he jumped up from the bed, knelt down next to Remus and loosened the ropes which chained him to the bedpost. When Remus carefully moved his arms, which had been tied backwards for hours, a piercing pain raced through his shoulder blades. Groaning quietly, he pressed his lips together. At first, he just remained sitting on the floor, giving his body the chance to get used to its freedom again.

"Do you want to stay there forever?" Sirius, who had sat down on the bed again, asked slightly tauntingly.

Unsure what to make of the whole situation, Remus stood up and walked over towards the armchair. It was really big, and Remus felt a bit lost and timid when he sat on the edge. "So…you ran away from home," he awkwardly started a conversation when Sirius still had not said anything else. "Where do you live now?"

"Hogwarts, obviously. I always stay here during the holidays. And in the summer holidays, I stayed at the cheapest hotel in Great Britain I could find."

"What do your parents say?"

Sirius shrugged ostensibly casually. "No idea. Haven't spoken to them since then. They're probably glad to be rid of me. And they certainly try to cover up the _scandal_ from the public. The Blacks are famous after all, right? They are ashamed of me in front of the Malfoys, Notts and Lestranges."

"That must be really terrible for you," Remus said abashedly. "Do you have siblings?"

"A little brother, Regulus. You met him at the Slug Club. He's an idiot, just like my parents."

"So how come you're different from them?" Remus asked interestedly.

Sirius smiled sadly. "James. When I got to know him here in Hogwarts, things changed. I mean, he's a pureblood too but he comes from a family who is _sane_. And, seriously, you just have to open your eyes in Hogwarts and you'll see that here are a lot of non-purebloods who are nice and intelligent. But that's too much logic for my parents. It's not really easy to oppose them. I got dozens of howlers and the summer holidays…they were always the worst… I really miss James. He was the only one to whom I could talk about such things. You know, I wasn't always like this. Since James has left I just feel so…lost. I mean, sure, of course I know how crazy he is about Quidditch but I'd have never thought that he would leave…Hogwarts for it. I know you despise me for having new girlfriends every week. It's just…so I can prove to myself – and to everyone else – that I can have everyone I want. That there are enough people who are interested in me." Sirius paused in his monologue and frowned slightly. "Not a good reason, is it?"

"No, it's not. Of course I can understand that your life is not easy at the moment with the problems with your families and your best friend gone. But that's not a reason for _using_ all the girls. You hurt their feelings, don't you realise that?"

"I never forced anyone of them into anything," Sirius said defiantly. "They did it voluntarily. They knew what they were getting involved with. I have a reputation, you know?"

"But I bet every girl thought she was different to you than all the others and you'd maybe really fall in love with her."

Sirius snorted. "I can't understand them," he said bitterly. "They're stupid, aren't they? They get involved with me although they know I'm a big ass. They want to be with me just because…just because I have…_good looks_!"

Shocked, Remus noticed that tears were filling Sirius's eyes. With shaking fingers, Sirius seized the butterbeer bottle and took a long swig. "I just wished people would be interested in _me_ for a change, in me: Sirius, not in my looks or my name or my reputation or whatever." Angrily, Sirius wiped away a single tear which had slid down his cheek.

At this moment, he was neither threatening nor brutal, he was not the arrogant leader of a powerful gang or the confident bigmouth, but just a little, hurt boy. Remus understood that the cool daredevil behaviour was probably just a mask to hide a lonely boy who felt unloved and needed attention. Regardless of what Sirius had done to him, Remus truly felt sorry for him. Cautiously he sat down next to Sirius on the bed and gently put an arm around his shoulders. At once, Sirius tensed under his touch. Sirius did not say anything but just stared down at his hands in his lap.

"Maybe you just have to show people who you really are," Remus suggested. "If no one really knows you, they can't love you for who you are."

"The problem is: I don't even know it myself," Sirius said falteringly. "My surname is 'Black' but I do not belong to the Black family. But everyone whose surname is not 'Black' think I am a Black nonetheless and think I belong there. The thing is, I don't belong anywhere. The closest thing I have to a home is Hogwarts but it's not the same without James. I'm a leader of people whom I don't even know and who don't know me either, and I don't want to get to know them or belong to them." Sirius gave a choked sob. "Before, I could at least say that I have friends instead of a family but now there's no one…" His shoulders were shaking and silent tears rolled down his cheeks while he angrily pressed his lips together.

Without thinking, Remus simply embraced him. At first, he thought Sirius would struggle and shove him away but then all the tension left his body, his shoulders sagged and he leant heavily against Remus's shoulder. Remus tightly held him with one arm and with his other hand, he soothingly rubbed Sirius's back.

"Sirius?" he said cautiously when Sirius had finally stopped shaking. "If you want, we can be friends."

Sirius broke away from the embrace, seized Remus's shoulders and gently pushed him back a few centimetres so he could look him in the face. "You really are a very strange boy, Remus," said Sirius and slightly shook his head.

"Uh, yes?" Remus was somewhat worried by that reaction but, on the other hand, it was the first time Sirius had ever called him by his first name and that certainly was a good sign, right?

Sirius encouragingly grinned at him and Remus, though hesitantly, grinned back. "I didn't mean to insult you," Sirius explained, "quite the contrary. I think it's just very strange that you're so nice to me although I was, well, anything but nice to you."

Remus contemplated the statement and frowned. "Actually, I think _you_ are the one who is strange. I mean, at first you were…anything but nice to me… And now you suddenly change your mind in the blink of an eye for no reason whatsoever, and you tell me I'm not a nerd although you kept telling me for weeks I _am_ a nerd. Honestly, I don't know what to make of you."

Then Sirius actually laughed. His laugh did not sound mean or gloating now like it did when he cursed another student with the help of his "friends". It surprised Remus that he thought Sirius had a quite nice laugh. It was really strange how fast things could change!

"I guess you're right," Sirius admitted, "and I'm really the strange guy here. It's a wonder you haven't called someone yet because I sound so mentally deranged."

Remus chuckled too and then, suddenly, his stomach started rumbling very loudly.

"Oops." Sirius grinned. "Hungry?"

"Yes, a little bit. I haven't had anything since breakfast."

"Oh my… Wait." Sirius jumped up and brought cauldron cakes, chips, licorice wands and chocolate frogs. "Here you are." He threw everything in front of Remus on the bed and then he also pushed the half empty bottle of butterbeer in Remus's hand. "I'm afraid there isn't more to drink."

"That's alright. Thank you." He greedily took a swig. He had got really cold from the many hours spent on the stone floor but the butterbeer pleasantly warmed his whole body up. He could not remember ever having had such a delicious meal before. Firstly, he was absolutely starving and secondly, it was really comfortable sitting here on the bed together, sharing a bottle of butterbeer and crumbling bits of cauldron cake everywhere. There was something intimate in it. Almost as if they were…_friends._

Sirius had not given a straight answer to Remus's suggestion yet. Of course Remus knew you did not simply form a friendship by saying, 'Let's be friends now'. He had mostly suggested it because he had hoped to comfort Sirius like that. And it had worked. And maybe Sirius would allow them to get closer now, maybe someday even become friends.

"Why do you want to be friends with me anyway?" Sirius asked as if he had read Remus's thoughts.

"Oh… Well, I don't have friends here but I'd really like to have a friend. And I think I like you."

"Why?"

"I don't really know. I've read once that there can be the most banal and simple reasons why people like each other. For example, people whose birth months are rather close, often get along well. Not because of the zodiac or something like that but simply because they perhaps have similar lifestyle habits and likes and dislikes. It's maybe because in the first weeks of your life you're influenced by the climate, nourishment or infections, which all depend on the season. Or smell, that's important too. It happens subconsciously but our nose decides really quickly whether the other smell is good. Often, people whose smell is very different feel attracted to each other. It's probably because if they have children together, their children then will have a strong immune system. There is another theory which says that there can be something like a gene affinity because we're influenced by the recessive genes by our ancestors."

Sirius eyed him with mild amusement. "You read too much."

"What else should I do?"

"Come on, I'm going to show you something." There were still traces of the tears on Sirius's cheeks and his eyes were still reddened but there was an adventurous sparkle in them now.

"I thought I was a prisoner here," Remus challenged him.

"Good you're reminding me of it," Sirius said, grinning. "Give me your hands."

Remus did as he was told and Sirius tied his hands up with the rope again, though only very loosely. Remus groaned in annoyance when Sirius also blindfolded him again.

"What's that for?" he complained.

Sirius just chuckled and he spun Remus around as if they were to play Pin the Tail on the Unicorn. Then Sirius grabbed his arm and pulled him with him. Even though he was pretty dizzy, he felt much more secure now than when he had been brought into his "cell". Sirius treated him much better than the other two boys who had led him. Although Remus did not know where he was and where they were going – and he did not like the thought at all – but he trusted Sirius. At this specific moment and in this specific situation. He had no idea how things would be like when they were in class again with all the other students. Would Sirius close up again and play the cool gang leader? Would he pretend all of this had never happened? And was Remus really free now or was he still a prisoner?

"Erm…Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"You change the guard hourly, don't you? Won't the next one who comes be a bit confused if we're not there anymore?"

"Oh…yes, I suppose they would be confused." Sirius giggled at the thought. "I wonder what they're going to do."

"They will certainly go looking for you."

"Hm. Alright then. I'm going to go back quickly and leave them a note that they shouldn't worry and get back to bed."

"I could go to the loo in the meantime."

"Yes, sure."

"Yes. It's a bit difficult with a blindfold and my hands shackled."

"Right. Very well then…" Sirius freed him and, very relieved, Remus went to the toilets.

He looked at himself in the mirror: there were blotches of dried blood in his face, especially under his nose (he must have got a kick there), and a blackish-violet circle had formed around his left eye. It was not such a big deal. He looked like this once a month, after the transformation. He let ice cold water run over his wrists, which were reddened and grazed by the shackles. The soft tinkling sound of the water made him finally relax completely. He thoroughly washed the blood from his face and took a deep breath. It was over. Maybe not forever but, for the moment, he was safe.


	6. A Night To Remember

**Author's Note:** This chapter continues right where the last chapter left off. No, not what the title of this chapter suggests - no slash yet, I'm afraid ;-) But we're getting closer, and you could read it as implied slash anyway.

Sorry about the long wait. I didn't have access to the internet during the summer holidays but I was hard-working and wrote several more chapters for this story. I guess it's going to be longer than I originally thought - maybe 20 chapters on the whole. I hope to update faster again - the next four or five chapters only need some editing and then they will be up. Thanks to everyone who reviewed (especially to Benny: I was so flattered when I read your review! and to lizzy: Ein Hoch auf Denglisch!) Someone advised me to change the rating to M. I'm not sure, though. The violent parts are over now... Do you think I can keep it as a T rating?

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**Chapter 6**

**A Night To Remember**

"You're still here," Sirius said when he returned and saw Remus waiting in front of the bathroom.

"Well, I didn't know where I was supposed to go," Remus replied.

"I meant to say: You didn't do a runner."

"I thought you were going to show me something?"

Sirius smiled warmly at him. "Of course. Well, come on then. Would you like to be shackled again?"

Remus grimaced. "No thank you."

He followed Sirius, who confidently led the way. Suddenly, they arrived at a dead end. Sirius, however, did not seem to be disturbed by it in the slightest, and he purposefully strode towards the end of the corridor. He halted in front of a wall hanging, reached for his wand and ran it down the tapestry in a straight line. When he was finished, he seized the fabric and pulled it away. It opened like a curtain and revealed a dark, narrow passageway.

"After you," Sirius said and made an inviting gesture.

Bravely, Remus stepped into the dark but after only three steps, he bumped his head into a beam. Cursing under his breath, he halted and carefully felt his way around with his hands.

"A bit of light would be helpful now, don't you think?" he caught Sirius's voice next to him.

"Oh yes, I had almost forgotten," Remus muttered. "_Lumos._" Next moment, a cone of light radiated from his wand tip and illuminated the passageway.

"You really know lots of stuff, but it seems you're lacking a bit in practical experience," commented Sirius, who used his wand for sealing the entrance behind them. However, he did not sound spiteful or mocking but rather faintly amused.

"Is this a secret passageway?" Remus asked enthusiastically.

"Yep. This castle has loads of them. If you want to, I can show you some more another time."

_Another time_ – that meant Sirius did not intend to turn back into the brutal, arrogant gang leader tomorrow. It meant they could maybe become friends in the future.

"That would be great!" Remus said happily.

They walked on in silence. Soon they arrived at a spiral staircase. It was the longest staircase Remus had ever climbed. He was not very fit seeing that he did not do many sports, and they had to pause three times for him to collect his breath. At long last, they arrived at a door which Sirius unlocked with the _Alohomora_ spell.

"Here we are." Sirius opened his arms in an expansive gesture when they stepped outside.

The first impression Remus had of this place was that it was windy and very chilly. As it looked, they were on one of Hogwarts' highest towers, if not the highest one. They stood on a circular platform with a parapet.

"How do you like it?" Sirius asked expectantly.

"It's very high."

"So what? You've got acrophobia, or what?" Sirius said in an almost accusing tone.

"No." Remus stepped closer towards the tower wall in order to look down. "Well, I don't think I have acrophobia," he said honestly. Looking down, he could see the other towers of the castle under him. Only very few windows were still lighted. In the distance he could see the Lake, which lay black and perfectly still – like a huge drop of dark ink. To its left loomed the Forbidden Forest like a dark wall. It was very deep down and Remus got a little queasy feeling in his stomach but he did not think it was a mental problem. "I've never been on such a high place before," he admitted. "It's very impressive."

Sirius pulled a sceptical face. "You've never been so high up before? Why, don't you fly?"

Remus shrugged. "Not much. And almost never this high. I've never been good at flying."

"Oh dear. You have to learn it. I'll show you. You know, James and I used to jump down from here with our broomsticks. Headfirst, of course. And then free fall and just pull up at the last moment. That's some kick, you know."

"Urgh. _You know_, you don't have to show me _that_."

Sirius laughed. "That's not a problem, mate. Peter doesn't like it either. He already gets sick just watching us do it. I'm thinking about buying a motorbike. You know what that is? It's a muggle vehicle. Here." He pulled a non-moving photograph out of his pocket and handed it over to Remus.

Remus had already seen pictures of motorbikes in his Muggle Studies textbook but this one was bigger than all the ones he had seen before. It was completely black except for some silver stripes shaped like lightnings on the mudguards.

"I've been saving money for it but now it's more difficult because I don't live with my family anymore. That means no pocket money. And I have to buy all my clothes and school things with my own money. That was the only advantage of being born as a Black: The Blacks are really rich… Well, maybe I can find a job and earn money during the holidays… And then I can at least say that the bike is fully, completely mine."

Remus handed him the picture back, Sirius folded it neatly and pocketed it again. "Do you know how to drive a muggle motorbike?"

"No, of course not. I plan to bewitch it so it flies by magic."

"Wow. That sounds like really advanced magic."

"Yeah, it is. But I know some people who might be able to help me. Hey, Remus -" Sirius gently pulled Remus's sleeve. "We haven't come here to look down, we've come here to look _up_, at the stars."

Remus, who had been staring down, transfixed by the beauty of the Hogwarts grounds, which looked so old and peaceful, and the soft wafts of mist, which hovered over the lanes, tore his gaze from this sight and looked at Sirius.

"This is the best place for star-gazing," Sirius continued and just lay down on the spot where he was. He crossed his arms under his head and looked up, his eyes wide open, reflecting the stars from above. "It's my favourite place in Hogwarts. I guess you haven't been here before? You don't take Astronomy classes, do you?"

"No, I don't." Of course, Remus could not take Astronomy classes. They took place at night – often at the night of the full moon – and that was very unpractical if you were a werewolf.

"Good decision," Sirius commented. "It's quite boring. Always astounding how teachers can make something as fascinating as the night sky as dull as Ancient Runes. Anyway, this is the Astronomy Tower. Come on." He patted the place next to him.

Hesitantly, Remus sat down on the cold stone floor. He was not like Sirius that he could lie down here just like that. Sirius did it with the same self-confidence he did everything with. To Sirius, it seemed a good idea to lie down on the highest tower of the school as if to take a nap – so he just did it, without any second thought if people would think he was a bit odd. Of course no one would ever think Sirius Black was odd – probably _because_ he did everything as if it was the most natural thing in the world that no one would ever think of questioning him. Remus really wished he could sometimes be a bit like Sirius.

"You see that star?" Sirius lifted one arm and pointed up in the sky. "That's the Dog Star: Sirius. It's named after me."

"Sure. Because you're such an exceptionally bright and shining person," Remus retorted dryly.

Sirius grinned. "It always works with the girls."

"What, they actually believe you that the star is named after you?"

"Nah. They just say the same things you said but they really mean it."

"Ah. So you take all the girls up here to make some romantic star-gazing?"

"Nonsense. If I brought the girls here, the secret passageway wouldn't be _secret_ anymore, would it? You, James, Peter and I are the only ones who know it."

"Oh," was all Remus could think of as a reply to that statement. He felt somewhat honoured to be considered a member of the little circle of Sirius's few trusted friends.

"Well, don't you want to lie down?" Sirius said brusquely. "You're going to get neck stiffness if you twist your neck to look up like that any longer."

"Okay," Remus agreed and self-consciously lay down next to Sirius. It was really uncomfortable: The floor was hard and cold. But Sirius was right: The sight of the stars was worth it. Here, they seemed to be right under the sky and the stars seemed to be so near that, if you extended a hand, you could almost pick one of them from the velvety black.

For a long time, Remus just stared in silence up in the sky. He had not enjoyed looking into the night sky since the age of five. The sight of the moon – no matter how full it was – had always seemed like a predator ambushing him, threatening or mocking him. Tonight, the moon was only a thin crescent. Tonight, it was nothing more but another heavenly body in the firmament.

After some minutes, however, Remus's eyes started to burn from the chilly night air and his tiredness. After all, it was late at night and he had not slept much the last night either, when Sirius had burnt his essay on Boggarts… So much had happened since then. He yawned silently and closed his eyes. He was glad it had happened. Though, of course he could have done without the attack of Sirius's gang and the following imprisonment. But, all in all, things looked hopeful for the future. Sirius wanted to show him more secret passageways and he intended to teach Remus how to fly – that made them practically friends. Remus had never had friends before. The fact that Sirius was his first friend ever made their friendship something special, almost sacred. Remus vowed to himself to guard this friendship with everything he had.

That was his last conscious thought before he drifted off to sleep.

When he woke up again, he found all his muscles and mostly his back aching. A cold breeze tickled his nose and he snuggled deeper into his blanket. Wait – _blanket_?! He could not remember having a blanket when he had fallen asleep. Examining his 'blanket' more closely, he concluded that it was a thick, black cloak. He propped himself up on his elbows and took a look around. Sirius was leaning against the rampart wall. He was smoking and thoughtfully gazed after the little, bluish clouds of smoke that faded into the darkness. He just wore a white T-shirt.

_He left me his cloak…how sweet of him_, Remus thought, feeling both touched and guilty at the same time. He forced himself to stand up, suppressed a shiver when the pleasant warmth of Sirius's cloak left his body, and sleepily staggered over to where Sirius stood.

"Aren't you cold?" Remus asked, extending the cloak towards Sirius.

Sirius slightly shook his head. "The cigarettes keep me warm. No, no, put it on," he said when Remus wanted to hand over the cloak to him. "You look like you're freezing to death."

"Oh. Right." Remus shrugged and embarrassedly put the cloak on. "So, what stuff is in your cigarettes that keeps you warm?"

"Dried Glumbumble fluid."

Remus winced. "That's poison for your lungs."

"I know," Sirius replied indifferently, pursed his lips and blew another puff of smoke into the night. "I think life is just like a cigarette."

"Is it?" Remus asked, confused by that statement.

"Yeah," Sirius mused thoughtfully, "It burns for a short time and is warm but then we all vanish in the darkness, just like smoke. We dissolve into the air and there's nothing left but a dirty stub."

Surprised that Sirius was that…_philosophical_, Remus stared at the orange glowing tip of the cigarette between Sirius's fingers.

"I sound like a melancholy drunk who contemplates the meaning of his sorry life, don't I?"

"Hm… When I was younger, I once had the idea that we were all just like chocolate frogs."

"Really?" Sirius said interestedly. "Why's that?"

"I don't know anymore."

Sirius chuckled. "Well, I'm sure you had a good reason. Maybe because in the end of our life which we have spent in a colourful box in a sweet shop, we are eaten by a giant monster?"

"If we're _lucky_, we are eaten," Remus corrected him. "If we're unlucky, we are just thrown away because the giant monster only cares for the cards."

"Yeah, life's hard as a chocolate frog."

"Why do you smoke?"

Sirius shrugged casually and inhaled another lungful of the bitter-smelling smoke. "Because it annoys my mother."

Remus frowned. "That's not a very good reason."

"Why not?"

"It's not worth ruining your health just for that."

Sirius sighed, dropped the cigarette and grinded it. "You're right." He gave Remus a lopsided grin. "If I had a nice, caring mother, I'd say now, _you sound like my mother_. Well…" He sighed again and sounded somewhat wistful when he continued. "You sound like the mother I would like to have." He gave a short, sad chuckle. "You have no idea how damn jealous I get every time I see a nice little family. I could scream if I see just…just a mother wiping the nose of her kid." He hit his empty hand on the rampart wall. "I could climb the wall if all the students get nice and worried letters and sweets from their parents, and I get a Howler once a month. One Howler a month _at least_!" He hit his fist on the ramparts again and again.

Remus firmly grabbed his hand and stopped him from hitting himself bloody. "Stop this. You're going to hurt yourself."

"So what?"

Still holding Sirius's hand firmly in his hands, Remus met his eyes. "I already told you: It's not worth it," he said softly.

Sirius cast down his eyes and stopped struggling against Remus's grip. "You say it as if it's so easy," he said in a low voice, "as if I could just decide: I don't like my parents, okay, fine, so I'll get myself nicer ones. Trust me, I wish I could just be rational and say: It's not worth it. I wish I could… I know you're right. But I don't _feel_ it. The Boggart turns into my mother when it faces me. Stupid, isn't it? … So, what is your Boggart?"

Remus let go of Sirius's hand, leant against the rampart wall and stared at the Forbidden Forest in the distance. The moon crescent hung above the treetops, which glowed softly in its pale light. Remus shuddered slightly and quickly looked somewhere else.

Had Sirius done all of this to make Remus confide his secret in him? No, it was not a plot, Remus was sure of that much. He felt Sirius's presence, so uncomfortably close to him. His newfound friend was still waiting for an answer. And didn't he have the right to know? After he had practically laid his soul bare to Remus, had opened up and shown his vulnerable side to Remus? Shouldn't friends be honest with each other?

And yet, he could not bring himself to tell Sirius. He knew he would not be able to endure it if Sirius resented him for it. He did not want to lose his only friendship, which was just a few hours young.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," he said softly. "I can't tell you." Uncertainly, he briefly looked at Sirius to see his reaction. He thought he saw a flicker of disappointment in the other boy's face but he could very well have been mistaken – it was only very brief. "Maybe…maybe later. Maybe I can tell you another day." _When I'm sure my secret will be safe with you. When I'm sure you will not leave me for what I am._

"It's okay," Sirius reassured him. "It's okay, really. So, you think you did well in the test we wrote in Defence against the Dark Arts?"

Remus took a deep breath in relief. Grateful that Sirius had changed the topic, he replied quickly, "Yes, I think I did well with most questions. What about you?"

"Ah, not the best test I've ever written. But I got us ten points when I finished the Boggart off. After you'd left, you know? I made my mother wear a muggle bikini and a hat like Dumbledore's."

Remus grinned. "That must have looked lovely."

"Yeah, it really did. See that?" Sirius pointed over to a place behind the Quidditch Stadium. Remus saw a few illuminated windows in the distance. "That's Hogsmeade. It's a wizarding village. We're allowed to go there in a few weekends. But I know several secret passageways which lead to Hogsmeade. One comes out right in the cellar of Honeydukes, the sweet shop. There they have loads of…" Sirius babbled on and on, telling Remus in detail of every shop and pub in Hogsmeade.

Finally, Remus said, "I thought we had come here to look _up_ in the stars and not _down_."

"Where's the point in looking up if there's a cloud in front of the Dog Star?"

Remus looked up and, indeed, a thick cloud was covering the bright Dog Star. "You're the most narcissistic person I've ever met," Remus stated.

"Don't say that." Grinning, Sirius slowly ran a hand through his long, black hair and made a big show of looking haughty. "Don't call me narcissistic before you've seen Gilderoy Lockhart."

"Who's that?"

"A young actor. He played the silky hero in the latest production of the Merlin Stage Company. My last girlfriend kept slobbering over him and how cute he is and how much she liked his _golden hair_ – not the most romantic thing to do if you're about to kiss each other."

"What? The famous Sirius Black is jealous of another man?" Remus teased him.

"Careful," Sirius warned him in a playful tone. "I might change my mind and imprison you again."

Remus just smiled. "We should go back inside. Otherwise, we're both going to get a cold."

"You're so right…again," Sirius said in a slightly mocking tone but then they went really back inside the castle, back into Gryffindor Tower and finally into their dormitory, where both of them fell asleep in no time at all.


	7. A Dream Come True

**Author's Note:** This chapter is dedicated to all of you who said in their reviews that the last chapter was "cute", to fan girl 666 (coolies on you! lol) and to Sakura evil twin of Sango for asking so much for an update. I really love reading all your reviews! Thanks also to the people who put this fic on their favourites list or in a c2. And special thanks to Sentrosi for beta reading!!!

**Warning**: This chapter contains a lot of silliness... Consider it as a set up for the next chapters.

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**Chapter 7**

**A Dream Come True**

The next morning came much too early and much too abrupt, in Remus's opinion. He woke up with a loud yell and sat up bolt upright in bed when he got a cauldron full of ice-cold water thrown right into his face. Sirius stood at the end of his bed with a very smug expression on his face and an empty cauldron in his arms.

"What the –" stuttered Remus, his heart still hammering loudly from the shock.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Sirius said, grinning widely.

"Why…?" _Why did you wake me up with ice-cold water? Why did you have to wake me up at all? And since when do you call me 'sleepyhead'?!_ But Remus's tongue and brain did not coordinate at such an uncivilised hour.

"Time to go to Potions. You don't want to be late for classes, do you? I mean, you already skipped yesterday's afternoon classes…"

With a groan, Remus let himself fall back in his pillows, only to jump up again. Naturally, his cushions had been splashed with water too and were now disgustingly wet and cold.

"What happened? Who screamed? _What happened_?" Peter's frightened voice could be heard from one of the other beds.

"Everything's fine, Peter, nothing to worry," Sirius said offhandedly.

Another sleepy face – it belonged to Chris McKinnon – poked through the curtains of Remus's bed. "What's _he_ doing here?"

"Sleeping. Well, not anymore," Sirius answered Chris's question.

"What?!" Alex tore the curtains around Remus's bed fully open. Remus felt horribly exposed under the four boys' glances. The fact that he wore only his old, much too small pyjamas and probably looked like a frightened, almost drowned, overgrown owl, added to his feeling of self-consciousness.

"Why isn't he in the dungeons anymore?" Alex asked.

"I let him go," Sirius answered indifferently.

"Just like that?!" Chris said, flabbergasted. "I thought you wanted to find out about his Boggart?"

"Yeah, he told me what it is," Sirius said. "So I let him go as I promised." Everyone stared at Sirius; no one, however, was as confused as Remus.

"Oh," Alex said, sounding mildly disappointed. "Then what is his Boggart?"

Remus held his breath. He did not dare to look at anyone.

"I won't tell you," Sirius said simply.

"_What?!_" the three other boys said together. "But you have to tell us," Chris insisted. "We helped you!"

"And I never asked for your help," Sirius said, his voice suddenly sounding quite cold. "We didn't have any deal. It's your problem if you were stupid enough to join me in that stupid quest."

"That's not fair, Sirius!" Alex said, outraged. "We helped you to guard him. You could have never done it without us. We did it for nothing; we have a _right_ to know!"

"Exactly. You did it for _nothing_. Next time, be cleverer and negotiate terms before you rush into stupid actions again."

"I can't believe it," Alex said. "That's betrayal! You can't just let him go! We have a say in this too! Just because _you _got what you wanted! We want to know too! And we _will_ find out! We can continue this without you, Sirius, we'll just take Lupin prisoner again!"

"You will try," Sirius threatened Alex and slowly raised his wand.

Stunned by the fact that Sirius turned against his own friends to defend him – the new student, the _nerd_ – Remus remained stupidly sitting in bed. He had no idea what he was supposed to do in such a situation. He feared he was not any great help in a fight. "Erm…" He cleared his throat. "Erm, shouldn't we go down to breakfast now? Potions starts in half an hour."

Sirius pocketed his wand, gave Remus a little wink and then turned back to Alex. "He's right, as always. You should keep that in mind."

It was unbelievable but since then no one bothered Remus anymore.

Sirius waited for him to get dressed, then they hurried down to the Great Hall. During breakfast, Sirius more or less played the role of Remus's personal solo entertainer. He read parts of the Daily Prophet aloud to Remus, making silly comments to _every_ article, headline, photograph or advertisement. Then he enchanted Remus's pumpkin juice to make it bubble and foam (it tasted unexpectedly good like that) and obviously made a sort of one-man-contest in wolfing down as many portions of porridge as possible while Remus, who still was not fully awake yet, nibbled a piece of toast.

Then they hurried to Potions. Sirius knew a shortcut, which involved a long staircase that turned into a slide if you jumped three times on the uppermost step.

The best lesson Remus had ever had followed.

Sirius and he worked together to brew the Draught of Living Death. Remus was not very good at brewing potions. He knew all about the theory but, once again, he had not had many opportunities to actually _do _it so far. Sirius was not much help either because he spent most of the time teasing Remus with the slug slime which Remus found utterly revolting. When Sirius once more smeared the slime on Remus's neck, Remus, in his distraction, added far too much Elven Wine to the potion and thus caused the whole cauldron to explode. Professor Slughorn took ten points from Gryffindor and told the two of them to stay behind after the end of the lesson to clean up the mess.

Remus thought it was brilliant.

The rest of the day passed in a rush. After his lessons, Remus once again had to do the detention for Filch. But this time, Sirius helped him to clean the suits of armour.

"It was my fault anyway that you got this detention, so it's only fair if I help you now," Sirius said good-naturedly.

No one who passed them made a spiteful comment anymore, though several people gave Sirius curious glances. But, of course, Sirius completely ignored and continued unperturbedly with his work, making conversation to the suits of armour or humming cheerfully as if the dull work was a pleasant pastime.

Three days later, Peter Pettigrew joined them too. Avoiding looking at Remus and shifting from one foot to the other, he awkwardly asked Sirius, "Can I help too?"

"No, you can't. It's totally forbidden," Sirius retorted and threw a cloth to Peter too.

Since then, Peter was Remus's friend too. It was astounding how easy it suddenly was to get along with people. But no matter how many other people Remus got to know: Sirius had been his first friend and therefore would always stay his closest friend. He could make Remus laugh like no one else did. He was positive he had not laughed as much in his whole life as in the last weeks. And Sirius taught him lots of things he needed to know: things that teachers cannot teach you. He showed Remus all the secret passageways, shortcuts and other specialities of the castle. He showed him to which shop and which pub in Hogsmeade you should go and what you should drink or buy there. He taught him crazy stunts on the broomstick. He taught him how to avoid working too much for school and not get caught. He explained to him the special likes and dislikes of every teacher and what you could do to either provoke or placate them. He showed him where in the library the interesting books stood, what the best food was (and how to get it before everyone else); he taught him how to get the best armchairs in the common room, when to set off for class to arrive at the last possible moment, how to get into the Prefects' Bathroom and how to get rid off Peeves or Mrs. Norris.

It was like Remus's dream had come true: He was at this school, in this wonderful castle, he learned how to actually do magic, he had friends to work together or roam the castle at night with. And he was having lots of fun.

To sum it up: He felt as if he was a normal person, an ordinary wizard, an average student. Naturally, he told no one of his lycanthropy. But transforming into the monster once a month, suddenly seemed half as bad as before. Of course it was painful and of course he was tired the following day but there were many things that distracted him. First and foremost was Sirius.

Lately, Remus found himself more and more distracted by the other boy. He did not know why he was suddenly so aware of their closeness when they flew together on one broomstick and Remus had his arms wrapped around Sirius's waist and his head on Sirius's shoulder so that the other boy's long hair tickled his cheek. During Potions, when Sirius smeared disgusting substances on his neck, he did not shudder anymore because it was slimy or the cold liquid trickled down his spine but because of the touch of Sirius's fingers on his skin. Sometimes when they spent the evenings on the Astronomy Tower, he was faintly disappointed that they did nothing more but star-gazing and talking about anything and everything. More and more often, he noticed how handsome-looking Sirius was. It was frustrating. Frustrating because Remus knew he himself was far from being handsome-looking. He was not muscular at all, he often looked unhealthy and worn, scars covered his whole body and he wore silly-looking second-hand clothes or clothes which had become too small for his father, who was getting a butterbeer belly. Remus simply was no match at all for Sirius with his natural charm and roguish-handsome looks. He could not crack jokes like Sirius could, he was not talented in Quidditch, he was not good at duelling… The list could go on and on.

One night, things got out of control. Remus dreamed of him. When he woke up in the middle of the night, he ran out of his dormitory, slumped down in a sofa in the common room and cried and cried and cried because he could not deny the horrible truth any longer. Being a werewolf was bad enough but being a _gay_ werewolf… Could things possibly get any worse?! _Well, I guess I could be muggleborn, be a Parselmouth and contract spattergroit_, Remus thought bitterly. _That would make me the ultimate outcast in the wizarding world._ How he wished he could be normal! How he wished his feelings for Sirius were nothing else but feelings for a best friend! How he wished he could simply bury those feelings!

… But maybe he could? Maybe he could just ignore the feelings…? He had never expected much of a love life for himself. He did not have any self-delusions concerning that. Werewolves did not enter a relationship with normal people. They did not start a family. It was too dangerous. The curse might be passed on to the children. And besides, no one wanted to stigmatise their beloved family. Well, at least the decent werewolves did not want that. Remus had always known he would never find love, never start a family. He had accepted it. He had thought friendships would be enough. Now, there was just this tiny little problem that he _had_ fallen hopelessly in love – against all better judgement. Remus angrily wiped his tears away.

_Oh, well, what's the big deal with falling in love with a boy? It doesn't really matter by whom my love is unrequited, does it? As long as no one finds out… least of all Sirius. _Remus had made a vow to guard their friendship with everything he had – he would neither let his lycanthropy nor his unnatural sexual orientation get between them. It was not worth it. He could love Sirius as long as his love stayed hidden.

One more secret… How he hated it! He hated having to tell lies once a month. Lies about his ill mother, about his aunt's marriage (as if his aunt would ever invite _him_ to her marriage) and about the big attack dog which had lunged itself at him or about his accident with a muggle bike.

Just when Remus had calmed down again and reached his bitter solution, Sirius came into the common room. His eyes reflected the light from the tip of his wand, he wore his fluffy grey pyjama and his hair was tousled from sleep. Remus's heart skipped a beat. To him, Sirius had never looked more beautiful.

Sirius dropped down next to Remus on the sofa and held his wand up so that the light illuminated Remus's face. Remus put a hand in front of his eyes to shield them from the dazzling light… and to hide the traces of his tears.

"Are you alright?" Sirius asked softly.

"Yeah," Remus replied hoarsely. "I'm fine."

Sirius put his wand down and placed it on the little table so that its light did not bother Remus anymore. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Remus hesitated for a moment but then he nodded. Although it had been a pleasant dream, all of this was a nightmare.

"Oh dear." Unexpectedly, Sirius put his arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Remus sighed and leant into the soft and warm fabric of Sirius's pyjama. "No." Of course he could not talk about it to Sirius. Anyway, he did not want to talk now, he just wanted to pretend to –

"What if I invite you to some chocolate pudding? How about that? Would it cheer you up?"

_Merlin, this boy is really kind of hyperactive_, Remus thought when Sirius jumped up and pulled Remus with him towards the kitchen before he had even had the chance to answer. He would have preferred staying simply in Sirius's arms but, of course, eating chocolate pudding in the kitchen was less complicated.

That's what Remus had thought…until they arrived in the kitchen. How could he have known that Sirius could be so bloody attractive when eating chocolate pudding?! Clad in his grey pyjamas, he lay flat on his stomach on one of the long tables, he was propped up on his elbows and slowly and pleasurably ate chocolate pudding from the big bowl in front of him. It was unfair. No one should look so cute in the middle of the night when doing nothing more spectacular than eating chocolate pudding. Trying to avoid gazing at Sirius, Remus shoved spoonfuls of the mousse into his mouth non-stop.

"Man, you're hungry, aren't you?" Sirius commented and gestured with his spoon, thus accidentally sending chocolate pudding flying through the kitchen. "Oops." Sirius giggled and then he had the mischievous look on his face: his eyes slightly squinted and the left corner of his mouth quirked up. Remus did not know whether he should be afraid and alert, or looking forward to a good laugh whenever he saw that look. Curious what Sirius's latest plan was, Remus watched him use his spoon as a catapult to fire chocolate mousse at the house elf who had come to clean up. The little creature shrieked in shock. Inspired by that reaction, Sirius continued bombarding the house elf.

Remus had to laugh too and, for a moment, they were just normal friends again who had fun together. Finally, when the house elf was completely hysterical and close to a mental breakdown, Remus intervened, "Stop that, Sirius. The poor elf, you're going to give her a heart attack."

"Oh, come on, Remus, don't be such a spoilsport. You're just too nice for your own good."

Spontaneously, Remus seized the half empty bowl of chocolate pudding and put it over Sirius's head. He had not had another choice. There was no other way he could have stopped Sirius. He had had to rescue the poor house elf. He had not had another choice at all.

Sirius yelped in surprise and choked on the mousse which came running down all over his face. Almost blind with the sticky mousse in his eyes, he pointed his wand at Remus and said, "_Levicorpus_."

Next moment, Remus was hanging upside-down in the air. From there he witnessed how Sirius coughed and used the sleeve of his pyjama to wipe the mousse from his face. Sirius's face looked really odd from this perspective. Well, it could also be because of the chocolate pudding which stuck in his hair, eyebrows and nose.

"That was _lame_," he told Remus, who was still dangling helplessly in the air. "I was practically defenceless and I still could hex you just like that. I mean, you didn't even _try_ to defend yourself."

"Ah…well… you know I'm not very good in practice yet."

"Absolutely. You should change that. You're going to need it once you're out of school, you know?"

"You could teach me," Remus suggested.

"_What_?!" In his surprise, Sirius lost his control on the hex and Remus fell down to the floor. Fortunately, he reacted quickly enough to cushion his crash with his arms.

"Whoa – sorry!" Sirius cried in shock. "Are you okay?" He knelt down next to Remus and regarded him with a worried, very un-Sirius-like expression.

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," said Remus, who still felt a bit dizzy from hanging upside-down.

Sirius clapped him on the shoulder. "Well, fortunately you've got good reflexes…"

"Yes. So, will you teach me how to fight duels and things?"

"You can't be serious. Me? A teacher? Forget it."

"I could always do your Herbology homework in return," Remus offered.

"You already wrote the essay for me last week," Sirius argued.

"Exactly. You owe me."

Sirius hesitated. "You shouldn't have dumped the chocolate pudding all over me," he pointed out.

"Really, Sirius, certainly _you_ don't mean to lecture me on proper behaviour?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Alright, fine, you win. Your first duelling lesson is tomorrow after dinner. And don't be late. Otherwise I'll have to take points from Gryffindor or give you detention."

"Great! Thank you so much!" Remus said enthusiastically. "That's so nice of you."


	8. Christmas Plans

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the long wait again... Guess what? I had this finished for a long time and simply forgot to add it here...

Thanks again for your encouraging and kind reviews! Keep them coming ;-) Is anyone else already looking forward to Christmas? I can't believe they have already Christmas sweets in the groceries again...

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**Chapter 8**

**Christmas Plans**

Christmas was approaching quickly, and Hogwarts castle looked even more beautiful than usually. Christmas trees decorated with real fairies stood in the Great Hall, bunches of mistletoe and holly hung all around the castle, and the suits of armours had been enchanted to hum carols. Professor Flitwick taught the students of his NEWT class how to conjure up everlasting icicles and, consequently, _every_ window, _every_ suit of armour and _every_ candelabrum in the whole castle was now decorated with icicles. Golden candles floated under the ceiling (Peeves had directed a dozen of them towards one of the windows decorated with big icicles and caused a minor flooding near the Hufflepuff common room). Sirius, Peter and Remus sneaked out of the castle at least once a week to go for a drink of butterbeer in the Three Broomsticks or to buy Christmas presents and Christmas sweets in Hogsmeade.

Could things get any better?

Yes. If all those girls did not hang around under the mistletoes, waiting for Sirius to pass them… It irritated Remus every time Sirius would give the lucky girl a cheeky grin, and place a light kiss on her cheek – or even on her lips. Not that he ever really dated one of them, and Remus had not seen him snog any girl extensively for quite some time – it were just these little mistletoe-kisses – but it was irritating nonetheless.

Remus's idea to practise duelling and spells together with Sirius was not very helpful in overcoming his infatuation with his best friend either. All the time they spent alone together… Fortunately, it never really got embarrassing because Remus had something to talk about – the spells and curses – and something to do with his hands – swishing his wand. Sirius might not be a very good teacher but his "lessons" were all the more enjoyable. Most of the time, Sirius just said, 'Do it like this', then he would perform the spell and then he expected Remus to do it too. Naturally, it never was as easy as that.

And then there would be the moments which were at the same time awkward and blissful and terrible, when Sirius would stand behind him, place his hand around Remus's to direct the wand movements and utter the incantations so that Remus could feel Sirius's breath on the side of his neck. Often, Remus was too jittery then to perform any spell. Sometimes, however, it oddly helped him to relax. He stopped thinking and trying so hard and instead just let his instincts guide him. In these rare occasions, he felt like he understood much more about magic than usually. Then it made sense that Sirius simply said, 'Do it like this', because that was really all there was too it. It had nothing to do with all the detailed pictures of wand movements in the textbooks you had to study. It was just this natural flow which was somewhere inside of you and which you had to find to let it carry you.

"Very good," Sirius muttered when Remus had once again one of his _shining_ moments. Remus could only see him briefly because next moment the outlines of Sirius's body blurred with the wall again under the Disillusionment Charm Remus was casting. It was the most complex charm he had mastered so far but right now it seemed as easy as a standard Levitation Charm. He felt it all so clearly now: his thoughts being pulled into the wand so it made his fingertips prickle, the charm reaching out to Sirius, covering his body and connecting with the wall, sending waves of energy back and forth… It really was a shame, why didn't things always work like this? Magic could be so easy… At that thought, Remus lost the control over the Disillusionment Charm and Sirius came flickering back in front of his eyes.

"Good one," Sirius complimented him sincerely.

"Thanks," Remus said and wiped sweat from his brow. He had not even realised how much exhaustion the charm had cost him. _Sure, magic's 'easy'_. "For a moment, it really worked, didn't it?"

"Yep. Getting finally there, hm?"

"Well, after yesterday's disaster things could only get better, couldn't they?" Remus replied. Yesterday, he had put so much effort into a colour changing charm that all his and Sirius's textbooks had been unreadable because they had stayed blue for hours, no matter which counter curses they tried.

"Have you finished my Herbology essay yet?" Sirius asked.

"Yes, it's ready in your schoolbag." It was still part of the deal that Remus did the Herbology homework for Sirius because Sirius was not interested in Herbology whatsoever if it did not involve fighting a Devil's Snare or a Fanged Geranium.

"Wonderful. So, it's the last weekend before the holidays. Let's go find Peter and then go to the Three Broomsticks for a drink, okay?"

"Sounds fine to me."

-------

"So, what are you guys going to do for Christmas?" Sirius asked after the third round of butterbeer.

"Same as always," Peter said. "The whole family, all the great-aunts and cousins several times removed will be there for Christmas Day… Who wants the last licorice wand?" He offered the almost empty box to Remus and Sirius. Both boys immediately made a grab for the delicious sweet. Unluckily for Remus, Sirius won. Grinning, Sirius shoved the licorice wand into his mouth and sucked on it.

Sighing, Remus turned to Peter. "Are you looking forward to it?"

"Yes, of course. Sure, it's always stressful with the whole family and all the bickering and arguments... but Aunt Meggie is coming too and she makes the best Christmas Pudding in the world, so it's worth the trouble. And I'll probably get a new owl... I hope. What about you, Remus? Going home for the holidays too?"

"Yes. But I won't have a celebration as big as yours. It's just my parents and me, as always."

"You're looking forward to it?"

"Naturally. But I have no idea what I will get." Remus and Peter turned to Sirius.

"Well, I'm going to stay in Hogwarts, obviously," Sirius said nonchalantly.

Remus and Peter exchanged a silent glance. They both knew better than to ask Sirius any further questions.

Sirius leant back in his chair, gesturing with his licorice wand. "It's gonna be _great_. I have the whole dormitory for myself. And, even better, I'm going to have Christmas dinner together with all the teachers. I'll have to think of a good Christmas Prank. Ah, maybe I could conjure up a mistletoe over Dumbledore's and McGonagall's heads and then they're forced to kiss." Sirius chuckled at his own idea. "Just imagine, that's gonna be so _brilliant_. And I could -"

"Sirius, I don't think you should do that," Remus stopped him. "Somehow I don't think they will react well to it."

"Okay, Remus, who would you like to kiss?" Sirius said playfully, slowly sucking on his licorice wand and measuring Remus from head to toe as if thus he could find the answer to his question. "I could conjure up a mistletoe over you too when she's standing next to you."

Remus felt his cheeks burning and he was positive he was looking like a Chinese Fireball right now. "Don't you even try," he muttered, avoiding Sirius's eye.

"Ah, I think I've hit a nerve," Sirius teased him. "So, our dear Remus has a crush on someone. I hadn't realised yet. So tell me, who is the lucky girl?"

"Don't be stupid," Remus said in annoyance. "There is no girl." That was true. "And I don't have a _crush_ on anyone either." That was true too - from a certain point of view. He was convinced that the feelings he had for Sirius were much, much more than a 'crush'.

"Oh, come on, there are many pretty girls in Hogwarts," Sirius insisted. "Someone of them must have caught your eye. Spill the secret."

"Will you please drop it," Remus said angrily. "I told you: I don't have a crush on anyone. And even _if_ that was the case, then I certainly would _not_ want that person to be _forced_ to kiss me just because of _mistletoe_. Love is about loving someone and being loved in return, and that can _never_ happen by force. And there's nothing like someone _catching my eye _because love is not about looks, it's about -"

"Oh Merlin, Remus, stop please." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I wasn't being serious. Of course I wouldn't do that to you."

"But you would do it to other people," Remus said, still angry. "Where's the difference?"

"Okay, okay, it was a bad idea, I won't pull that prank." Sighing deeply, Sirius shook his head in mock exasperation. "I swear it, you're having a bad influence on me. I haven't pranked Snivellus for a whole week now just because you kept telling me my ideas were so cruel."

"You should be glad. It means I save you from many hours of detention. The free time you gain from it, you can spend on working for classes."

"Thanks a lot for the lecture, Professor Lupin. And thank you also for that very enlightening and passionate speech on the nature of love." Sirius flashed him a wide smile and Remus felt the heat rising in his cheeks again.

"You can be really irritating sometimes," he muttered and took a long swig of his butterbeer. The problem with Sirius was that you could never be sure if he was telling a joke or if he really meant the things he said. Sometimes Remus suspected that Sirius thought life was just another big prank.

"Hey, relax." Sirius nudged him slightly in the side. "It's Christmas time. You need to loosen up a bit and enjoy yourself."

"I _am_ enjoying myself," Remus protested.

"Sure, you look like it. You know, you're thinking so hard I can almost see it written on your forehead." Sirius waved his hand in front of Remus's eyes. "_Sirius is such an idiot, he is such a childish prankster, he's always mocking me and I don't know why I waste my time with him. Sirius is just such a big idiot._"

Both Remus and Peter had to laugh. "Are you a Legilimens or why can you read me so well?" Remus said jokingly.

"Erm..." Sirius and Peter exchanged a look. "Do you know what a Legilimens is?" Peter asked Sirius.

"No. But I guess it's someone who can read minds." Sirius looked questioningly at Remus.

"It's not a very exact definition but it's about that, yes."

Sirius looked very smug with himself. Then he broke the licorice wand and offered Remus the one end. "Would you like a half of it?"

"Mm, thanks," Remus said delightedly.

"You know, I can be nice sometimes."

"Sometimes," Remus said dryly and started sucking on his half of the licorice wand. After a few moments, he noticed that Sirius was thoughtfully watching him from the side. Suddenly, Remus had a very bad conscience. Sirius did not have a family to celebrate Christmas with and now his friends told him that he was an idiot...

"I would never think something like that of you," Remus muttered apologetically.

"What, that I'm sometimes nice?" Sirius said jokingly. "So you think I'm always an idiot?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean. I would never consider the time I spend with you as wasted time."

Sirius grinned somewhat shyly and cleared his throat a tad uncomfortably. "You've had too much butterbeer, I think. You're getting all sentimental."

"No one could get drunk by butterbeer," Peter objected.

"Remus could," Sirius insisted.

"Really, just because I haven't been to a school for most of my life doesn't mean I've never had butterbeer before," Remus said. "My father hardly drinks anything else but butterbeer, so I've practically grown up with it."

"Okay, so you need harder stuff?" Sirius waved the waitress to come to their table and ordered three Firewhiskeys. "Have you had Firewhiskey before?"

"No. Does it taste good?"

"It's brilliant."

Carefully, Remus sipped his golden liquid - and immediately choked and coughed. Peter helpfully clapped him on the back. Sirius just laughed loudly.

"You call that brilliant tasting?" Remus complained incredulously. "It's completely bitter. It's disgusting. And it feels like it burns my throat and my whole gullet."

"But that's the whole point of it," Sirius explained, still chuckling. "Come on, try once more. You'll see, it tastes wonderful once you've learned how to drink it."

Remus snorted. "I think I can do very well without it. And don't you even try to get me drunk. I don't see the point in getting drunk. Besides, I don't like drunken people. They're pathetic, really."

"Don't worry, we don't plan on getting you drunk," Peter assured him.

"We would never do that," Sirius added. "So, if you don't like your Firewhiskey, can I have it?"

"Sure." Remus pushed the glass over to Sirius and ordered another butterbeer for himself instead.

They stayed in the Three Broomsticks for another hour but then Remus decided it was time to leave because Sirius was getting a bit tipsy, and as he had just stated: he did not like drunken people.

The whole way back, Sirius was singing Christmas carols, which was a bit annoying because his voice reverberated from the tunnel walls. Nevertheless, when Remus finally decided to join him in his songs, it was a lot of fun. Peter interjected several times that the whole tunnel would collapse under the noise they were making but fortunately nothing of the sort happened.

When they were safely back in their dormitory, Remus found an owl waiting for him on his bed. It was carrying a letter from his parents. Smiling, Remus opened the envelope. As much as he liked a festive Hogwarts, he was really looking forward to going home to see his parents again. Christmas was a family holiday and it would be nice to spend time with the two people who knew what he was and accepted him for it. The one place where he did not have to pretend but could just be himself. He closed the curtains around his bed and read the letter in the little light of his wand.

_Dear Remus,_

_We are so glad that you are happy at Hogwarts. Your last letter sounded really cheerful. Yes, Hogwarts possibly is the nicest place to spend Christmas time, isn't it? Do they still use real fairies to decorate the trees? _

_We received an invitation from your grandparents to come to them on Christmas. Certainly you can understand that we would really like to go. The silence during the last years after all the fights was not easy for us and we would really like to reconcile with them. What better time to do so than on Christmas? Of course you'll know that it's not possible for you to come along with us. We hope that someday they will understand that you are still their grandson and haven't changed. But at the moment that seems impossible. Do you think it would be possible that you stayed at Hogwarts this Christmas holidays? _

_If not or if it will make you feel lonely, just write us and we will tell your grandparents that we will not be able to come. If it is okay with you, we will rent a packet-owl and send your Christmas presents to Hogwarts. I'm sure you can have a great holiday there. Christmas dinner at Hogwarts is much better than what anyone of us could cook anyway. And it often snows there - and if it doesn't, the teachers can conjure up magical snow - so you'll finally have your White Christmas, which almost never happens here in South England, does it? _

_Write us your decision soon so we can answer your grandparents. _

_Love,_

_Mum and Dad. _

Remus stared at the parchment in silence and tried to fight back his tears. He had not seen his grandparents since he had been bitten by a werewolf. They had neither written him nor sent him Christmas presents. From what he had gathered (he could not really be sure if he had understood everything correctly because he had only been very young back then), his parents had got into a fight with his father's parents because they had said rude things about werewolves. Remus knew that his father still suffered from the missing contact to his parents. His father had never directly accused him for that but he certainly _would_ accuse him if he now got in their way by insisting to celebrate Christmas with his parents. He knew he did not have the right to hinder them from reconciling with his grandparents. They already had to go through too much trouble because of him. And, after all, Remus was not a little child anymore – he was almost seventeen years old now and could very well cope with spending Christmas without his parents.

Pressing his lips tightly together, he took out quill and parchment and wrote a letter back.

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_Thank you very much for your letter. I'm so glad to hear that you are in contact with your parents again, Dad. I hope everything will be alright when you celebrate Christmas together. Of course I can stay at Hogwarts for the holidays, that's not a problem. You're right, Hogwarts is a really nice place to celebrate Christmas. And don't worry so much, I will not feel lonely, because a friend of mine stays for the holidays too. I'm really looking forward to the feast and it would be brilliant if it snowed on Christmas! _

_Love,_

_Remus._

_P.S.: Yes, they still use real fairies to decorate the Christmas trees. _

Remus reread the letter and nodded bitterly to himself. Yes, he sounded like a cheerful student and a good and grown up son. He did not want his parents to worry so much for him. But at the same time he almost hoped that they had at least a slightly bad conscience. He knew such thoughts were selfish of him but he could not help it. Sighing softly to himself, he tied the letter to the owl, which had waited for him to reply, and sent it into the cold night.

-------

Sirius was freezing to death. But he did not feel like going back inside. He was sitting on his favourite place, on the Astronomy Tower, and stared gloomily into the dark sky. The stars were covered by thick clouds, which only added to his dark mood. Tomorrow, all the other students would leave Hogwarts to go home to celebrate Christmas with their families. And he would be alone, once again. He was used to celebrating Christmas alone, he had spent the last three years like that. But every year again, he got his pre-Christmas-depression. And now even the stars abandoned him and had the impudence to hide behind clouds. Life was simply unfair to him.

"Hey Sirius. I was looking for you."

Sirius jumped slightly when Remus addressed him so unexpectedly. "Phew, I didn't see you coming. You shocked me, you know? Please be more careful when you try to sneak up on me the next time, okay? I could have fallen down the tower in my shock," he tried to sound his usual cheerful self.

Remus grinned wryly and sat down next to him. "Are you cold?"

"No."

"Yes, you are. You're shivering like a Snitch."

"Why are you asking me if you don't believe my answer anyway?"

Remus edged a bit closer to him so that their shoulders touched and Sirius was very grateful for the warmth. "Because I want to make you think about why you never take a scarf and your winter cloak with you when you go up here," Remus replied.

"Oh, you're trying to teach me a lesson, Professor Lupin," Sirius teased him. "I'll think of it the next time." Smiling, Sirius silently stared into the clouded sky. It often felt like Remus was his over-worried mother - and maybe even his conscience. Sirius had not pranked Snape for more than a week (okay, he had used a few minor jinxes on the other boy but he had not done anything really nasty) and he had not snogged anyone since he and Remus had become friends. Sometimes he had even done his homework properly - but what else could he do when Remus and Peter were engaged in their homework and he did not have any detention to attend? It was almost scary how much Remus influenced him.

"I have no idea what will happen when you're not there during the holidays," Sirius said. "You shouldn't leave me alone here. I'll probably freeze to death up here or I get so drunk that all my brain cells die off... or Filch strings me up by my ankles because I did an evil prank."

"Don't worry, I will not leave you alone," Remus said softly. "I'm staying here for the holidays too."

The words warmed Sirius more than any amount of butterbeer or Firewhiskey could. Remus would stay too! They would celebrate Christmas together! Not even James had done that for him! "That's really, really nice of you," Sirius said sincerely. "But... you don't have to do that. I'm sure you'd rather want to celebrate Christmas with your parents. I can cope with it, you know? It's not the first time that I'm alone on Christmas."

"You've been alone on Christmas the last years?" Remus asked sympathetically.

Sirius just nodded without looking at Remus. He hated being pitied. Then suddenly Remus seized his hand and squeezed it tightly.

"I'm sorry. I should have known... If I had known, I wouldn't have..."

"You can stop now feeling sorry for me," Sirius muttered embarrassedly. "It's okay, really."

"You won't be alone this Christmas," Remus promised him. "We're going to celebrate together."

With a big lump in his throat, Sirius just nodded and weakly squeezed Remus's hand back. _Oh my, what am I doing here? Holding hands with my friend and being close to bursting into tears just because he said some nice things. I'm such a soppy idiot... No, actually, all of this is Remus's fault. If he wouldn't always say such abnormally nice things - no one says things as bluntly as he does... Really, what normal person would tell his friend, 'You won't be alone this Christmas'?! _Well, Sirius simply had to conclude that Remus was, indeed, _not_ a normal person. And that was probably why Sirius loved him so much. After all, who wanted to be friends with normal people? 'Normal' was boring. Sirius had known of Remus's 'un-normal-ness' from the very first time he had set eyes on the new student: a lank boy with a too long cloak, an old-fashioned haircut, an old, brown leather bag and polished, formal shoes, and, of course, his very polite behaviour.

"It's going to be great," Remus told Sirius in an attempt to cheer him up. "There will certainly be a delicious dinner and maybe we'll have snow. I've always dreamed of a White Christmas."

"'Course it's going to snow," Sirius said. "It always snows here in the winter. I'm surprised it hasn't snowed yet. Can't you smell it?"

"Smell what?"

Sirius held his nose up and sniffed the cold winter night's air. "It smells of snow. I can tell you, it's going to snow tomorrow. And then all the people who were foolish enough to leave Hogwarts for Christmas will regret their decision."

Remus chuckled. "It's going to be great," he repeated confidently.

They were still holding hands. Sirius thought it was a bit strange (Why would Remus want to hold his hand?) but he did not mind. He liked being this close to Remus. Remus's company always gave him the feeling that he could relax and just be himself. "I was planning a really good prank before you came up here," Sirius informed him.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Did I disturb your planning? Should I go now?" Remus said dryly.

"Yes, you disturbed my planning. No, you should not go because, since you're staying for Christmas too, you could help me with the prank."

"Alright," Remus agreed, which was a surprise. Sirius had not expected him to ever be interested in playing pranks. "Then tell me about that _ingenious_ prank of yours."

"I thought we could enchant the Christmas trees so that they're running around and chasing people and bombarding them with tinsel."

Remus's lips twitched slightly up. "I think that could be lots of fun," he said thoughtfully. "How do you plan to make the trees move? Maybe use an Elixir of Exuberance? Or long-lasting levitation? Hm, that should be difficult... Or you could pretend that the tree was in its stupefied state and then you use _Rennervate_."

"I hadn't been that far in my planning. But yeah, _Rennervate_ could work... We'll probably have to create this state of stupefaction, so that the tree kind of _believes_ it's stupefied... Wow, Remus, that's a bloody brilliant idea!"

Remus smiled flattered. "I guess there could be the same mechanism behind it like if you use a Silencing Charm."

"O...kay... Now you've lost me. I don't really see the parallels between a Silencing Charm and making Christmas trees move."

"You need to understand how the Silencing Charm was developed. Normally, it was used as a counter-charm after using charms which amplified your voice for example. But then some wizard discovered that you could not only use the Silencing Charm as a counter-charm but also just on your normal voice and make it sound lower. So, you basically postulate that you have used an amplifying charm on your voice before..."

When Remus had arrived at that point, Sirius switched off. In his mind, he already pictured a scenario of a great Christmas tree covering Filch in golden tinsel. He could use a Magnetising Charm on the tinsel to make it fly towards humans. But then what about Mrs. Norris? Maybe he could modify the charm to make it work on all living beings. Yes, he already had an idea how to achieve it, even though he did not know the magical theory behind it.

"...that such charms are basically a manipulation of the conditions, which happens only in the caster's mind," Remus finished his explanations.

"Remus? Do you want to become a teacher?" Sirius asked pointedly.

Remus gave him a surprised glance. "I haven't thought about it yet. Why?"

"Because _if_ you do, you shouldn't make your lessons like that. If you bore your students with all that unimportant theoretical stuff, they're going to..." Sirius made a loud snoring noise.

Remus looked slightly hurt at that and Sirius immediately regretted his rash words. He knew Remus had a vast knowledge in Magical Theory but he lacked practical experience. Sirius was pretty sure that Remus's private tutor had been a very strict and boring teacher.

"But then again... Some students find such things interesting," Sirius said somewhat lamely. Remus just shrugged and subtly removed his hand from Sirius's grip. There was an awkward silence. With a very bad conscience, Sirius realised that he knew hardly anything about Remus. All he knew of the other boy were his own observations. Remus only very seldom talked about himself. Sirius almost never asked him such questions. _Oh dear, I'm such a self-centred person..._

Sirius cleared his throat and, with the intention to be better, he asked, "What was your private tuition like? You learned loads of Magical Theory there, didn't you?"

Remus did not look at him when he answered, "Yes, my teacher insisted that one needed to know the theory first before one could really use the spells competently."

"So how come you decided to go to Hogwarts finally?"

"Well, I need the NEWTs degree. I can't get that by private tuition."

"I see... Was he a nice guy? Would you have liked to continue private tuition instead of coming to Hogwarts?"

"No, of course not!" Remus protested vehemently. "I'm glad I'm finally here at Hogwarts."

For some reason, that answer relieved Sirius tremendously. He would have hated it if Remus had preferred his private tuition to being at Hogwarts...to being here with Sirius.

"The lessons here are much more interesting than anything I've learned before," Remus continued. "And of course you're right: Learning how to actually _use_ the spells is much more important than knowing of the theory which is behind it. I'm really grateful I can finally learn it. I mean, that's what the spells are for, right? They are meant to be used. It's just... all I can do are the most basic spells like the Summoning Charm or _Lumos_ or the Silencing Charm and some healing charms. I've never learned anything else."

"But you're pretty good at those charms and the Silencing Charm is quite complex. Besides, you can do loads of other spells, we practised them, didn't we?" Sirius used his fingers to count the spells. "You can do _Expelliarmus_, _Stunners_, the Vanishing Spell, _Petrificus Totalus_, the Shield Charm, _Encarcious_, Hex-Deflection, _Tarantallegra_…"

"Yes, but just because you taught me and we practised a lot," Remus argued.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's the way you normally learn things, isn't it? Someone teaches you things and then you practise them."

Remus was silent for a moment but then he suddenly burst into laughter. "Yes, yes, of course, you're right..."

Sirius joined in his laughter. "Yeah, but your knowledge in Magical Theory doesn't hurt either if you come up with more brilliant ideas like that _Rennervate_-manipulating-conditions-thingy..."

Remus shrugged modestly. "What do you want to do once you have your NEWTs?"

"I'm not sure yet. I guess I'd like to become an Auror. I mean, I'm really not happy with the way things are now. I think people should do something against Voldemort and Co."

Remus inhaled sharply. "Sirius?" he said warily.

"Yeah?"

"You shouldn't use his name."

"Why's that? Are you afraid?"

"That's not the reason. No one says it."

"Dumbledore does," Sirius stated proudly. Dumbledore was probably the only person whose authority Sirius really respected. It was more than that: He was Sirius's idol.

"Yes, but Professor Dumbledore is the only wizard who is a match for He Who Must Not Be Named," Remus said as if it explained everything.

"Do you want to know a big, big secret? Dumbledore was a school boy once too. I reckon he was not born as an all powerful baby."

"Yes, but he is powerful _now_," Remus said, slightly annoyed, as if he was explaining something very obvious to a stupid child.

"Are you afraid to speak Dumbledore's name?" Sirius asked pointedly.

"Of course not!"

"Well, that explains it all. You speak Dumbledore's name although he is more powerful than you but you don't speak Voldemort's name. It's not about respecting someone's powers or such things, it's simply because you're afraid to do it."

"Fine, I'm obviously afraid to do it, okay," Remus said. He seemed really offended now. "I'm not as brave as you. Is that what you wanted to hear? Right, I can tell you all the time: You're so brave, Sirius Black, you're so extremely brave. Happy now?"

"Speaking a name aloud or being afraid of doing it - that's not about bravery," Sirius said sagely. "It's just stupid to be afraid of a name."

"Oh thank you, thank you," Remus said cynically. "I'm not only a coward, I'm also stupid. Wow, and you're so brave and intelligent."

Sirius cackled. "Hey, what happened to you? Did a Pogrebin cross your way? Come on, it's so easy, just repeat it: Vol-de-mort."

"Stop this, Sirius," Remus said uneasily.

"What's your problem? Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort -" Sirius had to stop to catch his breath. "I can say it the whole night and nothing's gonna happen. Alright, we can do it bit by bit. After me: _Vol_. Come on, say it. It's only one syllable, three letters, nothing more. _Vol_."

"You're crazy," Remus muttered.

"Oh Remus, will you finally say the three letters?" Sirius was really getting impatient. "Afraid of a_ V_ an _o_ and an _l_?"

"Okay: Vee-O-El. Amazing. I said it. Am I brave now?"

Sirius snorted. "Only if you put the three letters together."

Remus sighed. Then he looked around as if he was doing something forbidden. "Very well then... _Vol_," he said in a hushed voice.

"Excellent. Now comes the second part: _de_."

"_De_," Remus repeated, shaking his head and rolling his eyes.

"Very good! And now: _mort_."

"Sirius, this is absolutely ridiculous," Remus exclaimed. "I've had enough of this. We can say meaningless syllables the whole night: _flupp_, _peng_, _ra_, _sva_, _ding_, _dong_ -"

"Oh, the exercise was too easy?" Sirius said ironically. "Well, then let's get to the second lesson if that was below your usual level. The full name now: _Voldemort_."

"Don't be stupid."

"I'm not. _You_ are."

"It's really my decision if I speak or don't speak the name."

"Was it really your decision? Did you really decide not to speak the name? Or were you perhaps never given the decision?"

"I have the decision now because you so graciously gave me the chance to say the name."

"Say it."

"I won't say it."

"Say it."

"I _won't_."

Sighing, Sirius laid back on the cold floor and gestured to the sky in exasperation. "You know, I still remember the lesson in Defence Against the Dark Arts when we had to fight the Boggart. You were the only one brave enough to fight against it when it had the shape of Voldemort. Are you now trying to tell me that you are brave enough to _fight_ against Voldemort but not brave enough to say his _name_?" Sirius grinned smugly. He knew he had Remus now.

There was a moment of silence, then -

"Voldemort."

"Oh." Sirius nodded in satisfaction. "Good. Very good. You did it!"

"And I feel so much braver now," Remus said dryly.

"You are not afraid of a name anymore, that's good," Sirius complimented him. "And you'll see, it will get easier each time you say the name. Do it again."

"Certainly not," Remus said firmly. "I'm really glad you don't plan to become a teacher because I would feel very sorry for the kids. You're horrible."

Sirius took the insult with stride and just laughed. "Alright, I guess I deserved that. Okay, where were we? Ah yes, I don't want to become a teacher but an Auror. But I'm not sure yet if I want to chase dark wizards. I mean, half of the people I would have to arrest would be from my family. Sure, I wouldn't mind arresting them, I just would prefer never to see them again at all. I think I'd like to fight against dark creatures. Vampires, giants, dementors - Hey, Remus, it's snowing!"

"What?" Remus said in confusion.

"I swear it, a snowflake just fell on my left hand." Sirius jumped on his feet and lifted his hands up in order to check if he had not been mistaken. And yes, he felt another soft flake land gently in his palm where it melted immediately. "It's really snowing."

Remus got up now too and hesitantly extended his hands. "It's really snowing!" he echoed Sirius excitedly.

They spent a wonderful night at the Astronomy Tower: Catching the snowflakes in their mouths and letting them melt on their tongues, gazing up in the infinite whirl of the myriads of white snowflakes until it made them feel dizzy, staring down at the Hogwarts grounds, which were slowly being covered under a white blanket, and singing "Let it snow" together.

The next day, they had to drink many of Madam Pomfrey's Pepperup potions because they had both caught a cold. Nevertheless, it was a wonderful beginning of a wonderful holiday, Sirius decided.


	9. Christmas Presents

**Author's Note:** Many, many thanks to everyone who reviewed! Your lovely reviews make writing this so much more fun! Many thanks also to Sentrosi for beta reading!

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**Chapter 9**

**Christmas Presents**

Sirius was the first one to awake on Christmas Morning. Of course he was - Remus was a late riser. Grinning in anticipation, Sirius curiously looked at the four parcels at the end of his bed. He decided to open the one from James at first. Naturally, he immediately knew which present was from James: James had used the same wrapping paper for six years. What was inside the wrapping paper was not such a big surprise either: a book on Quidditch (_The Latest Tactics from Asia and their Pioneers_) and a box of licorice wands with chocolate icing. Sirius put the book to his other five Quidditch books on the shelf (the only one who had ever read them was James), unwrapped a licorice wand and, sucking on it with pleasure, read the letter from James.

_Merry Christmas!_

_I hope you have a good time at Hogwarts! Does Snivellus stay over the holidays too? Because if he does, send him a dungbomb from me, okay? The book I got you is really interesting! All the guys at the academy have already read it. It's something you must have read, you see? In Asia, they have a very interesting and very innovative concept on Quidditch. The players who are not in possession of the Quaffle do those bloody fast zigzagging patterns to confuse their opponent. It's called the Zarati-Lightning. Well, I won't spoil everything for you. Just read the book and tell me what you think about it. Personally, I don't agree with the statement of that motivational trainer who says Quidditch is not about flying skills but only about what happens in your mind. If that was the case, we could just stay on the ground, sit down and try to stare the opponent down. Well, but that's NOT Quidditch! Does Evans stay for the holidays too? Just wondering because I sent her something for Christmas too and I'd like to know what her reaction was like. I will get glasses that I can use while playing Quidditch from my parents for Christmas. I know because I checked in their wardrobe. The glasses look a bit like those things muggles use for diving. I need them because my glasses fell off during a training session and I couldn't see the Snitch then. It was so embarrassing! And I'll get a new set of chess too – it even makes sounds. _

_Cheers, _

_James._

Grinning broadly, Sirius put the letter down and opened the next parcel. It was from Remus and contained a box of licorice wands with chocolate icing too. Naturally, Remus, who was always so observant, would remember that those were Sirius's favourite sweets. There was a card attached to it too.

_Merry Christmas to you, Sirius._

_It's wonderful to have you as my friend. I've never had friends before I came to Hogwarts and I didn't know how great it could be. I really enjoy your company and I hope it will always stay like this._

_Thank you very much for everything,_

_Remus._

Sirius shook his head and blinked back a tear. Trust Remus to write something totally soppy like this. Sirius often thought Remus sounded as if he had taken all the things he said directly from a cheesy novel. Nevertheless, Sirius was really touched by the words because he felt much the same - though he would never express his feelings so eloquently, of course. He would probably simply say, _'Thanks for being a great friend'_.

The next parcel was from his favourite cousin Andromeda. It contained another box of licorice wands with chocolate icing.

_To Sirius, the only sane member of the Black family._

_We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I heard you ran away from home. If you feel lonely during the holidays, you're welcome to stay with us for a few days... that is, if it doesn't bother you if Dora breaks three cups of china every day, runs into closed doors and cries afterwards for hours, or slides down the stair rail and lands on you. She caused quite an uproar when we visited Ted's family last week and she accidentally turned her hair green because she was angry when they addressed her as 'Nymphadora'. His grandparents didn't even know he was a wizard… Well, you can imagine that we had a lot of explaining to do. But they took it with stride, and now Ted feels even better because he can be completely honest with them now. Yes, I guess it can be nice to have a nice family. But don't worry, once you have your own family, it's not so bad anymore that your parents are idiotic. Never forget: The majority of people on this world are normal people - the Blacks are just a fanatical minority. Keep your chin up and enjoy your Christmas!_

_Love,_

_Andromeda._

Happily, Sirius folded the letter and put them to his other presents. It seemed Andromeda was the only person who could really understand his family situation. She had gone through the same hell and had always supported him very much. Her optimistic letter encouraged him greatly. He grabbed the last parcel. It was from Peter: a new quill and one more box of licorice wands with chocolate icing. Sirius had to chuckle quietly. He definitely had enough of the sweets now for the rest of the holidays. Peter had sent him a card which showed a dragon with a little Santa Claus hat.

_Hi Sirius,_

_I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I hope you and Remus have great holidays and play a good Christmas prank. The first relatives arrived yesterday and I'm currently stuck with a four-year-old boy who keeps following me around everywhere I go. Merlin, was I such an annoying brat too when I was younger?! I wish I had stayed at Hogwarts too but there's no way of leaving now - the grown ups have already decided that I'm a wonderful babysitter for Ben (that's the little brat's name) so they can do all their talk about the good-old-times without being disturbed by him. Tomorrow, my grandparents will arrive and I'm really looking forward to it because I always get great presents from them. (Remember the Invisible Ink? I got it from them last year.)_

_See you,_

_Peter._

Being a bit angry at Peter because he complained about celebrating Christmas with his great family but at the same time looking forward to whatever present Peter would get from his grandparents (Sirius was sure it could be useful for pranks), Sirius pinned the card on the wall over his bed. He thought dragons were extremely cool - especially dragons with Santa Claus hats. Then he grabbed the present he had bought for Remus from under his bed and very carefully opened the curtains around Remus's bed. The other boy was still sound asleep. Very quietly, Sirius placed his present to the other parcels at the end of Remus's bed. He left the curtains open so he could see when Remus would wake up, sat down in his own bed again, devoured another one of his licorice wands and reread his Christmas letters.

When he had finished them, he just watched Remus sleep. Remus looked completely relaxed (at least the part Sirius could see of him looked relaxed - Remus tended to almost completely vanish under his blanket). For a moment, Sirius contemplated to tickle Remus awake but he decided against it. It seemed too cruel a thing to do on Christmas. During the holidays or at weekends, Remus slept at least till 10am and did not get out of bed before 11am. Sleeping seemed to be Remus's greatest hobby and while waking him up on normal days was okay, waking him up so early on Christmas would be unnecessarily hard.

Instead, Sirius just kept watching him and thinking of the few months they had known each other now. He still remembered the moment when the feeling of respect towards the other boy had turned into affection and Sirius had wanted to be his friend. It had been the moment when Sirius had freed him after they had taken him 'prisoner'. He had expected Remus to leave. Sirius would have left in such a situation. Well, no, he possibly would not have left but he would have cursed and jinxed his tormentor before that. But Remus... he had just sat down in that huge armchair and awkwardly started a conversation. He had listened to Sirius and really made an effort to get to know him. Not only back then had Sirius thought that he did not deserve it. He knew he was far from being perfect and he often wondered how Remus put up with him. Needless to say that he loved Remus even more for that acceptance.

Sirius smiled to himself and reread Remus's sappy letter once more. And then finally, at long last, Remus stirred and slowly blinked his eyes open. Sirius looked at the clock: 10:45. No sane person could sleep so long on Christmas Morning!

"Merry Christmas," he said cheerfully. "And thank you very much for the present." He indicated the licorice wand in his mouth.

"Merry Christmas to you too," Remus muttered sleepily. "You're welcome," he added as an afterthought but then he fortunately woke up more quickly than normally because he noticed the presents in his bed. "Ah, presents," he said excitedly and immediately started unwrapping them. "I hope that's _The Golden Twelve_," he said while he tore up the wrapping paper of a book-shaped present. "_Yes_!" he said delightedly when the paper finally revealed a book. Remus excitedly opened the book and skimmed the first page.

"What's so special about it?" Sirius asked curiously and climbed over into Remus's bed to have a closer look.

"It's the last book in a series I absolutely love," Remus said happily. "Here." He handed Sirius the book, which looked just like any other book and did not really justify Remus's excitement. "It's the most exciting books I've ever read," Remus explained. "Once you start reading one of them, you can't put it down again. I'm sure you'd like them too. I could borrow you the first book of the series, I have them all here."

"Uh, yeah, maybe another day," Sirius said noncommittally. Remus's second greatest hobby: reading. Sirius had never seen the importance of reading. The only occasion that made him read were the holidays he had spent in Grimmauld Place 12. It was the only thing he could do, it did not get him into trouble and he had learned in hindsight or in advance what he needed to know for the last or the next school year respectively. Even James read more than him because he read all the Quidditch books and that Quidditch magazine he got monthly.

Maybe Sirius was also a bit jealous of Remus because his parents had given him something he loved. When Sirius's parents had given him a book, it was definitely something as boring as _A Genealogy of European Wizards_. He watched Remus unwrapping more presents from his parents: a huge bag filled with all sorts of sweets, water-proof gloves, a glowing in the dark set of Exploding Snap and two more books.

"Wow, I think I've never got so many presents before," Remus said good-naturedly and grabbed the next parcel. "It's probably to make up for that we don't celebrate together this year." Then, however, his cheerful expression turned to a look of utter horror. "Oh _no_," he said in shock.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked concerned and bent over Remus's present to have a closer look. There were three chocolate frogs in Remus's lap - certainly nothing really horrible. Remus was currently reading the Christmas card... maybe there were some bad news? "What is it?" Sirius asked again, very worried for his friend.

"Peter sent me a present," Remus said in a small voice.

"Ah." Completely taken aback by that statement, Sirius tried to make sense of what was happening. "What is so bad about it?" he asked cautiously.

"I didn't send him anything," Remus said miserably. "I didn't expect to get anything from him... I didn't know... And now he sent me something and I didn't think of getting him a present too."

"I see," Sirius said in relief. "Listen, Remus, that's not a reason to be miserable like that." He grabbed the huge bag of sweets Remus had gotten and examined it more closely. "It's easy: You just take a few things you don't like very much from this here and send them to Peter, write a letter that you're sorry you didn't buy him anything. Write him that it was such a wonderful surprise to get a present from him... well, that's a lie but I think it wouldn't help if you wrote that you almost died from shock when you saw the chocolate frogs... And say that you are very happy and next year you're going to send him his Christmas present in time. Don't worry, Peter won't be angry or anything, he's a very understanding guy."

"Okay," Remus said, fortunately reassured. "Okay. I'm going to write the letter right now."

"Hey, you have to unwrap the rest of your presents first," Sirius protested. He wanted to know what Remus thought of the present Sirius had bought him. He had thought about what to get Remus for a very long time. He did not really know why but he was very nervous whether Remus would like it.

"Very well then," Remus surrendered and reached for the big parcel at the end of his bed.

Sirius excitedly bounced up and down on the mattress while Remus tore the paper apart. When Remus saw what was inside, his eyes grew big as saucers.

"Wow," he said in awe and showed Sirius the modern telescope. "Look at this."

"Hm, nice telescope," Sirius commented, chuckling quietly.

"Yeah..." Remus examined it more closely, turned it around and nodded appreciatively. "This seems to be a really good telescope. Here, take a look. You take Astronomy, so you can probably tell me more about it."

"It _is_ a really good telescope," Sirius said without looking at it. "It's the latest model on the market and it got very good reviews from experts. I mean, of course it's not good enough if you're a professional astronomer but it's not exactly a beginner's model either."

"Great," Remus said enthusiastically. "I never expected to get something like this."

Sirius grinned happily. As it looked, his present was a full success. But then something happened which Sirius had certainly _not_ planned. Remus had just read the little note attached to the present and now he stared at Sirius with an expression of utter shock.

"It's from _you_?" he said appalled.

"Er... yes."

"But... but... Oh shit, Sirius, I'm really sorry, I didn't know you bought each other such expensive presents for Christmas; that must have cost at least thirty Galleons."

"Thirty-three Galleons, three Sickles and three Knuts, to be precise."

"I..." Remus helplessly rubbed his forehead and then ran his hand through his hair. "I had no idea... Merlin, I'm really sorry, I should have bought you something better too."

"What's better than licorice wands?" Sirius tried to ease the situation.

"_Licorice wands_?" Remus echoed in a shrill voice. "Sirius, the whole box cost one Galleon! You shouldn't have - I mean, I shouldn't have - I -"

"For heaven's sake, Remus, will you calm down!" Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulders and shook him gently. "There's no reason to get hysterical. Don't hyperventilate, please, don't do this to me on Christmas, okay?" he tried to make a joke. "Come on, breathe in and out, in and -"

"I'm _not_ hyperventilating!" Remus protested vehemently.

"Yeah, but you're completely overreacting."

"I had really no idea how things worked on Christmas," Remus said apologetically. "I didn't know you bought each other such expensive presents -"

"You already mentioned it and it's okay," Sirius said firmly. "I'm not angry at you. I told you, I'm grateful for your present. And normally I don't spend so much money on Christmas presents either but I didn't know what else to get you, so I thought a telescope would be fine for star-gazing, and I knew you didn't take Astronomy classes, so you probably didn't have one yet. Okay, it was expensive but I didn't want to buy you a cheap one because their quality normally decreases after a few months. You know I have too much money - hey, I come from the Black family. That also means, unlike you, I don't have to spend money on buying Christmas presents for my family. I had enough money left."

"Your parents did not give you anything for Christmas, did they?" Remus said in sudden realisation.

"'Course not."

"And... that's all you got?" Remus indicated the presents on Sirius's bed and looked with a guilty expression back to the pile on his own bed.

"Yes, what's wrong with it?" Sirius looked at the four boxes of licorice wands and grinned happily. "It's _perfect_." He meant it.

Remus doubtfully shook his head, obviously searching for more arguments. "You said you were saving money for your motorbike."

"Sure, but I couldn't buy me a motorbike now anyway. I mean, where would I leave it while I'm at Hogwarts? I'll have to wait until I have finished school."

"Still... I feel so stupid," Remus mumbled. "You bought me something so great and I only got you cheap licorice wands."

"Oh dear..." Sirius firmly rubbed Remus's shoulders to calm him down. "But licorice wands are the best things you could have given me. What would I do with a telescope? I already have one. See, James got me a _book_." Sirius gestured towards his shelf. "You know I hate books. James knows it too. And still he gives me a Quidditch book every year. He just does it so he can read the books himself. See, you were really thoughtful when you decided to buy me licorice wands. It's something I have a use for."

"Yes, but..." Remus trailed helplessly off.

"And besides, it's the thought that counts. I think it was very sweet of you to remember that licorice wands with chocolate icing are my favourite sweets. And I've never got such a nice letter as yours before."

Remus's cheeks turned a crimson red. "I...meant what I wrote..."

"Yes, that's why it's so nice. And, you know, we can use the telescope together. You see, I'm just like James. I only bought you something because I want to use it too."

Remus grinned shyly. "Alright. I'm still not happy that you spent so much money but, okay, we're going to use it together."

"Phew... It's good to hear that you're not angry at me anymore," Sirius said dryly.

"Hey, I never said I was angry at you, I just -"

Sirius held up his hands to stop Remus. "Yep, I got it. No need to discuss it any further. Shall we eat breakfast in the common room?" He indicated Remus's bag of sweets. "I'll get us some hot chocolate from the kitchen, okay?"

"Okay. I'm going to write a letter for Peter in the meantime. Can I use your owl?"

"Sure, I'll send him to you."

When Sirius came back with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, Remus was sitting on a sofa in the common room, where a little fire cackled merrily, and was still working hard on the letter for Peter. Richard II, Sirius's owl, sat on the table and pecked in a cauldron cake - certainly impatient because Remus needed so much time to compose the already inch-long letter full of apologies. Sirius placed the mugs on the table, dropped down in a cosy armchair opposite Remus and affectionately stroked Richard's head.

"Wait a moment before you send him away, okay?" he told Remus. "I need to attach a dungbomb."

"Why's that?" Remus asked, nonplussed.

"For Snivellus, not for Peter."

Remus sighed and put his quill down for a moment. "Do you really want to prank him on Christmas?"

"James asked me to do it. Do you really think I can reject my best friend's will on Christmas?" Remus opened his mouth to protest but Sirius cut him off. "Come on, don't complain so much today. Remember, I gave you _such an expensive_ present." He grinned mischievously at Remus.

Remus snorted but he had to grin too. "You can't always use it against me."

"Yeah, but today it's going to work. Ha!" Sirius leant casually back in his armchair. "I can make you do everything I want you to do."

Remus rolled his eyes and seized one mug of hot chocolate. "Why don't you simply use the _Imperius_ Curse on me? That would be easier, wouldn't it?"

"I'll remember that the next time you disagree with me," Sirius said. He summoned the star-shaped owl biscuits, which he had bought for Richard II as a Christmas present, in his hand and started feeding his insatiable owl. Occasionally, Sirius shoved one of the owl biscuits in his mouth too. They tasted a bit strange but not unpleasant. Sirius had found out that he liked them when he had once accidentally mistaken the owl food for a piece of toast. Remus just grimaced in disgust when he saw it and continued with the letter.

Sirius grinned to himself, ruffled Richard II's head, gave him another owl biscuit and watched Remus. He looked kind of cute in his striped, much too short pyjama trousers, his chequered, several sizes too big T-shirt and his fluffy slippers. Remus's lips (which were encircled by a chocolate-moustache) were silently forming the words he was writing and strands of his unkempt stringy hair hung in his eyes. Sirius had the sudden urge to ruffle Remus's hair just like he did Richard II's feathers. He quirked his eyebrows up and gave his owl a meaningful glance. Richard II stared knowingly back at him out of his dark brown eyes. Sirius huffed, gave him a little pat on his head and then went upstairs in the dormitory to look for a present for Snivellus. He enwrapped the dungbomb in the wrapping paper from James and enchanted it to say '_Stinky Christmas from the Marauders_' when it exploded. When he went back down into the common room, Remus still had not finished the letter.

"You know, I hope you said the essential things in the beginning because I doubt that Peter has the stamina to battle his way through the whole letter," Sirius commented.

"Not everyone hates reading as much as you do," Remus retorted. "Besides, I'm nearly finished."

"Great." Sirius opened Remus's bag of sweets and tried some of the chili-cocoa candies. They tasted absolutely delicious but one minute later, he was sweating heavily. Gasping for breath, he waved his hand in front of his face to get some fresh air. "Remus," he gasped, "I think I have a fever, I think I'm going to melt, no: _burn_."

Remus, who had been about to tie a present and the letter to Richard II's leg, eyed him curiously. "What did you eat?"

"That-That chili-cocoa-thingies. Oh Merlin, argh..." Sirius wiped the sweat from his brow. "I'm going to..."

"You need to eat Ice Mice afterwards." Remus rummaged the bag of sweets until he found three Ice Mice for Sirius. "Here, they help you cool down."

Sirius hastily gulped down the Ice Mice and they helped considerably. "I'm cold," he informed Remus a few minutes later.

"You could eat another chili shocker for compensation."

"No, thank you, I'd rather not do that again." Instead, Sirius knelt down in front of the fire and warmed his shivering hands over it.

They stayed in the common room until midday and until both were sick from the many sweets. Then they put on their winter cloaks and forced the reluctant Richard II, who had so far refused to leave the cosy warmth of the common room, to come outside with them. It was a brilliant winter day: the sun shone dazzlingly and the snow glittered in all colours of the rainbow. They took a walk around the lake and tried to hit the Giant Squid with snowballs. When the Squid had had enough of it and decided to stay underwater, Sirius attacked Remus instead.

Soon, they were engaged in a fierce snowball fight and chased each other around the Hogwarts grounds. Then Sirius had another one of his ingenious ideas: He used his wand to roll several of his snowballs over the ground, causing them to grow like little avalanches, which he directed towards Remus (who had used a really effective Shielding Charm which blocked Sirius's snowballs but did not prevent Remus from throwing snowballs out of the shielded field). The Shielding Charm was, however, not strong enough to protect against 'avalanches'. The only thing Remus could do was run. He had to do so for a very long time because Sirius had perfect control over his 'avalanches'. Finally he had Remus encircled and all the giant snowballs came crushing down on him. Remus vanished under the snow with a muffled yelp. Laughing, Sirius jogged forwards and made to dig up a spitting and coughing Remus. When he was finally free again, Remus let himself fall back into the snow, where he rested in exhaustion.

"You know what Peter wrote me in his Christmas card?" he panted.

"No, of course not. Usually, I don't read your post."

"Well, he said, _Whatever you do, don't get into a snowball fight with Sirius, it's suicidal_. I know now what he meant."

Chuckling merrily, Sirius dropped down next to Remus in the snow. He was happy: purely and simply happy. He was happy because Remus looked happy too. Sirius had seldom seen him look so cheerful and uninhibited before. Also, Remus often looked sickly and pale (Sirius suspected it was because of all the time he spent inside reading) but today his cheeks were flushed a healthy red. Sirius was happy because he was not alone this Christmas. He was happy because they had had a brilliant snowball fight, he was happy because Remus had loved his present, he was happy because they were going to have a great Christmas dinner later…

To sum it up, it was simply the most wonderful Christmas Sirius had ever had.

And the prank.

Of course, the prank...

How could he have forgotten this?!

When they had both changed into dry clothes, they set off to enchant the Christmas trees to make them chase people around. It proved to be quite a tricky task but Remus was able to do very precise spellwork and Sirius had the necessary readiness to take risks, and so finally the first tree went on its way to attack an astonished Professor Kettleburn.

It was really hard work to enchant all the Christmas trees in the castle. Not surprisingly, they were a bit late for the feast. They were met by a pretty interesting sight: a dozen of Christmas trees had gathered around the table (on Christmas, the teachers and the few students who stayed for the holiday dined together at one table) but they were held back a few yards.

"Professor Dumbledore must have cast a protecting charm around the table," Remus muttered.

Sirius scratched his ear and nodded in thought. "Alright... You go after me, I'm going to fight us a way through the trees," he informed Remus.

Remus gave him an amused look. "Oh, you want to act the hero? Gilderoy-Lockhart-style? Don't worry, I can do Shielding Charms too. You taught me, remember?"

Sirius hated the fact that he blushed slightly but then he agreed grudgingly. They cast a Shielding Charm together (and naturally it was more effective like this... The truth was, Sirius _had_ wanted to act the hero a bit...) One tree was really vicious (you would have never expected something like that from a Christmas tree) and they got quite a few scratches on their way but finally they got there. Dumbledore subtly moved his fingers to allow the magical barrier to let them through.

"Phew..." Sirius dropped down in a chair next to Professor Sprout. "Whatever happened to those Christmas tree?"

"Well, it looks like someone enchanted them," Professor Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

"Oh dear, who would do something like that?" Remus said innocently, though he could not entirely keep the grin from his face. "Enchanting Christmas trees... I mean, that's outright criminal."

"But whoever did it must have been a genius," Sirius commented and winked at Remus. "I wonder how it works..." Feeling very smug with himself, he helped himself to a big portion of Christmas pudding.

On Christmas, the teachers were not in the mood to give punishment and most of them did not really seem to mind the prank. Indeed, some actually thought it was quite a good idea. Professor Flitwick and Remus were engaged in an animated conversation on how the charm for that enchantment worked. Professors Sprout and Slughorn seemed very interested too. Just Filch and Snivellus were being their usual moody and bad tempered self. And, naturally, McGonagall threw Sirius a few disapproving (but not really bad) glances. But that certainly could not spoil Sirius's high spirits.

Remus, being the hopelessly nice guy he was, even tried to make conversation to Snivellus, which the ungrateful git did not appreciate of course. Feeling suddenly very angry at Snivellus because he treated Remus like that, Sirius shot a Hiccupping-Hex at him. It worked perfectly fine but unfortunately Remus knew the counter curse and helped Snivellus after a few embarrassing (or: amusing, in Sirius's opinion) burps.

_That_ annoyed Sirius even more. Remus was not supposed to side with Snivellus against Sirius! He had to think of something to divert Remus's attention from the Slytherin... His gaze rested on a few fir needles in Remus's hair from their fight with the trees. Sirius leant slightly forward and carefully picked one needle. It definitely had the desired effect on Remus. Remus jerked so much at the touch that he spilled a bit of his pumpkin juice.

"Wha-what are you doing?" His cheeks flushed, Remus stared at Sirius in shock.

"You got, ah, fir needles in your hair," Sirius said lamely.

"Do I?"

"Yeah... I wanted to get them out."

"Oh." Remus laughed nervously. "Well, it's not as complicated as that, is it?" He shook his head and roughly kempt his fingers through his hair until all the needles had gone. Then Remus busied himself with eating and he really put an effort into it. He was just staring down at his plate and shoved the fork almost mechanically non-stop in his mouth.

Deep in thought, Sirius watched him. Could it be...? Sirius recognised that kind of behaviour. He knew that he could make people nervous like this. He knew how people behaved around him if they had a crush on him. But _Remus_? He had never expected _Remus_ to... _Well, I'll just have to test it then_, he thought and made up a plan in his mind. _Shouldn't be too difficult today..._ Smiling to himself, Sirius played a bit with his food. Somehow, he was not really interested in eating anymore.


	10. Mistletoe

**Author's Note:** Well, the title says it all. There's the remote possibility that this chapter might contain slash ;-) Consider that as a warning if slash disturbs you.

Many thanks to my beta reader Sentrosi, to MagicalWinry for sending the hundredth review (already 100 reviews - I can't believe it!), to ireallylikedit for such a lovely review (I'm glad my story can make you grin!), to everyone who asked for an update... well, thanks to all of you readers and reviewers ;-)

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**Chapter 10**

**Mistletoe**

"It's cosy like this, isn't it?" Dumbledore said good-naturedly. "Eating Christmas dinner between all these Christmas trees. Now we just need a bit of..." He gently swished his wand and magical snow started to swirl through the air outside the magical barrier and land softly on the trees.

"_Wow_!" Two first years stared at the snow in awe.

"How did you do that, Professor?" the bold one of the two asked. So, during the rest of the feast, Professor Dumbledore tried to teach the two first years how to conjure up magical snow. Almost all the other teachers felt the need to speak up too and give advice (that was probably in their teacher's nature) and in the end, the students could at least conjure up hail.

Sirius thought that was the sign to leave. He lightly touched Remus's arm (and noted with satisfaction that Remus twitched a bit again) and said, "Shall we go back?"

"Okay..."

They wished everyone a nice evening and once more fought their way through the Christmas trees.

"That was good, wasn't it?" Sirius babbled good-naturedly. "The prank, I mean. Flitwick seemed quite impressed."

"M-hm."

"The good thing about him is that he doesn't get angry as long as the prank involved good spellwork. Then, in his enthusiasm, he completely forgets that he should give us detention."

"That's good!" Remus replied in a slightly too cheerful tone.

"Yes, definitely," Sirius said smoothly. "You know, when we were in second year, James and I played a prank which involved - oh." Sirius stopped, grabbed Remus's wrist and nodded upwards. "Now, look where we got ourselves... under a _mistletoe_." He shrugged in pretence surprise and chuckled. "Oh well, do you mind?" He moved his face closer to Remus's when Remus cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Erm, Sirius?"

"Yep?"

Remus self-consciously took a step backward. "You don't have to do this..."

"Oh, come on, I've already kissed a dozen people under a mistletoe this year," Sirius said confidently. "One kiss more or less doesn't make much of a difference."

"But..." Remus gave him a helpless glance. "Both of us are _boys_."

"I had realised that," Sirius retorted dryly.

Remus chuckled nervously. "But, I mean, we can't just _kiss_."

Sirius flashed him one of his broadest smiles. "Why's that?"

"It's...it's not natural."

Sirius's smile turned into a frown. Had he misinterpreted Remus's behaviour? Or was Remus just in denial about his sexual preferences? He had probably never kissed a boy before. Or he simply did not want Sirius - no. No, that was totally out of question.

"Interesting. So I'm not natural," Sirius said wryly. "Because I _have_ kissed boys before."

The first boy he had ever kissed had been Alex. They were not romantically interested in each other at all - they had just wanted to experiment because Alex had read some stuff which said kissing another man was hotter than kissing a woman. They had tried everything but in the end they had had to admit that it did not make much of a difference. That had been in fourth year.

The second time Sirius had kissed a boy had been at the end of his fifth year. When Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup, all the members of the team had embraced enthusiastically and somehow, in the delirium of all the adrenaline and joy and excitement, Sirius and the other beater of the Gryffindor team had kissed. Both of them stayed in the changing room long after everyone else had left. The other beater was tall and muscular and good-looking and he had shown Sirius pleasures he had never expected to get from another man. Afterwards, they had secretly met more often in the Quidditch showers. It had been the hottest affair Sirius had ever had. Unfortunately, the other beater was already in seventh year and had left Hogwarts a few weeks later and they had not seen each other again.

Then there had been the last holidays when he had run away from home. As he had chosen the possibly cheapest wizarding hotel in Great Britain to stay, there had been dubious folks in there too. Sirius had felt lonely and bored and that was the only reason why he had allowed that old sick pervert to kiss him in the first place. But when the man had roughly shoved Sirius into a wall and rammed his knee between Sirius's legs and when Sirius had smelt his breath of old Firewhiskey, he had used a knee-reversing hex on the man, had fled and booked a room in the second cheapest wizarding hotel in Great Britain.

"I didn't mean to say that you're, ah, not natural" Remus said embarrassedly, his face a bright red. "I've just never..."

"...kissed a boy before," Sirius finished for him.

Remus just nodded without looking at Sirius.

"Want to try?" Sirius offered.

"Well..." Remus took a deep breath and looked briefly up at the mistletoe. "I guess now's the perfect time."

"Exactly," Sirius agreed and gave Remus a little wink. "And if you don't like it, you can always blame it on the mistletoe, so no one can accuse you of voluntarily kissing another boy."

Naturally, in Sirius's opinion, the option that Remus did not like his kiss did not exist at all. He knew he was a good kisser - several people had told him so... or they had been so taken away by his kisses that they had been in no condition to tell him anything coherent.

Gently, Sirius seized Remus's shoulders and pulled him closer. He grinned reassuringly at Remus, who nervously smiled back. "Okay. Ready?"

Remus nodded fiercely. Sirius took a deep breath and placed his lips on Remus's. Then his lips and tongue and hands and body worked automatically. He knew what to do to make people like his kisses, he knew where to touch them to make them moan, he knew how to move his body to leave them hungry for more. He was determined to make Remus _love_ his kiss. He was determined to make this the best kiss of Remus's life so he would never call two boys kissing each other 'unnatural' again.

Sirius could tell Remus was not a very experienced kisser. He could tell from the way Remus clumsily responded to his kiss. He seemed unsure where to place his hands and how to move his tongue... but Sirius did not care. It meant this _perfect_ kiss would leave an even greater impact. And Sirius definitely put a great effort and all the skill he had into this kiss. Finally, Remus relaxed and melted in his embrace. His fingers dug deeply into Sirius's upper arms. His self-consciousness obviously forgotten, he simply let Sirius take control and enjoyed it.

Sirius could tell Remus was enjoying this from the little moans he was making when Sirius sensuously trailed down a hand Remus's back until it came to rest on his buttock. Sirius pressed their bodies closer together, entangled his other hand in Remus's hair and pulled his head back so he had perfect access to Remus's neck. Granting Remus some time to regain his breath, Sirius concentrated on his neck. He trailed kisses down it, sucked on the skin or lightly bit into the soft flesh, his hands all the time travelling over Remus's body, exploring all the places where Remus liked to be touched.

"_Sirius_..." Remus whispered breathlessly, his eyes tightly pressed shut, his mouth wide open.

Smiling to himself, Sirius moved on to Remus's willing mouth again. Not surprisingly, it tasted of pumpkin juice and Christmas pudding. It was perfect. Sirius had not kissed anyone for quite some time (the mistletoe-kisses did not really count) and now he was kissing _Remus_! It definitely was the most wonderful Christmas he had ever had.

At long last, he was out of breath too and reluctantly let go off Remus. He was not able to do anything but smile at Remus, who looked positively ruffled: his hair was tousled and his cheeks flushed and he looked slightly dizzy and simply blissful.

"Well, what did you think?" Sirius said teasingly. "Was it _unnatural_?"

Remus just shook his head.

"See? I told you so. Well, I take it you liked it?"

Remus just nodded.

Grinning widely, Sirius continued. "I guess it was quite good. But you need some more practice," he challenged Remus and leant towards his lips again. "Let's practise some more, huh?" he muttered suggestively and rested one hand under Remus's chin.

Remus's next reaction took him completely by surprise. He had certainly _not_ expected him to jerk his head abruptly away.

"No," Remus said hoarsely. "Let's stop, please."

Feeling his heart drop, Sirius let his outstretched hand fall back to his side. "Why?" he asked simply.

"_Why_?!" Remus bit his lower lip. "Because we should never have done it in the first place."

"Why?" Sirius asked again.

Remus chuckled sadly but then quickly bit his lip again. "Because that was my first kiss, Sirius," he said bitterly.

Sirius opened his eyes wide. An almost seventeen-year-old who had never had a kiss before? Remus must have really had a secluded life before he had come to Hogwarts. Okay, Sirius knew James had not kissed anyone yet either but that was because he had made this crazy vow never to kiss anyone else but Lily Evans. More than once, Sirius had advised him to just drop it and kiss someone - _anyone_ - because otherwise he would die without ever having kissed anybody. But that was another matter altogether. Well, he supposed Peter had not kissed anyone yet either. But that was because Peter was extremely shy. _Oh_. Maybe Remus was simply just shy too.

"Hey, you did really well considering that was your first kiss," Sirius reassured him. "I just said you needed more practice because then we could kiss again."

"But I don't want it to be _practice_," Remus said, staring almost angrily at Sirius. "Your first kiss should not be just _practice_. It should _mean_ something." Staring down at the floor, he continued softly. "I know you've had a lot of meaningless kisses but certainly your first kiss meant something special, didn't it?"

"Well..." Sirius pondered it for a while. "I suppose aside from it being my _first kiss _it didn't mean that much. I mean, I mostly did it because I wanted to be the first boy in my year who had kissed a girl. I did it so I could boast about it. But it was not so special. It didn't last long. The girl, she was a year older than me, quickly lost interest in me because I guess I was a really poor kisser back then." He thoughtfully watched Remus, who still looked rather upset. "You know, I've never understood what all the fuss about the _first kiss_ is all about. I mean, you're still so nervous and inexperienced then that you can't even enjoy it properly. Why can't the second or third or tenth kiss be something special just as well?"

"Well, consider me old-fashioned but I believe every kiss should mean something," Remus said bitterly.

Suddenly, Sirius felt a bit guilty for all the meaningless kisses in his life. A part of him had always reluctantly admired James for his discipline and stubbornness but Sirius never had had that. He had probably lost it the day of his first kiss; when he had decided to kiss someone just for the sake of kissing. Sure, there had been a few kisses which had really meant something but he had always reserved a feeling of contemptuous pity for all those romantic idiots who regarded every kiss as something almost holy. As it looked, now he was faced again with such a 'romantic idiot'.

"Listen, Remus," he tried to reason. It pained Sirius to say the next words but he had to say them because Remus was his friend and he wanted to comfort him. "This was just a mistletoe-kiss. Mistletoe-kisses never mean anything, you just kiss because there's a twig over your head. You don't have to count this as your first kiss. Everyone knows mistletoe-kisses are not real."

"Yeah, I guess I should have known," Remus said coldly.

"But you did know it!" Sirius shouted, angry now. He did not understand - why did Remus have to be so bloody stubborn about it?! "We said it before we kissed, didn't we? We said we just did it so you could see what it was like to kiss a boy! Well, I didn't know it was your first kiss - you should have told me! If you didn't want to kiss me, you should have rejected me! But you didn't! You enjoyed it and you _cannot deny it_! You have no right to blame me now that I spoilt your first kiss! I didn't force you into anything - I may be someone who has meaningless kisses but I would never force anyone to kiss me, least of all you! I don't understand, we said it was good there was a mistletoe so you could say later that it didn't mean anything! You knew what we were doing, so why didn't you stop?! But fine, it's okay with me if the kiss didn't count, it was just a mistletoe-kiss - well, a bit long for a mistletoe-kiss, wasn't it?! - but right, go ahead and boast about it, you can tell everyone that the evil Sirius Black seduced you, you can tell everyone that you have not had your first kiss yet because your first kiss would _mean_ something, right? You know what? That's bloody hypocritical of you! I know I'm a big asshole who has meaningless kisses but at least I don't pretend I'm better! I _know_ you enjoyed it but fine, keep your holy attitude up if that's what you want!"

Remus shook his head in exasperation. "You're right, you don't understand. You just don't understand _anything_," he muttered angrily and turned to leave.

Sirius hated watching him leave like this: his head down, Remus was walking slowly back, an air of defeat around him. Biting back a tear, Sirius shouted, "Wait, Remus! Please, wait!"

Remus stopped dead but he did not turn around. At a total loss for words, Sirius stared up at the mistletoe. _Stupid thing_, he thought furiously. _This is all your fault_. With a shaking hand, he grabbed his wand and set the mistletoe on fire.

At the sound, Remus turned around and stared at Sirius, who was stomping on the mistletoe, which had fallen down, to extinguish the flames. When he was finished, he defiantly looked up at Remus.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked in a weak voice.

"Getting these bloody things down," Sirius snarled and directed his wand at another mistletoe farther down the corridor. A well-placed hex caused it to drop to the floor too. "Whoever invented that stupid tradition had a very bad sense of humour," he continued angrily. "It's like those cruel pranks you keep lecturing me about. You know, things that really hurt people. I'm sorry, Remus." He kept stomping on the mistletoe although the flames had already died down before long. "You're my friend, you're a really good friend, and I didn't want to hurt you."

"Don't apologise, please," Remus said, obviously trying very hard to keep his voice steady. "You said it, it's just a tradition. We weren't under a spell or anything. You didn't force me into anything. I just thought... I mean, we can stay friends and just forget about..." He gestured helplessly with one hand as if trying to grab something out of thin air. "...this _thing_."

Sirius nodded fiercely. "Okay..." He nodded again. "Okay." He tried to smile but suddenly it was so very difficult. He knew he should be glad and relieved and grateful that Remus was not really angry at him and that they could stay friends and just forget about this... _meaningless mistletoe-kiss_... but he was neither glad nor relieved. He looked at Remus, who was still standing rooted to the spot several feet away from Sirius. He wore an unreadable expression. Sirius stared down at the ashen mistletoe remains at his feet again.

"What... what if - hypothetically - it _did_ mean something?" he asked, suddenly extremely uncertain.

"What do you mean?" Remus retorted sharply.

Sirius looked at the mistletoe at his feet, at the ceiling where it had hung moments before, at the decorated suit of armour behind Remus, at the portrait of a young noble damsel who was watching them interestedly - he looked anywhere but at Remus.

"If - hypothetically - it meant something, would you then - hypothetically - kiss me again?"

"Why would you like us to kiss again?" Remus asked doubtfully.

"Because... I enjoyed it?" Grinning sheepishly, Sirius shuffled his feet and threw a very quick glance at Remus, who still stood there rigidly. "It felt kinda nice to kiss you, you know?" Sirius groaned quietly and briefly closed his eyes. That was certainly a wrong thing to say in Remus's opinion, so he quickly added, "I mean, not only nice... I mean... I don't only want to kiss you again because it was a, uh, good kiss. The kiss was..._nice_... because... I think... it meant something to me."

_Bloody hell, what's wrong with me?! Sirius Black, you can certainly do better than this!_ Just why was he such a nervous, stuttering mess?! Normally, he would always find some cocky words to ask someone out for a date. It was unfair: Just now, when he really needed it, words failed him. Every fibre in his body seemed to be on alert, as if every nerve was loaded with buzzing energy. He was so uncomfortably aware of his every movement: his shaking intakes of breath, his seemingly loud gulps, the nervous fluttering of his eyelids, the rustling of his trousers when he slightly moved his feet... Just what was wrong with him?! He behaved like an excited kid who was to kiss his crush for the first time.

"What I want to say is... I hope it meant something to you too because then... you know, we could kiss again and it would really mean something because both of us... you know?"

Quickly, he stuffed his shaking hands in the pockets of his trousers. He was as nervous as... when he had had his first kiss. He was as anxious as... when he had made a stuttered confession of love to his first real girl-friend. It annoyed Sirius that that jittery behaviour was circling back on him now. It was pathetic, really. But there was no going back now. He finally looked at Remus, who still had not moved but stared with a confused and wary expression at Sirius. Sirius forced a (certainly extremely stupid-looking) grin.

"So... Will you kiss me again? Without a mistletoe above us?" His heart was hammering loudly and he was positive it would _explode _if it beat any faster. If Remus did not say something very soon... He almost jumped when Remus cleared his throat. Uncertainly, Sirius looked expectantly at him.

"Maybe," Remus said quietly.

"Maybe?" Sirius repeated anxiously. And suddenly all of it was too much for him. It felt like information overload on his nervous system - or like a short circuit - and before he knew, he was shouting. "Will you finally say something?! Say something! Anything! Don't just stand there and - and do nothing! I just practically confessed to you that I'm in love with you and you just stand there and say nothing! _Please_! Say yes or no, I don't care, just say something - I need to know!"

That outburst was followed by a ringing silence, which was only penetrated by Sirius's heavy breathing as if he had just run very fast.

And finally, at long, long last, Remus said something. It was barely above a whisper. "Er...yes?"

Sirius's heart skipped a beat. "Yes?" he asked hopefully.

"Yes," Remus confirmed, a bit louder this time.

"Really?" Sirius asked again.

"Yes."

Sirius's face broke into a wide smile and mixed feelings were flooding him: relief, nervousness, happiness, excitement... Remus smiled back at him and that sent Sirius completely over the edge. It felt like fairies and billywigs were doing somersaults in his stomach.

"Well..." he mumbled.

"Well..." Remus replied shyly.

"Shall we kiss now?"

"Yeah. That would be...okay, I guess."

Sirius nodded, beaming. There was the problem that they were still several feet apart. None of them dared to make the first move. "You see, for kissing you need to be closer to each other. It doesn't work like this. Unless..." Sirius kissed his hand and blew the kiss to Remus. Chuckling softly, Remus blushed a deep red. _Galloping Gargoyles, I must be utterly drunk to behave as silly as that… If I continue like this, Remus is going to rethink his decision…_

"Right." Sirius decided to take action and marched forward towards Remus. He stopped two feet ahead of him. Still not close enough for kissing. Remus took one more step towards him. Sirius did the next step.

They were close enough now. Every part of Sirius's body was aware of their closeness. It was both uncomfortable and intoxicating. He gazed into Remus's brown eyes. They had never been so close before. _This is amazing_, Sirius thought, almost in a trance. _I can see every lash of his_. The part of his brain that was still working properly told him that he should kiss Remus now but suddenly he did not know anymore what to do. What did Remus expect him to do? What did he want the kiss to be like?

_Well, let's just get it through_, Sirius told himself, closed his eyes and bent forwards when -

"Sirius?"

Remus's voice sounded unnaturally loud so close to him. Sirius's eyes snapped open and, almost afraid of their sudden closeness, he jerked slightly backwards. "Yes?" he asked in a strangely high-pitched voice.

"I just thought that I should tell you..." Remus uncertainly trailed off.

"Yes?"

"Iloveyou," he blurted out.

"Yeah, I know," Sirius whispered. "I love you too." And then Sirius leant forward again and finally their lips met. It was a short kiss: no tongues, no groping, no bodies pressed together. They did not even hold hands. Just the brief touch of their lips. And then it was already over again. They separated so that their faces were at a comfortable distance again. It was certainly the shortest, clumsiest and most unskilful kiss Sirius had ever had. Nevertheless, he was grinning like an idiot.

"Well, that was good," he said happily. He pointed upwards. "And no mistletoes involved."

"Well..." Remus put on a thoughtful expression. "I reckon the kiss was okay but you were better during the first one. You seem a bit out of practice," he said mockingly.

"Whoa - what?!" Sirius would not have been Sirius if he had not responded to such a challenge. No one told Sirius Black that he was anything but a perfect kisser! "Well..." he threw Remus a superior glance. "Then I guess we'll have to practice a bit more, don't you think?" He did not give Remus a chance to reply. His words were muffled by Sirius's now hungry and demanding mouth. He had not thought it possible for anything to be better than their last kiss but this was. His tongue explored every corner of Remus's mouth, in the wonderful knowledge that he loved Remus and Remus loved him back. Sirius could have shouted and sung and danced with joy. He grabbed Remus's slippery hand - and realised that his own hand was just as sweaty. How embarrassing! But he did not really have the chance to feel embarrassed because Remus tightly wrapped an arm around Sirius's waist. Sighing contentedly, Sirius decided that nothing, absolutely nothing could possibly feel better than Remus's warm body pressed closely against him.

They were too preoccupied with their explorations of each other's mouth that they did not notice something large and dark moving down the long corridor towards them. Remus was leaning against the wall, his eyes closed in a blissful expression, while Sirius was all over him, kissing every available part of the other boy. All they heard was each other's breathing, sighing and moaning. That was why they did not hear the scratching and shuffling sounds coming closer and closer for them.

All of a sudden, Sirius felt something scratch his neck. He yelped in surprise and jumped abruptly - causing their foreheads to collide. The pain brought them back to reality. Remus's eyes widened in shock, Sirius spun around and, next moment, he was buried under something big and pricky. Desperately, he flung his arms wildly around him, shouting for Remus and boxing attacking _things_ out of his way. He stumbled over something and landed flat on his stomach. When something fibrous got in his mouth, realisation dawned on him: golden tinsel. Spitting non-stop to get rid off the disgusting strings, he cursed his own prankster-ness. Then something grabbed his ankle and he was pulled from under the tree. A very dishevelled Remus hauled him to his feet. He was pointing at something behind Sirius.

"Quick, there's another one coming."

"Merlin's pants," Sirius cursed when he saw another Christmas tree arriving at full speed. They broke into a run down the corridor, two Christmas trees on their heels. They were surprisingly fast for things so big and awkwardly shaped.

"When have they become so aggressive?" Remus panted. "I mean, they're Christmas trees. They shouldn't be aggressive. It's not in their nature. They should stand there looking festive and solemn."

"Maybe because they had to stand by and watch during the feast," Sirius presumed. "They were certainly annoyed because they couldn't get through the barrier." He threw a quick glance back. The trees were steadily catching up with them.

"Let's split up," Remus suggested when they reached the end of the corridor where you could go right into another corridor or left up the staircase. "Maybe that confuses them."

"Good idea. See you."

Sirius turned right and raced down the next corridor while Remus sprinted up the stairs. Sirius soon realised that he was at a disadvantage: Both trees chose to follow him because going up the stairs was quite laborious to them.

It was on the most wonderful Christmas of his life that he got the beating of his life by two ferocious Christmas trees, got squeezed between the pricky needles and was showered with tinsel.

Fortunately, he finally arrived at a secret passageway which was too narrow for the trees. Using it as an escape route and sneaking through all the other secret shortcuts he knew, he finally arrived in the Gryffindor common room half an hour later.

Remus was already there. He sat cross-legged in a sofa next to the fire and was reading one of the books he had gotten from his parents. Upon seeing Sirius, who felt both heroic and greatly embarrassed, he obviously had to try very hard not to laugh.

"Hey, into how many more trees did you run?" he asked, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "You're carrying half a forest with you."

"It's good to see that you arrived safely here," Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes.

Smiling, Remus patted the place on the sofa next to him. Still a bit embarrassed, Sirius sat down. "You got needles in your hair," Remus remarked. He marked the page in his book, put it aside and then started picking needles, little twigs and tinsel from Sirius's hair and cloak. Closing his eyes, Sirius enjoyed the sensation of Remus's hands in his hair, and he concluded that the prank and all the trouble he had been through had been worth it.


	11. Howler

**Author's Note:** Here comes the new chapter for you! It's quite long but I didn't know where to split it... Well, I hope you like it!

Warning: There's a bit of bad language in this (mostly from Sirius).

Thanks to Sentrosi for beta reading!

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**Howler**

Remus was lying in bed, grinning widely at the ceiling and hugging his blanket. He was too happy to fall asleep. What had happened today was just too great to be true. That applied to every day of the last two weeks. Two weeks... it had already been two weeks? To Remus, it felt still so new and exciting and unbelievable... Sirius Black had kissed him, Sirius Black had told him that he _loved_ him! Too good to be true? Yes, definitely. And if it was a dream, Remus hoped he would never wake up from it.

Unfortunately, tomorrow school would start again and all the other students would return to Hogwarts. To be honest, Remus was a bit afraid of it. Why? Because he did not know how the other students would react to the fact that he was in love with a _boy_. He did not want to be bullied again. It had been bad enough once.

Finally, Remus got out of his bed, tiptoed over to Sirius's bed and quietly opened the curtains a fraction.

"Sirius?" he whispered.

"M-hm?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." Sirius lifted his blanket up so Remus could crawl under it. When Sirius wrapped an arm tightly around Remus's chest, all doubts were immediately forgotten.

"I love you," Remus whispered.

"Love you too," Sirius mumbled sleepily back and placed a light kiss on Remus's shoulder.

"What... does this make us?" Remus asked the question that had been on his mind for quite some time now.

"Ah, I was wondering when you were going to ask that question," Sirius said dryly. "Normally, that's the standard question to ask the first morning after the first kiss...or whatever else happened the night before."

"I see," Remus muttered, silently wondering how many people had already asked Sirius that question.

"Well, what does this make us? You see, it's really your decision. You can call us boy-friends, partners, lovers, soulmates - whatever you like. I don't care as long as it doesn't change anything that's between us now."

"Sounds good," Remus said, smiling widely to himself. _So we're together now, boyfriends, partners - okay, let's not exaggerate it... He is right, it doesn't really matter as long as we can always stay together like this._

"Tomorrow school starts again," Remus said quietly.

"Yeah, I know. It's a shame."

"What do you think will the others say if they find out about...us?"

"Well, we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?"

"Shouldn't we rather keep it a secret?" Remus asked hesitantly.

"Why?"

"Somehow I think people will not react well to the fact that we're gay."

"I'm _bisexual_," Sirius said in a haughty voice.

Remus sighed. Sometimes, it was really difficult to have a serious discussion with Sirius. He tended to joke about _everything_. "That's not the point at all," he said wearily.

"Fine. What is the point?"

"The point is that people like to torment and make fun of people who are...different."

Sirius was silent for a moment. Then he said in a surprisingly serious voice, "So, all this time you've kept telling me about such sappy-romance-novel-things like eternal love for ever and ever till death do us part and so on and so on, and now you want to keep it a secret?"

"But just because we keep it a secret doesn't mean our love isn't real," Remus protested. "Couldn't we at least keep it a secret for some time? Until we know for sure how people are going to react?" he pleaded.

"I can tell you how they're going to react. Peter will look at us as if we're something dangerous that's going to explode any minute. Chris will look at us as if we're doing something disgusting. Alex will look at us with jealousy."

"How do you know?" Remus asked doubtfully.

"We already discussed homosexuality when we were in our fourth year," Sirius explained. "Alex had heard that kissing another man was extremely hot, so we tried - Alex and me. Well, and so I know what Peter's and Chris's reaction was like."

"You and Alex kissed?" Remus asked, trying to conceal his jealousy.

"Oh, someone's jealous?" Sirius teased him.

"Nonsense! Of course I'm _not_ jealous," Remus argued indignantly. He could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Fortunately, it was dark and Sirius could not see that.

"Of course." Sirius turned him around so he could kiss him on the mouth.

What had he just been thinking about? Jealousy? Nonsense. Why would he be jealous? What reason was there to be jealous when Sirius was kissing him _like this_? Sirius's mouth was so warm and wet and he was so gentle and yet so passionate at the same time... Remus had never been kissed like this before. It was the best kiss he had ever had... But then again, he was thinking that during _every_ kiss they shared. He snuggled closer against Sirius, their fingers intertwined, and Remus concluded that it did not really matter if Sirius had already kissed Alex or thousand other people as long as he was kissing him now.

"Wasn't a good kiss," Sirius panted when they had to separate to catch their breath. "Me and Alex, I mean. Just an experiment. We kissed once and never again. He wasn't really good at it. I like kissing you much better."

"I'm not really good at kissing either," Remus muttered self-consciously.

"Ah, we still have plenty of time to practise if this is eternal love and all. And you're learning from the best." Before Remus could make a sharp retort, Sirius silenced him with another open-mouthed kiss. It was definitely the best kiss Remus had ever had... His hand entangled in Sirius's soft hair, he tried to press them still closer together than was physically possible. Sirius moaned breathlessly, his hands were all over Remus and somehow one hand found its way in Remus's sleeping pants, making his hips buck and his breath hitch in his throat.

"Si-Sirius?" he gasped in shock and pleasure.

"I'm sorry, sorry," Sirius muttered quickly. "Don't you like it?"

"I - yes, I do but - it's just..." Remus stuttered incoherently.

"It's okay, it's okay," Sirius reassured him. His hand was already out of Remus's pants again and his hands were cupping Remus's face now instead. "We can wait, it's okay," he said softly, gently tracing Remus's cheeks with his thumbs.

Oddly enough, Remus felt like crying. Maybe because he was so happy. "I love you so much, Sirius," he said sincerely, "I really, really love you and you are the most -"

"Oh please, Remus, stop it," Sirius interrupted him. "No need to go all sappy over me now. It's late, we should sleep now."

"Okay," Remus agreed and placed a light kiss on Sirius's forehead. He knew Sirius did not like sappy or embarrassing scenes at all. He preferred to keep a light and cheerful mood. And that was probably for the better. So many things were much easier if you laughed about them.

"You know, of course we will keep it a secret if you want to," Sirius said when they lay curled up to each other and were already almost asleep.

"Okay," Remus said gratefully. "It's just temporary," he told Sirius - and maybe even more so, he tried to convince himself.

"Will you tell your parents?"

"Yes... someday." Suddenly, Remus had the perfect idea. "Actually, I'm going to see them on Thursday. I'm going to tell them then."

"On Thursday? But you have lessons on Thursday, don't you?"

"Yes. You'll have to cover up for me."

"But why don't you go to see them at the weekend?" Sirius asked, slightly confused.

"Because..." _Because it's the full moon on Thursday._ "Because they're leaving for America on Friday. They'll be away for quite some time and I want to tell them in person."

"I see. What're they doing in America?"

"They're visiting relatives of my mothers. Muggles. They haven't seen each other for quite some time and that's why they're staying for several weeks. They have a lot to catch up."

"Hm. Are you afraid?" Sirius asked quietly.

"Afraid?" Remus repeated nervously. "Of what?"

"Of telling them. Of their reaction."

"Oh. Well, I'm a bit nervous but I have to tell them anyway, right? I mean, they're my parents." When Remus thought of eventually confessing to his parents that he was gay, he felt really sick. He certainly did not plan to do it very soon. "But usually they're very accepting."

"I'm coming with you," Sirius said, convinced.

Remus grimaced. Of course he was touched by Sirius's concern and his offer but right now, he really could not use it. "That's not necessary," he said firmly. "I told you, they're very accepting."

"Yeah, but I'm coming with you nonetheless," Sirius insisted.

"But why?" Remus demanded to know. "What's it got to do with you?"

"Hm, quite a lot, I should think," Sirius said, mildly amused. "Don't worry, I'm coming with you."

"I told you, it's really not..." Remus took a deep breath and thought very hard. "I'd rather do it alone."

"Oh. Why?"

"Because... I'd like to break the news to them gently. Coming with you would be like springing it at them."

"I see." Sirius yawned loudly. "What if they're not happy with it?"

The sickening feeling in Remus's stomach intensified. "They will be happy with it. Maybe it will be a shock for them at first but they will accept it in the end."

"But what if they don't accept it?" Sirius insisted.

"They don't have much of a choice, do they?"

"Yeah, but what if they say, _'We don't want you to kiss a boy'_? Then you'll have to make a choice."

Finally, Remus understood what Sirius was talking about. It made him speechless that Sirius worried about something like that. Considering Sirius's family background, it was kind of understandable. But that he questioned Remus's love for him for just a second...

"Sirius, I would _never_ leave you just because of something anyone says or thinks. I love you and no one can ever -"

"Okay, alright, no elaborate love declaration now, please," Sirius said, back in his joking mood. "I'm too tired for that now."

But when they settled back to sleep, Sirius clung more tightly to him than he normally did.

-------

"Hey guys! Had a good holiday?" a loud voice woke them up the next morning.

Groaning, Remus pulled the blanket over his head. It was much too early to get up.

"I'm already back," the voice continued, "my parents dropped me..." The voice trailed off and there was a prolonged silence.

Slowly, the information of what was happening crept into Remus's sleepy brain. That voice... belonged to Peter. Remus and Sirius were currently lying together in one bed, the curtains half-opened... Remus peeked out from under the blanket - and jerked up in horror when he saw Peter standing in the room, staring at them as if they were something _dangerous_ that was going to _explode_ any minute.

_Oh no, oh no, oh no..._ Helpless, Remus stared back at Peter, who slowly put his trunk down at his side. Next to Remus, Sirius sat up too. Remus did not dare to look at him in fear it might give their secret away. _As if sharing one bed is not obvious enough_, he thought in a touch of self-irony.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Well, hello Peter," he said in an exaggerated cheerful and loud voice.

"Hi," Peter squeaked.

"So, did you get a new owl for Christmas?" Sirius made conversation. Remus, however, had already given up. His face was a too bright red to be unobtrusive.

"Ye-yes," Peter stammered. He seemed really thrown off with that question.

"What does it look like? What's its name?" Sirius continued, and Remus wished for nothing more than finally getting out of bed and going somewhere private.

"It's grey with green eyes and a black beak. Her name's Rosalia."

"Rosalia and Richard - goes well together, doesn't it? Maybe they'll fall in love and then they have cute little owl-babies and we never have to buy a new owl again."

Peter gulped. "Yeah. Er... What are you...?" He did not finish his question. He did not have to.

"I had a nightmare," Sirius said smoothly. "It was really scary and I couldn't sleep again. Remus here," Sirius slung an arm around Remus's shoulder, "was so nice to come here and calm me down and it looks like we both fell asleep then."

Remus groaned. That lie was just too silly! "Please don't tell anyone," Remus said to Peter. "We'd rather don't want people to know it."

Lost for words, Peter simply nodded.

"Thanks," Remus muttered, staring helplessly down at his hands folded over the blanket.

"So... erm... is… _this…_ something, uh, permanent?" Peter asked nervously.

Sirius opened his arms in a wide gesture. "Peter, this is _eternal love_," he declared pompously.

That was too much for Remus. He snorted, let himself fall back on the mattress and laughed loudly. His stomach shook with laughter and he had to wipe away the tears from his eyes. Sirius joined in his laughter and even Peter chuckled nervously.

"You're okay with it?" Sirius asked Peter.

"Oh, well..." Grinning sheepishly, Peter shrugged. "I don't have much of a choice, do I? I guess I'll just have to get used to it."

"Thanks, Peter," Remus said, "that's so wonderful of you. I'm so glad you accept it."

"Uh, you're welcome." Peter gave another lopsided grin. "And thank you for the Christmas present. You didn't have to apologise for sending it so late, I understand you didn't expect to get anything from me. But I really didn't like the Ice Mice, please don't send me any of them next year again."

Remus had to laugh again. He was just so relieved. It was such a releasing feeling, this acceptance from his friend, like a heavy burden had been taken from him. He longed for this feeling of relief again when he would finally tell Sirius - and maybe later Peter too - that he was a werewolf. He whished Sirius would simply laugh and say, _'You're a werewolf? Big deal, why didn't you say so earlier?'_ He whished...

Yet a part of him was still so horrified of another scenario when Sirius would say, _You're a werewolf? That's disgusting, I kissed a werewolf. I'll have to tell the Ministry that a dark creature is currently living in Hogwarts._ The fear was old - it was a fear even older and deeper than speaking the name of Voldemort. He could not simply shake it off. But he knew he would have to do it eventually. If he wanted their relationship to last and become even deeper, he could not keep it a secret forever. _I will tell him. But not today. After the next full moon. _

But he did not find the courage to do so after the next full moon. When Sirius asked him about his wounds, he made up a story of a spiny shrub in which he had fallen. He told him that his parents had been a bit shocked at first when Remus had told them that he was gay (otherwise things would sound too unrealistic) but that they had finally accepted it because they only wanted him to be happy. And as soon as the wounds had healed, he had forgotten about the vow to himself to tell Sirius. He was not ready to do this. Not yet.

Instead he enjoyed every minute spent together with Sirius. Fortunately, no one but Peter had found out about their relationship. It was a riddle to Remus why people did not see it. He was positive someone had to notice the smile that seemed to be etched in his face, his dreamy expression whenever he had a class without Sirius, the quick glances they exchanged, them holding hands under the table, and kissing behind suits of armour or in deserted classrooms.

But naturally, things could not stay like this forever. One day, someone _did_ come in when they were hiding in a seldom used classroom, lips and limbs entangled, too preoccupied to notice the intruder.

"_Sirius Black_." The sharp voice made them turn around and they quickly moved away from each other, trying to look inconspicuous.

In the doorway stood Belinda Malfoy. Judging by her facial expression, she had already seen enough. She looked hurt - and very furious.

"I can't believe it," she said in a barely controlled voice. "You - _gay_?"

"Bisexual, to be precise," Sirius corrected her in a haughty voice. "But let's not be pedantic. I like kissing other boys. Especially Remus."

Incredulously, Belinda shook her head. "That's disgusting," she said accusingly. "You shouldn't be doing this, it's..._disgusting_."

Swiftly, Sirius moved towards her like a predator. "I'm disgusting?" he snarled. "I'm disgusting because I like kissing boys? You know what, Belinda?" He put his index-finger at her chest. "You are the one who's disgusting, you and that whole clan of yours and their inbreeding."

"Just wait until they hear of this," Belinda hissed, and slapped his hand away.

"I'm warning you," Sirius growled menacingly. "If you tell anyone of this, I'm going to hex that pretty little arse of yours into oblivion."

"Sirius," Remus tried to intervene. He really had a bad feeling about this. If Sirius threatened Belinda like this - and if he made his threats true - there was really going to be trouble. "It's okay, don't get -"

"Nothing's okay!" Sirius exploded. "_You_ -" he grabbed Belinda's slim shoulders and shook her roughly, "are _pathetic_! You marry someone just because you are told to do so! You let your parents decide for you! You're just jealous!"

"Sirius, stop it," Remus said firmly and tried to pull him away from Belinda.

Belinda took the opportunity, freed herself from Sirius's grip and ran away.

"Don't you tell anyone!" Sirius roared after her. "Or you won't see the next day!"

"Sirius," Remus sighed exasperatedly. "Just stop it. You're only making things worse."

"Making things worse?!" Sirius screamed angrily. "What do you mean? Is all of this my fault? _They _should be ashamed, they and all their bloody prejudices and intolerance! _They_ should be ashamed! I'm just so sick of hiding and feeling as if I do something criminal by loving someone! It's just so wrong! Why should _we_ hide and be ashamed of our love?! Are we hurting anyone with it?!" Sirius's eyes gleamed wildly, and if Remus had not known him so well, he would probably have been a bit afraid of him. But he knew this was just the way Sirius was: He did not accept things the way they were, he was a fighter, always so passionate... and that was perhaps why Remus loved him so much.

"Hey." He cautiously placed a hand on Sirius's arm. "There is a simple explanation to all of this: Shit happens. Life's unfair and we're currently at the receiving end of it."

"Life's unfair? That's it?" Sirius retorted angrily.

"Of course it is." Remus pulled a reluctant Sirius in his arms. "But screaming and raging won't change it. We have each other, we're in love with each other - we should be grateful for that. There are people to whom life is even more unfair than to us. People who are alone or who have lost someone they love. Don't focus so much on the negative. I've never been happier in my life than now with you - hey, don't cry." Remus pulled Sirius closer and soothingly rubbed his back.

"I'm _not_ crying," Sirius argued defiantly. "I certainly don't cry because of her or anyone else like them."

"Exactly. They're not worth it."

"We'll just ignore them. They're not even worth wasting energy for being mad at them."

"Don't worry about Belinda, she won't dare to tell anyone."

They both knew they were lying to themselves but for the moment it helped. They stayed in the classroom, just holding each other and drawing strength from each other.

-------

Two days passed and nothing happened. But the third morning, a black owl dropped a red letter into Sirius's porridge.

"Wow, a howler," Sirius said offhandedly. "I have almost missed them. Well, better open a howler quickly." He grinned wryly at Remus but his hands were shaking when he opened the envelope. "I've had quite some experience with them -" He did not get farther because a loud, shrill, maniac female voice interrupted him:

_"SIRIUS BLACK! How dare you?! Have you not already brought enough shame to the noble name of Black? Can't you imagine what people were saying when you ran away this summer? Not that I miss you - I certainly don't and as far as I am concerned you are not a Black any longer! You have long ago lost the worthiness of that title! But do you have to embarrass us again and again? You have ruined our friendship with the Malfoys! Have you any idea how much __art of persuasion it has taken me to convince them to marry their daughter to you? But no, you ungrateful brat, you have messed it up! I've long enough endured to hear of your wild antics - kissing non-purebloods and even Mudbloods! I have tolerated things so far - but now you've definitely crossed the line! Kissing not only a half-blood, no, but a BOY! The Malfoys were so revolted when they heard of that! Imagine poor Narcissa - she has just had her respectable marriage to Lucius and now the humiliation that her cousin is a dirty little poof! You are glad Lucius did not resent her for it, and they did not split up immediately! But you are never thinking of us, are you? Never thinking of your poor mother, who raised you and has to go through all this pain and humiliation now! You and your half-blood-fag have made a mockery of me! __SHAME OF MY BLOOD! _

With that, the howler ripped itself to pieces and the smoking paper fell into Sirius's porridge. Under the table, Remus grabbed Sirius's hand and squeezed it very tightly.

Everyone with no exception was staring at Sirius. There was some gleeful laughter from the Slytherin table. Whispers everywhere. Sirius Black was _gay_? Who was the other boy? And occasionally the words "poof" und "sissy".

Abruptly, Sirius jumped up from his stair and faced the other people in the Great Hall with a dark expression. "Fine, yeah, I _am_ gay!" he shouted so loudly that everyone could hear. More murmurs arose and some shouts of "Poof!". "I am in love with a boy - so what's it to you?!" Sirius continued furiously. "I don't meddle in your love affairs either, so just leave me alone, you fucking bastards! And stop staring at me like I'm an exotic animal!"

It did not really help. A few people looked away from Sirius now but instead their gazes turned to Remus - it was not hard guesswork. Sirius spent most time with him and he did not have a girl-friend - it was kind of obvious. And Remus was one of the few people in the Great Hall _not_ staring at Sirius, but looked pointedly to the floor, his face a crimson red. He was afraid. He knew what would come now. He did not want to be bullied. He did not want to be called a "poof". Sirius had not mentioned his name so far. There was no definite proof yet. Clenching his trembling fingers to fists, he tried to look anywhere but at Sirius. But somehow, Sirius seemed to attract his gaze again and again. Sirius's hands were shaking with rage, he glared wildly at everyone who was gawping at him, daring them to say just one more thing. He was so brave standing there in the middle of the Great Hall. And yet, he looked also lost and vulnerable. His lips were trembling and he had the air of a defiant little child who was afraid of punishment but could not talk his way out of things anymore.

Remus could not let him stand there alone - he just could not do it. His heart beating loudly, he quickly stood up too, seized Sirius's hand and muttered, "Let's get out of here."

It was the hardest walk of his life. He held his head down and tried very hard to ignore the whispers and laughter that accompanied them. He tried to tell himself that it did not matter that people were pointing at them or doing obscene hand gestures. He tried to keep his gaze on the floor or on their locked hands. They were clutching each other's hand so tightly that it hurt. Remus increased his pace and they were almost running now, fleeing from the mocking or hostile glances.

As soon as they were out of the Great Hall, Sirius burst into a tirade of swearwords. Remus had not even heard half of them before.

Then they were silent again for a long time. They quickly walked out of the school, out into the cold January morning and towards the grey lake. Remus did not find a single word of comfort. He just kept silent, sat down on the cold bank of the lake and picked wet clumps of grass with his frostbitten fingers. Sirius was throwing stones into the water with a very grim expression, occasionally accompanied by a swear word.

How long did they stay there like this? Remus had no idea. Time passed slowly, heavy like the dense grey mist, which probably would not be penetrated by the sun for the whole short winter day.

Then Professor McGonagall arrived. She seemed unreal, surreal: strict as always, she was scrutinising them from behind her glasses as if this was just an ordinary day.

"Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin, why are you not in class? I'd like to hear an explanation."

Reminding them of class did not fit at all into their depressed mood. It seemed totally beside the point. Life was not supposed to go on as if nothing had happened.

"Didn't you see - or should I say _hear_ - the howler this morning?" Sirius snapped and threw another stone viciously into the water. "Does it really need an explanation?"

"I did hear the howler, Mr. Black." Professor McGonagall eyed him reproachfully. "But it is certainly _not_ a reason to skip my lessons."

"Please, Professor, we're really not in the mood now to go to class," Remus said pleadingly.

"I'm not interested if people are _in the mood_ to go to my lessons or not," Professor McGonagall said critically.

"Please, just this one lesson," Remus said. "We'll catch up on everything later."

"And thus convince everyone that you are not normal? No, Mr. Lupin, you _will_ come to my lesson now, both of you. I don't think homosexuality is a disease and therefore it is _not_ an excuse to miss class. It's detention for both of you. Be in my office this evening at six o'clock. And now _come on_."

Remus and Sirius exchanged a brief glance and shrugged. There was no use arguing with Professor McGonagall. Silently, they trudged along behind their resolute head of house. Professor McGonagall paused in front of the door to the Transfiguration classroom and gave them one more reproachful glance.

"You are Gryffindors - show a bit of courage now! And please stop holding hands. The same rules apply to you as to every other lovestruck couple: No touching under the table, no love letters in my lessons. I will watch you two very closely. Understand?"

They nodded in defeat. Professor McGonagall shooed them into the classroom. Of course people were eyeing them curiously again but Professor McGonagall's lesson was so hard and she snapped at everyone who was not fully paying attention that nobody really had the time to whisper and stare at them.

After lunch, they had to split up. Sirius had Muggle Studies and Remus had Ancient Runes now. Without Sirius at his side, things would be twice as bad. He hurried to the classroom and took a place in the last row. Usually, he used to sit next to Lily in Ancient Runes. Anxiously, he wondered if she would be disgusted by him too. She had been the first person who had been kind to him at Hogwarts and it would hurt to see her withdraw herself from him.

He should not have worried. Lily sat next to him, as always, and behaved completely normally. Remus was immensely grateful and simply behaved as normally as possible too. They concentrated on decrypting old runes on tombs which were meant to protect the dead from grave robbers, and did not mention anything love-related. After class, however, Lily held him back when he was about to leave the classroom.

"Can I have a private word with you?" she muttered.

"Sure," Remus said somewhat uneasily.

They waited until everyone had left the classroom, then Lily closed the door with a subtle flicker of her wand and turned to look gravely at him.

"So you and Sirius are together now," she stated as an introduction.

"Yes, we are," Remus said warily.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yes. Why are you asking? Do you have a problem with gay people?" Remus said quietly but almost accusingly.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, _no_," Lily said exasperatedly. "I don't care if you kiss girls or boys or Mrs. Norris or the Giant Squid. It's really your decision. But I'm not sure if you know what you're getting yourself into."

"What do you mean?"

"You see, Sirius Black is... Let's say he is not someone who is known for being loyal."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"His _relationships_ last about a week in average."

"Well, I already made it more than a month," Remus said, slightly annoyed with her. "Listen, Lily, I know you mean well but I'm afraid you don't understand this. Sirius and I are in love and I would be grateful if you didn't try to speak ill of him in my company. It won't work anyway."

"But that's the point, Remus," Lily said insistently. "Have you any idea how many girls have already told me the same words? I'm sorry, I know this sounds hard but it will be even worse if you get totally absorbed with something which doesn't exist. They, too, said, _'We love each other and he would never leave me'_. Truth is, I had to comfort all those girls and listen to their grieving when Sirius had dumped them in the end."

"That was something different," Remus insisted. "I don't think you really know Sirius. I... I know things about him you don't and I just _know_ that this, that our love, is real."

"And what does love mean? To Sirius, obviously, it is more like a competition and involves kissing as many girls - or boys, for that matter - as possible. He will break your heart - as he broke the hearts of all the girls who were stupid enough to fall in love with him."

"Don't say that, Lily," Remus said, almost angry now. "Because it's simply not true. I know he loves me. I trust him. Because love without trust - that's not love, is it?"

Lily sighed and briefly closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she looked at him with an expression of pity. "I guess I can't convince you otherwise. Have you ever heard the saying '_Love is blind_'?"

Remus started sweating. Lily had touched all his secret fears. Of course he had sometimes wondered if Sirius had just kissed him because no one else had been there on Christmas. He knew very well that Sirius liked snogging very much. Maybe Remus was just someone he needed in his loneliness. But it could have been anyone else - Remus was not irreplaceable. And of course he was more than afraid of Sirius's reaction when he found out about his lycanthropy.

"I trust him," he said stubbornly, staring at his shuffling feet. "Have you ever heard the expression '_blind faith_'?"

"Okay," Lily said quietly. "I just hope you are right and..." She gave him an apologetic glance. "I hope you're not angry at me because I said those things..."

"Yes, yes, I know you only meant well," Remus sighed. Then he smiled sheepishly. "And thanks all the same. You're really one of the few people who are not disgusted because I am gay."

"I think it's just a shame that people make such a fuss about other people being homosexual or whatever. I mean, don't they see where the real problems lie? With You-Know-Who out there _killing_ and _torturing_ people... But no, people are more interested in discriminating people who are different, than in fighting against You-Know-Who and protecting innocents. It's just crazy."

"Yes. I agree."

"Well." Lily stuffed their epitaph-translation into her bag and hung it over her shoulder. "I've still got plenty of homework to do. See you."

"Bye." Remus stayed in the classroom a little longer and thought about what Lily had just told him. Was he blinded by love? Did he delude himself? But how could something that felt so strong be unreal?

He slowly went in the library to do his Transfiguration homework, ducking his head to avoid hexes from two Slytherins, who were insulting him, on his way. For almost two hours, he forgot everything else but the tricky subject of temporary transformations on inner parts of the human body.

When he returned to Gryffindor Tower, he found Sirius alone in their dormitory. He lay on his bed and lazily flicked his wand to change the colour of his curtains non-stop.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"Trying not to get into trouble."

"How exactly are you going to get into trouble when you're lying in your bed?"

"Smart, Remus. That's exactly why I decided to stay here." Sirius sat up, left his curtains a dark blue colour, and gave him a lopsided grin.

Just then, Remus noticed a pile of pink clothes in front of Sirius's bed. Remembering Lily's words, his heart dropped. Was there a girl again whom Sirius pretended to love?

"What's that?" he asked tensely, gesturing towards the pink clothes.

"My clothes," Sirius said moodily.

"Very funny," Remus said sourly. "You haven't got pink clothes, Sirius."

"Well, I have now," Sirius retorted. "Avery and Nott enchanted them."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Remus said sincerely, not really sorry because Sirius's clothes had been changed to pink, but he apologised for his doubts in Sirius's loyalty.

"Yeah, you'd better be. This is all your fault."

Remus frowned. Sirius could not have known about his doubts, right? "I don't think I understand."

"Well, the Slytherin bastards did not only enchant my clothes but they also said... nasty things. I got angry, naturally. I know you would have stopped me but you weren't there and so I beat them up. And now I have a whole week detention with McGonagall. Well? Where have you been all the time?"

"In the library, doing my Transfiguration homework. I'm sorry but there was no alarm going off saying that you needed me."

Sirius huffed and leant forward to pull Remus's sleeve. "Come here."

Remus gladly obeyed and sat next to Sirius on the bed. He wrapped his arms around Sirius's neck and kissed him very slowly, very deliberately. Sighing deeply, Sirius leant against him.

"That was a helluva day," he muttered, burying his head in the curve of Remus's neck.

"M-hm. And it's not over yet. We still have to do the detention Professor McGonagall gave us."

Sirius groaned. "I swear it, that woman doesn't have a heart. She doesn't have feelings, she doesn't know pity... Why couldn't she have once in her life turned a blind eye?"

"I think she knew that if she had treated us differently, people would have talked even more. Maybe she wanted to show us that we are still like everyone else and thus cannot just break the rules."

"I would have preferred her pity and no detention... But okay, okay, she is fair... But she still doesn't have a heart."

Chuckling, Remus separated them. "We have to go now."

"_Now_?!"

"Yes, it's five minutes to six."

"You're joking."

"I'm afraid not so." He offered Sirius a hand to stand up.

Grimacing, Sirius took the offered hand and reluctantly got on his feet. "Well, let's go through the lion's den, then."

"We can separate," Remus offered. "You go first and I follow you a minute later."

"No way," Sirius protested. "It would mean letting them win."

So they went together through the Gryffindor common room and it was not really like the lion's den. No one said anything rude to them, some threw them curious glances but only very few of the glances displayed disgust.

"That went well enough, didn't it?" Sirius said in a slightly shaking voice, which betrayed his earlier bravado, when they were out of the common room and alone in the corridor.

"Yes. It looks like the Gryffindors at least have got used to it."

"I guess we shouldn't have kept it a secret in the first place," Sirius mused. "It was probably a really abrupt coming out this morning. Quite a shock to everyone. If we'd just behaved as if it was something natural in the first place, most people probably wouldn't have questioned us at all."

"M-hm," Remus said distractedly, wondering if that applied to his werewolf-problem too. "Lily was okay with it too."

"See? Everyone who is somehow important to us accepts it," Sirius said triumphantly. "Peter, Lily, McGonagall, your parents..."

"Why's McGonagall important?" Remus asked, mildly amused.

"Well, she's our head of house! She could take points from Gryffindor because we are gay."

"Of course. What about James?"

"I'm going to tell him. In my next letter."

They got the worst detention Hogwarts could offer: Cleaning the Owlery. Naturally without wands, as it was customary for detention. And so they spent hours kneeling in owl droppings, feathers and pellets, scrubbing dirt from the floor in the flickering lights of oil lamps, which Professor McGonagall had hung up for them to see something. The wind was howling around the Tower, there was a terrible draught, and the owls kept shocking them when they suddenly landed on their heads or hooted directly into their ears.

"If we survive this, we will survive anything," Sirius said, shying an owl away which had just left a dropping on his cloak.

Remus chuckled shortly but then he became serious again. It was time to approach the matter directly. "I was wondering... You've been out with so many girls and it never lasted long...well, what I've seen didn't last very long, anyway." He awkwardly scratched his nose, and immediately regretted it because his fingers were so dirty. "So, what I wanted to ask is: Is our relationship any different to you? Or do you plan to just dump me some day, move on to another and never really speak to me again?"

"Nah, I would never just leave you like that," Sirius said confidently.

"But how can I be sure?" Remus asked doubtfully.

"We're _friends_," Sirius said as if it explained everything.

"I thought we were more than just friends," Remus muttered, staring at the dirty cloth in his hand.

"Okay, call us boy-friends if you want to." Sirius slowly put his dustpan aside and eyed Remus sceptically. "You make it sound as if friendship is not worth anything."

"But isn't love supposed to be more than friendship?"

"I'd say that really depends on your definition of 'love' and 'friendship'."

"Ah. Then what is your definition?"

"Well..." Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and leant back against the wall. "Friendship means to me always sticking together, being there for each other when the other needs help, having fun together, and accepting each other even if you have faults and all."

"Okay. And what is your definition of 'love'?"

"Hm..." Sirius tipped his chin thoughtfully. "To be honest, I've never really thought of it before. I guess it's friendship plus the physical part. Kissing and things, you know?"

Remus groaned and laughed at the same time. Shaking his head in exasperation, he said, "That's certainly the most unromantic definition of 'love' I've ever heard. _'Friendship plus the physical part'. _How crazy."

"Yeah, well, it was the best I could make up in such a short time. But now I'm really interested in _your_ definition of 'love'."

"To me, love means that you are absolutely sure of something. You just _know_ it's love and you never want to lose it again because you can't live without each other. Love means that you can be yourself in each other's company and that you love each other for that. It means you always support each other and you are there for each other, no matter what it means. You would do _everything_ for the person you love. And if you are angry or sad, a smile from the person you love can make it go away at once because just their company is enough to make you happy."

When Remus had finished, Sirius was smiling widely. "You're really sweet sometimes," he said, stepped towards Remus and pulled him closer to kiss him.

"Not a good idea." Remus placed a hand on Sirius's chest to stop him. "You're full of owl droppings."

"So are you," Sirius said, reasonably enough.

"Oh. Yes," Remus agreed, smiling sheepishly.

"I really like your definition on 'love'," Sirius said mischievously, "but basically it was the same I said - just in more _romantic_ words. And I'm not so sure about the _can't_-_live-without-each-other _part. I really wouldn't want you to drop dead every time you have Ancient Runes or Care of Magical Creatures or when you go to the library without me."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Can we kiss now?" And so they did, in this most unromantic setting: a chilly and stinking Owlery.


	12. Secrets

**Author's Note:** Thanks for the reviews you sent me! I appreciate each and everyone very much, and it's a great encouragement to get such nice feedback. Many thanks to my beta reader Sentrosi!!!

In the beginning, someone asked to see Darth Hinkypunk, and so I gave him one line in this chapter ;-)

Warning: This chapter contains some swearing again.

* * *

**Chapter 12**

**Secrets**

Two weeks later, Gryffindor had their second Quidditch match of the term. It was against Slytherin and therefore it was extra important. It had rained the whole week but today the weather was dry and windless. Perfect conditions - aside from the slippery grass. Yes, Quidditch was a game which took place in the air but Sirius said that James (when he had still been the captain of Gryffindor team) had always placed importance in even the smallest details, like the grass's condition because you had to keep special attention to it when you kicked off the ground.

Remus did not know much about Quidditch but the basic rules, and he had never been particularly interested in it but he cheered along with the other Gryffindors in the stands. He liked the cheerful mood and the feeling of togetherness. But he had to admit that he was a bit worried for Sirius. As a Beater, he was in constant nearness to the Bludgers. And those things could be really vicious. One Slytherin Chaser (a relative of Sirius's considering the insistence with which Sirius drove the Bludgers towards her) had already had to get replaced because of a broken arm. Besides, Sirius seemed to be more interested in attacking the Slytherins with the Bludgers than in defending his team - and himself - from the Bludgers. His current victim was the Slytherin Seeker: Sirius's younger brother Regulus. It really had the air of a family fight and not of a tactical move.

But in the end, Sirius's technique proved to be successful. Too distracted by saving himself from the Bludgers, Regulus did not notice the Snitch in time and the Gryffindor Seeker had gotten a free chance to catch the snitch. Cheers erupted from the Gryffindor fans and they all jumped up like one person. After their defeat in the first match against Hufflepuff, the chances of winning the Quidditch Cup were brighter now.

Remus and Peter followed the mass of excited Gryffindors to congratulate the victorious players. They waited until the throng of people, which had formed around the team, had dissolved.

"That was brilliant, mate!" Peter said and enthusiastically shook the hand of a beaming Sirius.

"Yes, good match," Remus added and gave Sirius a brief hug.

"Thanks," Sirius said. "See you in the common room."

Remus and Peter moved on to congratulate the other players too while Sirius went for the changing rooms.

This evening, all the Gryffindors celebrated a great party in their common room. Someone had brought butterbeer and there was even one bottle of Firewhiskey which was being passed around. Someone had put on a record from Darth Hinkypunk (it was not exceptionally good music - it was simply loud - but Darth Hinkypunk was what you had to listen to nowadays, as Sirius had once explained to Remus). Some people were singing along with it with negligible success, others played the Bertie-Bott's-Every-Flavour-Beans-As-Much-As-You-Can-Eat-Without-Vomitting-Game (you told each other which bean to eat, and the one who could not bring oneself to eat on anymore lost). Remus was sitting on a window sill opposite a girl from first year who had asked his advice on an essay about banshees she had to write for Defence Against the Dark Arts but meanwhile she had moved on to telling him all about her crazy owls (she had three owls but students were allowed to bring only one pet to Hogwarts, and now the owls were missing each other and rebelling and so on).

From time to time, Remus would look up and exchange a glance with Sirius, who was right in the middle of the festivities and obviously enjoyed it. Every time Sirius winked at him, Remus had this fluttering feeling in his stomach that made his toes curl and his cheeks turn red as if he had just now realised he had a crush on Sirius. Then again, so much had changed since the first days of their relationship. Earlier, Remus had sometimes worried that Sirius might flirt with someone else as soon as Remus turned his back on him. Today, it did not make him feel uneasy in the slightest to see Sirius talk animatedly to the Gryffindor Keeper, a very attractive girl from fifth year. With this confidence, Remus listened to the owl-problems of the young girl, offered his advice and even talked a bit of himself and why he did not really like owls anymore after cleaning the Owlery. Then she decided to take part in a round of Bertie-Bott's-Every-Flavour-Beans-As-Much-As-You-Can-Eat-Without-Vomitting. Remus wished her good luck and stayed sitting on the window sill and watching.

"Hey."

Sirius's soft voice so close to his ear made him startle. "Whoa, I didn't see you coming."

"What were you daydreaming about?" Sirius asked, moving around to stand in front of Remus, and leant forwards suggestively, causing his long black hair to fall in his eyes.

"Owl droppings."

Sirius snorted. "Sweet. And I always thought you were the romantic one."

Grinning, Remus affectionately tucked Sirius's hair aside so he could at least see his eyes. "Not today."

"Hm, that's a pity. Because I was just about to ask you to come upstairs into our dormitory. Everyone else's still celebrating, we could have a bit of time alone in peace."

"Don't you want to celebrate too?"

"I'd rather be alone with you."

"I can hardly say no to that, can I?" Smiling, Remus slid down from the window sill and followed Sirius into their dormitory. When he closed the door behind them, everything was suddenly eerily silent compared to the noise in the common room. Darth Hinkypunk's music and the loud voices were muffled now and were just background sounds.

"Bloody hell, I'm _sweating_," Sirius said, pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it carelessly aside.

When Remus's eyes rested on Sirius's naked chest, his heartbeat sped up. Of course, he had seen Sirius's naked upper body before. That was unavoidable if you lived in the same dormitory. But the way Sirius moved tonight when he sat down next to Remus on his bed made his intentions of bringing Remus up here pretty obvious. They had definitely never been so close before when Sirius had been half-naked. Remus gulped and tried to keep his gaze on Sirius's face. _Relax_, he told himself, _just relax and everything will be fine_.

"I just hope you didn't have a rotten-egg-bean in that stupid game," he said the first thing that came to his mind, in order to say just _anything_. It was really silly and not funny at all but Sirius laughed nonetheless, for which Remus was really grateful.

"Don't worry," Sirius murmured, his face moving closer towards Remus's. "I haven't taken part in that game since I had to eat a honey-flavoured bean in third year."

"What's so bad about honey?" Remus whispered hoarsely, intensely aware of the heat of Sirius's body so close to him.

"I really hate it," Sirius said huskily, placing a hand under Remus's chin and moving his face still closer until Remus could feel every breath of Sirius's on his nose and cheeks. "It's so disgustingly sweet... And it got in my hair once and everything got sticky and tangled."

"That's because your hair is too long," Remus breathed, and then their lips touched.

Before Remus knew what was happening, he found himself on the bed on his back, with Sirius on top of him. Sirius, with his heated and naked upper body that weighed heavily down on him, with his experienced tongue that hungrily devoured Remus's mouth, with his talented hands that were roaming Remus's body.

Even if Remus's lips had not been occupied otherwise and even if he had had the strength to struggle against Sirius's weight on him - he would not have complained anyway because Sirius was now moving his hips in a way that rendered every conscious thought incoherent. Remus's hands started moving on their own accord, pulling the other boy closer needily for more contact, trailing up and down Sirius's back. The only thing he wanted to do was touch Sirius, touch, touch, touch that wonderfully naked chest, and his back, and his arms and lips and neck and hair and...

Remus gasped when Sirius kissed his way down his neck, his hips moving against Remus's all the time. Sirius's hands greedily fumbled with Remus's collar, looking for more naked skin to kiss.

"May I?" Sirius murmured breathlessly and, without waiting for an answer, started opening the buttons of Remus's shirt. Then he moved a bit aside for Remus to sit up and pulled the shirt over his head. When the cool air touched Remus's chest, his almost delirious mind was suddenly clear again. All at once he realised what they were doing - and he knew they must not do this. Not before Sirius knew that he was a werewolf. Sirius had a right to know. Remus had to tell him. Tell him now or stop.

He did not want to stop.

"Sirius," he panted, "Sirius, wait." He seized Sirius's hands, which had been just about to start caressing Remus's chest. "Wait a moment, please."

"Hm?" Sirius questioningly looked up at him. His hair was all tousled and his cheeks were flushed from the excitement and the heat.

Remus felt a thrill of joy and fear race through him. _I'm going to tell him._ Joy because he would not have to hide anymore. Fear because he did not know what Sirius's reaction would be like. He knew he would not be able to endure it if Sirius rejected him. _I have to tell him. There's no way out of this anymore. I will tell him. Now._

"I... I need to tell you something," Remus whispered, staring down at their entwined fingers.

"Does it have to be _now_?" Sirius asked impatiently. "Can't it wait?"

"No. No, it cannot wait. There is something you need to know before we do this."

"Alright." Sirius sighed and put an arm around Remus's naked shoulders.

It felt so comforting, so safe, so _good_. It almost made Remus cry. _I never want to lose this. Please, don't take your arm away when you know who I really am._

"Something important?" Sirius asked.

"Yes. Something very important."

-------

Sirius really hoped it _was_ something very, very, _very_ important which justified the interruption. And he hoped even more that Remus did not want to delay this again because he did not feel ready for it yet. Sirius definitely did feel ready for it and he had waited for this long enough. But naturally he would stop if Remus felt uncomfortable about this. He just hoped he did not have to stop. Because he wanted this so much - no, he _needed_ it. _Now_.

"What is it?" Sirius asked when Remus still had not said anything but just kept his face buried in the curve of Sirius's neck.

"It's not easy to say, it is... complicated."

"Well, if you're going to tell me that you love me, you don't have to do it because I know."

Remus laughed a strange, high-pitched, nervous laugh. "No, it's a bit more complicated than that. I..." His voice cracked and his fingers dug deeper into Sirius's back. Was he _afraid_?

"Remus, what's wrong?" Sirius asked, slightly worried now. "Will you please tell me!"

"Just - just promise me you won't hate me," Remus said in a small voice.

"Bloody hell, Remus, I would _never_ hate you! I _love_ you!" Sirius tightened his embrace on Remus's slim shoulders. Suddenly, he was afraid too. What if there was something seriously wrong with Remus? What if he had - Sirius gulped - a terrible disease? A venereal disease and that was why they couldn't... _Oh Merlin, no, please not. Please, anything but that! I couldn't take it if he was dying! _

"Remus!" Almost panicking now, Sirius slightly shook Remus's shoulders. "What is it?"

His face still hidden against Sirius's shoulder, Remus finally said in a very quiet voice, "The thing is, I'm a werewolf."

"You're a -" And then Sirius just laughed. He laughed in relief because Remus was _not_ dying and he did _not_ have a terrible disease, and they could just continue now because there was nothing to worry about. He pulled Remus's face up and kissed him hard on the lips.

"Bloody hell, you shouldn't have done that," he said between the kisses. "You gave me such a shock. For a moment, I thought... Nevermind. But still, I don't think it was a justification to stop me." He thought that Remus was really in an odd mood today. It was really uncharacteristic of him to tell such stupid and irrelevant things between kisses. Normally, he just told Sirius how much he loved him and how happy he was and so on in such a situation. But this was really crazy. Why was he acting like that? If he wanted to have sex too, he should not stop Sirius. If he, however, did not want it, he could just tell him so.

Remus separated from their embrace and looked at Sirius with oddly shining eyes. "You don't mind?" he asked incredulously.

"Don't mind _what_?" Sirius said in confusion.

"Well, that I'm a... werewolf."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Have you had Firewhiskey?" he asked suspiciously.

"No. Why...?"

"Just wondering. Because that's the silliest thing I've ever heard. Really, couldn't you at least have chosen to be a vampire?"

"I - what - ex-excuse me?" Remus stammered, completely flabbergasted.

"Yeah, a vampire. Would have suited you better than a werewolf," Sirius said, waving his hand impatiently. Did they really have to bother with something like this?! "You know, you are rather pale too and often you have dark circles around the eyes - just like vampires. And vampires are supposed to be all cunning and clever. But of course you should wear black clothes, long swirling cloaks and things, to look more vampire-like. And you're not really intimidating. And your teeth are too short."

"I know, I'm not a vampire. I'm a werewolf."

"Sure, and I'm a ghoul."

"Er, Sirius..." Remus trailed off and gave him a helpless glance. "I really _am_ a werewolf."

"Oh, come off it, Remus." Sirius shook his head in exasperation. It really _was_ the silliest thing he had ever heard. Remus a werewolf? Quiet, reserved, gentle, helpful, smart Remus a werewolf? The mere idea was ludicrous. It was like claiming that Snape was a Veela. "I'm sorry to say so but you're not very werewolfish," Sirius explained patiently. "You should have ripped your clothes and got yourself dirty before. Then you should have wildly jumped on me and scratched and licked me hungrily. You should have said in a growling voice something like _'Mmm, you're mine now'_. Oh yes, and your eyes could have gleamed yellow, that would have been a cool effect."

"Sirius, this is not a joke," Remus said, imploringly seeking his gaze.

"Then what else is it supposed to mean?" Sirius demanded to know. Remus certainly was in an odd mood because there was no reason for him to be so insistent. The joke was over now, there was no reason to follow it any longer. "If there is something you want to tell me by that - I don't know, maybe some metaphor about love I have never heard of before - then please just do it directly. I'm really not in the mood for this now."

"This is not... argh." Remus rubbed his forehead in frustration.

He was really behaving strangely. Maybe someone had put something in his drink today? Maybe Snape or some other rotten Slytherin had wanted to drug him, and now Remus was having visions or hallucinations? If that was indeed the cause, Sirius swore to take the worst revenge he was capable of because they had ruined this perfect day.

"Maybe you should," Sirius began and put a hand forward but he never finished the gesture because Remus suddenly roughly rolled up the left leg of his trousers to reveal something...

"Here, look at this!" Remus said fiercely. "Does it look like a normal wound to you?"

Sirius stared at it in shock. It looked...revolting. Like a badly healed wound which had become infected. Like a fester. Very slowly, a feeling of dread settled in Sirius's stomach. It could not be. There was no possible way this could be...

"Well, that's it," Remus said darkly. "That's the wound from when I was bitten. The curse."

"It cannot be," Sirius muttered. "You... you never transformed!" he suddenly remembered. _Ha!_ He had it. He had found the proof that Remus could not be a werewolf at all.

"Of course I did."

"But I never saw -"

"Well, of course you didn't _see_ me transform. Did you really think I would transform _here_, in a _dormitory_ with other people around?"

"Well, you would still _have_ to transform, right?" Sirius said superiorly. "You couldn't simply ignore the full moon just because you're in a dormitory and there are other people around."

"Of course I wasn't here in the dormitory during the full moon."

"How strange, I never noticed your absence."

"But you did. I just never went to see my parents to tell them that I'm gay, I never was invited to my aunt's wedding, my mother wasn't ill, I didn't take part in a quiz on grindylows, I didn't -"

"Wait a moment," Sirius interrupted him. His brain was desperately trying to catch up with all that new information, was trying to make sense of everything. The horrible thing about it was: It did make perfect sense.

"You... You really _are_ a werewolf," he said, too shocked by his own words to do anything.

"Wow, you got it really quickly," Remus said in a quiet and slightly sarcastic voice.

Sirius simply stared at Remus as if he had just seen him for the first time. Which was true, in a certain way. The Remus he had known so far - the quiet, reserved, gentle, helpful, smart Remus - did not exist. Had never existed. Instead, Sirius was currently sitting opposite a... _WEREWOLF!_

That was when finally his survival instincts kicked back in. His gaze darted to the calendar on the wall... which, unfortunately, only showed the month of September from two years ago.

"Full moon is in six days," Remus, having rightly guessed Sirius's intention, said quietly.

"When... What..." And suddenly the whole enormity of the situation crashed down on Sirius. "Get out of my bed, werewolf!" he shrieked, reaching wildly for his wand on the bedside table but he only managed to knock over a glass of pumpkin juice, which soaked a pile of books.

Remus jerked backwards at Sirius's words as if he had been hit. "This is my bed," he said hollowly.

"Get out of the bed anyway!" Sirius said harshly, desperately trying to remember his Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons on werewolves. "You have no right to be here!" he continued angrily, all reason forgotten. He could not remember the lessons on werewolves anyway. He knew he was defenceless and was in one room, even in one bed, with a werewolf. He knew he should be more careful because it was never clever to enrage a werewolf.

But he did not care.

Sirius Black had never been a reasonable person and now he was angry and hurt, and he did not care in the slightest if he endangered his own life. Glaring furiously at Remus, he said again, "Get out of here, I said!"

Very slowly, Remus moved backward and finally got out of the bed. Helplessly, he remained standing at the foot of the bed, gazing down at Sirius.

"I can explain," he said lamely.

"_Explain_?!" Sirius exploded. "What is there to explain? You _betrayed_ me! I _loved_ you and all the while I was thinking you loved me too but you were lying to me all along and I was just so _stupid_ to ever think- ... and -" His voice cracked. "...and I _hate_ you!"

"Sirius, please listen to me," Remus said in a small and shaking voice. "Please let me explain. I _really_ loved you. I mean, I still do. I still love you and I would never lie to you about that -"

"Yeah, but you _did_!" Sirius snapped. "You lied to me and you used me and exploited me! Tell me, what did you plan to do to me? Bite me when you had me where you wanted me to be? Turn me into a monster?"

"No! No, Sirius, please believe me -"

"I will never believe you again!" Sirius shouted, beside himself with rage. "I was stupid enough to do so once but I certainly will never do it again, now that I know what you are!"

Remus just stood there, at a loss for words. Sirius stared at his white chest crisscrossed with scars and the slim, shaking shoulders. He felt like weeping and raging at the same time. How could he! How could Remus have done that to him?! Remus, who had always seemed so considerate, so sympathetic, who had always listened to him and comforted him... No, Remus was not like that, Sirius suddenly realised. What he had seen had just been a farce, a game, pretence. The werewolf was the only thing real in this whole game of betrayal. And, naturally, it made perfect sense. Because weren't werewolves supposed to be cunning and deceiving? Sirius felt like banging his head against the wall. He had been so _stupid_ not to see it!

"I will report this to Dumbledore at once," he said in a commanding and threatening voice. "And you stay here. You will regret it if you try to do a runner. Dumbledore will find you, you can be sure of that."

"But he already knows," Remus said.

"Dumbledore allowed you to come to Hogwarts when he knew you were a werewolf?" Sirius gasped. "Is he mad?!"

"That's what many people think," Remus said bitterly, "and he had to go through a lot of trouble until I could finally come here."

"Ha, this won't work with me again!" Sirius said in savage triumph. "I know you're lying again. Dumbledore would never allow a werewolf in Hogwarts. He always says that the students' security is his priority. Well, and a werewolf wandering among innocent kids is not really something you usually call safe, is it?"

Remus sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his straggly hair. "Merlin, you really don't know _anything_ about werewolves, do you? Have you ever heard of the Werewolf Registry? Well, it would be impossible to escape Professor Dumbledore's notice that I'm a werewolf. And everything _is_ safe for the students. Professor Dumbledore arranged a place where I can go to during the full moon. The entrance to it is hidden and guarded, and it is perfectly safe."

"That's what you say, of course," Sirius scorned. "What about the rest of the month? Then we're _not_ safe from you - and you already managed to seduce _me_."

"Seduce you?" Remus laughed a bitter, humourless laugh. "Oh for heaven's sake, just look at me." He spread his arms wide in a mocking gesture. "Do I look seducing in any way? Am I behaving seductively? Certainly not. If I remember correctly, it was _you_ who had the idea to kiss under the mistletoe, it was _you_ who brought me up here tonight."

The thought made Sirius go sick. He had kissed a _werewolf_. What if Remus had bitten him during the kiss? Just a light bite on the tongue and... Sirius felt ready to faint. And tonight... he had almost had _sex_ with a _werewolf_. He had heard rumours of werewolves mating for life. What if Remus had marked him during the act and thus had bound Sirius to him forever, for the rest of his life?! All of it would have happened without Sirius having a clue what was going on. Suddenly, all of Remus's declarations on '_eternal love_' got a whole new meaning altogether. Sirius shuddered at the mere idea of it.

"You...you..." In his fury, he was speechless. He struggled for words. He wanted to say something, wanted to hurt Remus as he had hurt Sirius, wanted to take revenge... "Yeah, you were really doing a bad job at seducing me," he finally spat. "I don't know what made me act the way I did but you... Sure, as a werewolf you've never been in any relationship before, have you? Naturally, who would have been stupid enough to want to be with you? Oh, it explains a whole lot, doesn't it? Why you have never kissed anyone before... And you know what? Your kisses are the worst I've ever got! I've never kissed anyone before who's such a lousy kisser as you!"

Remus's lips were trembling but his voice rose now too when he shot back at Sirius. "Yes, you're right, perfectly right: Why would anyone ever love a werewolf? I should have known..." His voice cracked but he continued nonetheless, not in the controlled, calm Remus-way but in a voice which was shaking with emotion. "Stupid of _me_ to believe _you_ could ever really love me! Because you never did! If you had really loved me, you wouldn't mind that I'm a werewolf!"

"Whoa, that's a bit gross, don't you think?!" Sirius shouted incredulously. "Blaming me for being disloyal and all when you were lying to me all the time! And now speaking of _real love_... The truth is, you don't know what love is! You have no idea! Why would you? All you know is what you've read in those ridiculous novels - oh yes, _eternal love_, _I can't live without you_, _trusting each other_ - _trust_, haha, makes me want to laugh!" But Sirius did not laugh at all because it hurt too much to think that all the things Remus had told him had just been empty words. Angrily, he banged his fist on the mattress. "It's pathetic, really, that's what it is - what you are: _pathetic_!"

"Yeah, I guess I am!" Remus said between dry sobs. "I guess it was pathetic of me to believe in things like unconditional love. To believe in _you_. I thought you were different, you know? But it turns out you're just like everyone else. You see, obviously my aunt didn't invite me to her wedding - because I'm a werewolf. And by the way, the only reason I stayed at Hogwarts during the Christmas holidays was because my parents were invited to celebrate together with my grandparents and I was not invited - because I'm a werewolf."

Sirius choked back his angry tears. So Remus had not stayed at Hogwarts during the holidays to keep him company - he had just stayed because he had not had another choice.

"And I never had private tuition, obviously. I simply wasn't allowed to attend school - because I'm a _werewolf_!" Remus continued.

"You know what?" Sirius shouted back. "I was only five years old when I got honey in my hair - so it was _not_ too long then!" It was totally beside the point but it was the only argument he could think of. It meant he had hidden something from Remus too. And then Sirius could not take it any more. He could not endure talking to... well, _shouting_ at Remus because he knew he would start crying soon, and that _werewolf_ was not worth his tears. He jumped out of the bed (Remus hastily moved aside to let him through) and stormed out of the dormitory, down the spiral staircase and through the common room, where the party was still going on. He did not care what any of his fellow Gryffindors would think upon seeing him, stripped to the waist and only in his socks, race through the common room. He brutally shoved the portrait of the Fat Lady aside, ran down another flight of stairs and another and another until he finally slowed down his pace. His heart still thumping furiously in his chest, he purposefully marched forward, ignoring the curious glances he attracted from the portraits. He knew where he needed to go now: Astronomy Tower.

And when he stepped into the open, and the cold wind blew into his face, he even felt a bit better. A tiny little bit. He lay down in his favourite position to gaze in the stars, trying to calm down his breathe. Mercilessly, memories of all the times he had spent up here with Remus were torturing his mind. Images came back... when they had used Remus's new telescope together to look for certain stars or a stellar constellation... together up here at this cold and lonely place...

Angrily, Sirius stood up again and leant against the rampart wall to look down. His gaze rested on his still shaking hands, pale white in the light of the half moon. But maybe they were only shaking because it was so cold. The rough night air felt like needles on his naked upper body and he decided to sit down again so the rampart walls protected him against the harsh wind. Shivering, he pulled his knees to his chest. It did not help in the slightest. But in an odd way Sirius wanted to get a cold, he wanted to be forced to stay in bed so everyone could see him suffering, see what they had done to him. With shaking hands, he fumbled in the pockets of his trousers, hoping to find any cigarettes there. And luckily there even was an old and squashed packet. Using his wand to ignite it, he sighed in relief and took a deep drag.

_Why __do you smoke?_

_Because it annoys my mother._

_That's not a very good reason._

_Why not?_

_I__t's not worth ruining your health just for it._

Growling in annoyance, Sirius threw away the cigarette, cursing lowly, "Fuck you, Remus. Fuck you, werewolf!" Almost in trance, he watched the little orange glimmer at the cigarette's tip flickering a little longer but then slowly dying down until there was only darkness left.


	13. He Will Break Your Heart

**Author's Note**: I'm still overwhelmed by the amount of reviews for the last chapter... 23 reviews for one chapter - I can't believe it! Well, I know there are stories which get much more reviews but I'm usually happy with ten reviews per chapter. 23 is definitely my unbroken record. Thanks to everyone for that! And special thanks, as always, to my beta Sentrosi!

* * *

**Chapter 13**

**He Will Break Your Heart**

_He will break your heart._

Oh yes, Lily had told him. She had warned him. She had known all along. Naturally... She had known Sirius Black for a much longer time than Remus. How could he have been so arrogant to assume that Sirius Black had completely changed - just for _him_?!

_He will break your heart._

Yes, Sirius had done that to him. Remus had never felt so close to someone before. He had never felt so sure of something before either. He had believed nothing could ever come between their love. And then, the look of dawning comprehension on Sirius's face... a look of disgust. Remus knew: that look would haunt him forever. It would remind him forever to never fall in love with someone again, to never trust in someone again, to never confess his most private secret in someone again. He knew he had learned a lot from this episode. He had learned to stay cool and never let people get close to you because they only hurt you.

Yes, he had learned his lesson but that did not mean that he could simply follow it now. He was not above pain yet. And, Hag's Hell, it _did_ hurt. Worse than any werewolf transformation could ever hurt.

_He will break your heart._

Staggering towards his discarded shirt, he bent down to pick it up. But as soon as he knelt on the floor, he did not have the strength anymore to stand up again. He grabbed his shirt, and buried his face in it to muffle the desperate sobs and to catch the hot tears.

"He'll get back to his senses soon."

Remus startled and cautiously lifted his head up a few millimetres to see who had spoken. It was Peter, who, looking rather lost and uncomfortable, stood a few feet away from him and stared down at his pathetic form.

"Sirius, I mean," Peter said, throwing nervous glances in Remus's direction. "Don't worry, he... He can be a bit rash sometimes and he always acts before thinking."

"Peter..." Remus forced himself to look up at him out of his tearstained eyes. "How... How long have you been here? What have you heard?" It did not really matter because soon people would know about his lycanthropy anyway but he hoped to be far away before that happened. He did not want to look into any more disgusted faces.

"Actually..." Peter awkwardly stared at his hands, which he wrung fidgety. "I had gone up here to get another box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, and then you and Sirius suddenly came in. I... well, I didn't want to give you the impression that I was watching you, and I thought you would hear me if I tried to sneak out, and, well, I just stayed in my bed and..." He trailed off and threw Remus a helpless glance. "Sorry, mate, I didn't mean to eavesdrop."

"So you heard everything," Remus concluded. He hardly recognised his own voice. It sounded so hollow and steely.

"Er, yeah, I did."

"Great." Remus heaved a deep sigh. "You can just go now. I'm not going to rip you to pieces." Then he could not fight back the next sob any longer, and quickly buried his face in his tear soaked shirt again.

"Er..." He heard Peter awkwardly clear his throat. "I didn't think you would, er, rip me to pieces." There was the shuffling sound of feet, and then Remus felt the light touch of a sweaty hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, okay?" Peter said in a comforting voice. "Sirius often says stupid things. He didn't really mean it like that."

"'Course he did," Remus mumbled.

"Yeah, alright... maybe he did," Peter admitted. "But... I'm sure he'll change his mind once he has thought about it a bit."

Remus did not believe it but he was immensely grateful for Peter's attempts to comfort him nonetheless. He was not grateful for the words - he was simply grateful that Peter stayed here with him.

Remus sniffed and briefly looked up into Peter's worried face. "Aren't you...afraid of me? Don't you hate me now too?"

Peter grinned nervously. "Nah, I don't hate you. I mean, it wasn't really your fault that you were bitten, was it? My cousin told me of a neighbour of his whose child was bitten by a werewolf too - no, wait, it was the neighbour's grandchild... anyway, that child was bitten by a werewolf and she was still so young and did not survive her first transformation and it was really sad and all... I won't deny that I was scared to death when I heard you tell Sirius that you were a werewolf. I thought you could bite us too and then we would die during our transformation too but... Well, it was a bit different to me than to Sirius, right? I had the time to listen to what you said and I thought about it and I guess if Dumbledore's okay with it, and he has made arrangements so it's perfectly safe, then I'm sure it _is_ safe. Because Sirius is right, Dumbledore would never endanger his students."

"Thanks," Remus said weakly while new tears started running down his face. "I... Thanks."

"I'm sure Sirius will understand it too," Peter said, more confidently now. "He probably just never really learned anything about werewolves. His family is not really friendly towards such, er... towards werewolves. You won't believe it but when he came to Hogwarts, he was fully convinced that You-Know-Who had good reasons for what he does. It took James some time until he could convince Sirius that things were a bit different. And maybe it's the same with your werewolf-thing. Besides, when we learned about werewolves in Defense Against the Dark Arts, Sirius wasn't really paying attention. He and James were trying to get Lily Evans and Emily Silver notice them. I still remember because Professor Ötzli then said, '_If you don't stop disturbing the lesson, I will pay to have a werewolf to bite you_'. Any chance that you are said werewolf?"

"_What_?" Remus gave a high-pitched sob in his shock.

Peter flinched. "Just joking, just joking," he said quickly.

"Oh. Okay, right," Remus said weakly. He finally forced himself to stand up again, threw his wet shirt aside and grabbed a new one, which he put on. "I..." He shrugged helplessly. "I just want to wander through the castle one last time before I pack my things. If... if we don't see each other again... Well, goodbye, Peter. It was nice to get to know you. You're a great friend and I can't even find words to say how grateful I am that you don't hate me for being a werewolf." He offered Peter a trembling hand.

Peter, however, did not seize his hand. "What do you mean? You're _leaving_? Just because of Sirius? Are you mad? You can't do that!"

Remus laughed a weak, humourless laugh. "It's not just because of Sirius. As soon as the rest of the school knows what I am, they - and especially their parents - will be outraged and frightened. Parents don't want their children to be in one room with someone like me."

Thoughtfully, Peter chewed on his bottom lip. "You could be right there," he admitted, "I'm sure a few parents will freak out... But, Remus, you managed to keep it secret so far - nothing has to change. I will not tell anyone."

"Thank you," Remus muttered, deeply touched by Peter's loyalty. "But Sirius... He didn't really sound like he intended to keep it secret for me."

"Damn it... So what are you going to do now? Will you go to another wizarding school?"

"No chance," Remus said hopelessly. "Firstly, they don't accept me there. My parents tried to convince every wizarding school in the world to accept me but Dumbledore was the only one willing to do it. Secondly, there certainly will be a public scandal once the Daily Prophet hears of this. And then it's over for me anyway, you see? I'll just have to try my luck in the muggle world."

"Shit," Peter murmured. "This is not good… Listen, why don't you try to talk to Sirius again? Explain it to him. He _has_ to understand."

"I don't think he will ever talk to me again," Remus whispered miserably. Fighting back his tears, he grabbed his cloak, turned around and slowly walked out of the dormitory, out of the common room, where people were still celebrating, and out of Gryffindor Tower. His feet automatically carried him towards the Astronomy Tower. Yes, he wanted to be alone now with nothing but the darkness and the stars around him.

He took a deep breath of relief when he stepped into the open air. When a harsh voice addressed him, he startled in surprise.

"What are you doing here?"

Of course, it was Sirius. He always went here when he was angry or sad. Remus should have known he would meet him here. Remus did not know what to reply. What did he want here? _I want to look at the stars and remember all the good times we had here. I want to pretend for just one more minute that that wonderful dream is still reality._ But he did not say anything, he just remained standing there in silence.

"Bugger off," Sirius said moodily.

Only now did Remus notice that Sirius did not wear anything to cover his naked upper body. He must be freezing to death! Remus's first instinct was to rush to Sirius's side, give him his own cloak and embrace him tightly to keep him warm. But he knew that was not a possible option.

"There is no law which forbids werewolves to be on certain buildings," he said quietly, willing his voice to sound steady.

"So what?" Sirius snapped. "I don't care, just leave me alone. If you don't bugger off right now, I'm going to _make_ you leave."

"Yeah, go on, throw me down the Astronomy Tower, or what is your great plan?" Remus said, growing angry and angrier with time.

"Oh no," Sirius said grimly, "I'm not a heartless monster."

"You know what, Sirius?" Remus said bitterly. "I think you _are_."

"Fine!" Sirius stood up abruptly. "Fine, think of me whatever you want! I don't care! I don't care what a werewolf thinks of me!" He rushed past Remus and down the spiral staircase.

Feeling utterly lost, Remus remained standing where he was. _So this is how it ends. I accuse him of being a heartless monster and he accuses me of being a werewolf._

-------

Sirius angrily stomped through the corridors again. Why couldn't Remus simply leave him in peace?! Not enough that the stupid werewolf kept haunting his mind, no, now he also had to appear in person and spoil Sirius's already spoilt night even more. Obviously, Remus did not even have a guilty conscience for what he had done to Sirius! Well, why should he? It was stupid of Sirius to assume that werewolves could have a guilty conscience for anything.

Why had he not seen it coming? Why?! How could he have been so stupid! Everything made perfect sense now. Remus had never opened himself up in any way. He had never told anyone anything of his past or of his home. Actually, Sirius did not know anything about him. _I only know he likes sleeping and reading... Wonderful, what a great basis to build a relationship on._ Remus had never given anything to him - it had always been Sirius who had willingly given himself to that _idiotic, traitorous, evil, heartless werewolf_. It had been Sirius who had shown his vulnerable side to Remus at the beginning of their friendship and had told Remus all about his fears. It had been Sirius who had confessed his love at first. Sirius was sure now Remus had harboured feelings of love for him for a longer time - but he had never told Sirius any of it. _Wait, I'm thinking in those old ways again. He did __**not**__ love me. He only pretended to._ Oh, and Remus had never agreed to have sex either. He had always tried to keep a distance between them.

"I hate you, Remus Lupin, I really, really hate you." After several more muttered curses against a certain werewolf, Sirius felt really stupid running through the castle half-naked. And he was cold. _What now_? he wondered aimlessly. Then he decided the first thing he had to do was telling Peter about it. Yes, Peter had a right to know the true story about their former friend.

Peter was already in their dormitory when Sirius arrived. "Oh, hello Sirius. Have you already talked to Remus?"

"What about?" Sirius asked in a strained voice.

"About his werewolf-problem," Peter said matter-of-factly, causing Sirius's mouth to fall open.

"You already know?" he asked incredulously.

"Yes. I heard everything and I've spoken to Remus about it."

"Ah." Sirius eyed Peter sceptically. "What lies did he tell you? Did he try to manipulate you?"

"Of course not."

"_Peter._" Sirius made a step forward to seize Peter's shoulders harshly. He stressed every letter of the following words. "Remus Lupin is a werewolf."

"Yeah, I know, Sirius," Peter said uneasily. "I mean, he was always nice, wasn't he? He helped me a lot with school work and he was never one to get into trouble. Actually, he was always the one to stop us when we wanted to play a not-so-nice prank."

"He - he _betrayed _us all!" Sirius said desperately. He knew what Peter meant. Sirius had thought it through too, had tried to make sense of the odd difference between the person Remus Lupin had seemed to be all the time and the werewolf. "Don't you see it? He's not the person we thought he was. He's a werewolf, Peter, and you should know what that means."

"I don't know, Sirius, did he do anything really evil so far? I don't think he did. I think you should give him a chance."

"You're crazy," Sirius said disbelievingly. "You can't mean that."

"You shouldn't tell anyone about it," Peter said, speaking suddenly much more boldly. "You know what he said? There is no chance he will be allowed to go to any other school once everyone knows the truth about him. Sirius, please. You can't ruin the rest of his life just because you're angry at him now because he, erm, _betrayed_ you."

The words hurt, and Sirius did not even know why. On the one hand, he did not want to ruin the rest of Remus's life, on the other, he wanted to do exactly that as an act of revenge. Why did Peter have to appeal to his conscience now? Why couldn't Remus simply go to any other school and leave Sirius alone? But, unfortunately, things were not as easy as that.

"He shouldn't be allowed to be here," Sirius mumbled.

"I'm sure Dumbledore knows enough about werewolves so he can make sure we're still safe here."

"I just don't know why _Dumbledore _would allow a werewolf to be here," Sirius said quietly and angrily. He felt like Dumbledore had betrayed him too. "I mean, he's supposed to be _against_ Voldemort and Dark Magic and dark creatures."

"Yeah, but Dumbledore has always been a bit eccentric, right? Maybe this is just another clever move of his to get the werewolves on his side."

"But I don't want werewolves on our side." Even when he said it, Sirius realised that he sounded like a defiant little child. Certainly Dumbledore did not have to ask for Sirius's permission if he wanted to carry out a new plan. "I just don't understand it," Sirius said miserably. "Of all the people who could be a werewolf it's Remus Lupin. I mean, he always seemed to be the nicest guy I've ever known..."

"Well, nobody is perfect," Peter said sagely.

Just then, Remus entered the dormitory again. He had his head held down and did not even bother to give them a brief glance. Without a word, he pulled his trunk out from under his bed and started throwing his belongings into it. Peter threw Sirius an imploring look. Angrily, Sirius drummed his fingers on his bedpost.

"What are you doing?" he demanded to know.

Remus stopped dead in his movements. His hand, which was holding one of the books which Sirius had spilled with pumpkin juice earlier, hovered undecidedly over the open trunk. Slowly, he looked up at Sirius.

"Well, what does it look like?" he said quietly. "Doing the Zarati-Lightning? Duelling Lord Voldemort?"

"Oh, funny, funny, funny," Sirius said sardonically.

"Remus, you don't have to go," Peter said. "We're not going to tell anyone." He gave Sirius another imploring glance.

Remus's eyes had not left Sirius's for a moment, though. Finally, Sirius looked away. He could not endure the silent accusation in Remus's eyes any longer.

"Alright then, I'm not going to tell anyone," he muttered, biting hard on his tongue. Then he looked up again and threw Remus a deathly glare. "I'm not a heartless monster. I don't want you to run around telling everyone that Sirius Black ruined your life. And I don't want to be in your debt."

Remus nodded shortly. "Alright." He took a deep breath, pulled his telescope out from under the bed, stood up and handed it to Sirius. "You can have it back. I don't want to be in your debt either."

Sirius bit on his tongue even harder. How dare Remus do that! He did not even value the precious present Sirius had given him any longer!

"Keep it," Sirius said coldly. "I have no use for it. I already have a telescope, as you know. I obviously wasted much money on you but it's too late now."

"I'm going to pay you for it," Remus said determinedly and put the telescope aside. "How much did it cost?" He fiercely grabbed his purse and turned it upside-down so that all the coins fell onto his bed.

"33 Galleons, 3 Sickles and 3 Knuts," Sirius recited in a bored voice. "You don't have to pay me the Knuts back," he added with a sneer.

Remus frantically counted his money. His cheeks turned a bright pink when he offered Sirius all his coins. "That's ten Galleons, one Sickle and seven Knuts. You'll get the rest later," he said awkwardly.

"Thank you," Sirius said cynically. He pocketed the coins but then decided otherwise and gave Remus one Galleon back. "That's for the licorice wands you bought me for Christmas," he said haughtily. "Oh yes..." He picked another two Galleons and pushed them roughly into Remus's hand. "And that's for the books I spilled with pumpkin juice tonight."

Remus, however, immediately gave him the three Galleons back. "Take it back, it's for all the times you taught me spells and curses."

Sirius would not have that, and threw the Galleons back on Remus's bed. "Keep them, it's for all the essays you wrote for me!"

Peter watched the whole exchange with a look of nervous scepticism on his face. Remus ran his fingers through his stringy hair in frustration. He seized the telescope again and shoved it into Sirius's arms.

"Take it anyway. I don't want it."

Sirius pushed it back towards Remus. "I don't want it either."

"Just take it!"

"I already told you: I don't need it!"

"I don't need it either!" Remus roughly shoved the telescope into Sirius's arms, Sirius did not seize it - and then it landed with a loud crash on the floor between them, where it burst into many little pieces. Remus gasped in shock and took a step backwards. Sirius gulped and stared down at the remains of the telescope. It was broken beyond repair. Just like their friendship.

He eyed Remus with cold contempt. "You can clean it up. It was your fault." With that, he went to bed and drew his curtains around him tightly shut.

He lay awake for many hours. He heard Remus and Peter go to bed too; then finally Alex and Chris, who had stayed at the party for a long time, arrived too. Soon he heard Alex's soft snores from the other side of the room. Peter stopped tossing in his bed a few minutes later, which meant he was asleep now too. Sirius, however, could not find sleep tonight. His feet were ice-cold (probably from staying on the Astronomy Tower half-naked) and his troubled mind simply did not find peace. He painfully remembered the other nights when he had not been able to fall asleep. He would just cautiously pull the curtains around Remus's bed open. If Remus was not awake, he would just wait and clear his throat a few times until Remus would mutter, "Mm? Sirius, is that you?" Then Sirius would say, "Can't sleep", and Remus would answer, "Come in", and they would curl up together. It was even better if Sirius said, "I'm cold" (even if he was not really cold - he just needed an excuse, after all, for climbing into the other boy's bed), because then Remus would tightly rub his back until Sirius would assure him that he was perfectly warm now.

Now Sirius simply hugged his own pillow to his chest and tried to think of anything else but the werewolf in the bed next to him.


	14. In Vino Veritas

**Author's Note:** Many thanks again for all your lovely reviews! They make me want to update quickly ;-) And many thanks also to my beta reader Sentrosi!

Warning: This chapter contains alcohol abuse, bad language and sexual situations.

* * *

**Chapter 14**

**In Vino Veritas**

The next weeks were not particularly nice to Sirius.

During the first week, he completely ignored Remus, exchanged a few words with Peter and spent most of his time sulking alone. He had problems paying attention in class because his mind kept wandering off to other things. It was hard to pretend that Remus did not exist because they had most lessons together, shared one dormitory, and ate at the same table in the Great Hall. But he could tell Remus tried just as much to avoid Sirius's company. He stayed in the library until it was closed late at night, in class he chose the place which was farthest away from Sirius and he preferred drinking nothing to asking Sirius to pass him the coffee pot during breakfast.

When the weekend arrived, Sirius decided that he had had enough of it. His great plan was to get piss drunk in the Hog's Head and forget about everything. But after five glasses of Firewhiskey and one mug of steaming Runespoor Rum, he got even more melancholic and decided to better leave.

Back in Hogwarts, he wandered aimlessly through the corridors. Finally, he sat down next to a suit of armour and wistfully stared at a moving picture of a fair damsel and her knight in shining armour. Luckily, most people were already in their dormitories or common rooms and he was only seldom disturbed. But then he caught sight of something which somehow distracted him from his depressed mood. His eyes followed a long, shiny, swinging, blond ponytail. His eyes wandered down to long legs on stilettos. _Click, click, click_... The steady sound of the stilettos; and the ponytail swung from one side to the other with every graceful step. Finally, Sirius's senses kicked back in. He hastily scrambled to his feet (he had to hold on to the suit of armour in order not to stumble) and shouted, "Heh, Belinda!"

The blond ponytail stopped swinging, and she turned around. "Sirius." She measured him coldly out of her pale blue eyes.

"Belinda, I have to apologise." Sirius caught up with her and used one hand to steady himself on her shoulder. "You were right. You were right...and I was wrong to ever snog that disgusting Lupin."

She wrinkled her snub nose and examined him critically. "You're drunk."

Sirius chuckled lowly. "Yeah, I guess I am." He chuckled again. "Have you ever heard the saying _In vino veritas_? I can see clearly now and I know what I want: you." Before she could even answer him, he had roughly pulled her close to him and kissed her hard on the lips. She struggled at first but he did not let go of her, and finally she relaxed in his arms and kissed him back. He snogged her as if his life depended on it. His tongue roamed her mouth and relished in the sweet taste of it. One hand had greedily slipped under her blouse and rubbed her delicate naked skin, while the other hand rested on her firm bottoms, kneading them sensually and roughly. When he was finally dizzy with lack of oxygen, he reluctantly let go of her.

"Sirius," she whispered breathlessly and leant towards him again.

"Come with me," he said huskily, slung one arm around her slim waist and led her towards Gryffindor Tower and up into his dormitory. He craved sex, he needed _good_ sex and he needed it _now_. He had never had sex with Belinda before but he was sure she was good - judging by her looks, there must be many boys who were interested in her. He pulled her into his bed and quickly closed the curtains. He did not even bother to cast a Silencing Charm. _Let them hear us_, he thought savagely. _Let them hear what a great lover I am, let them hear how I can make little Belinda moan my name in pleasure_.

Without hesitancy, he started undressing Belinda. When he had uncovered her breasts, he took a moment to admire the perfect shape of them.

"Not bad," he mumbled and extended one hand to touch her. Moaning and shuddering slightly, she leant into the touch. She opened the slide which held her hair in a ponytail, and slightly shook her head so that her long, shining hair fell down over her naked shoulders.

"Mm, I like that," Sirius slurred and pulled her forwards into another heated kiss. When his hands entangled in her hair, he wondered how he could have ever preferred Remus's stringy sandy-brown hair to Belinda's silky and long hair. How could he have ever preferred Remus's angular, thin frame to Belinda's feminine curves? Why had he chosen to kiss Remus's chapped lips when he could have had Belinda's full, glossy-red lips? What good was there in touching Remus's scarred skin compared to Belinda's soft and delicate skin? And wasn't her scent of sweetshop and perfumery much more alluring than Remus's scent of old attic and autumn forest?

Smiling wickedly, Belinda hooked one of her long legs over his hip and pulled him closer.

"My, you're sexy," he complimented her and pulled her on his lap.

"So are you," she whispered breathlessly. She skilfully opened the buttons of his shirt with her long fingers, and Sirius wondered again how he could ever have preferred Remus's always ink stained and calloused fingers to her perfectly shaped and perfectly manicured ones. Sirius captured her deliciously full lips in another kiss. Moaning softly, she moved sensually against him, and Sirius was positive this was going to be the best sex he had ever had. ...Until he heard a choked sob, hurried footsteps and a door being closed. He froze for a moment. A painful realisation reached his mind, which had been clouded with lust and alcohol.

"Sirius? Do you love me?" Belinda asked, smiling widely at him.

Suddenly, Sirius's unease grew. He was in one bed with Belinda Malfoy, who was almost completely naked. He had seduced her and brought her up here to... _Bloody hell, what have I done?!_

"Belinda," Sirius said helplessly, trying to subtly entangle himself from their embrace. "You should leave now."

"Sorry?" Obviously, she still had not realised something was wrong with him.

"You should leave," Sirius repeated firmly, trying to get a hold on his slurred speech. "_Now_."

"What - what do you mean?" she asked in a strangely high-pitched voice. Her body tensed and there was a look of terror on her face.

"We-we shouldn't have done this," Sirius tried to sound rational.

"Why? What...? _Why_?"

Leaving all pretence behind, Sirius shoved her out of his lap, got out of the bed and handed her her blouse. In doing so, he pointedly looked away as if thus he could spare her from the shame, which was completely hypocritical, of course. He had already seen enough.

"I'm sorry, Belinda," he said curtly. "You were right, I am drunk. Otherwise I would have never done this. It didn't mean anything, of course. Sorry." Dimly, he became aware that this was the second time this week that he had rejected someone when they had been about to have sex. Belinda, however, had a slightly different temper than Remus.

"_What_?!" she hissed. "That's it? It didn't mean anything? You just needed someone to release your sexual needs and I was available, right?! Just a nice little fuck! You know what - I'm _not_ a whore! _You_, Sirius Black, _you_ are the one who's a sick, little pervert!" Her voice had risen and Sirius was sure everyone else in the dormitory could hear her. Shaking with rage, Belinda produced her wand, and before Sirius had even time to react, she had shot a Stinging Hex at him. With a yelp of pain and surprise, Sirius toppled over and landed ungracefully on his bottom. Snorting angrily, Belinda grabbed her blouse, which had fallen on the floor when Sirius had been hexed, pulled it quickly on, and kicked him in the groin - with her stiletto. Groaning in agony, Sirius writhed on the floor. She gave him one last withering look.

"You're disgusting, and that's the last time I did anything for you! I don't care that you're from a good pureblood family anymore! I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than marry a git like you! I'm so _sick_ of all the people who are interested in me just because of my good looks! Merlin's pants, why's everyone just so _vain_?!" With that, she left the room in a swish of fury and bruised pride.

Still shuddering from the pain, Sirius dropped down on his bed in exhaustion. He felt like he deserved her temper tantrum and the brutal kick. But there was something else which bothered him even more. Something she had said. _I'm so __**sick**__ of all the people who are interested in me just because of my good looks! _It bothered him because a few months ago, he had said something quite similar to Remus. _We're much alike_, he thought uneasily. He did not like the thought. Firstly, because he felt pity for her because he could understand very well what she meant. It made him feel even worse about what he had done. Secondly, because he did not want to be like her. He had always thought himself above the other pureblood families.

Groaning, he rubbed his aching temples. He was convinced that his eyes burnt so much just because of the pain. He should not have drunk so much. There were several more things he should not have done. Nothing of the things he had tried today had helped - quite the contrary. _I guess I just have not drunk __**enough**__ yet_, he finally concluded.

Grabbing his cloak, he made his way out of the dormitory again, snuck out of the castle and wandered back to Hogsmeade. He spent several more hours in the Hog's Head. In fact, he did not remember how much time he spent there. He did not remember either how much more and what he had drunk. He did not remember either how he had got back into the castle.

He did remember, however, a shrill female voice which had woken him up. There was much too bright light, much too loud voices and much too much pain. Groaning, he pulled a blanket over his head, trying to block out the light and the noise. No such chance. He sensed a spell fired at him which, obviously, was meant to awaken his senses. It made things only worse. He fully felt the throbbing pain in his head now and he felt like -

"Urgh," he pronounced not so very coherently and retched. Out of thin air, a bowl appeared in his lap, he quickly sat up and used it to vomit into.

"Poppy!" the uncomfortably loud voice called.

Between his burps, Sirius quickly looked up to recognise the blurred outlines of Professor McGonagall.

"Oh _fuck_," he whined, and another stream of sour bile followed.

"Language, Black!" The rebuke felt like a hard hit with a troll's club onto his head.

Sirius winced, he felt new waves cramping his stomach, and quickly bent deeper over the bowl. Whimpering, he clung to it. Every movement hurt like hell and he fervently wished he would just pass out again. He heard someone approach and the steps were like little sharp needles in his head. _Click_, _click_, _click_... It reminded him oddly of something else... Stilettos, long legs, a blond ponytail...

"Oh _fuck_!"

"_Black_!"

Sirius winced again and decided to never use that word again - if only it meant he would be spared from McGonagall's loud voice and the pain it brought with it. He saw Madam Pomfrey coming to stand next to him. The resolute nurse patted him hard on the back.

"Well, there's not much I can do to help you. You'll just have to get it all out."

"I don't feel particularly sorry for him," McGonagall said sourly, wrinkling her nose at the smell of Sirius's vomit. "He deserves it, and I hope it really hurts so he learns a lesson from it."

She didn't need to worry - it _did_ hurt and Sirius did not feel in the slightest like drinking any alcohol again. Well, right now, he did not feel like drinking or eating _anything_. Finally, nothing came out of his stomach anymore. He still felt queasy, and he was not sure if it felt better or worse now that everything was out. Shuddering, he leant back in his cushions and tried to avoid looking at McGonagall. Madam Pomfrey emptied the bowl with a quick Cleaning Charm and then handed him four blue pills.

"Swallow this, it'll help against the headache," she instructed him.

Gratefully, Sirius took the pills and swallowed them greedily. He would do _anything_ if it stopped that hellish headache.

"Well, Mr. Black," Professor McGonagall said in her most dangerous voice. "I think there is an explanation due."

"I... I don't think there's an explanation," Sirius said timidly. "I simply... drunk too much, I guess."

"You drank too much?!" McGonagall exploded. "Is that your excuse?! Have you any idea what happened? Inhabitants of Hogsmeade found you lying out cold in the streets! You were unconscious! If they had not found you and had not contacted us quickly enough! Or if the wrong people had picked you up! You've had one most serious alcohol poisoning! You can be lucky you can still feel a headache!" Her nostrils flared and she looked like she would have liked to fire a curse at him that would intensify his headache.

Sirius shrank further back into his cushions. "Sorry," he mumbled embarrassedly.

She huffed indignantly. "As if you being sorry changes anything."

Sirius then decided to simply keep his mouth shut.

"One hundred points from Gryffindor. I'm deeply ashamed that someone of my House displays such behaviour. The following month, you will have detention every evening at six o'clock." She turned to Madam Pomfrey. "Will he be out of the Hospital Wing this evening?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Very well then, Black. Be at my office in time. And if something like this happens again, you can be assured that it is going to be your last day at this school."

Sirius only nodded. He did not dare protest and point out that he would miss Quidditch training. Quidditch... the mere idea of flying loops on a broom made his stomach turn around again. He hastily grabbed the bowl and buried his face in it. Between his retches, he could hear McGonagall leave the room. He was thoroughly relieved she did. When he had finished, he shakily leant back again.

"Bloody hell," he panted, "is it never going to stop? There's no way I could have drunk that much alcohol. It should have been out by now."

"Well, dear, it's not only because of the alcohol. Your stomach is irritated. You're going to retch for several more hours, I dare say," Madam Pomfrey said uncaringly.

Sirius gave a little whimper and lay slowly back down, careful not to move too much.

The rest of the day was pure torture. He shivered like he had a fever and no amount of blankets could make his cold go away. The throbbing in his head did not stop despite the many pills he swallowed.

By six o'clock, however, he had not vomited for four hours and Madam Pomfrey was positive he had been cured of his alcohol poisoning by now. On weak and shaking legs, he staggered to Professor McGonagall's office. She made him correct the essays on colour-changing of her first years. The topic was not very complicated but the little scribbled letters did nothing to lessen his headache. For the first time, Sirius felt sorry with the teachers for having to decipher the scrawling (and often rubbish) the students produced.

Three hours later, he was finally allowed to leave. He did nothing else this evening but sinking exhaustedly into bed.

That was the first week.

The next week was only slightly better. The other boys of his dormitory kept teasing him about what Belinda had done to him. Well, Alex and Chris did, anyway. Peter mostly just rolled his eyes at him and Remus... Well, let's say the distance between them had become broader than ever.

Sirius had finally found a new tactic to cope with things. He lunged himself into school work and Quidditch training like he had never done before. Fortunately, the Gryffindor Quidditch captain had allowed him to stay in the team although he would not be able to take part in training for one month. But Sirius had had to promise to train alone during his free time. And that he did.

Sometimes he stayed on his broom for hours, letting the harsh wind blow away all his troubles and broodings. Often he smashed his club against the Bludgers with all his strength to let off steam. Normally, he would have cursed Snivellus or some of his Slytherin gang to achieve that but he was too afraid of getting into trouble again. He knew McGonagall would take off the gloves and make good on her threat. The Gryffindor captain was more than happy with his progress. Once, he even asked Sirius if he trained so hard because he wanted to go to a Quidditch camp like James and become a professional Quidditch player. Sirius did not have an answer to it. Yes, he wanted to go to camp (or to whatever other place) with James. No, that was not the reason why he trained so hard.

He paid attention in class instead of thinking up new pranks. He did his homework meticulously. One day, even Professor McGonagall gave him not only the deathly glare she had reserved for him during the last week but an almost appreciative look, and asked him if he wanted to become an Animagus because he had just written a perfect and proper essay for the first time during his six and a half years at Hogwarts. The detention he spent correcting essays and tests of Professor McGonagall's younger students also helped him improve in Transfiguration, and suddenly he excelled in that subject.

The other teachers were happy with him too. Professor Slughorn advised him to become an apothecary (because he did extraordinarily well with his potion to cure warts) and Professor Burbage wanted him to become a researcher of electricity. Only Professor Ötzli was suspicious. He probably regarded Sirius's current behaviour as something like the quiet before the storm.

The weekend was the worst. He almost missed classes because he had nothing to do now. By Saturday morning, he had already finished all his homework for the whole following week. Peter was currently copying it, and there was no one else with whom Sirius wanted to spend time. He was not allowed to go to Hogsmeade and it was still several hours till his detention with McGonagall. After two hours spent with pacing up and down and wondering what to do, he decided to write a letter to James.

He sat in the cold Owlery for one hour, chewing on his quill. What should he write to James? How much could he tell him? Considering he had never told James about the nature of the relationship between him and Remus, it would be quite difficult to find the right words. And the memories that kept haunting him made everything even worse.

_To me, love means that you are absolutely sure of something. You just __**know**__ it's love and you never want to lose it again because you can't live without each other. Love means that you can be yourself in each other's company and that you love each other for that. It means you always support each other and you are there for each other, no matter what it means. You would do __**everything**__ for the person you love. And if you are angry or sad, a smile from the person you love can make it go away at once because just their company is enough to make you happy_.

Sirius angrily bit his trembling lip. Such hypocrisy... He could not believe it. He could not believe he had fallen for all the nice words Remus had said. _Sure, you can be yourself in each other's company, yeah, that's not really what you did, is it, werewolf-Lupin?_

Inhaling the unpleasant aroma of stinking owl droppings, Sirius could not help but remember their kiss in here in the Owlery. And all the other kisses they had shared... Sirius had been so _sure _of it, he had just _known_ that the kisses meant something - something special. How could it be that something Sirius had felt so strongly had only been an illusion in the end? _Isn't love about loving and being loved in return?_

Then suddenly, he wondered if that was what Belinda (and some other girls, too) felt like. Had Sirius's kisses been something special and meaningful to them? Had Sirius done the same to them like Remus had done to him? _Sweet Merlin, I'm really a big asshole. Maybe I should go into a monastery, stay celibate for the rest of my life and never kiss anyone again. Or I only kiss people who agree that kisses needn't mean anything but just should feel good. Yeah, you should leave love out of it. Love only complicates everything_.

Having reached that conclusion, Sirius finally started writing a letter to James.

_Hi James,_

_I hope you are well. I am not. Life's hell at the moment. You see, I thought I was in love with someone but that person betrayed me. That person kept things from me - very, very important things and I think you have to be honest with each other and you shouldn't pretend to be someone you are not if you're in love with someone. Anyway, it's over now and I'm glad it is. See, I always told you love's a concept for romantic idiots. By the way, do you still want to marry Evans? I was wondering how you can tell for sure you're in love with her. I thought I was sure of my love for that stupid, stupid person too but it turns out I was greatly wrong about it. What if you're wrong too? You know, James, I don't want to tell you that you're a romantic idiot and all. Okay, you are, but I guess I know now how it feels. I'm sorry she doesn't return your feelings. How do you cope with it? But I guess it's a bit different with you. I mean, you still want to be with her but I don't want to be with that idiotic person anymore but the betrayal still hurts. Well, one day I got piss drunk and McG. went ballistic, of course. Now I have detention for a month and I mustn't do anything marauderish because she threatened to throw me out of the school. Such a sweet woman... As you can probably tell by now, life's BORING right now. So boring that I write such long letters to you. You're probably laughing your head off over this rubbish I write, aren't you? If you do, curse you, James Potter, you unsympathetic jerk! Will you be home for the summer holidays? I know, it's still a long time until then but I haven't seen you in ages because you ALWAYS have your Quidditch events. If we don't meet again very soon, I will forget how outright idiotic, Quidditch-and-Evans-obsessed and Prank Master you are! _

_See you,_

_Sirius._

_PS: Don't feed Richard too much! He's on a diet. (As if that will ever work...)_

Sighing softly to himself, Sirius tied the letter to Richard II's legs and sent the owl off before he could panic and burn that ridiculous letter. Then he went down and went for a walk outside, all the while wondering nervously if James would indeed laugh his head off over the letter.

After eating lunch, he lay down in his bed and, ridiculously bored as he was, skimmed through his Muggle Studies textbook. He halted on the page with the motorbikes. Wistfully, he brushed his thumb over the pictures. Motorbikes to him meant freedom and independence. How he longed for such a wild ride now. He was sure it would be so very different from a ride on a broomstick. Much more comfortable, of course. Then there was the rumbling of the engine, and this gigantic motorbike would give you a feeling of steadiness - something a little broomstick could not give you.

At that moment, Remus came in. He paused for a moment as if he had not expected to meet Sirius here. Naturally, they completely ignored each other and did not exchange a word - as they had done for the last two weeks. Immediately, Sirius turned a page and pretended to be deeply immersed in his oh-so-exciting book. Out of the corners of his eyes, he watched Remus pick his outdoor cloak and then hurriedly leave the room.

Remus did not return this evening. He did not return during the next day either. By midday, Sirius started to worry although he hated the fact that that bloody werewolf could still make him feel that way. By afternoon, he could not hide his worry any longer and asked Peter what was wrong.

"Hey, Peter, have you seen Remus lately?"

"Oh, good you remind me. I almost forgot. He told me to give you this." Peter gave Sirius four Sickles.

"What am I supposed to do with it?"

"I reckon he still wants to pay you for the telescope."

Sirius stared angrily at the coins in his hand. "Where did he get the money from?" he asked because he knew Remus did not have much money.

"He helps several younger students with their homework for Defence Against the Dark Arts, and they pay him a little bit for it."

Sirius grimaced. _I'm going to kill him for that!_ "But do you know where he is now?"

"Well, I guess he's still in the Hospital Wing."

"Hospital Wing?" Sirius repeated nervously. "Why, is he ill?"

Peter raised his eyebrows. "It was a full moon last night," he said in a low voice so only Sirius could hear him. "So he's still in a bad shape."

"Oh," was all Sirius could think of to say. It had been the full moon yesterday. Sirius had completely forgotten about that. It had been the full moon and Remus had... transformed into a werewolf. So it was true. Remus Lupin really, _really_ was a werewolf. Hearing Peter say those words had made everything so much more real.

But what did it mean at all? What did being a werewolf mean? What power did the full moon have? Remus had been right about one thing: Sirius really did not know anything about werewolves. He decided that had to change now. Living in one dormitory with a werewolf certainly required a little more knowledge on the subject. Besides, if he wanted to become an Auror, it would definitely prove useful to know how to recognise and... fight against a werewolf, right?


	15. There is Always a Choice

**Author's Note:** 200 reviews... I can't believe it. If you continue reviewing like this, I'll have 300 reviews soon. How crazy! Thanks to everyone for your support, and a very big thank you to all those anonymous reviewers - I can't answer your reviews personally but I appreciate them just as much as any other review! And, as always, many thanks to Sentrosi for beta reading for me!!!

* * *

_Remus had been right about one thing: Sirius really did not know anything about werewolves. He decided that had to change now. Living in one dormitory with a werewolf certainly required a little more knowledge on the subject. Besides, if he wanted to become an Auror, it would definitely prove useful to know how to recognise and... fight against a werewolf, right?_

**Chapter 15**

**There is Always a Choice**

So Sirius set off to the library. He had not been here very often and, to be honest, he had no idea where to look for books on werewolves.

_Well, I guess it's in the Defence Against the Dark Arts section_, he mused. It took him some time to find said section but then he finally found himself in front of shelves and shelves of books on the Dark Arts. He felt thoroughly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of books. _Why would you need so many books? No one's ever going to read all of them. Why can't they simply choose the most important ones?_

In the end, he pulled a lexicon about Dark Creatures out of the shelves. He looked around to make sure no one was watching him (He certainly did not want people to think that he, Sirius Black, was interested in the Dark Arts. He did not want people to think that he enjoyed reading or working either). He decided to go into the corner where the books on Muggle Studies stood. Only very few students chose that subject (and Sirius had only done so to annoy his mother) and most of the students who did choose it, only did it because they did not have to work very hard for it. Judging by the thick layers of dust on the books, no one had used them for a very long time.

Feeling safe here, Sirius opened the book and turned to the last pages where the dark creatures with the initial 'W' were listed. There - _Werewolves_. Sirius's breathing sped up when he, both excited and afraid of what was to come, started reading the entry.

_Werewolves, like vampires, belong to the __part-humans. A werewolf is a man or woman who transforms into a wolf during the night of the full moon. That person in their wolf shape, however, is not an ordinary wolf. While natural wolves are rather shy, stay away from humans and are quite peaceful if they are not threatened, werewolves are vicious and aggressive monsters which hunt humans. They are the only creatures which actively seek human prey and are therefore often considered the darkest and most dangerous of all the dark creatures. _

_A human becomes a werewolf by being bitten by another werewolf. There is no cure for that curse: another reason why werewolves are so dangerous. Werewolves cannot be killed easily. They possess extreme strength and sometimes even the Killing Curse is not enough to finish off a werewolf. Several Killing Curses combined usually work but the safest way is still a silver bullet shot straight through the heart. Another chance is to kill the werewolf in its human form. Although the part-humans possess talents of dark magic, they are not as strong as the wolf (see Cathorn, W.: 'How to Fight a Werewolf'). These practices lead, however, to moral issues, such as the question how much humanity resides in a werewolf's human form (see Milibert, R.: 'Man or Wolf?'). Nowadays, many liberal politicians ask for providing werewolves the same legal status as humans. The werewolf crime rate speaks against such postulations. Furthermore, it is undeniable that, sooner or later, the wolf takes control over the werewolf in its human form too. Therefore, there are famous suggestions such as building werewolf reserves in which they can live among their kind and do not interfere with the human race. It could also decrease the spreading of the curse considerably._

Sirius slammed the book shut. He had read enough. He felt sick and hurriedly left the library as if it was a dark place where he would learn more horrible truths.

He could not get the things he had read out of his mind. Professor McGonagall chided him several times when he was sloppy in rewriting the House statistics of the last ten years as his detention.

"Mr. Black, although Resa Summington was almost as bad a troublemaker as you are - she certainly did _not_ lose 35555 points for charming the toilets to comment on people's excrements."

"Uh, yeah, sorry." If Sirius had not been in such an odd mood today, he would have silently congratulated that girl on such a brilliant idea, and he would have made a mental note to try something similar too. Now he just obediently went on with his work and rewrote the other misdeeds of Resa Summington.

Half an hour later, Professor McGonagall finally dismissed him. Slowly, Sirius stood up and walked towards the door. When he was halfway through, he stopped and undecidedly turned back.

"Yes, Mr. Black, what is it?" McGonagall asked impatiently.

"Can I ask you a question, Professor?"

She sighed dramatically. "Yes, you may ask me a question and, no, I will _not_ allow you to go to Hogsmeade next weekend."

"I wasn't going to ask that," Sirius muttered. "It's just... I've been wondering... for quite some time now... Do you know if there is any chance for a werewolf to, uh, avoid the wolf taking over his human side?"

She inhaled sharply and gave him a piercing glance. "Why are you asking?"

Pretending to be casual, Sirius shrugged. "It's just something I've been wondering about. I read... stuff."

"Did you?" Sirius noticed that she grabbed her quill a little harder than necessary. "Well, Mr. Black, I'm not sure I understand your question."

"My question is simply: If you've been bitten and are a werewolf then - can you stop becoming like the wolf?"

"Of course not!" she snapped at him as if he had just asked if Flobberworms could speak. "It's like a law of nature. If you were bitten by a werewolf, you cannot stop turning into a werewolf during the full moon any more than you can stop the sun from rising because you don't want it to rise."

"I didn't mean that," Sirius said, slightly annoyed. He was sure McGonagall just pretended not to understand him. "You see, if someone is a werewolf, the wolf usually, sooner or later, takes control over the werewolf in its human form too, right? It's like... becoming less and less human and more and more the monster, you know?"

"Whoever told you such rubbish?" she said sharply.

"I read it," Sirius said defiantly, feeling slightly offended by her treating him like an ignorant child. "In a book."

"Certainly you are old enough to know that books do not always tell the truth," McGonagall said rather coldly, and there was a clear warning in her voice.

"Yeah, well, in what else can I believe?" he defended himself. "I'm not an expert on werewolves and I thought I could rely on the books in the school library."

Her piercing glance did not recede for a single moment. "You should be aware that many things told or written about werewolves are slightly incorrect, even in otherwise high quality books by respectable authors. Besides, it is always good to have different opinions on a certain topic. Otherwise, it would be like censorship, wouldn't it? We must allow our students to form their own opinions on things."

"Even if it's wrong?" Sirius challenged her.

"Usually, if people are convinced of something, nothing will change their opinion, no matter how many books write something else. They only read into it what they want to find in it."

"That's a bit prejudiced of you, isn't it? Claiming that people can never change their mind?"

"I don't think I'm the one who is prejudiced here," McGonagall said in a steely voice.

"Bloody hell, I read it in a book!" Sirius said angrily. "It doesn't mean I'm prejudiced just because I read something in a book and ask you about it now! That's why I'm asking, right? Because I want to find out the truth!"

"Language, Black," McGonagall rebuked him.

"Sorry," Sirius mumbled, still really angry at her.

"Alright, your question," she said grudgingly. Her nostrils were flaring again, which meant that she was thoroughly agitated. "I don't know where you read it but I might suggest you read something else too. I recommend _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_ by Newt Scamander. It's short but the most appropriate description that exists."

"Okay, I'm going to read it, maybe. But what is your opinion? Do you think there is a chance to resist the wolf?"

She eyed him sharply through her square glasses. "Very well then, if you want to hear my opinion... I believe that evil can never be imposed on someone. No one is born evil. No one can be forced to become evil. Certainly you know that it is even possible to defy the Imperius Curse. I believe that there is always a choice."

_No one is born evil..._ Sirius nodded slowly. "Yes, I agree. But... I guess sometimes it's harder to resist, isn't it? For certain people it's harder, right?"

"I should think so. The circumstances influence us greatly, of course."

"So... you mean to say that even werewolves can, hypothetically, defy their, ah, instincts?"

"Yes, just like everyone else."

Sirius did not agree with that last statement but he did not want to argue, so he simply said, "I see. Thanks for the answer. Goodnight, Professor."

"Goodnight, Mr. Black. And let me warn you: If you tell anyone about it, I will transform you into a slug for the rest of your life."

"Yes, Professor," Sirius said, wondering how much McGonagall knew. It would have been easier to talk to her about it if he could be sure that she knew about Remus's secret too but it was too risky to just come out with the truth as long as he was not one hundred percent sure she knew.

Consequently, he had to be careful and inconspicuous. He could only ask her one question a week, everything else would have been highly suspicious. He asked his questions as regularly as he found the four Sickles on his bedsider locker. To Sirius's dismay, Remus kept tutoring younger students to earn the money to repay him.

"Professor, I've got a question: What is the difference between a werewolf and an Animagus?"

"Why are you interested, Mr. Black?"

"Well, Animagi interest me pretty much. I think it's fascinating to be able to turn into an animal. But someone who's a werewolf turns into an animal too, so I was wondering if maybe it was not really something fascinating but rather something...uh..." Just in time, he remembered that she was an Animagus too, so he refrained from using the word 'disgusting'. "...odd."

"The ability to turn into an animal is indeed unusual. The main difference between an Animagus and a werewolf is that the Animagus turns into an animal by choice while werewolves don't have a choice. They only turn into a wolf during the full moon - and they cannot avoid it. Animagi, however, can choose the time when they want to transform. Furthermore, to become an Animagus, you need much knowledge and it requires much skill whereas even muggles who don't have any magical abilities can become a werewolf."

The next week, Sirius had a new question for Professor McGonagall again.

"Professor, why doesn't the Ministry keep a closer watch on werewolves?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"Well, I read that article in the Daily Prophet yesterday about two werewolves killing a little kid. If they had been... I dunno, somewhere where the Ministry could control them, then it would never have happened."

"So what should the Ministry do in your opinion?"

"Hm... Maybe they could set up reserves in which all the werewolves in the country could live together? They could stay among their kind and would not endanger civilians."

"_Mr. Black!_ Don't you even realise how inhuman that is? I can't believe you're suggesting something like that! Would you want to be cooped up in a reserve like exotic animals in a zoo?"

"I'm not a werewolf."

"Yes, you're not, but you could easily become one. Just one bite is enough."

"Exactly. I could be bitten by a werewolf on the loose. Then it would be the fault of all those people who are against such werewolf reserves. It's people like you who are responsible for all the innocents who are attacked, bitten or killed by werewolves. I reckon you would even say it's okay if there were werewolves at this school, right?"

"Yes, that would be okay! They are _humans_, Black, humans just like you and me. Don't you see that _they_ are the victims? That all the werewolves were once innocents too? Don't you think they deserve a chance to live like any other human? Listen, Mr. Black, I don't want to hear any more of such discriminating talk of yours, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Professor."

That was his last chance to ask her a question because then the month with his detention had passed. Now he had to find things out by himself.

After several days in which new werewolf related questions had kept bothering him, he had to admit that there was no other choice but going to the library again. This time, he found more quickly what he was looking for. Equipped with three books (_How to Fight a Werewolf_, _Man or Wolf?_ and _Beware of the Full Moon_), he made for the corner with the Muggle Studies books again. Suddenly, he almost ran into someone else who just appeared behind a shelf and carried one thick book.

It was Remus. Both of them almost jumped back upon seeing the other one so unexpectedly. Sirius hastily hid the books behind his back but he was too nervous and one of the books dropped down. It landed on the floor with a loud _thud_, displaying the cover with the picture of a werewolf baring its dirty teeth, saliva running out of its mouth and its yellow eyes gleaming maniacally. The big red letters reading _How to Fight a Werewolf_ were highly visible. Sirius stayed rooted to the spot, unable to move or say anything.

"I think you've lost something," Remus said in a steely voice, summoned the book in his hand and held it towards Sirius. It was the first thing he had said to Sirius after more than a month.

Sirius tore his gaze from the book in Remus's hand and uneasily looked at the other boy. Remus's face looked ashen and you could almost see the exertion of hiding his emotions.

"Thanks," Sirius mumbled and seized the book. He still kept the others hidden behind his back. "I... Well, you see, I, uh, accidentally slept on my essay on Healing Plants, and, uh, it got all crumpled. So I needed thick books to straighten it again, you know?" It was the first time he spoke directly to Remus after more than a month too.

"I see," Remus said still in the same steely voice and forced a thin smile. Then, fortunately, he quickly moved on and disappeared between shelves of books.

Sirius let go the breath he had been holding and quickly moved on in the opposite direction. He cursed himself for his lack of foresight. He should have known he would meet Remus here. After all, Remus had spent an unusual amount of time in the library during the last weeks. Hastily, he put his three books into the nearest shelf, not caring that Madam Pince would hit the roof once she noticed that someone had confused her neatly arranged books. Then Sirius left the library in a rush as if it harboured a dark monster. Which was true, in a certain way.

It looked like he had no other choice but going to the library when Remus was away because of the full moon. He planned his 'library assault' days in advance. He asked Peter when Remus would disappear and if he would always stay in the Hospital Wing afterwards. Peter explained to him that Remus would always leave two hours before sunset to be absolutely sure that nothing happened, and that Remus would usually stay one or two days in the Hospital Wing.

So, four days later, Sirius grabbed his emptied school back and two plastic bags and went to the library one and a half hour before sunset. He found the three books which he had placed at the wrong shelf, and continued looking for other books on werewolves. He found fourteen more books. The pile of books on his little table in the corner looked slightly intimidating. Then he added the book McGonagall had recommended him (_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them)_. Sirius sat down and stared warily at the huge pile of books.

_Where to start?_ At long last, he seized a new and reliable looking book called _Victim, Villain or Someone like You and Me? A Research on Werewolves in Modern Society. _

The author was a well-known magisociologist and her research was based on numerous statistics, surveys, observations and interviews. Sirius felt positive that he could trust in this book. Confidently, he began reading the first chapter: _The Average Werewolf._

_Werewolves: Who are they? Often we do not notice them, which is understandable as werewolves look almost like humans but for one day of the month. Sometimes we have known someone for years but suddenly find out we did not know them at all - because they are a werewolf. _

Sirius snorted derisively. _Too true... You need an example to prove your point? I could provide you with one._

_0.93 Percent of the wizarding population are werewolves. We must, however, suspect that this figure is indeed much higher as the werewolves who live illegally among muggles are not listed in this statistic. Furthermore, several werewolves are not registered in the Werewolf Registry - something which has been made a punishable offense since 1954 with up to seven years in Azkaban. _

Sirius frowned. Seven years in Azkaban - that seemed pretty hard for something as banal as not being enlisted on some list... _I wonder if Remus is registered? Yes, I think he mentioned the Registry once._

_In town, the werewolf population __accounts for only 0.12 percent. Most werewolves choose to live quite secluded lives - for rather practical reasons (being able to transform freely) or because they want to hide from the Ministry because they are not registered or have committed crimes and want to escape their punishment. _

_The crime rate of werewolves is unusually high. Over 80 percent have already been in trouble with the Ministry, more than half of them have already served a sentence in Azkaban and approximately every fifth werewolf has already murdered someone. _

Sirius gasped. Every fifth werewolf was a murderer... He could not believe it. So how could Professor McGonagall say werewolves were victims? How could she claim werewolves were humans just like everyone else? Anxiously, he read on.

_This rate has dramatically increased during the last decade._

Sirius swallowed very hard. What if Remus had already killed someone? What if Sirius had kissed a _murderer_? No, he did not even want to think about it. Remus murdering someone? No, it seemed much too far-fetched.

_Reasons for that are that many werewolves have chosen to follow He Who Must Not Be Named. More werewolves are recruited by the Death Eaters continuously, and it seems many __tasted blood, literally. He Who Must Not Be Named gives them the opportunity to give in to their wild nature, to follow their instincts and their lust for human blood. _

_64 percent of the werewolf population are male. Many of the females who were bitten as a child did not survive their first transformation. Also, they often lose in fights of dominance among the werewolf packs and are killed by their male opponents. _

_The lifespan of werewolves is shorter than of humans. _

Suddenly, Sirius felt a little pang in his heart. _I don't want him to die early_, he thought.

_They die about fifteen years earlier than humans. Reasons for that is their high mortality rate. Especially small children die during their transformation, others die in werewolf fights,__ still more are killed by Aurors. Also, one must not forget that the strain of transforming once a month drains them of strength. _

Sirius felt anger rising in him. Small children died during their transformation. Small, innocent children who would have been able to lead a normal life if they had not been bitten by an evil werewolf! That was why werewolves should be kept in reserves. Not as a punishment but as a means to protect the innocents. Why didn't people see it?! Furiously, Sirius slammed the book shut and pulled _How to Fight a Werewolf_ out from under the other books. He was more in the mood for this one now.

_Chapter One: Basic Self-protection_

_There are a few simple rules to make sure you are not in danger of being bitten or killed by a werewolf:_

_1. Always check when the next full moon is due._

_2. Do not go out alone late at night. NEVER go out during the night of the full moon._

_3. Keep a watch on people who seem suspicious to you (see Chapter Two: How to Recognise a Werewolf) and inform the Ministry. _

_4. Learn protective charms and, more importantly:_

_Learn how to fight a werewolf!_

_That is the purpose of this book. It will depict all the curses –_

Sirius skipped the rest of the page and turned to the second chapter: _How to Recognise a Werewolf_. He grimaced. He wished he had read this earlier. But better late than never. It was certainly important to be able to recognise a werewolf when you met one. After all, you could never know if there were not more werewolves at this school. Sirius rather wanted to know than be oblivious.

_Recognising a werewolf in its human form is not easy because werewolves are very cunning and many have mustered an attitude and appearance like any normal person. There are, however, a few details not even the __most insidious werewolf can hide. Pay close attention to the following points whenever you meet someone._

_1. Curious and regular absences with suspicious excuses. Always keep an eye on the moon chart and check at which time of the month said person leaves. To make absolutely sure, contact them on the night of the full moon (not in person, of course!!!) or invite them out that evening. If they decline, you can be almost sure that you are dealing with a werewolf. _

_2. Appearance. You should be suspicious immediately if they have many scars. The wound of the werewolf bite will never heal and cannot be concealed by any spell either. Therefore it can be recognised quite clearly: The skin is scurfy and slightly ulcerated. If the wound is still very fresh, it is likely to have a greenish tinge. You should be wary if they are unusually shy about showing naked skin (Do they wear their cloaks even in summer? Do they stay away from swimming?)._

_Do they refuse to have sex?_ Sirius mentally added to the list, almost growling in his anger. It was so obvious now! Then again, he was more than relieved that Remus had stopped them from having sex. The mere thought of doing it with a werewolf... Sirius felt almost sick.

_3. Behaviour. Werewolves often display aggressive tendencies. They get easily angry and pick up a fight. They want to have the dominant part in a relationship. Watch them closely: Do they growl when they get furious? Do they sometimes unconsciously bare their teeth?_

_Hmm, can't really agree with that point_, Sirius mused and thoughtfully tipped his chin. _But maybe not every point of this list applies to every werewolf. Otherwise it would be too easy to identify all of them, right?_

_4. Werewolf Strength__. If you get into a fight with a werewolf (and this is something you should avoid at all costs! See Chapter Seven: Fighting a Werewolf in its Human Form) you will soon notice that they possess unusual strength and can easily overpower you. You should get suspicious if someone who doesn't look particularly muscular is able to lift heavy loads with an ease no human could ever achieve doing it. _

So far, Sirius had not noticed any particular strength Remus possessed. But maybe Remus was simply very good at hiding it. He made a mental note to pay attention to that point in the future.

_5. Magical Abilities. Werewolves have only very rough magical abilities. Most of them lack the necessary __sensitivity to perform complex spells. In a fight, they prefer hand-to-hand combat to a duel with wands. They rely on their physical strength. _

Sirius nodded to himself. Yes, Remus knew a lot about magic but he was not really good at actually performing magic. But then again...he had learned even complex spells like the Disillusionment Charm pretty quickly. Maybe most werewolves were just too arrogant to learn spells because they trusted more in their physical strength and did not see the need to employ magic.

_6. Silver. Werewolves are allergic to silver. Be suspicious of people who never wear silver __jewellery, who do not use silver cutlery and who never pay in Sickles. If werewolves touch silver, they get severe burnings. To be always safe if you invite someone to dinner, use silver cutlery and watch them closely: The silver burns hurt so much that the werewolves will at least flinch if not cry out in pain. _

_7. Fingernails. Usually, werewolves have very dirty fingernails. During the full moon, they scratch with their fingernails/claws at everything which is in their way. Be particularly wary if you can detect traces of blood._

_8. Werewolf friendly attitude. Try to subtly engage people in a discussion on werewolves. If they show a pro-werewolf attitude, you can be almost sure that they are a werewolf themselves or that they illegally hide a werewolf or have dealings with werewolves. _

Sirius's breath caught in his throat. McGonagall - she had displayed a more than friendly attitude towards werewolves. Oh Merlin, what if she was - ?! No, no, it could not be. Werewolves only had very rough magical abilities, and Sirius did not know a more competent witch than Professor McGonagall. But all the same, why was she so pro-werewolf? And then an even more terrible thought struck Sirius: Peter. He was not really good at doing complex magic. He was unusually friendly towards werewolves. There was no reason for him to act that way - normally Peter should have been afraid of werewolves as he was not as brave as some other Gryffindors. Sirius's fingers clenched around the table top. He would not be able to endure it if his other friend was a werewolf too. That would be the ultimate betrayal.

Purposefully, he stood up and left the library. Better find out now. It was already dark and if Peter or McGonagall were indeed werewolves, they should have disappeared by now.

Out of his breath from running from the library to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius burst into the common room.

"Peter-"he panted, "Peter!"

People gave him odd glances. But finally, Peter appeared on the spiral staircase which led upstairs to their dormitory. He looked at Sirius in alarm.

"Sirius - what's wrong?" he asked urgently.

Sirius laughed in relief. It felt like someone had taken a heavy burden from his shoulder. Peter was not a werewolf! Peter was his true friend, had always been!

"Er, hi Peter..." Another bubble of laughter left Sirius's chest. "Uh, can I have a private word?"

"Yeah, sure," Peter said, slightly confused, and followed Sirius out of the common room. "Well, what was it you wanted to talk about to me?"

"Er..."Sirius scratched his ear and tried to think up something which justified his crazy behaviour. "Er... Have you ever heard of Werewolf Strength?"

"Uh, no, I don't think so. Why?"

"I read something about it. You know, werewolves possess special strength even in their human form. I, uh, wanted to test if it was true."

"And how do you want to test it?" Peter asked warily.

"Well, I thought we could give Remus something heavy to carry?" Sirius grinned sheepishly. It was not the most ingenious idea but it was the best he could come up with so quickly.

"I don't know," Peter said doubtfully. "I mean, how're we gonna do it? We can't just say, '_Remus, would you lift up this stone please?_' Doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"We have to do it more subtly, of course," Sirius said, annoyed at Peter's dumb behaviour.

"Okay... How?"

"Well... We could take something heavy and put it into his school bag and if he can lift it without a problem, we have the proof."

"Proof of what?"

"That he has Werewolf Strength, of course!"

"I thought every werewolf had it?"

Sirius groaned in annoyance. Sometimes Peter really was no fun at all. "I just want to see it, okay?" he snapped.

Peter shrugged. "Okay..."

That being sorted out, Sirius went straight to Professor McGonagall's office, knocked hard on her door and opened it before she had even answered. He must not give her the time to hide whatever there was worthy of hiding.

"Mr. Black." McGonagall, thankfully in her normal human form, examined him critically but she also seemed somewhat worried. "Is there something wrong?"

No, nothing was wrong, Sirius concluded in relief. Now he just had to find a good excuse for bursting into her office like that.

"I've got a question, Professor," he said politely.

"Well?"

"Is it true that werewolves lack magical skills and that they aren't very good at complex spells?"

"Yes, obviously. Certainly you know that only very few werewolves are granted the privilege of an education at a wizarding school."

Sirius was slightly disappointed by that answer. He had hoped there was a less prosaic reason for it. He had hoped their lack of magical abilities had something to do with werewolf genes.

"Did you know that every fifth werewolf has already committed murder?" Sirius asked pointedly. If she still insisted werewolves were good humans, he could be practically sure that there was something fishy about her. Maybe she had a werewolf lover. Urgh... Sirius registered with even more disgust that he was not much better. _But I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I stopped it immediately after I found out._

"You read Rosa Longbottom, didn't you?" McGonagall said somewhat sourly.

"Yeah," Sirius said defiantly, "so what? She's a very good magisociologist."

"Yes, no doubt she is, but unfortunately she's not very good at arithmetic. The actual statistic should be: You can extrapolate twenty murders to a hundred werewolves. You can actually check her statistics at the last pages of her book if you don't believe me Well, it _could _be that every fifth werewolf has already committed murder. It could also be, however, that there were two werewolves who committed ten murders each. Then you can only say that every fiftieth werewolf is a murderer." She snorted derisively. "But of course that statistic doesn't sound quite as impressive as the other one, does it?"

"Why are you so defensive of werewolves?" Sirius asked straightforward.

"I think the question should be: Why do you regard werewolves as inferior beings?"

Sirius pressed his lips together. He could think of dozens of responses. _Because they're disloyal. Because they're traitorous. Because it's in their nature to kill._ But he did not say any of it. He knew McGonagall would accuse him of being prejudiced again.

"Well, I can only once again recommend you to read the werewolf chapter in _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_," McGonagall chastised him.

Ill tempered, he plodded back towards the library. Of course he checked the statistic in Rosa Longbottom's book. He hated to find out that McGonagall was indeed right. Which did not mean that she was right in saying only every fiftieth werewolf was a murderer. Whoever said there were werewolves which had committed already ten murders? There could just as well be a few 'beginners' which had only killed two people each so far. And at once McGonagall's statistic would be wrong.

Nonetheless, he finally opened _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_. Then he would at least be able to tell McGonagall he had read it next time she accused him of being intolerant.

It was only a very short entry. The author claimed that werewolves were just like any other human being but for one night of the month. He also confirmed what Sirius had read before: Werewolves actively sought human prey. They were the only fantastic creatures which did that. Furthermore, the author recommended a book written by a werewolf about his struggles with lycanthropy. Sirius hesitated. So far, he had only read books on werewolves written by humans. It would be interesting to see how a werewolf spoke of himself. He checked the shelves in the library but he could not find it.

_It's probably too brutal to be in a school library_, he mused.

It was already getting late and Madam Pince would soon close the library. So Sirius grabbed a pile of his books and heaved them on the librarian's desk.

"I want to borrow these," he said somewhat awkwardly. He wondered what it would look like to her to see that he was so unusually interested in werewolves.

"Oh, that are quite a lot," Madam Pince commented. "Are you working on a project for Defence Against the Dark Arts?"

"Yes," Sirius said quickly, grateful for the idea. "I'm in the NEWT class."

"I see. Well, good luck then," she said unusually amicably and checked every book.

"That's not all," Sirius said. "I still have some more..." He hurried back towards his table in the corner and carried the second stack of books on Madam Pince's desk.

"Oh dear, you're a really studious one, aren't you?" Madam Pince complimented him.

"It's a really important project," Sirius said truthfully, blushing a little bit. No one had ever told him that he was studious. She must have completely forgotten who he was. That was not such a big surprise because normally Sirius avoided the library like the Dragon Pox. In first year, he and James had once played a prank which had made the pages of several old books turn into screaming confetti. Let's say Madam Pince had not been amused. She had given them a library ban for the rest of their first year, and since then they had only seldom gone there again - and if they did, it was at night and under the Invisibility Cloak to check on certain hexes which they could use on the Slytherins.

"I'm still looking for another book," Sirius said politely. Now that he was on good terms with the librarian, he could really use her help. "It's called _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ and Newt Scamander mentions it in his book. I searched twice through the whole Dark Arts section but I couldn't find it. Do you have that book?"

"Yes, we have it. But it's not in the Dark Arts section," she explained, obviously pleased that a student showed so much interest in her library. "You see, it's an autobiography but the person who wrote it is not a famous wizard or anything, so it's not a textbook. It's more like a novel, so it should be in the fiction section. Come on, I'm going to show you."

_I never thought this woman could be nice_, Sirius thought when he followed Madam Pince through the many shelves, which were more like a labyrinth to him. _Maybe McGonagall is right and I __**am**__ a bit prejudiced sometimes._ So he behaved at his best, politely thanked the librarian when she handed him the book, smiled at her and wished her a good evening. Of course he knew how to behave well, even though many teachers would certainly claim the opposite. His parents had trained him into a sweet little well-behaved puppet which could be presented at family gatherings. Since he had attended Hogwarts, however, he had more and more become an explosive which would disturb the "idyllic" family gatherings, and was therefore more and more often left at home - for which Sirius was extremely grateful.


	16. He Is Lucky To Have Friends Like You

**Chapter 16**

**He Is Lucky To Have Friends Like You**

Sirius was at the point of breaking down when he arrived in his dormitory. Heavily loaded with his full school bag and two plastic bags bursting with books, he stumbled towards his bed. Before any of his dorm mates could have a closer look on what he was carrying, he quickly discarded the books under his bed.

He changed into his pyjamas, pulled the curtains around his bed tightly close, put two bottles of butterbeer and one box of licorice wands on his bedside locker... where, again, four Sickles lay waiting for him. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he threw the Sickles into the drawer. It was going to take Remus an awful lot of time until he would have paid Sirius all the money back. Sirius wished he would not do it. Things would be so much easier if Remus was in his debt. Now, however, Sirius felt like he was somehow guilty, like he had robbed Remus of the money. Because Remus had to pay the money back for something which was broken anyway. Because Sirius knew his former friend did not have much money and thirty Galleons was quite a lot to him. _Stubborn werewolf..._

Sirius fished out the book _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ from under his bed, shoved one licorice wand in his mouth and examined the book cover in the light of his wand. It showed a rolling landscape bathed in the light of a big full moon. A lonely man, who was looking up at the moon, was standing with the back to the observer.

Sirius opened the book and began reading the preface.

_This is a story of a man inside a monster. Or a monster inside a man. Or maybe it is a story of a man and a monster. _

_It is a story of love and pain. The two are eternally linked together. It is a story of trust and betrayal. None of it can happen without the other. It is a story of not giving up hope in a hopeless struggle. It is a story of deepest wishes and deepest fears come true. _

_It is my story. _

_But at the same time it is your story too. It could happen to everyone. Here and now. And maybe it has already happened to you. Does your life not contain love and pain, trust and betrayal, hope and struggles, wishes and fears? _

_It is the story of a small and unimportant man. But it could happen everywhere. And it starts now._

Sirius pulled a face. _We're feeling a bit melodramatic, aren't we?_ he thought with a little sneer. He closed the book again and put it back under the bed. Instead, he chose to continue with _How to Fight a Werewolf._ He turned to chapter seven: _Fighting a Werewolf in its Human Form. _That was what he needed to know. He did not intend to meet Remus in his werewolf form but he should know how to defend himself if Remus's instincts ever got the better of him.

Sirius painstakingly took notes. It was not as exciting as he had imagined. The author mostly suggested using the same curses you would use against any human - he just emphasised again and again how much stronger werewolves were, and that therefore you needed to act quickly and your curses had to be precise. Furthermore, he advised to distract the werewolf with silver. All the curses were explained in great detail but Sirius already knew most of them. If it came to a duel with their wands, Sirius was much better than Remus anyway.

But that spell that conjured up a sort of silver dust particles - that one could be useful. Sirius reached for his wand and began practising the spell. The wand movements were pretty easy and soon his wand emitted little clouds of silver mist. He could not be entirely sure yet if it was real silver or if it just looked like silver. There was no way to test it... Well, of course he could test it on Remus but that seemed an unnecessary provocation.

Sirius continued reading the book. Finally, he arrived at a paragraph which suggested using the Unforgivable Curses on werewolves in their human form. Sirius inhaled sharply. Did that author really think it was legal to use the curses as long as you only used them on werewolves? No, it could not be right. It was never right to use the Unforgivable Curses. Never. It was not even okay to practise them. It was not even right to use them against werewolves or Death Eaters either. It was simply never right. Just practising the curses would be immersing oneself in the Dark Arts. Using them would mean becoming like those dark wizards or creatures you fought against.

Okay, maybe this book was one of those McGonagall had mentioned - those you could not rely on. Sirius decided to bring this book back to the library as soon as possible. And maybe even have a word with Madam Pince about the kind of books she had in her library.

Legalising the Unforgivable Curses against werewolves... Really, that guy sounded almost like his crazy great aunt who had fought for the legalisation of muggle-hunting.

Exhausted from so much information, Sirius lay back on his bed, took the letter James had written him recently out of the bedside locker's drawer and reread it.

_Hello, my lovesick best friend!_

_First of all, I tried not to feed Richard too much but he somehow managed to get into the food stocks of the school owls. I'm in trouble now - thank you for that, Sirius Black and that stupid owl of yours! _

_I'm sorry things didn't turn out well with that stupid girl. Forget her, she's not worth it. What exactly happened? But if you don't want to talk about it, it's okay. By the way, why didn't you tell me earlier you were in love with someone? And you told us all the time you would never again make the mistake of falling in love... I'm really sorry things went bad again. I can't believe it's always you who has such bad luck. I mean, how do you manage to always choose the wrong girls from your many admirers? All the advice I can give is: Take revenge! If she's a girly girl, you could try to ruin her make up so it gives her spots all over the face. Or you hex her and make her feet grow, or you break her high heels. Anyway, I'm sure you can think of something nice. But then again, you mustn't get into trouble. Okay, forget my advice. Don't get into trouble! You mustn't give them a reason to throw you out of school!!! Horrible situation. If it's anything like after the Emily-disaster, then I'm truly sorry for Peter, Remus, Chris and Alex. Don't forget: They only want to help you. Don't take it out on them. _

_I will be home for the summer holidays and of course you can come to us and stay for some time! But my holidays start later and are shorter than the Hogwarts holidays. And during the first week, I'll be taking part in a broomstick workshop (they teach you how to build your own broom there), so I won't be home before August. I could ask my parents if you could already come earlier, I'm sure they'll be okay with it._

_See you then!_

_James._

_P.S.: I am NOT in love with Evans. And it's really getting on my nerves that you start it again and again, just because I said ONCE that I liked her better than Emily and that I think she's okay-looking. And being nicer than Emily is not really hard, is it? I hope that message got into your fat head. _

Smiling a little, Sirius put the letter back into the drawer. James really was a great friend. He had hardly made fun of Sirius for his lovesick behaviour and had even tried to give helpful advice, which was, of course, totally unhelpful. But it was the thought that counted. James had wanted to help and was being sympathetic, and that was the most important thing.

Sirius had always known it. Love only brought trouble with it. Friendship was much stronger than love. Because friendship meant loyalty, lastingness and honesty whereas love was just a momentary feeling of craziness. Love was an illness which made you do stupid things you would definitely regret later.

Thoughtfully, Sirius waved his wand over his head and conjured up clouds of silver dust. It looked nice to gaze into the glittering mass of tiny, floating particles. Maybe being in love was a bit like being under the Imperius Curse. It made you do things you could not control. It seemed like a nice solution to give in to that fuzzy feeling in your head. And then you were completely at the mercy of another person.

Finally, he fell asleep. He dreamed he was in front of a court of wizards who threatened to kill him with the Avada Kedavra Curse because he had kissed a werewolf. McGonagall was in the front row and she kept telling everyone she had known he was evil all along because he came from the Black family and was so prejudiced. Then he dreamed he was playing Quidditch with James, and suddenly Remus was in front of him on a broomstick. He smiled widely at Sirius, a smile which bared his long and yellow and sharp teeth. Then he said, _I'm sorry, Sirius, but that broom can't really fly._ Sirius looked down and suddenly his broom did not support him anymore but dropped down, and Sirius was falling, falling, falling, faster and faster, and the dark ground did not come nearer, he was falling and falling -

He awoke with a jerk. His heart was beating quickly and his pyjamas were wet with sweat. Everything was dark around him and he could not avoid the image of the fall. He was falling into darkness, never knowing when the collision would come. He shook his head as if to clear it from his dream images.

Quietly, he crawled out of his bed and padded towards the window. He knew how to open it without causing it to creak. Finally, he leant over the window sill and deeply inhaled the fresh night air. He shuddered slightly from the sudden temperature change. He had just been sweaty in his blanket and now he was exposed to the cool air. But at least it cleared his dizzy head. Almost automatically his gaze drifted to the full moon, which hung big and still over the lake. The water's surface reflected the silver shine. It was a scene of such beauty that Sirius simply could not believe how there could be werewolves running around wildly all over the country now, hunting and killing and destroying this beauty.

-------

The next day when Remus was still in the Hospital Wing, Sirius prepared his plan to test Remus's Werewolf Strength. He went down to Hagrid's Hut when Hagrid was on a routine walk in the forest. Behind the hut was a pile of old pumpkins from last autumn. He used the _Reducio_ Charm on the huge pumpkins until they were only the size of a marble. Then he carried them, one by one, up into their dormitory and put them into Remus's school bag until it was filled with twenty mini-pumpkins.

The rest of the day, Sirius spent reading. At first he skimmed through a book which told about myths how the first werewolf came to be (you could only become a werewolf by being bitten by one - so there had to have been a first werewolf once who had turned into a monster for another reason) and gave a very detailed description of werewolf history. It was not really helping much.

Then he fought his way through a very old book with miniature writing and complicated language. It described many - let's say: _unconventional_ - ways on how to cure a werewolf. At first, Sirius had been pretty excited about it. If there was a cure for Remus, then maybe he could become a normal person and they could...

But he had already read in other books that there was no cure for lycanthropy. At the beginning, Sirius had thought he had maybe discovered old and forgotten healing methods but he soon suspected that this book was merely kept in the library for its historic value. The methods described in the book were often ridiculous (a kiss of a virgin during the full moon), disgusting (potions mixed with blood of a virgin and the heart of the werewolf's last victim) or outright criminal (climbing through seven rings built of human flesh during the full moon).

But Sirius did not give up so quickly. Somehow, he felt he had to read it through. Maybe, on the last page, there was the solution. Of course, it was not. It just described another absurd cure: A virgin (of course) who was unconditionally in love with the werewolf must run a silver stake through his heart during new moon.

Frustrated by the ridiculously silly book, Sirius decided to stop reading for today. He went outside to fly a bit, finished his Astronomy homework and went to bed early. This night, he dreamed of the full moon, naked beautiful girls and _lots_ of blood. Then he saw himself and Remus, both standing ankle deep in dark blood. They kissed and it was a wonderful sweet and gentle kiss but suddenly Remus broke away from him. He smiled that smile that showed his long and yellow and sharp werewolf-teeth. _I'm sorry, Sirius_, he said. _But you're not a virgin. You betrayed me, and now I will stay a monster forever. _His smiled turned into a sneer, he growled deeply and leant forward again but this time he did not intend to kiss Sirius. His eyes flared yellow and he bared his teeth - teeth which were already much too close to Sirius's neck. He could smell the rotten breath of the werewolf. Remus grabbed him harshly and his fingers - claws - dug deep into the flesh of Sirius's upper arms. He tried to break away but Remus held him brutally with his Werewolf Strength. Sirius could not remember ever being so afraid. _Let go of me_, he pleaded desperately. _Please, I didn't know, I only wanted to help. I didn't know it would only work if I was a virgin. _Remus laughed and it sounded more like a deep, hungry growl. _You will pay_, he said darkly. _You will pay for everything you did to me._ And then his teeth sank deep into Sirius's throat.

_NOOOOO!!!_

Sirius jerked awake. He was shaking all over. His hand darted towards his throat to check if there was maybe warm blood trickling down.

"Sirius?" the curtains of his bed opened and there stood none other than Remus.

Sirius yelped in shock and hastily scrambled into a sitting position. "Go away," he panted, "go - go away!" He reached for his wand and pointed it at Remus.

Remus quickly took a step backwards and raised his hands in a defensive gesture. "I didn't mean to... I was just... I heard you scream."

"Go away, Remus," Sirius said slowly and clearly. He expected Remus to attack him any minute and sink his long teeth into his throat, thus passing the curse on to Sirius. What if Remus transformed right now? It was not the full moon anymore but the moon was still so full and maybe... Besides, Sirius had read that werewolves were unusually aggressive during the days close to the full moon.

"Stay away from me, Remus," Sirius warned him. "You don't know what you're doing. You will regret it tomorrow. You're not yourself."

"Excuse me?" Remus said, pretending to sound confused.

"Remus, this is my last warning," Sirius said urgently. "Stop this. If you attack, I have no other choice but to defend myself. And I _will_ defend myself, you can be sure of that."

"Sirius, what's going on?" he suddenly heard Peter's alarmed voice. "Why'd you scream?"

"Peter, stay where you are!" Sirius commanded.

"What's wrong?" Alex's voice came from the other side of the room.

"Will you guys please be quiet?" Chris said sleepily. "It's in the middle of the night and there are people here who wanna sleep."

Sirius paused for a moment, trying to collect his breath. Chris and Alex were oblivious to the danger they found themselves in. Hadn't they a right to know? But he had promised not to tell anyone because otherwise Remus would not be able to attend school any longer. But was it really worth the risk? Suddenly he noticed from the corner of his eye that Remus had drawn his wand too. Sirius shook his head in mute plea.

"Don't," he whispered.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Remus said in exasperation. "I don't mean to attack you. Here." He threw his wand to Sirius, who caught it in surprise.

Suspiciously, Sirius looked from the wand in his hand to the boy standing at the end of his bed. Remus looked wary but also quite exhausted. Probably from his transformation. And because it was, as Chris had rightly pointed out, in the middle of the night. Sirius did not know what to do. He knew the danger was not over yet just because he had Remus's wand. It could be a trap. He was not safe of Remus's Werewolf Strength. And what if they all fell asleep and Remus... Sirius shuddered involuntarily.

"Well, I'm going back to bed," Remus said quietly and turned away.

"No, you're not," Sirius said authoritatively. "I need a word with you." He nodded towards the door. "In private."

"Alright," Remus agreed, sounding thoroughly doubtful. He followed Sirius out of their dormitory and into the common room.

Sirius made sure to keep a safe distance between them. Remus sat down in an armchair next to the fire, which had burnt down to embers, but Sirius kept standing next to the window. He chose his words with consideration. He certainly did not want to enrage Remus even more.

"You see, I don't really know much about you but you always seemed a... sensible and responsible person to me." Oh, the irony... Calling a werewolf sensible and responsible... "I'm not prejudiced, you know? I don't think that every werewolf is completely evil. Because I believe that there is always a choice."

Remus nodded fervently. "That's exactly the point. I know many werewolves choose to follow... Voldemort but that does not mean that every werewolf is evil." He gave Sirius an odd look. Was it hope? "I don't want to be evil or become one of Vol-... Voldemort's followers. I never chose to become a werewolf and, Hag's Hell, I wish I was not. I don't want to turn into a monster once a month."

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. "Very well then. You don't want to be evil and you don't want to be a monster." He critically scrutinised Remus with squinted eyes. "If you've just told me the truth - and I hope you did... Well, a responsible werewolf would not sleep in one room with humans, right? I mean, it's too dangerous, especially at this time of the month."

It was as if something had shut behind Remus's eyes. "Sirius, the full moon was two nights ago," he said in a barely controlled voice.

"Exactly," Sirius said sharply.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked sharply.

"What do I mean?! You know very well what I mean! I've done some research and I know now that werewolves are also dangerous and aggressive during the days close to the full moon. You can be really glad that nothing's happened so far. You certainly know what happens to a werewolf who kills or bites someone: lifelong sentence in Azkaban. You don't want that, do you? That's why you can't stay in one dormitory together with us. If you refuse to move out, I'll have to tell Alex and Chris. I think they have a right to know about the danger they're in."

"Is this blackmail?" Remus asked in a dull voice.

"No, this has absolutely nothing to do with blackmail! Merlin's pants, I'm only worried for my dorm mates! It's for their safety! And yours too - if you can't control your instincts any longer one day and something happens... Well, then it's Azkaban."

Remus ran a hand through his unwashed and unkempt hair. "Can you listen to me now for just - for just one minute? Can I explain?"

Sirius shrugged. "Go on then."

"I don't know what you've read but it's..." Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Let's say it's mostly incorrect. Have I ever shown any sign to attack any of you? See, I don't want to deny that I turn into a monster, into a very dangerous monster, once a month. Of course I must stay away from you then. But it's only one night. I don't become aggressive just because the full moon is close. Okay, some werewolves are aggressive before the full moon but that's only because they're looking forward to it and can't wait to become the wolf. Trust me, I certainly do _not_ look forward to it. And there's absolutely no reason for me to be aggressive after the full moon. I'm really not in the mood to attack now. I'm just _tired_."

"Yeah, okay, I believe you that you're not looking forward to your transformation but that's _now_. Maybe one day something will change inside you. Maybe one day you'll look forward to becoming the wolf too. You can never know when it's going to happen. The thing is, you are a werewolf and that means, although your mind may be unaffected by it for the moment - your body is not. And maybe one day your mind will not be strong enough anymore to resist your body's instincts."

"Thank you, Sirius, I'm perfectly aware what being a werewolf means," Remus said rather coldly.

Sirius impatiently tapped his foot on the floor. "You know, if it was just about me, I'd maybe... I'd maybe give it some thought. It would be _my_ decision to take the risk. _But_ it is about Chris and Alex too. I think they should have a choice. You can't just put them into this danger without them even knowing about it."

Remus chuckled humourlessly. "Well, you don't really give me a choice, do you? Fine, I wasn't lying when I said I was tired. I'm just going to sleep here in the common room tonight. Is that alright or am I still too close to you? You could lock your door from the inside to be absolutely sure I'm not going to rip your throats open."

"That's not funny," Sirius said tersely.

"I agree," Remus said softly. "I'm going to ask Professor Dumbledore for a single room tomorrow. Can you leave me alone now?"

"Yeah. I'm going to ask Professor Dumbledore right now. Sleep well." Sirius snorted derisively and stormed out of the common room. The conversation had really agitated him emotionally and he paced up and down in front of the stone gargoyle guarding Professor Dumbledore's office for quite some time until he felt ready to face the headmaster. Well, first of all he had to acknowledge that he did not know the password.

Muttering all sorts of curses under his breath, he walked back to Professor McGonagall's office and knocked loudly on her door. A few moments later, his sleepy head of house, clad in a tartan dressing gown, opened the door. She blinked a few times upon seeing him.

"Mr. Black? Something's wrong?"

"Er, yes. I need to speak to Professor Dumbledore."

"Now?"

"Yes. It's...important."

"Very well then. What is it?"

"I can't tell you."

"Mr. Black. I ask you to tell me _now_. If it is really so important, I as your head of house need to know."

"I can't tell you," Sirius repeated stubbornly. Only the fact that McGonagall looked still a bit sleepy and dishevelled gave him the courage to speak to her like that.

"Alright," she said somewhat sourly. "Come along." She led him back to the gargoyle, said the password and brought him into the headmaster's office.

"Professor Dumbledore, Mr. Black insisted on seeing you right now. He claims it's of the utmost importance and that he therefore cannot tell me."

"Oh, I see," Dumbledore said lightly. "Very well, thank you, Minerva. Sit down, Sirius."

When Professor McGonagall had left, Sirius said somewhat apologetically, "She wouldn't understand."

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows. "I see," he simply said again. "Well, what kind of important things brought you here at such a time?"

"It's about Remus," Sirius said without further pretence. Dumbledore knew Remus was a werewolf anyway, so there was no reason in beating around the bush. "I know he's a werewolf and I've been wondering if it's safe to let him sleep in one room with the rest of us."

Dumbledore's expression had not changed the slightest while Sirius had told him that. The headmaster just looked him straight in the eyes as he always did, giving Sirius the impression that Dumbledore already knew much more than he knew even about his own thoughts. It annoyed him greatly.

"I can assure you that it is perfectly safe for all but one night of the month," Dumbledore said lightly.

Sirius heaved a deep sigh. "Professor, I... I don't mean to sound prejudiced. I've just read that many werewolves are aggressive the days before the full moon because they look forward to becoming the wolf." He awkwardly cleared his throat. "And, er, I'm sure Remus doesn't look forward to his transformation but couldn't it be that one day he won't be able to control his instincts anymore, and will attack someone of us without, uh, meaning to do so?"

"I'm sure Remus Lupin can perfectly control himself," Dumbledore said, and his tone made it clear that the subject was closed.

"Okay," Sirius said awkwardly. "Uh, you see, I couldn't tell Professor McGonagall because I didn't know if she knew about Remus's, uh, condition. I didn't want to give his secret away because I know he won't be able to stay at this school or any other school if people find out."

Dumbledore smiled gently at him. "That was a very noble thing to do. Remus is lucky to have friends like you."

Sirius bit his lip and nodded, staring down at his hands in his lap.

"But I can assure you that Professor McGonagall knows about Remus's lycanthropy too. I couldn't let her give the poor boy detention because he misses classes so often without an excuse, could I?"

Sirius forced a grin. "Sure."

"Very well then. Do you have any more questions?"

"No, thank you, sir."

"Then you should probably go back to bed, otherwise you'll be too tired to pay attention in class tomorrow."

"Yes. Goodnight, Professor."

"Goodnight, Sirius."

Slowly, Sirius walked back into Gryffindor Tower. There was something about Dumbledore's arguments that made him forget everything else he had wanted to say. Arguing with Dumbledore seemed pointless because Sirius knew the old wizard would win any verbal duel anyway. Dumbledore could use logic to support his points, he could give you a bad conscience and he could twist everything around until it suited his needs - and after a few simple words you had to grudgingly admit defeat.

Quietly, Sirius climbed through the portrait hole into the common room. The almost full moon shone through the window and bathed the room in its pale light. Remus had indeed stayed in the common room and had already fallen asleep on a sofa. He lay curled up in a fetal position and was hugging a pillow to his chest to keep him warm.

_He is lucky to have friends like you._

Sirius said down in an armchair opposite him and watched him impassively. Strands of hair fell forwards into Remus's eyes and revealed a long gash at the back of his neck. Sirius felt a little pang in his stomach upon seeing it. He wanted to ask Remus how he had got it but he knew he would never do it. _I'll just have to read more on werewolves_, he decided.

He took quill and parchment someone had left on a table and hastily scribbled down a little note for Remus.

_Dumbledore says it's okay if you stay in our dormitory. He says it's safe and I shouldn't tell __anyone. _

_He's the headmaster and it's his decision. I don't like his decision but I'll respect it._

_Sirius _

Sirius quietly put a table next to the sofa Remus was sleeping on, and placed the note and Remus's wand, which he had still carried with him, on it so Remus could see it first thing when he awoke in the morning.

Sleeping here so peacefully, Remus could not have looked any less werewolfish. It was odd but, although Remus's whole body was bathed in the light of the almost full moon, Sirius was not afraid at all. It seemed so unreal now that Remus would ever attack anyone. Sirius's earlier fear had just been evoked by his dream. He had not been able to think clearly then, and afterwards he had simply wanted to...well, maybe he had wanted to test Remus. Sirius sighed inaudibly. Sometimes he almost wished Remus would act more like a werewolf was supposed to act. He wished Remus would confirm the things he read on werewolves. The truth was, even Christmas trees were more aggressive than he.

Sirius sniffed quietly and decided to finally go to bed. The other boys in his dormitory had already fallen asleep too. For a moment, Sirius wondered if he should bring Remus his blanket. It was cold in the common room and Remus only wore his thin pyjamas. But Sirius quickly dismissed that thought. It would mean that he displayed weakness. Why exactly giving someone a blanket was a weakness, he really did not know. He just felt that he would somehow lose whatever battle it was they were fighting if he now allowed himself to bring Remus a blanket.


	17. Hairy Snout, Human Heart

**Author's Note:** Again I'd like to say that I'm very, very grateful for your reviews! There were a few questions which several of you asked me, so I thought I'd answer them here because maybe other readers are wondering about these things, too.

How do you do it to update so fast?

- It's magic, obviously! I have a Time Turner and so I can... Okay, I wrote most of the story during the summer holidays. Usually, I don't post stories before I know exactly where I want to go with it. I like to have several chapters written in advance so I can work on making the chapters influence each other...er, does that make sense? By that I mean that I don't just want to tell the events one by one, but it should all belong together, so I try to use motives etc. So now I'm mostly doing rereading and revising and editing, and then I send the chapter to my beta reader (thanks to you!!!) and as soon as I have the chapter back, I can update. Besides, it's really your reviews that make me want to update so quickly (after all, editing can take much time, too). I admit it, I'm totally review-greedy. If I get 20 reviews for one chapter, I'm so happy and want to post the next chapters to get new reviews again ;-)

Could you give us an insight in Remus's feelings at the moment? How's he coping with things?

- I'm sorry to say, but there won't be a chapter from Remus's point of view very soon (maybe even not at all in this story...). I really want the focus to be on Sirius right now - on his struggles with his conflicting emotions, his prejudices, his love for Remus... However, I can assure you that Remus will make more appearances in the next chapters again, and I hope that his feelings will become apparent soon. (If not... that is, if you feel it's absolutely necessary for a chapter from Remus's point of view, then tell me and I will see what I can do about it.)

Will Sirius and Remus get together very soon?

- Aaaaah... You don't expect me to answer this one, right? ;-)

* * *

**Chapter 17**

**Hairy Snout, Human Heart**

The next morning, Sirius awoke late. He had not been able to quickly fall asleep again last night with all the thoughts and emotions ambushing his mind. However, although he woke up late, it was just in time to see his Werewolf-Strength-Experiment. Remus, who was already fully dressed (Sirius was sure he would start the avoiding-Sirius-game again and quickly wanted to leave for breakfast), grabbed his school bag, which was standing on the floor - and almost toppled over.

"Whoa - what the..." Remus gave his bag a confused look. He tried to lift it again, this time expecting the heavy weight, but did not succeed. He used both hands to pull on the handle, he braced his whole body against it but in vain: the bag did not move for a single millimetre. Sirius, who had watched the scene through a little gap in his curtain, was a bit disappointed.

"Er, what are you doing?" Chris, who had toothpaste around his mouth and was only half clothed, came into the room and eyed Remus curiously.

"I-I can't lift it," Remus panted, still tugging in vain at the bag. "It's suddenly too heavy."

Chris's toothpaste-covered lips formed a derisive sneer. "You're such a girl, Lupin. You don't even have enough muscles to carry your own school bag. Such a pity you and your _boy_friend have split up, otherwise he could carry your things."

Behind the curtains, Sirius angrily pressed his lips together. Not even the fact that he and Remus were not together anymore could stop Chris from making his stupid homophobic comments at every given opportunity. Remus, of course, did not say anything in return. Giving his struggles up, he slowly walked around the school bag and examined it suspiciously as if he expected it to explode. Finally, he took his wand out and tried a Removing Charm.

_So you think I've used a Sticking Charm? Why would I do that? To prank you?__ I know you well enough to know that you would just ignore my pranks._

Meanwhile, Remus tried lifting the bag up with the Levitation Charm. It worked but then he was obviously confident enough to take the bag into his hand and try to carry it. That did not work. With a little yelp, Remus stumbled down to the floor with his bag.

"Damn it!" he cursed quietly. "What's wrong with that stupid thing?!"

"Er... maybe there's something heavy inside it?" Sirius could hear Peter timidly suggesting.

"Hm..." Remus opened the bag to peer inside. "Oh, what's that?" he took one of the marble-sized pumpkins out. "What the..." He quickly let go of the small pumpkin so it landed on the floor with a _thud_. "What _is_ it?" Remus muttered. "How can something so small be so heavy?"

"Er..." Peter laughed nervously.

Sirius rolled his eyes. Peter knew very well of the prank, Sirius had told him all about it.

Remus bent down over his bag again. "There are at least twenty more of these things," he informed Peter. One by one, he removed them from his bag. It looked a bit comical to see Remus's hand trembling with the weight of such a little thing.

"Peter, do you too think that these things look a lot like _pumpkins_?" Remus asked sceptically.

"Uh, yes, they look like, uh, very small pumpkins," Peter agreed.

"Maybe someone used a Shrinking Solution on them," Remus mused.

"Or a _Reducio_ Charm," Peter added.

Remus's gaze drifted towards Sirius's bed. "Three guesses who did it," he said in a low voice that was only meant for Peter to hear.

Sirius felt a little indignant. Why did Remus suspect him at once? It could as well have been Alex or Chris - after all, they had been in on bullying Remus too when he had been new at Hogwarts. And they still did not like him very much.

"Why would he do that?" Peter defended Sirius, which was kind of loyal of him.

"I didn't know there had to be a reason for playing silly pranks," Remus replied sardonically.

_You'd be surprised_, Sirius thought darkly. _Don't underestimate me._ Pretending to be asleep, he stayed in bed until Peter woke him up.

"Hey, Sirius, you have to be in Potions in fifteen minutes!"

Sirius made a big show of groaning and protesting and yawning, and slowly got out of bed, rubbing his eyes to make them look puffy and sleepy. Everyone else but he and Peter had already left for breakfast.

"Oh no, I'm too late to see the result of our experiment," he complained.

"Well, he couldn't carry it. I don't think he has any special strength," Peter informed him.

"Alright then, I never thought he did. I mean, look at him, he doesn't really look like superwizard, does he?"

"Yes, I guess he doesn't... Okay, I'm off to breakfast," Peter said.

"Okay. See you later." Sirius took his time to get dressed and he did not hurry either with eating his breakfast. Slughorn tended to forgive him anything as long as he showed up at the Slug-Club meetings.

After classes, Sirius hid behind the curtains of his four-poster bed and continued reading another werewolf book. This one was about a really interesting experiment. A scientist, who had wanted to find out if werewolves were evil by nature or if they were just like any other human being, had taken a werewolf girl, who had been bitten really early in her life, and had watched her grow up without any contact to the outside world. As she had neither been in contact with humans nor with other werewolves, she was not influenced either way. No one ever taught her anything about good and evil, no one ever discussed morals with her. She was just growing up completely naturally.

The results were pretty obvious. She had not learned to speak but her language only consisted of growls and snarls or whimpers. She had not bothered about cleaning herself. Naturally, no one had ever shown her how to do it but it seemed she had not even been disgusted by her own stench. When she had been twelve years old, the scientist had channelled a little bunny in her house to see how she would get along with other beings. At first things looked well. She even played peacefully with the bunny in her wolf form. But one day, without a reason, she simply beat it to death. The scientist reported that she had laughed when the bunny had stopped moving. The same had happened to a ferret and another bunny. At the age of fourteen, the girl had died. The scientist had no idea why but he supposed it was because she had grown so used to her wolf form that she could not survive so many days in her human form.

It was a really depressing report and there was something profoundly scary about it but Sirius could not put his finger on exactly what it was. There were two more reports on werewolf behaviour but Sirius did not feel like reading them right now. Instead, he took _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ again, skipped the horribly melodramatic prologue and began reading the first chapter.

_I was born at the night of the full moon. I don't remember it. I don't remember what it feels like to look at the full moon with human eyes. I don't remember what it feels like to look at the moon without fear. But I suppose__, as a toddler, I thought the big silver ball was nice-looking. _

_Now, whatever you think of me and my kind - I was not born a werewolf. I was born just a normal, ordinary wizarding baby. I cried like any other baby, I enjoyed breast milk like any other baby; I spoke my first word, got my first tooth, and learned how to walk... _

_I even got a little brother one day. He was two years younger than I, and one of the first memories I have is looking after him when my parents were away (probably for just a few minutes but I felt immensely proud and responsible of such an important task back then). I remember cradling him in my lap and feeding him mashed pumpkins. I remember my parents telling me that I did really well and that I was already such a big son on whom they could rely._

_Three year later, I was not a responsible and well-behaved son anymore. Me, my little brother and my best friend Toby (all names were changed for reasons of anonymity) were what most boys are at the age of seven years: wild, adventure-seeking, loud, carefree and daredevil. _

_There is one moment I remember with such clarity, one moment I will never be able to forget, one moment which is etched into my brain and which haunts my nightmares..._

_It was another test of courage that found the three of us in the forest late at night. Of course our parents had warned us not to go into the forest late at night. But what do you do if someone warns you against something?_

Sirius could not help but grin a little bit. _Of course you do exactly that_, he answered the question.

_What do you do if someone tells you something is dangerous and really forbidden? __Of course you do exactly that._

Sirius chuckled softly. _I guess we would get along fine_. But then he startled at that thought. What had he been thinking?! That guy was a werewolf! _But not at that point of the story_, he tried to reason. _Now he's just a normal little boy._

_In our children's minds, something forbidden meant something good. After all, our parents had also forbidden us to go to Old Sam who lived in a little, __run-down hut at the very end of the street. He was such a nice man and had shown us how to make fire without using a wand. And our parents had also forbidden us to play in the stone pit, which was, however, the most exciting playground there was. They forbade us to eat too many sugar quills, they forbade us to stay up late at night, and they forbade us to use magic... _

_So we could only conclude that going into the forest at night had to be something very, very great, exciting and funny. Nonetheless, the forest at night was scary. My little brother Charley suggested several times to go back because maybe our parents were right this one time and there really was something dangerous inside the forest. But I could not back out of this in front of Toby. He would call me a coward for the rest of my life! _

_Oh, if I had just listened to little Charley! If I had just listened to my parents! How often have I condemned my own pride, stubbornness and carelessness! _

_It is odd how sometimes one moment can turn our whole life upside down. That full moon night was such a moment for me. Things that seemed important earlier were suddenly negligible. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had listened to my little brother that night. _

_But I did not. I did not listen to my little brother either when he said in a small, frightened voice that he was sure he heard someone - or something – in the underbrush. I just took his little, sweaty hand in mine and squeezed it reassuringly. He was so right..._

_We all screamed when we suddenly heard a menacing growl, a loud crack of branches, and then we found ourselves face to face with yellow eyes. It was a werewolf and it looked even worse than the picture in my fairy tale book. There was a bloodlust and ferocity in its eyes that made my blood run cold. It was at least twice as tall as I. It came nearer and nearer, baring its teeth in hunger, and finally I found my voice again._

"_Run!" I yelled at my friend and my brother, and we turned on our heels and ran as fast as we could. Maybe we could have made it. Maybe..._

_If Charley had not stumbled over a stump. I halted in shock when I heard his terrified scream. The monster was drawing closer to him and there was no doubt what it was going to do with him._

"_Paul!" my little brother called me for help. "Paul!" he desperately shrieked my name. _

_I could not leave him there. Never could I have abandoned my little brother. I lunged forward, grabbed a rock and threw it at the werewolf's head. It growled, enraged, and turned its attention to me. But then Charley whimpered in fear and the werewolf's hungry eyes snapped back at him. It threw its head back and howled a long howl, and then it lunged forward, opened its mouth and made to bite Charley._

"_NO!" I screamed in panic, raced forward and shoved Charley out of the way. That meant two things: Charley was safe for the moment but I was standing right there where he had stood moments before. There was nothing I could have done. _

_I tried to bite back my scream of pain when the long and sharp teeth sank deep into my arm. "Toby, take Charley and run!" I yelled. I knew I was going to die here anyway and I did not want my sacrifice to be for nothing. "Run!" I shouted again, this time more weakly._

_From the corner of my eye, I could see Toby grabbing Charley's hand and running away with him. 'Charley is safe, and that's all that matters' was my last conscious thought before I fainted from the severe blood loss._

_That night, I was convinced to die there, alone in the forest with a werewolf which certainly would rend me apart. But I did not die. Only years later did I learn that the werewolf that had bitten me had been Old Sam. For a moment, the wolf had been touched by the sacrifice of a little boy for his brother. For a moment, his human mind had won over. For a moment, he had recognised me. He was anguished by what he had done. He had never wanted to pass that horrible curse on to someone else, least of all to an innocent boy. So he had fled. Not because he was a coward and feared the punishment for what he had done. He had fled because it was the only way to save that little boy. Old Sam had known that soon the wolf would win control over his mind again and if that had happened, I would have been lost. _

_I have never hated Old Sam for what he has done to me. I know it was not he but the wolf. Indeed, I am grateful. I am grateful that he had the strength in him to tear himself away from me and thus save my life._

_I have never regretted my actions either. If I was met with the choice again, I would not act any differently. I have saved Charley and that was all that mattered. _

That was the first chapter. Sirius felt a bit odd. He could not decipher what his feelings were. He just knew that this was the most tragic thing he had ever heard. A seven-year-old boy who had been punished so badly for doing something so honourable: saving his little brother. What a sacrifice... He had given up his own innocence and goodness for the life of his little brother.

Sirius put the book aside. He was not in the mood for any more tragic things. What bothered him most was that, when he had read that scene, he had all the while pictured a smaller version of Remus. A small, skinny boy with patched trousers, his cheeks dirty and flushed from playing outside the whole day. It had been Remus's face he had seen, full of fear but at the same time determination, when he had protectively stepped in front of his little brother.

It was more than tragic: It was horrible, it was cruel, it was _unfair_! It was unfair that someone should be punished for such a good deed. And a seven-year-old boy, too... No seven-year-old child deserved something like that...

But Sirius could not agree with the author. He could not forgive Old Sam for what he had done. That evil werewolf should have stayed inside and transformed somewhere where he was not a danger to humans, maybe in a bunker. Certainly werewolves were not allowed to run around freely, were they? Sirius rummaged through all the werewolf books he had borrowed and finally found what he was looking for: _Laws for Dark Creatures and People Dealing With Them. A Guide to Today's Legal Status._

He hastily turned the pages, almost ripping them out while doing so. There: Werewolves.

_§__ 14: Werewolves must report the place where they intend to transform to the Ministry. The Ministry will check if the place is acceptable. If it does not meet with their standards, the werewolf can be forced to spend the full moon in a guarded cell in the Ministry. The punishment for a werewolf which runs around freely during the full moon was lifted in 1961 to six months in Azkaban. If the werewolf has bitten or killed someone during the full moon, it will be punished with a lifelong sentence. _

_I knew it, I knew it! _Sirius thought in angry triumph. That despicable Old Sam was evil! He had not been allowed to run around freely in his wolf form. He should have been punished with a lifelong sentence in Azkaban for what he had done to that little boy.

Against his better judgement, Sirius took out _Hairy Snout, Human Heart _again and continued reading the next chapter.

_I do not know what Toby or Charley told my parents about what had happened in the forest. When I woke up again, I lay on the couch in our living room. My parents and a woman I did not know were bent over me. The strange woman examined the wound in my arm. My gaze wandered to the end of the couch where Charley lay curled up in a warm blanket. _

_He smiled sleepily at me. I smiled back at him and asked the grownups, "Is he okay?"_

"_Yes, dear, your brother is fine," the strange woman said curtly._

_I sighed in relief and closed my eyes again. Whatever the woman was doing to my arm, it hurt like hot fire. _

_Then I heard her voice again. She was speaking to my parents. "I'm sorry, but there is no doubt." She made a long pause before the next words. "Your son is a werewolf."_

"_No," my father whispered and I heard my mother sob loudly. I quickly opened my eyes again to see that my father was embracing her soothingly. _

"_Paul's a werewolf?" Charley said doubtfully. "You're not, are you?" he asked me fearfully. "You're not going to turn into a monster like the one that killed the Seven Unicorns, right?"_

"_No, of course not," I told him in a reassuring voice. "I promise you, I will not become a monster."_

_Charley smiled widely and trustingly at me. "Okay."_

"_Charley, get away from him," my mother said in a choked voice._

"_But why-" Charley protested but my father cut him off._

"_Get away from him!" he said harshly, seized Charley and carried him away from me._

"_Mum, Dad - what's happening?" I asked, suddenly afraid. Why was Charley not allowed to stay with me?_

_But no one answered my question. They left me alone and locked the door. I heard them talk in hushed voices in the room next door. I stared at the ugly wound at my arm. It looked like it was poisoned. And in a certain way it is. Nothing can cure a werewolf bite. Nothing can make the wound go away. I was marked for the rest of my life now. I was cursed. _

_The next days were strange. I did not understand then why my parents acted so oddly. They were always talking in hushed voices and as soon as I entered the room, they would fall silent at once. Only Charley behaved normally around me. Everything could have been fine if it had not been for the still so fresh wound at my arm. _

_And why was Toby nowhere to be seen? Usually, we would meet each day outside to play together but Toby had not been on the street for over a week. I was getting worried and one afternoon Charley and I climbed over the fence into his garden and threw cobbles at his window. It took a long time until his pale face finally appeared in the window._

"_Hello Toby!" I shouted cheerfully, relieved to see my best friend again. "Where have you been all the time? We were worried you were ill. Can you come out to play now? Charley has got a new cauldron set. We could cook chestnuts!"_

_Toby looked wistfully down at us but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Paul, but I can't play with you."_

"_Why?"_

"_My parents forbid me to play with a werewolf."_

_I realised quickly that this interdiction was not something Toby intended to break because it certainly was exciting to play with a werewolf. No, he really meant it. I wanted to say that I was not a werewolf but before the words were out, I realised that I was wrong. _

_I __**was**__ a werewolf._

_I was a __**werewolf**_

_**I**__ was a werewolf._

_And that was the reason why Toby was not allowed to play with me anymore. I did not understand it. Nothing had changed. I was still the same person. Just because I had this wound at my arm... But somehow that wound __**had**__ changed everything. To Toby it meant that I was not his friend any longer._

_Toby was not the only one who was not allowed to be friends with a werewolf. None of the other children in our street played together with me anymore. Parents called them inside the house whenever I was outside. I stayed more and more days inside with Charley being my only playmate. But he sometimes still went outside to play with Toby and the others. _

_One evening when I was alone again, I sat down in front of the window and sadly stared outside. The almost full moon attracted my eyes. Suddenly I felt something stir in my chest, a powerful pull forward. It was an aching longing in my heart. I wanted to be closer to the moon. _

_I heard the door open behind me and the soft steps of my father coming inside._

"_Paul!" he suddenly shouted harshly at me. "What are you doing?"_

"_Nothing," I said. "Just looking at the moon."_

"_How dare you -"Before I knew what was happening, he had come towards me and hit his hand hard across my face. I screamed in surprise and pain. I tried to run away but he did not let go of me._

"No," Sirius whispered. _Oh no_. _He's going to beat his son. Oh no, don't do it._

_He beat me again and shouted at me. "How dare you, you __**monster**__! Haven't you brought enough shame on our family?! I can't believe it - my son: an animal!" _

"_Dad, please stop," I whimpered. I did not understand what I had done to make him hate me like this. _

_My father roughly grabbed my arm and pulled the sleeve of my shirt away, revealing the wound. He put his finger into it and I screamed and squirmed from the pain it caused me. He pressed his finger hard into my flesh. His voice was even louder than my screams of pain._

"_If I ever catch you staring at the moon again, I'll make sure to make you wish you'd have never been born!" _

Terror-stricken, Sirius slumped back on his bed. His shaking hands clutched the book and his trembling breathing simply refused to calm down. He remembered all the times _his_ father had beaten him. Oh yes, he knew what it felt like if your parents hated you for who you were. But his parents had never hit him when he had been so _young_. Seven years old... At that age, Sirius's mother had maybe sometimes given him a little slap if he had spilled his pumpkin juice or if he had torn the knees of his trousers when he had played outside. But the first time his father had ever taken that horrible broomstick... Sirius had been thirteen years old and had stated that he was proud of being in Gryffindor in front of the Lestranges.

He now remembered that Remus's body was full of scars. What if they were from... _Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. _Angrily, Sirius put the book deep into his trunk and covered it with all the other books and all his clothes. He did not want to continue reading it. Ever.

Naturally, sleep did not come easy to Sirius this night either. He could not avoid the images of a small, skinny boy who was crying in pain because his father brutally beat him. He tried to tell himself that Remus had maybe received his bite no earlier than at the age of ten. Nonetheless, ten was still too young for something like that.


	18. Things I Know About Werewolves

**Author's Note:** Wow, I'm overwhelmed by the amount of reviews for the last chapter. It was really encouraging because I felt a bit uncertain about the Hairy Snout book but I'm glad to see you all sympathise with "Paul". I will send personal reviews tomorrow... it's late and I just wanted to get this chapter up before going to bed ;-) This chapter, actually, is one of my favourite chapters. I don't really know why... but I'm looking forward to hear your opinion on it.

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**Chapter 18**

**Things I Know About Werewolves**

The next days, Sirius spent studying hard the other werewolf books. He read one which gave a detailed description of the werewolf transformation. It explained meticulously how the transformation started with the fingernails, then continued through the knuckles... It enlisted how each bone was stretched, shortened or bent, and when the wolf's mind fully took over the human mind. It was hopelessly boring.

Then he read _Wolf in Sheep's Clothing _which was mostly a diatribe against werewolves. Even Sirius, who did not have a very friendly attitude towards werewolves, did not agree with most points mentioned in the book. He finished _A Research on Werewolves in Modern Society_. Although the statistics were not always accurately analysed, it seemed a rather balanced report on werewolves and society. The author basically concluded that the werewolf crime rate was indeed very high but that the attitude of normal people towards werewolves, and their low social status often contributed to that. It was the best book Sirius had read so far. It was not as prejudiced as _Wolf in Sheep's Clothing_, not as radical as _How to Fight a Werewolf_ and not as delusional as _Man or Wolf?_ (The author of this book really thought werewolves were completely harmless, and she claimed that their vicious behaviour was only the fault of the Ministry and all the evil, evil intolerant people, who, in her opinion, did not have the right to be afraid of a killing monster.)

The true reason why Sirius studied so hard was that he wanted to distract himself. He wanted to avoid thinking of how and when Remus had been bitten. He wanted to ignore the terrible things he had read in _Hairy Snout, Human Heart._

In one boring Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson, however, he could not take it any longer. Professor Ötzli was giving them a long talk about the different sorts of vampires and their varying appearances and behaviour patterns. Sirius had stopped listening a while ago and was instead gazing intently at the long scar at Remus's neck. Remus sat directly in front of him and he was, of course, dutifully taking notes.

It took Sirius fifteen more minutes until he could finally bring himself to scribble a little note on a piece of parchment:

_How old were you when you were bitten?_

_Sirius_

When Professor Ötzli was busy with using a projector to show photographs of American Vampires, Sirius gently tipped his wand at the piece of parchment and levitated it in front of Remus.

He nervously watched Remus unfold the parchment. Sirius could see Remus's shoulders tense when he read the note. Sirius bit his lip. _I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have... _He kept repeating the same sentence in his mind like a mantra.

Ten gruelling minutes later, Remus subtly extended his left hand backwards to Sirius while his other hand continued taking notes. Well, Sirius was sure he just _pretended _to be taking notes. Sirius hated the fact that a jolt raced through his body when their fingers touched for the briefest of seconds when he took the crumpled piece of parchment out of Remus's hand. Both of them quickly removed their hands as if they had been burnt. With shaking fingers, Sirius unfolded the note and read it. Remus had written just one word:

_fiv__e_

He gulped. Five... Remus had been only five when... Only five years old... A five-year-old boy must have nightmares for _years_ after seeing a werewolf. But being _bitten_ by one... Five years old... That was even younger than Paul from _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_. Oh Merlin, how could it have happened? Hag's Hell, why hadn't Remus's parents looked properly after their little son?!

Taking a deep, shaking breath, Sirius looked up again to see that Professor Ötzli had finished his projector presentation. All the other students had opened their textbooks. So had Remus. He was bent deep over it, pretending to be totally absorbed in something he had certainly already read before. His slim shoulders were still so tensed, and Sirius had the desperate urge to extend one hand and place it on that shoulder as a comfort.

Of course he did not do it.

Five years old... What could Remus have done to deserve a fate like this? No matter what he was today, he had been an innocent little boy once, just like Paul. Only five years old...

After class, Sirius hurried up into his dormitory and dug out _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ from the depths of his trunk. He read the whole afternoon. About Paul's first werewolf transformation, which he almost did not survive. He had to transform in a little cellar and as the werewolf was so vicious and wanted to attack something but nothing was there, he attacked and bit himself. Paul's father beat him even more for it. He continued beating the little boy for everything: If Paul groaned or yawned, he accused him of growling like a wolf. If he quickly ate his meals, he accused him of behaving like a hungry wolf. He always found something animalistic or wolfish in his son's ordinary behaviour.

Sirius read how the father discovered Paul's allergy to silver, and used that knowledge to torture him even more with silver cutlery or Sickles. He said it was unnatural (Wasn't that what people had called Sirius for kissing a boy?) to react to silver in such a way and therefore he wanted Paul to get used to silver.

Sirius read how Paul ran away from home (Oh, the irony of it!) on his ninth birthday. Then he had to pause for a moment because he had not eaten anything since breakfast and it was already dinnertime. His stomach was growling loudly... He was sure if Paul's stomach had growled like this, his father would have accused him of behaving wolfish again...

Sirius quickly went down into the Great Hall. His thoughts were still elsewhere and he did not really pay attention to what he was eating. He wanted to quickly finish his meal because he was curious to read on. Then, however, a movement in the corner of his eye caught his attention. Peter was handing a carafe with pumpkin juice to Remus, and the carafe was... _silver_.

Paul - father - torture - silver - werewolf - allergic - silver -

"_Stop!_" Without knowing what he was doing, Sirius had stood up and frantically waved in Peter's direction. "Stop, stop, stop!"

Peter almost dropped the carafe in shock. He gave Sirius a very frightened look. "What's...?"

Remus made to take the carafe out of Peter's hand but Sirius quickly intervened.

"Don't!" Didn't Remus see that the carafe was silver? It was real silver, Sirius was sure of it. He had seen the house elves in the kitchen polish it. "Don't take it," Sirius said urgently. He tried to mouth the word 'silver' but obviously Remus was not able to lip-read.

"No, no, no, Peter, don't give it to him," Sirius quickly told Peter when Remus was about to seize the carafe again.

Peter frowned in confusion. "But why...?"

"Give it to me!" Sirius commanded loudly. "Give it to me, quickly, I need it now. I... I ate too much pepper and it's so hot, argh." He pulled a face for good measure and pretended to be gasping for breath. "_Quick!_"

Peter, Remus and everyone else sitting nearby looked at him as if he had temporarily gone insane. But finally Peter passed him the pumpkin juice. Sirius quickly poured himself a glass and gulped it down. Then he gave Remus a meaningful glance and tapped his knuckles against the carafe. _It's silver. __**Silver**_

Either Remus was outright dumb or he wanted to prove Sirius wrong. Sirius suspected the latter when Remus asked a young girl to pass him another carafe of pumpkin juice which stood at the other end of the table. Apprehensively, Sirius watched him take the silver carafe. Remus did not even flinch when his fingers touched the silver. Sirius, however, did flinch. He knew from the book how much pain it must cost Remus to touch silver. He must have trained really hard to muster such an impassive impression. Maybe his father, too, had tortured him with silver to make him get used to it. No, Paul had said that you could not get used to that allergy. You could only get used to the pain...

When Remus got up to leave the Great Hall, Sirius jumped up from his chair too and followed him. He caught up with him two corridors later.

"Wait!" he shouted.

Surprisingly, Remus really stopped and turned around. "Yes?"

"Show me your hands," Sirius said firmly.

"Excuse me?" Remus said incredulously.

"Show me your hands," Sirius repeated stubbornly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus said, turned around and made to leave. But Sirius did not let him go. He grabbed his arm and turned him around. "What -"

Sirius roughly seized Remus's right hand and turned it around so he could have a look at the palm. Remus struggled and tried to break free of his grip but Sirius refused to let go.

"Sirius, what are you doing?!" Remus said angrily, not stopping his struggling.

Sirius closely examined Remus's palm and every finger. He could not see any burn. Remus squirmed and tried to back away.

"Let go of me!" Remus said, sounding both angry and nervous. "Stop this!"

"Show me your other hand," Sirius ordered.

"No, I won't, let go of -"

After a brief struggle, Sirius caught hold of Remus's left hand and forced Remus to turn it around. Sirius was the stronger one and since he knew now that Remus did not possess any Werewolf Strength, he was not afraid to get into a fight. But there were no burns at the other hand either. Feeling a bit lost and confused, Sirius slightly loosened his grip on Remus's wrist. It was, however, still strong enough to hinder Remus from wresting himself free.

Finally giving up his struggles, Remus cast his eyes to the floor. "Sirius, just let go of me please," he pleaded quietly.

Sirius wished Remus would not sound so defeated. He wished Remus would rant at him and kick him like Belinda had done. Sirius wanted to force it all into the open, to let go of all the pent-up emotions.

"Why aren't there burns?" he demanded to know.

"Burns?" Remus said warily. "What kind of burns?"

Sirius snorted angrily. "From the carafe."

"_Oh._" Remus's eyes widened. "Oh, well..." He shrugged helplessly.

"It was silver. It should have burnt you," Sirius said in an almost accusing voice.

"Er, yes. You see, not every werewolf is allergic to silver," Remus explained awkwardly.

"Really?" Sirius said in surprise. "But I read..." He stopped. He knew how stupid it sounded if he started his 'I read this and that' again and again.

"What you have to realise is that... research on werewolves is not... finished yet. There are still many questions left open, there are many things they got wrong, and so the books are not always complete."

"But some werewolves _are_ allergic to silver, aren't they?" Sirius insisted. He felt a bit betrayed that after all the books he had read he still got everything wrong.

"Yes, many are," Remus confirmed.

"But you're not? Why's that?" Sirius realised this sounded like an interrogation and so he decided to let go of Remus's wrist at least.

Remus quickly put his hands into the pockets of his trouser as if they were safe there. "That's one of those things that is not sure yet," he explained quietly. "You've certainly read that you can kill werewolves with a silver bullet through the heart. The truth is, you can also kill werewolves with gold, bronze, iron, copper - with practically everything as long as it's shot properly through the heart. I guess it would also work if you shot a werewolf in its head. Whatever... My general healer reckons only werewolves who already got into contact with silver during the full moon become allergic to it."

"Sounds plausible... So you were never attacked with silver, were you?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Obviously not. You see, I don't run around outside during the full moon."

"Yes. You'd get a sentence of six months in Azkaban if you did it."

"I know that," Remus said in a very quiet but slightly annoyed voice.

"Have you already been in Azkaban?" Sirius asked, following a sudden idea.

"Of course not."

"Good." They were silent for a moment but then Sirius decided to ask another question that had been bothering him. They were already in such an awkward werewolf conversation now - might as well ask more awkward questions.

"How did it happen when you were bitten?"

Remus averted his eyes. "That is none of your concern," he said firmly.

"I think it is," Sirius insisted.

"And why's that?" Remus said sardonically. "I thought everything between us was over?"

"But I think I still have a right to know."

"A right to know," Remus repeated. "Why exactly?"

"Because I told you everything about me," Sirius said, growing a little bit angry. "I told you all about my idiotic family and how they treated me and just _everything_ about myself. You never told me anything about yourself."

"I - I never-?!" Remus said incredulously. "So telling you things like that I love you is not something about myself, it's something completely impersonal?!"

"I didn't mean that," Sirius said in annoyance. "Will you please stop pretending you don't know what I'm talking about! Tell me now: How did it happen when you were bitten? You were only five, right, but how come you were outside alone? Or was someone with you?"

"Stop it," Remus said in a low, barely controlled voice. "I don't want to talk about it."

"I have a right to know," Sirius repeated insistently. "Come on, you owe me that much after keeping so many things secret from me for so long."

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" Remus said in a weary voice. "It doesn't matter now anyway, does it?"

"I want to know."

Remus chuckled humourlessly. "You're almost seventeen years old, Sirius. You should know by now that you don't always get what you want."

"Don't mock me, Remus," Sirius said in an almost threatening voice. "If you don't want to tell me, well, I will find out anyway, you can be sure of that." Naturally, he had no idea how to find out but he had to reply something to Remus's unfair statement, right?

"Is that a threat?" Remus said quietly. "Going to imprison me again and torture the truth out of me?"

Remus could have hit him straight in the face and it would not have hurt worse. Remus _knew_ Sirius was not proud at all of the things that had happened. He did not really think Sirius would do something like that again, did he? Why then did he have to rub it in now?

"Idiot," Sirius muttered and walked away.

Back in the Gryffindor common room, he started a list _Things I know about werewolves, and are really true._

_- Werewolves can become allergic to silver if they are attacked with it in their wolf form._

_- Punishment for running around freely during full moon: six months Azkaban._

_- You can kill werewolves with bullets NOT made of silver._

_- Some werewolves become aggressive during the days before the full moon because they're looking forward to transforming._

_- If you were bitten by a werewolf there is no chance to avoid turning into the wolf during the full moon._

_- There are approximately twenty murders committed by a hundred werewolves. _

_- Hypothetically, werewolves can resist their instincts in their human form. _

Sirius reread the list and frowned very hard. So he had chosen to believe Remus and Professor McGonagall instead of the many books written by famous authors. _Am I insane?!_ he wondered. So he trusted his head of house, who was obviously totally delusional, and, even worse, he trusted Remus, who had lied to him and was a werewolf himself. Maybe all of this was a huge conspiracy, like '_Let's turn Sirius Black into a werewolf.'_ It did not make much sense, of course, because Remus could have bitten him before long.

Shaking his head in frustration, Sirius crumpled the list and threw it into the fire. _It's official now. I give up on this. There's no way to find out things if I can never be sure in what to believe._ He decided to bring Madam Pince all the books he had borrowed back.

All but one: He left _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ in the depths of his trunk. No matter if it told the truth or not - Sirius wanted to continue reading it. There was something fascinating about this book. Sirius badly wanted to know how things would turn out for Paul.

That concept was new to him. Normally, he did not read for entertainment. He did not understand people who thought books were funny or exciting. To Sirius, reading a book was more like a battle. He fought himself a way through the book, and the little letters, page numbers, long sentences or foreign words were his opponents. He just used the book for knowledge or information. _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_, however, was different. During the next days, it became something like a companion to Sirius.

He read until late at night how the nine-year-old Paul, who had run away from home, found shelter in the house of an old muggle lady. But as he was not experienced with his transformations yet, he did not go away far enough during the full moon, the wolf smelled human flesh and he attacked the woman - and killed her. Sirius was trembling in his bed and quickly turned the pages with shaking fingers.

_Shaking badly, I crawled to Henrietta's side. Her chest was ripped open and I could see blood everywhere. It sickened me and I was more afraid than ever before in my life. _

_I knew what I had done. What I had become._

_I was a murderer. _

_I had killed an innocent, old woman, who had only wanted to help me._

"_Please, Henrietta, please wake up," I whispered again and again in a voice choked with tears. I seized her cold hand and clutched it to my chest. "I'm so sorry, so sorry, I didn't want to do it, please, please, please forgive me."_

_**Murderer**_

_I almost screamed when I heard the rough voice. I jumped up and turned around frantically but no one was to be seen. Was it the spirit of the dead woman? Was she going to haunt me forever to punish me for what I had done?_

_I fell to my knees, begging for mercy and forgiveness._

"_Please, if I could change it, I would do anything! I don't want to be a murderer, I don't want to be evil! Please forgive me, I didn't want it to happen, I never wanted it to happen!"_

_**Of course you wanted it. You enjoyed it, didn't you? You enjoyed sinking your teeth into her delicious flesh, you enjoying tasting her sweet blood.**_

"_No, no, I didn't!" I shouted desperately. "Please, don't say that! Who are you? Where are you?"_

_**You ask me who I am? I am you, Paul, and you are me.**_

"_W-what?" I stammered. "I-I d-don't understand. You can't be me. I would never enjoy killing her."_

_**Then why did you do it?**_

"_It was the wolf! I didn't have control! It was the wolf, not me!"_

_**No, Paul, you are wrong. It was the wolf but you are the wolf and the wolf is you. You cannot escape it.**_

_I put my hands over my ears and shouted at whoever it was speaking. "Go away, I don't want to hear of you again! Go away!"_

_But the voice in my head did not go away. Instead, it stayed there and tormented me for many, many years. It was my inner wolf speaking to me. It wanted to take control over my human mind. _

Sirius blinked a tear away. What was happening to Paul was so _horrible_. He was such a good boy at heart and he had never wanted to commit murder of course. Sirius really hoped he would be strong enough to fight against his inner wolf but how should he do it if no one taught him how to do it?

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**Author's Note:** A little bit of advertisment: I've written a Halloween fic. It has also Remus and Sirius as the protagonists but it is definitely lighter and fluffier than this story. If you're interested, you can find "The Monster Day of Monsters" on my profile page. Thanks for reading! 


	19. I'm Faking

**Author's Note:** Many thanks to my beta Sentrosi and to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I can safely say now that there are four more chapters left. Happy reading!

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**Chapter 19**

**I'm Faking**

Sirius fell asleep with his head on the book. The next morning, he put it into his school bag and used every break to read it.

Paul was living on the streets now and he had no other choice but begging and stealing to survive. But he made sure never to steal from other poor people. He noticed that his senses were gradually changing: He could hear and smell things he had never heard or smelled before. His eyesight was becoming very good at night and, naturally, that helped tremendously as a thief. All the time, his inner wolf kept tormenting him, telling him that he was evil, a murderer and a thief.

During lunch break, Sirius was reading on a toilet how everything became too much for Paul. He could not live with his guilty conscience anymore and decided to end his life. He wanted to jump off a bridge. _Oh no, no, no, no, no_, Sirius thought, his heart hammering loudly. _He can't do that, he didn't do anything wrong, it was not him but the wolf who murdered Henrietta!_ But Paul was really convinced to commit suicide. Sirius could not take it any longer. He did not want to read it. He simply refused to turn the next page. It would be too horrible to read how such a young boy committed suicide. _What sort of cruel book is this?! _he asked himself angrily. _That shouldn't be allowed in a school library! The little kids will get nightmares from this for months! _

He stayed in the bathroom. He was not in a state to go to Charms now. He loudly slammed the book shut and was just about to drown it in the toilet when he realised something: The person who had written this book (Paul or whatever his name was) could not have committed suicide at the age of eleven. Otherwise he would not have been able to write the book. And there were still so many pages to come... Sirius almost laughed in relief. Paul would survive! He would _not_ commit suicide!

Quickly, he reopened the book and turned to the page where he had left. And, indeed, Paul did survive. It was Old Sam, the werewolf who had bitten him, who rescued him. He taught Paul everything he needed to know about werewolves: He taught him how to use his heightened werewolf senses, how to resist the pull of the moon and how to keep his inner wolf at bay. Paul and Sam spent the full moons together and it was easier to control their vicious nature like that.

One day, Sam confessed to Paul that it had been he who had bitten him. By that point, Sirius had already forgiven Sam for doing it. He had saved Paul from committing suicide, he had given Paul his self-respect back, and he was a warm-hearted and intelligent old man. It had been the wolf who had done it - the man Sam would never have willingly hurt the young child.

"_Paul," Sam said one day after another full moon night. "What do you remember about the night when you were bitten?"_

"_I was seven years old and I was in the forest together with my little brother and my best friend when it happened. The werewolf attacked my little brother and I had to save him..." I trailed off. I still missed my family but most of all my little brother Charley. It had been five years now since I had run away, and we had not seen again. I wondered how he would look like now, who his friends were..._

"_I have to tell you something," Sam interrupted my nostalgic thoughts. "Sit down, please."_

_His voice was unusually grave and I did as he told me and eyed him curiously. _

"_I've known you now for three years but I could never find the courage to tell you. But I feel that it is my duty to do so now. You are not a child anymore. You have a right to know." He took a deep breath and looked me straight in the eye when he said the next words. "It was I who bit you."_

_Strangely, I did not feel hate, anger or resentment. I just felt surprise. I had never known what had happened to the werewolf who had bitten me and I had secretly wondered if Aurors had caught him and brought him to Azkaban. I was relieved to see that was not the case. _

"_Paul, please believe me, I'm really sorry," Sam said in an uncharacteristically broken voice. "I never wanted to do this to you. I wish you could have grown up like any other normal child. I hated myself for what I had done to you. It was the one and only time I ever attacked someone during the full moon. You must understand that I was not stable that day because I had heard that hit wizards had attacked my ex-wife and tried to torture my whereabouts out of her. When I heard about it, I became so angry for what they had done to her and I wanted to go to her immediately and so I was completely taken unawares by the full moon. I'm sorry, Paul. I understand if you hate me now but please believe me that I didn't want it to happen."_

"_I do believe you," I reassured him, "and I would never hate you. I can understand your anger and your fear. I won't condemn you for it. I know it wasn't you. I hate the wolf and the full moon for what happened to me but I don't hate you."_

"_Thank you," Sam said softly and we shared a silent glance of deep understanding. _

Sirius smiled happily. He was so glad Paul and Sam had not got into a fight. Sam had always been so good to Paul. He had actually become his mentor and his surrogate father. He was caring and helpful and treated Paul like a father should treat his child. Not like that other evil man who had beaten Paul just because he had been so unlucky to be bitten by a werewolf.

At long last, Sirius noticed how much his bottom and his legs ached from sitting in this uncomfortable position on the toilet for such a long time. He got up, stretched, put the book back in his school bag and finally left the bathroom. Charms was over now anyway, so he went straight to dinner. He wolfed down his meal and quickly went back into Gryffindor Tower. Not bothering to do his homework, he went to bed at once to continue reading there. The next chapter was a very sad chapter. Sam, who was already really old, did not survive his werewolf transformation. His old body did not have the strength for it anymore. Paul, who was seventeen by now, was now alone again and his inner wolf returned. But he was strengthened by the time he had spent with Sam. He remembered his teachings and finally found the courage to get into town and socialise again.

When Sirius had arrived at that point, his four dorm mates entered the dormitory. Never before had he realised how much noise those four boys could make! Chris was babbling on and on about a certain girl who had agreed to go out with him the next Hogsmeade weekend, and Alex, Remus and Peter were complaining loudly about the amount of homework Professor McGonagall had given them. Really, was there nothing more important than homework?! How could anyone read properly if they were as loud as this?!

"Could you please be quiet!" Sirius shouted in annoyance.

"What, we're not allowed to speak up in our own dormitory?" Chris said sardonically.

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" Sirius exclaimed. Under his cloak, he clutched the book to his chest and stormed out of the dormitory. He needed to read in peace because he was so excited about the next chapter. While looking for work, Paul had met someone who looked oddly familiar to him, and Sirius was positive it was Charley, his little brother. He did not want to read about their reunion while Chris was fantasizing about boobs and Peter was coming up with ridiculously stupid ideas on transfigurations of the nervous system.

Sirius chose his favourite place, his shelter in Hogwarts: the Astronomy Tower, of course. As it was only the beginning of spring, it was still very cold up here but at least he had his cloak on this time. Besides, when he continued reading and the stranger really proved to be Charley and they had a wonderful reunion, Sirius completely forgot about the cold. He was too happy for the two brothers and he was also very triumphant that he had been right about the stranger's identity. Although Paul's parents still did not want to meet their son again, Paul was happy now. Charley could help him get a good job, and Paul felt like any other young man in town. He was so proud to earn his own money, finally buy his own little flat and then one day - he fell in love. The girl was his new colleague at work. She was very beautiful, intelligent and always helpful to everyone. Paul was so in love with her that he could hardly utter a word whenever he was near her but even though he behaved like a clumsy fool, she invited him to her birthday party.

Sirius grinned in anticipation. _This is it. He's going to give her such a lovely present and finally make his love declaration, and then she's going to tell him that she's always loved him too._

Unfortunately, he was wrong. Eve's (that was the girl's name) birthday party was at the night of the full moon. Paul was so devastated when she told him the date because, like Sirius, he had hoped that this would be his big chance. He apologized thousands of times because he could not come (he invented a story about his sister getting married that day) and then he suddenly had the great idea: He could invite her to dinner another evening to celebrate her birthday belatedly - and it would be just the two of them. _Perfect_. And she said yes!

By that point, Sirius's fingers had become so stiff from the cold that he could hardly turn the pages anymore. Reluctantly, he told himself that it was really time to get to bed now. He fully intended to continue reading there (he was sure the other boys would be sound asleep by now) but when he dropped down in bed, he was not even awake enough to get under his blanket.

The next day, he had a cold again. He was really glad he had to stay in the Hospital Wing because it meant he did not have to go to classes. And that meant he could read the whole day. He smuggled the book with him into the Hospital Wing and used every second to read it when Madam Pomfrey was not bustling around. He did not get very far, though, because his head felt a bit dizzy with the headache, the fever and the Pepperup Potions, and the letters were blurring in front of his eyes. The next morning, however, he felt completely healthy and his head was clear again. Nevertheless, he hexed himself in order to gain a high temperature every time Madam Pomfrey had used a Cooling Charm on him and had disappeared. The poor woman was already getting worried about his unusually permanent and always recurring high temperatures. But it meant Sirius could read in peace and did not have to go to Transfiguration (he did not have his homework anyway) and Muggle Studies.

There was just one thing he had not taken into consideration in his plan: Last night had been the full moon. So, shortly before noon, Madam Pomfrey supported a severely injured Remus into the Hospital Wing. Sirius hastily hid the book under his bed sheets and tried to look unaffected. That was really difficult because Remus looked really bad. Of course Sirius had read all about it and often it had sounded much worse but now was the first time that he actually _seen_ a werewolf after the transformation.

Madam Pomfrey had draped a blanket over Remus's shoulders. The clothes beneath it were heavily torn and dirty. Blood was smeared everywhere. There was a long, already halfway healed gash which went from right under Remus's left eye to the base of his neck.

Sirius gulped. _Oh fuck, what if he had clawed into his own eye and was blind on one eye now?_

Remus's eyes were bloodshot and he looked extremely exhausted. But when he noticed Sirius sitting in a bed nearby and watching him, he suddenly looked alerted, maybe even _scared_. Madam Pomfrey had much the same expression on her face.

"Er, right. Sirius, you won't believe it but your classmate really was stupid enough to run into the Whomping Willow," she said in a falsely cheerful voice. "I keep telling people not to get too near to that vicious tree but no one listens to me. Well, here you can see what happens if-"

"He knows," Remus told her quietly.

"Oh." She gave Sirius an odd look but then she actually _smiled_ at him. Sirius grinned sheepishly back.

"Come on, dear." Madam Pomfrey ushered Remus towards the bed next to Sirius's. "Well, lie down now." Remus obeyed and she bent over him to examine his bruises, cuts and scratches. Sirius watched with curiosity how she tipped her wand on some minor scratches which disappeared quickly. Other wounds, however, could not be healed so quickly. She had to use disinfectant and bandage them. Remus flinched and winced a few times but apart from that, he acted much like this was routine to him. When Madam Pomfrey was finished with treating his wounds, she handed him six glasses of different potions.

"Thank you," Remus croaked, leant back in his cushions and drank the first potion.

"Very well then. You two are friends, aren't you?" When Sirius and Remus just made noncommittal noises of 'Er...' and 'Um...' Madam Pomfrey continued. "So I won't bother with placing a privacy screen between you. But, Sirius, don't talk to him too much, okay? He needs rest. If I find you distracting him from sleeping, I will place a screen between you. Understand?"

Sirius nodded. Then, unfortunately, Madam Pomfrey went away and left the two of them the only occupants of the Hospital Wing. Sirius watched in silence how Remus forced the third potion down. Judging by Remus's expression, it must have tasted terrible.

"Do you mind stopping staring at me?" Remus said, still in a hoarse voice, and placed the empty glass with a _clink_ on his bedside table.

Sirius quickly averted his gaze and stared straight forward at the medicine cupboard instead. A thick silence hung between them. The only sound that could be heard was Remus gulping down his potions and the occasional rustling of bed sheets.

"How was your transformation?" Sirius asked abruptly. He did not turn his head to look at Remus but he knew Remus would tense up now again.

"Nice," came finally the hollow answer.

"Hm. I thought so."

There was another long pause and Sirius cursed Madam Pomfrey for not placing the privacy screen between them. Then he could at least have moved freely.

"I didn't attack or kill anyone or eat anything last night," Remus said and his voice sounded still oddly hoarse. _Probably from howling so much_, Sirius thought. "The blood was -"

"Your own blood," Sirius interrupted him, "because you bit yourself because there was no one you could attack and the wolf wanted to taste blood."

"Oh." Remus sounded mildly surprised. "Yes."

_Great, at least I __finally learned something correct from all the books_, Sirius thought.

"I will... just place the screen here... okay?" Remus said and awkwardly scrambled out of his bed. He had a bad limp and simply walking already cost him a great effort.

"Oh, stop this." Sirius quickly jumped out of his bed. "Get back into bed. I can do this."

"Don't treat me like this, Sirius," Remus said in a strained voice. "You don't have to mother me now. I can very well cope on my own."

"Yeah, I'm sure you can. It's just - you're limping and I'm not. You see, you can push screens around the whole next month if you want to, but not today, okay?"

Remus rolled his eyes. He stubbornly continued hobbling towards the privacy screen instead of getting into bed. At long last, Sirius had had enough of it. He grabbed Remus's arm and ushered him back towards his bed. Remus hissed in pain and shoved Sirius's hand away. Sirius flinched. He must have pressed his fingers into one of Remus's many wounds.

"Sorry," Sirius said lamely. He seized his wand and quickly shot a Healing Charm at Remus's arm. Unfortunately, it did not have the desired effect. Remus's arm twitched slightly, he gave a little cry of pain and quickly bit his lip. "Shit," Remus muttered. He was clutching his arm to his chest and his eyes were watering. "You shouldn't experiment on people if you can't do the charms properly," he told Sirius in irritation. "And just so you know – if you think I'm not a person: Well, animal testing is pretty cruel too, don't you think?"

"Whoa, what - ?" Sirius stared at Remus with indignation. "What happened to you? You're all bad-tempered and you're jumping to conclusions and…"

"Probably my post-full-moon-aggressiveness," Remus said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You know what? I'm starting to think all those books _were_ right about that," Sirius replied angrily. "I was only trying to help but you accuse me of all kinds of things. Just..." He shrugged helplessly, ignored Remus and marched towards the screen, seized it and pulled it between their beds. Meanwhile, Remus had finally lain down again, had turned his back to Sirius and pulled his blanket up to his nose.

Sighing inwardly, Sirius lay down too and fished _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ out of the bed sheets.

He read about Paul and Eve's first date in a cheap restaurant. Paul had given her a necklace with a little ruby for her birthday. She had absolutely loved it, they had gotten along very fine the whole evening and now was the time for Paul to finally confess his love to her. But Paul was hesitant. He doubted that a werewolf could ever find love.

_Oh, don't be stupid_, Sirius mentally chided him. _You're just a really nice guy. Why should she reject you? She would be stupid to do so. And besides, she doesn't know yet that you're a werewolf._

Paul needed several more dates until he could finally find the courage to admit his feelings to her. Sirius did not doubt for a moment that Eve would return his feelings but, all the same, he was excited about it.

"_Eve, wait!" I called her back when she had just turned to leave after we had said goodbye._

_She stopped at once and looked expectantly at me. "Yes?"_

"_I... I need to tell you something," I said nervously. My heart beat loudly and I could hardly think clearly._

"_Yes?" she said softly and stepped closer towards me. Our nearness was almost too much for me. I could smell her sweet scent of honey _(Sirius pulled a face. Urgh, honey...)_ and raspberry. _

_**Hm, delicious**__, I heard a growl in my head I had not heard for weeks. _

'_Shut up,' I told the wolf. 'Don't interrupt me now on the most important day of my life.'_

_**Come on, just kiss her. You want to taste her, don't you? Look at her lips... so full, so red, so delicious... Kiss her.**_

_I could not control myself any longer. I lifted a hand to stroke her soft cheek and then I bent forwards to devour her lips. _

_Ha!_ Sirius rejoiced. _Well done._

_I sighed in bliss when I finally tasted her on my lips and tongue. She tasted even better than I had ever imagined and I knew I would never grow tired of kissing her. I hungrily kissed her with all the passion I had. But suddenly, my human mind regained control of my delirious senses. What was I doing?! I quickly pulled back and stared at her in horror. _

"_I'm sorry," I whispered. "I'm sorry, Eve. I don't know what possessed me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. Please forgive me."_

"_I forgive you," Eve said softly, "but only if you kiss me again."_

_Lost for words, I questioningly looked at her. She smiled and that smile was enough to make me forget everything else in the world. _

"_I love you, Paul," she whispered, leant forwards and gently placed her lips on mine. The kiss was sweet, tender and at the same time passionate. We kissed again and again until we were both out of breath._

"_You love me?" I finally asked with the uncertainty of a little, frightened boy._

"_Of course I do," Eve said and smiled her captivating smile again. _

_I did not know what to say. It was too good to be true. Eve, this wonderful, sweet, beautiful woman was in love with me, a werewolf, a monster, despised by everyone else? Why would someone like her fall in love with someone like me?_

Sirius rolled his eyes. Why didn't Paul get it that love was not about looks and fame but just about love - nothing more, nothing less. Merlin, it was so _obvious_ Eve was in love with him, didn't he see that?!

_So I said the only words that came into my mind: "I love you too. I truly, deeply love you, Eve. To me, you are the most beautiful and the kindest woman in the world, you are -"_

_But I didn't get very far because she silenced me with another kiss._

Contented with the course of events, Sirius read on. Eve and Paul got closer and closer. The bond of love they shared grew deeper with each passing day. Soon they decided to get engaged. There was just one thing that bothered Paul: He still had not told her that he was a werewolf. He was too afraid that she would then leave him too - and loathe him like his parents or his former best friend did. _Don't worry so much_, Sirius told him, _She loves you and she wouldn't leave you just because you're a werewolf. She told you she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, remember? She's not like the others._

Finally, Paul decided to tell her on the day before their engagement.

_I had to tell her. If I really loved her, I had to tell her. She had a right to know. We wanted to engage and eventually marry - I could not keep it a secret any longer. It would be like betraying her. Eve deserved to know the truth about me. It would be unthinkable to let her marry a werewolf without even knowing she did it. It should be her decision. _

_The logic in it was incontrovertible. But that did not change the fact that I was afraid - more afraid than ever in my life. Telling her that I was a werewolf seemed worse than confronting that werewolf when I was still a seven-year-old boy. I could not sleep the whole week before it. I drowned in the fear of her rejection of me. I knew I would not be able to take that. Eve was the most important person in my life. No, she was more than that: She was my life._

_All the times I had been rejected for my lycanthropy played painfully in my mind again. _

_My mother telling my little brother not to be too close to a werewolf…__'__Charley, get away from him!'_

_My best friend telling me he could not play with me anymore… 'My parents forbid me to play with a werewolf.'_

_My father accusing me of being a monster and beating me for it… '__How dare you, you __**monster**__! Haven't you brought enough shame on our family?! I can't believe it - my son: an animal!'_

_Everyone close to me had left me when they had found out. Would Eve do the same?_

_The evening before our engagement, we sat together on a hill looking down at Stonehenge, where our __bonding ceremony tomorrow would take place. The sun was already low and bathed everything in a warm, orange light. I knew this was the time. I had to tell her. Now._

Sirius smiled in anticipation. It would be a sweet scene. Eve would tell him that she did not care that he was a werewolf because she loved him so much, and then they would kiss and it would be the happiest day of Paul's live.

"_Eve, you do love me, don't you?" I started hesitantly._

"_Of course I do," she said, giving me a confused look. "What makes you think otherwise?"_

"_And would you always love me - no matter what?"_

"_Hey, of course I will," she said gently and took my hand in hers. "I want to marry you and I want to be together with you, forever."_

"_Thank you," I whispered, fighting back my tears. She was so beautiful here in the light of the setting sun. I could never bear to lose her. "Eve, there is something important you need to know about me before we get engaged."_

"_Tell me then," she whispered, leaning her head against my shoulder. Her breath was so warm and comforting on my skin. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I love you and nothing can ever change that."_

_Encouraged by her words, I continued. "First of all, I want you to know that I love you. I love you more than words can tell. No matter who or what I am - my love for you is real. I know there are things I have kept from you. I know I should have told you earlier and I beg for your forgiveness for that. I only did it because I loved you so much and I was so afraid to lose your love. But you should know my secret now before we get engaged. You should know, before you say the words 'I do', that I am... that I am a werewolf." I had said the last words in a whisper. I could not look at her. I was too afraid to see the disgust written on her face. You think you need bravery to fight monsters, whole armies or to go into haunted castles at night? Right now, I would have preferred fighting against a whole army of monsters in a haunted castle at night. Looking her in the eyes required much more bravery than that. _

_She had stood up. She was backing away from me. There was a look of horror on her face. "You're a werewolf?" she said in disbelief. "I - I can't believe it! You're a werewolf, a monster, a half-breed! I can't believe it, that's... disgusting! And I wanted to marry you - I must have been mad! Paul White, this is the last time I will have ever spoken to you! I never want to see you again! You can cancel our engagement! I hate you!" With that, she turned around and quickly left, almost fled from me._

"You bitch!" Sirius hissed.

"Excuse me?"

Remus's voice from behind the privacy screen brought him back to reality. He was still so indignant at Eve's reaction that he needed some time to recover his voice.

"Er, not you," he muttered. "I was..." _...speaking to a book? How crazy is that?_ "...speaking to a chocolate frog. It jumped away and then I accidentally sat down on it and now there's chocolate smeared all over the blanket."

"You might use a Cleaning Charm," Remus suggested.

"Er, yes. Good idea. _Scourgify_!" Sirius added for reasons of credibility. "It worked," he informed Remus. "I thought you were sleeping?"

"I can't sleep," Remus said simply.

"I see." _Because of me? Can't you relax because you know I'm here?_ "I'm leaving," Sirius declared because he did not want Remus not to rest because of him. He hid the book inside his cloak again and quickly left the Hospital Wing.

"What's wrong with you?" Remus suddenly addressed him when he was halfway through the door.

"Huh?" Sirius stopped abruptly and turned around to face Remus, who sat in his bed and was reading his Transfiguration textbook. "What should be wrong with me?"

"Well, why are you here? Were you cursed or what?"

"Oh." Sirius quickly looked around but Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen. "I'm faking," he told Remus quietly.

Remus frowned slightly. "Why?"

"Because I didn't complete my homework for Transfiguration."

Sirius thought he saw the ghost of a smile on Remus's lips. Apprehensively, he stared at Remus. _If you smile now, I will smile back_. But Remus did not smile. It annoyed Sirius a bit because normally Remus always smiled nowadays. Whenever someone addressed him, it would be like they had switched on the smile-button. However, mostly the smile vanished just as quickly when said person had turned around again.

"Why're you working?" Sirius gestured towards the textbook in Remus's lap. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"I have to catch up with stuff," Remus explained impassively. "It's not like the essay for Transfiguration will write itself while I'm resting."

"You can copy mine," Sirius offered on the spur of the moment. Of course he had not written his essay yet but he could quickly do it during the time Remus stayed in the Hospital Wing.

Remus raised his eyebrows. "I thought you had not done your homework yet."

_Damn __it._ "Well, I can do it today," he said nonchalantly.

"Thank you for the offer," Remus said politely, "but I'd rather do it myself. There's a reason for such a thing as homework. You're meant to learn something by doing it, and I'm not really good at Transfiguration anyway, so it would be better if I did my homework myself."

"Okay." _Okay, okay, I got it. You don't want my help. _"Well, bye then."

"Bye."

When Sirius had his hand on the door handle, Remus called him back.

"Sirius?"

Sirius immediately turned around. "Yes?" he asked breathlessly.

"Sorry for snapping at you earlier," Remus said somewhat stiffly.

"Oh. That's alright," Sirius said uneasily. "I'm sorry, too. For… the bad Healing Charm."

Remus forced a thin smile. "That's okay. It doesn't hurt anymore. I guess it helped, though in a rather painful way."

Sirius tried to grin but he supposed it looked more like a strained grimace. "Glad to hear that. Well… Bye then."

"Bye."

Sirius hurriedly walked back into Gryffindor Tower. The thoughts were racing in his head. The conversation with Remus... Remus, heavily injured by his own bites... and, again and again, Eve, who had left Paul because he was a werewolf. He could not believe she had done that! He had been so sure she had really loved him. Didn't she see how brave it was of Paul to tell her that he was a werewolf? Didn't she understand how much of an effort it had cost him? Didn't she realise he had told her _because_ he loved her so much? Didn't she realise that he had kept it secret for so long for the same reason? And, most importantly, didn't she see how much she had hurt him with her reaction and her harsh and unfair words? She had probably no idea what she had done to him. How would he ever be able to fall in love with anyone again? How would he be able to _trust_ anyone again or to even get close to anyone at all? She had shattered all his hopes.

_Stupid bitch, you were his only chance of ever finding love! You ruined it! It's hard enough for a werewolf to trust in anyone and you betrayed his trust! You were his one and only love!_

Eve did not deserve Paul. He was such a good guy but she... she was vain and disloyal! Sirius refused to consider the implications of his observations. He knew things had been different with him and Remus. Completely, entirely, totally different. You could not compare these two situations. Not at all. Not in the slightest bit.

"Shit," he whispered miserably and buried his head in his hands. _It was different with us, wasn't it, Remus? It was not as bad as in the book, right? You don't feel as bad as Paul… right??!_


	20. I Miss You Every Day

**Author's Note:** You're really spoiling me with all your lovely reviews ;-) Many thanks to everyone who reviewed, and special thanks to Sentrosi for beta-reading!!!

* * *

**Chapter 20**

**I Miss You Every Day**

Sirius did not want to continue reading the book. He knew the next chapters would be depressing. He was sure Paul would not be able to cope with the loss of his love. Maybe he would even try to commit suicide again...

Well, Sirius could not read now anyway because he had to do his Transfiguration homework. He had told Remus he would do it today and if he stood there without his homework, he would end up looking pretty stupid. It was hard to focus on such boring things as _The Pros and Cons of the Manipulation of a Whale's Nervous System_ while his mind was with poor, lonely Paul all the time.

At long last, he had a hastily produced, poorly-written essay. That would do. At least he had done his homework - even if the essay was rubbish. He disappeared behind the curtains of his four-poster bed again. As always, Remus had placed four Sickles on Sirius's bedside locker. Somehow, it made Sirius really angry. He quickly took out quill and parchment and scribbled a note for Remus.

_I don't want and I don't need the money!_

_Keep it!!!_

_Sirius!_

He placed it together with the four Sickles on Remus's bedside table, and then he could finally continue with his book. Although he did not want to read about the terrible aftermath of Eve's rejection of Paul, he could not simply put the book aside. He _needed_ to know what happened next. It was like an addiction.

Several times, Sirius had to firmly shut the book, bite back the tears and force his mind back to the present. He simply refused to cry because of a book. It was stupid and pathetic. That was why he sometimes needed breaks because otherwise he would become too engaged in the story.

He had been totally right about it: Paul withdrew himself from everyone else, he did not have friends anymore and hardly spoke to anyone at all, not even to his little brother Charley. Eve got together with his former friend Toby, who had become a rich and influential man in town. Obviously she had spread the news about his lycanthropy and soon everyone knew about him. He was immediately fired from his work, people spat at him and called him names and people avoided him wherever he went.

That was the time when he started drinking. His landlord had thrown him out of his house and he did not find another flat - so he lived in the streets again and slept under bridges or on park benches. One day, when he was heavily drunk again, he got caught in the clutches of a criminal gang of other outcasts of wizarding society. He had to steal again and sometimes he was even expected to do worse things. He tried to avoid such jobs but his inner wolf was taking over again. Sometimes it would control him for hours.

Once, he almost became a murderer in his human form too. He met Toby, the man who had stolen his love from him and who was responsible for his current situation. He could feel the anger building in him, and his inner wolf kept whispering to take revenge. It tried to tell him that his anger was justified, that he had a right to eliminate this evil man. It tried to flatter him. How nice it would feel to kill that conceited bloke... But just as he had already raised his knife to attack, his human mind won over and he realised what he had almost done.

He ran away from the criminal gang and found shelter with Charley. His brother helped him find his balance again but the wolf still lamented the loss of his love. Transformations were pretty rough nowadays and the feeling that a part of him was missing did not go away.

Sirius became so depressed by it that he behaved just like Paul: He avoided other people's company, he did not want to speak to anyone, he did not feel like laughing and he could hardly think about anything else but the sad loss. He did not feel like going outside and playing Quidditch either, or like hexing Snivellus or any of the other Slytherins. He was not even looking forward to the next Hogsmeade weekend. He briefly thought about writing a letter to James but when he sat in front of the empty parchment, he could not find the words to tell how he was feeling. Merlin, he himself did not even know how he was feeling - so how was he supposed to _write _it down?

When Remus came back from the Hospital Wing, Sirius found the four Sickles and a note on his bedside locker again.

_I want and I need to pay you for the telescope._

_Please take the money._

_Remus._

That did nothing to elevate Sirius's spirits. With a very bad conscience, he watched Remus tutor younger students to get his meager payment for it. Nonetheless, Remus seemed to enjoy studying with the younger students. He got along well with them and they really seemed grateful for his help. But in Sirius's opinion, Remus spent too much time with studying. It did not do him any good. He did not need people to have serious discussions on classes with - he needed someone to cheer him up, to make him laugh, to have fun with.

Sirius needed a longer book. There were only twenty pages of _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ left and, frankly, he had no idea what to do when he had read it through. He saved himself the last pages for another evening at the Astronomy Tower, where he could read them in peace. He did not want to be disturbed while reading the ending.

Paul had decided to emigrate. He wanted to go to South Africa, get a new identity and start a new life.

_As I had never learned how to apparate, Charley had arranged for a journey with several Portkeys. The first one would take me to mainland Europe. Deep in thought, I gazed down at the old coke tin. To me, it meant freedom. But it also meant loneliness. Of course, I had often been lonely before but there had always been someone: My family, my friend Toby, Henrietta, Old Sam, Charley and Eve. Eve... I tightly pressed my eyes shut. I would leave her behind like I left everything else behind. There was only one who would come along with me: my inner wolf. Oh, how I wished I could leave him behind, too! _

_I checked the time on my watch again. Twenty more seconds... Slowly, I reached out towards the Portkey. This was it. The end. 'Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, England.' Seven more seconds. I put my right hand on the coke tin. Five more seconds and I would feel the pull of the Portkey._

"_Wait!" someone suddenly shouted loudly._

_I would have recognised the voice among thousands. I smelled the scent of honey and raspberry. Quickly, I turned around to see Eve running towards me._

Sirius almost squealed in excitement. Eve had come to stop Paul from leaving! Oh, what would she tell him? Sirius could hardly sit still. Being so agitated, his hands were shaking so much that he almost ripped the pages out of the book when turning them.

_The breath caught in my throat. Why had she come? I stared at her beautiful but worried face, her long, soft hair and her cheeks, which were flushed a light pink from running. I needed all my self-control to stop my inner wolf from growling. He wanted to lunge at her and kiss those sweet lips again. Her smell and the nearness of her were intoxicating. Then I realised that I had missed the Portkey. It was the excitement of seeing her again. Toby had not come with her - it __was just the two of us. It was too late now. I could not leave anymore. My chance of starting a new life had passed. _

"_Eve," I finally said in a low voice, "what are you doing here?" For a long time, we just silently looked at each other, marking out the so familiar form of each other. _

_At long last, Eve spoke. "I left Toby."_

_My heart jumped in my chest at hearing that. Did it mean there was still a chance for us? "Why?" I whispered._

"_I realised that I don't love him," Eve said in a small voice. "He did so many wrong things. He said so many wrong things about __**you**__." _

_I tried to tell myself that I should not hope, that my hopes would only be shattered again and it would be all the more painful. I must not commit the same mistake twice. _

"_Paul... I have come to tell you something. I have to apologise to you. I was so wrong to treat you the way I did. Instead of rewarding your courage of telling me about your lycanthropy, I rejected you for it, for something which is not your fault at all. I know now you never wanted to be a werewolf. I understand that there is a difference between you - the man - and the wolf. I know that you cannot control what the wolf does. And I also know that it does not matter if you're a werewolf. I love you and nothing can stop me from doing so. I love you, Paul White, __**you**__, the man, not the wolf. You are not the beast - you are still the same person, the same kind, helpful, strong, caring man I fell in love with, and even the full moon cannot transform my love for you into something else. I beg for your forgiveness for all the terrible things I accused you of. I'm so sorry I called you a half-breed. You're probably more human than I am because you never hurt someone so much. I don't hate you. It was my fear that made me say those things. Please give me a chance to love you again. I have come to understand that I cannot live with anyone else. I tried to love someone else but it did not work because all the time my heart only belonged to you and it always will. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I know things will not always be easy between us, not after the things I did to you. I know I've destroyed your life. I have heard what happened to you during the last years, and I can assure you: nothing of it is your fault."_

_She paused and took a step towards me. Her eyes were pleading with me to listen to her, to give her – us – a new chance. "Let me help you fight your inner wolf. Let me be there for you after your transformations. I want to be the one to heal your wounds. I want to be the one to embrace you when the shine of the moon calls you. The deepest regret in my life is letting you go. The last two years were devastating. Every time I looked at the moon, I had to think of you. Every time I kissed Toby, I had to think of our kisses. Every time he told me he loved me, I had to think of what should have been between us. I could think of nothing else but you because I love you so much and I missed you every day. I don't want to go through it again. Please come back to me. I hope that we can still marry, have children and get old together. Please don't leave. It would destroy me."_

By that time, the tears were running freely down Sirius's cheeks. He was too happy for Paul and Eve to remember that it was stupid and pathetic to cry over a book, and that Madam Pince would freak out when she saw that there were tearstains all over one of her precious book. He could not stop the tears from falling any more than he could stop reading. Again and again, he had to wipe his eyes because the letters were blurring.

_I could not believe what I was hearing. It was too good to be true. Eve did not hate me anymore? She still loved me? She still wanted to marry me and stay with me for the rest of my life? Earlier, I had sometimes wondered how anyone like her could fall in love with someone like me. Now, I wondered about it even more. She knew I was a werewolf and nonetheless... _

_I could feel something warm spreading through my body. Now I could finally embrace the feelings again, which I had denied myself for so long. Something inside me crumbled. My inner wolf kept quiet and did not speak up the slightest bit. I felt strangely free. _

_Encouraged, I looked up at her, looked into her beautiful dark blue eyes. What I saw there almost made my knees give away. Uncertainty, guilt, and, most of all, unconditional love. All caution forgotten, I moved forward and wrapped my arms around her lithe frame. My lips found her lips easily. Everything about the kiss felt so familiar - her taste, her sweet smell, her soft lips - and yet we had never kissed like this before. There had never been this honesty and tender love before. Many bad things had happened between us but that was the past. The future would be good, even better than our time before I decided to tell Eve about my lycanthropy. And best of all was the present. We stayed there like that for a very long time, kissing each other again and again and thus telling the other how much we loved them. Words were no longer necessary_

_One week later, we were married. If I had thought things could not get any better, I had been mistaken. It was the happiest day of my life and somewhere in the crowd of the wedding guests were my parents. At first, I was afraid but then they congratulated me awkwardly and we shook hands. I saw tears in my mother's eyes, and my father smiled tentatively at me. I had tears in my eyes and was smiling too. _

_Since then, we have slowly reestablished our family bond. Not everything is easy. There is still so much bitterness between us. But I have Eve and I know she will support me in everything. She has kept her promise. She is with me before the transformation, protecting me with her love against the pull of the full moon. She is there for me after the transformation, healing my self-inflicted wounds and bruises. Since I have been together with Eve again, I have been able to control my inner wolf. With her, I am just Paul White: a man who is madly in love with his wife. _

Wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his cloak, Sirius smiled happily. What a wonderful ending! Paul so deserved to be happy. And Eve had _finally_ understood that it did not matter that he was a werewolf. Fortunately, she had arrived just in time to stop Paul from emigrating. Five seconds... just five seconds and it would have been too late. They would have never reconciled. They could be really lucky. Sirius sighed deeply in relief. After so many depressing and gloomy chapters, this ending was simply perfect. He turned back a few pages and, because he had liked it so much, read it again.

_I checked the time on my watch again. Twenty more seconds... Slowly, I reached out towards the Portkey. This was it. The end. 'Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, England.' Seven more seconds. I put my right hand on the coke tin. Five more seconds and I would feel the pull of the Portkey._

"_Wait!" someone suddenly shouted loudly._

Sirius grinned in anticipation. _Ah, she's coming now!_

When he had finished reading about Paul and Eve's happy reunion for the second time, he skimmed through the book a little longer and reread other passages. But only the happy ones. He did not feel like going back inside already. It was nice here on the Astronomy Tower. He felt like he could be himself here. He could read his book in peace, he could look down at the Forbidden Forest, where the broad-leaved trees grew their first new, light-green leaves. It smelled of spring. It was not very warm yet but there was the promise of warmer days to come very soon.

Sirius sighed wistfully. It would be nice to have James here again. At the next Hogsmeade weekend, they could go to Zonko's to buy new joke items. They could jump down from the Astronomy Tower with their brooms. Sirius felt very lonely without his friend. _Damn you, James Potter. Why did you have to leave me just for your stupid Quidditch?_ But all Sirius had now was the book. Oddly, it seemed like his book was his most loyal friend.

Deciding it was time to send a letter to James again, Sirius took quill and parchment out of his school bag, leant against the parapet and began writing.

_Hi James!_

_I hope you are fine. I am a bit better than the last times I wrote to you. McG. is not after my blood anymore and so I can move around a bit more freely. I read a book. Yes, not a joke. I really read a book. You see how ultimately bored I am??? It's high time you come back to save me from reading! You see, I need someone to pull pranks with. Lately, I've run out of ideas. If you have any idea for a Marauder Prank, feel free to tell me! Did I tell you that Remus and I got into a fight? We had really become good friends and I had thought he could become the fourth Marauder but then - bang! It was a really nasty fight. Not with wands, though. Just words. Actually, it was mostly my fault and I said some really bad things. I feel stupid now and I want to become friends with him again (after all, there's hardly anyone nice left since you went away!) But I have no idea what to do because the things I said were that bad that you can't just forget them, you know? _

Sirius sighed again. He was not good at saying sorry. He hated doing it. Every time he and James had gotten into a fight (it had only been little fights about irrelevant things - never as dramatic as the _thing _with Remus), they had simply waited a day or a few hours until they had both calmed down, and then they had behaved as if nothing had happened and they had been best friends again. Oh, how Sirius missed those days!

_I think you should really come back, James, because I'm sure you would come up with a good prank to reconcile again. So... what else happened here? I know you're NOT in love with Lily Evans but I thought I should inform you that she agreed to go with a Ravenclaw bloke to Hogsmeade next weekend. He's really good-looking, brilliant at school, really funny and he's the best Quidditch player at Hogwarts. Maybe you should come back, __and then he'd only be the second best player._

Sirius paused for a moment. No, this was not right. He would not lie to his best friend. He used a Vanishing Spell on the last two sentences and rewrote them.

_I don't really know him. I guess he's one of those boring, studious Ravenclaws. He's in the Ravenclaw Quidditch team but he's not really that good. Okay, we lost our last match against Ravenclaw but I managed to hit him twice with a Bludger. Maybe Evans has given up on you now that you're away, she probably thinks you'll get famous and marry another famous player from the Holyhead Harpies, and that's why she agreed to go with the Ravenclaw. In two weeks, there will be the match between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. If Ravenclaw wins, our chances of winning the Cup are over. I still can't decide whether I want Ravenclaw or Slytherin to win. I simply can't be happy if Slytherin wins. That would be against every principle of mine. _

_See you,_

_Sirius._

_PS: Of course I was only joking when I said you should come back. Although it would be nice if we could hex Snivellus together again, I know that the Quidditch Academy is your BIG CHANCE. Of course I wish you good luck with it! I would be a lousy friend if I didn't right?_

The last lines were a lie but Sirius did not want to lose James as his friend too just because he was such a lousy and selfish friend who could not grudge James his luck, and wanted to have him for himself. Sadly, Sirius packed his things and went into the Owlery to send Richard II away with the letter.

"You've had a lot to do lately, don't you?" Sirius sympathetically patted the owl's head. "It's all James's fault. If he hadn't gone to that stupid Quidditch Academy, you would've been able to continue your lazy life with nothing to do but eating. But I don't understand how you've been able to stand such a boring life. Actually, until now, I never had any idea how _boring_ life could be. It's almost as bad as those family gatherings when Ambrosius Malfoy gives his long talk and explains for the umpteenth time his family tree." Sirius ruffled Richard's feathers affectionately and then shooed him away.

Slowly, Sirius walked back into the Gryffindor common room. All the while, he was wondering how to spend the next weekend - Saturday was the Hogsmeade trip and Sunday was the Easter holiday - and he was also wondering what to do about the situation with Remus. He briefly toyed with the idea of writing a letter in which he said sorry. It would still be hard to do it but it would be much easier than directly admitting being wrong .But he quickly dismissed that thought. That would be cowardice and he was a brave Gryffindor, right?

_I guess bravery is not about such things, otherwise the Sorting Hat wouldn't have placed me in Gryffindor_, Sirius thought moodily. Besides - whatever he said, it would never be enough to make up for all the other things he had said. And he knew he was not good with words. He could never say things like Eve had said to Paul. Sirius would again say something wrong and make things only worse.

In the common room, there was a memo waiting for him. Madam Pince had sent him an admonition because he had not returned _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ in time. He had to pay a fine and if he did not bring the book back within the next three days, his fine would increase dramatically and if, after the second admonition, he still had not returned it, there were going to be "worse consequences". Sirius had given Peter five Sickles, which he was meant to give to Madam Pince to pay the fine. But he kept the book. He could not simply return it to be placed in just another dusty shelf in the library. It felt wrong to put it back there where no one was going to read it anyway. The idea that other people did read it but did _not_ shake and smile and cry over it like Sirius had done, was even worse. Besides, Sirius _wanted_ to keep the book. He wanted to reread certain chapters (and especially the last one) at night when he could not fall asleep.


	21. You Can't Buy Friendship

**Author's Note:** Hello everyone! Took me a little longer to update this chapter - but the final two chapters shouldn't take so long again. Sorry also for being so late with replying to your reviews. I lost a bit track of them, I was so convinced I had already sent the replies for that chapter... Many thanks to everyone I didn't already thank personally. Your feedback is very much appreciated! I hope you still remember what happened in the other chapters...

Warning: A bit of vulgar language in this chapter.

And something else I'd like to mention: The girl in this chapter is _not _a Mary Sue, nothing to worry. She will neither fall in love with Sirius nor with Remus. She's _not_ an OC either, because she's Hestia Jones who's briefly mentioned in Order of the Phoenix ;-)

* * *

**Chapter 21**

**You Can't Buy Friendship**

Saturday morning before the Hogsmeade trip, a letter from James arrived. Sirius skipped breakfast to read it in peace.

_Hi Sirius!_

_Don't feel too bad, sometimes I miss the old Marauder-Days too. Here, the other students are sometimes a bit boring and they regard you as someone inferior because you don't have the latest Quidditch cloak yet. Yes, I KNOW it's a really good cloak BUT I already spent __FORTUNES on the new ball set they said I had to buy. I wish my parents would give me more pocket money. They have enough money but, no, they say that the fees for the Academy are much too high and they don't want to "spoil" me and if I'm unhappy here, I should go back to Hogwarts. It's so unfair! Of course I'm happy here and they know very well that I would never let such a big chance pass. I mean, it's so great that they accepted me here after all the hard tests etc. I would be stupid to give it up! I'd rather do all sorts of jobs to earn the money for the cloak. (And that's really what I'm doing: I'm cutting the grass on the Quidditch pitch, I organise the training schedules, I clean the changing rooms...urgh!) I'm getting there, only ten Galleons left. (And I just don't understand why anyone in their right mind would spend eighteen Galleons for CLOTHES!) _

_So Evans is going out with a Ravenclaw? Why would anyone be interested in a Ravenclaw? I mean, everyone knows Ravenclaws are utterly boring rule-abiding-spoilsport-nerds. Is she really going out with him or are they just going to Hogsmeade together because they want to study together or something like that? What do you mean, she's given up on me? Do you mean to say that she's ever been interested in me? Don't get the wrong ideas, here are many good-looking girls. They're really sporty and they all like me because I'm not as conceited as some other idiots here. _

_I didn't know you and Remus were such good friends that you wanted him to become a Marauder. What was so horrible that can't be forgotten after a nice prank? If Remus really is a worthy Marauder, a prank is definitely the right thing to reconcile. Why don't you do something on Easter? Seems the perfect time for a good prank! Turn the Slytherins' cream eggs into rotten eggs, for example. Or make Flobberworms hatch out of them. All the girls are going to scream if they see the ugly worms!_

_See you hopefully in the summer holidays,_

_James._

_PS: Don't you read too much! Otherwise I won't be able to recognise the bookworm who claims he's my best-friend-Marauder-Sirius! _

Sirius grinned slightly. James's letters always cheered him up, no matter how pointless they were. Not in love with Evans, not at all, sure... And _so_ many other girls who were interested in him. Even if they were, he certainly would not be interested in them. Sirius had to admit James's Easter Prank ideas were intriguing. But probably not the right thing to placate Remus. No, if just the Slytherins were the victims of Sirius's prank, Remus would not be happy. If it was something which frightened or degraded people, or was too cruel, Remus would not be happy either.

_Okay, what I need is a prank which is funny but does not make fun of anyone. Actually, everyone should be happy. But why should people be happy if you play pranks? Normally, a prank includes laughing at __someone; otherwise it wouldn't be a prank, right? _This was definitely going to be difficult... Whatever, he had to go to Zonko's. Maybe he would find something suitable there.

It was a nice day, the spring sun was shining warmly and you could already wear your summer cloaks. It was the first time that Sirius wandered down the road alone on a Hogsmeade weekend. It was a strange feeling. Usually, he used to go here together with James and Peter, sometimes accompanied by Chris and Alex or several more people. But never alone. Hogsmeade weekends were the time to have fun _together_. Sirius took a look around. Before and behind him were groups of chattering friends, couples holding hands, groups of Gryffindors and Slytherins yelling insults at each other, people discussing their homework, Quidditch, Easter parties, where to go in Hogsmeade, the upcoming exams, the rumours of who dated who and so on. It was a nice atmosphere. But only for those who were involved.

"Hey, Black, feeling lonely?" he suddenly heard a sneering voice behind him.

Rolling his eyes, he turned around to see Avery, Nott and Rosier catching up with him.

"Where's your little _boyfriend_?" Avery teased him.

"Oh dear, you must be really bad in bed if you can't even satisfy such a nerd like Lupin," Rosier said contemptuously.

"Doesn't he like your small cock?" Avery added.

Sirius had had enough of it. All the frustration which had been accumulating during the last weeks released itself. In a quick movement, he had grabbed his wand and sent a hard Stinging Hex at Avery, a Knee-Revering Hex at Rosier and -

The next hex did not reach its goal, however, because Sirius was hauled backwards by a curse Nott had cast upon him. It knocked the breath out of his lungs and he landed painfully on his bottom several metres away. The three Slytherins and a few onlookers laughed at him. Grinding his teeth together, he scrambled on his feet and wiped his dirty and bruised hands on his cloak.

"Here's your wand." A young girl, who was so small that she could have passed for a first year, waved his wand in front of him. "It almost got into my eye."

"Do you want me to say sorry, or what?" Sirius said ill-tempered. "It was not really my fault." He took his wand and pocketed it with a reluctant "thanks" to the girl. Annoyed because the Slytherins, dreading his revenge, had already fled, Sirius stomped away.

For the first time, he paid attention to all the other students who went to Hogwarts alone. It was a bit hard to notice them because, apparently, they did not want to be noticed. They tried to fade in with the other cheerful groups, hiding behind them as if being alone was something to be ashamed of. As if it was their fault that they did not have friends. Sirius spotted the little girl who had given him his wand earlier among those nervous outsiders. Her hands buried in the pockets of her cloak, she stood in front of a shop window and stared hard at the displayed stationery. Touched by a sudden rush of sympathy, Sirius walked towards her.

"Hi."

She turned around to look at him with surprise. "Hello..."

"Are you alone here or are you waiting for your friends?"

Her cheeks reddened somewhat. "Waiting for my friends," she said almost defensively.

"Oh, right. You see, today my friends didn't want to go to Hogsmeade with me," Sirius said, surprising himself with his honesty, "and so I thought we could do something together if you're alone here, too."

"Oh. Well. Actually, my friends only ever want to go to Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop." She pointed at the displays. "But I'm not really interested in it, so I reckon it's okay if I leave."

Sirius smiled encouragingly at her. "That's okay," he said simply. "Is this your first Hogsmeade weekend?" he asked when they were walking down the High Street together.

"Second weekend. I was here the weekend before the Christmas holidays, too."

"Ah, yes, it's very nice here at Christmas time."

"Yes," she replied noncommittally.

_She probably was on her own then as well_, Sirius thought sympathetically. He did not know what to reply to that, so he quickly changed the topic. "Have you already been to Zonko's?"

"Er, no. Is it the...?"

"Joke shop."

"Yes, of course. No, I haven't been there yet."

"Then you have a serious gap in education. I have to go there anyway. Would you like to come with me? You could help me choose something for a good prank."

"What kind of prank?"

Sirius scratched his ear. How could he explain this? "It's a prank for someone to... to cheer them up."

"For whom?"

"Er... I don't think you know them. Come on now." He pulled her into Zonko's. As always, it was crowded with people but Sirius did not really handle them gently; he simply shoved smaller students out of their way. Finally, the little girl (Sirius still did not know her name) found something which looked interesting: Prima Donna Potion.

_Just a few drops and all your conversations will turn into ballads, duets or choirs. Wears off after one hour __at the latest – depending on the dose. _

"This could be fun," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I'll just have to mix it into the daily pumpkin juice."

"You want to make the whole school sing?" the girl said, giggling at the idea.

Sirius grinned, too. "Yes, that's the plan." _If everyone sings, no one is exposed and being laughed at._ He took all twelve vials of Prima Donna Potion and fought his way through the masses of Hogwarts students towards the cash desk.

"Do you have more of these?" Sirius asked the shop man.

"I'll check in the stock."

In the meantime, Sirius advised the girl what to buy. She did not know much about joke items but Sirius was an expert. She was very excited about all the pranks she could pull with the joke items and spent all her money here.

A few moments later, the shop man returned with seven more vials. "Attacking the whole school?" he whispered conspiratorially. He knew Sirius very well. After all, Sirius had been a patron of Zonko's for six years.

Grinning, Sirius nodded and paid twenty-five Galleons and four Sickles (the four Sickles being the ones which Remus had placed on his bedside locker today again). It was quite expensive but it would be worth the experience of hearing the whole school sing and hopefully seeing a _real _smile on Remus's lips instead of these wrong smiles he used nowadays.

Equipped with huge boxes from Zonko's, Sirius and Hestia (Sirius had meanwhile found out the girl's name) decided to go to Honeydukes next. There would certainly be delicious Easter sweets. On his way, he saw Remus and Peter sitting on a bench in the sun and eating a butterbeer cream egg each. Sirius slowed down.

"You go ahead," he quietly told Hestia. "I'll follow in a minute, okay?"

She threw a knowing glance in Remus's direction. "You know, I don't mind you being gay," she stated.

Sirius refrained from snapping at her that she had no say at all in the matter whether he was gay or not, and walked behind a tall Hufflepuff so Remus and Peter did not notice him immediately.

"Mmm, this is definitely the best Easter egg I've ever eaten," Remus enthused over the sweet, his mouth full of chocolate-butterbeer cream.

"M-hmm," Peter agreed, licking cream from his fingers. "Honeydukes is famous for them. They're the best. Let's see if I have enough money left to buy some more." He rummaged the pockets of his cloak and found several Knuts, which he counted excitedly. "I'm afraid it's only enough for one egg. We could share," he offered Remus.

Remus quickly shook his head. "Nonsense. You already bought me one."

"Well, maybe I'll leave you a little bit of the rest of it if you insist you don't want so much," Peter said, grinning.

Remus chuckled. "I guess that would be alright. I'm going to wait here, okay?"

Peter nodded and hurried into the shop. Sirius watched him with a very bad conscience. It was his fault that Remus did not have the money to buy himself sweets. Sirius could buy up the whole stock of Zonko's but Remus could not even afford one Easter egg. And Peter did not have much either - but he shared the little bit he had with Remus nonetheless. Sirius felt as if it was his fault that he came from a rich family. As if that alone made him decadent and vain.

He followed Peter into Honeydukes and bought as many butterbeer cream eggs, licorice wands, chocolate frogs, sugar quills and Fizzing Whizbees as he could carry. In the end, he paid almost fifteen Galleons. Younger students, who were frantically counting their pocket money, eyed him enviously when he left the shop with his arms full of the best sweets Honeydukes could offer.

Sirius caught up with Peter right outside Honeydukes. "Hey, Peter!" he called him back.

"Hello, Sirius," Peter said, smiling at him. "Merlin's Beard, did you buy the whole Honeydukes?!" he said with a glance on the huge amount of sweets.

"That's for you," Sirius said, smiling broadly and shoving the sweets into Peter's arms. The slightly smaller boy could hardly carry everything.

"For - for me?!" he gasped, nonplussed. "Why?"

"'Cause you're a great friend. It's your Easter present."

"Since when do we give each other presents for Easter?"

"Just today. I'm in the mood for Easter presents today. I'm just glad we're friends, you know? So I decided I should give you a nice Easter present."

Peter looked at him as if he was crazy. "Er..." He helplessly stared at the many sweets in his arms. "Actually, I've just spent all my money on sweets, so I can't buy you a present as well."

"You don't have to buy me anything," Sirius said quickly. "It's okay, really. Erm... You will share the sweets with Remus, won't you?"

"Yes, of course. Sirius..." Peter sighed deeply. "Why don't you simply give him the sweets if you want to give him an Easter present?"

"He wouldn't take them if he knew they're from me."

"Yes... You're probably right there. So how am I supposed to explain to him where I suddenly got so many sweets from?"

"Say your parents sent you something for Easter. That's the idea - I'm going to go to the post office and send the sweets to you. Then you don't have to carry them with you all the time."

Peter looked still doubtful. "The postage is going to cost very much for all these things."

"Don't worry about that," Sirius said sadly. "I have enough money." _But I don't have enough friends. And you cannot buy friendship._ Forcing a smile on his face, Sirius relieved Peter of the sweets and murmured, "See you later."

Then he remembered Hestia was still in Honeydukes waiting for him. He hurried back into the shop and made a mess by dropping half of the sweets and all of the Prima Donna Potion - which got trampled by the masses of students. Hestia spotted him on the floor and helped him collect the mush which had once been cream eggs and vials with potion.

"Oh dear, no one can eat them anymore," Sirius complained.

"If you're going to throw it away, I'll take them," Hestia said. "I already spent all my money in Zonko's. I'd say mashed Easter eggs are better than no eggs at all."

"Nonsense," Sirius protested. "Besides, you would probably start singing an aria if you ate this mush." He took two Galleons from his purse and shoved them in her little hand. "Here, buy yourself something nice from it."

She blushed deeply. "Don't be crazy. You can't just give me two Galleons. You hardly know me."

Sirius groaned inwardly. Why did all people make such a fuss about getting money from someone else? Why didn't they see that it did not make them inferior if they accepted help? "Just take it, okay, Hestia? I have more than enough money and I swear to you: I'm going to throw all my money into the lake if people don't bloody take it."

"Alright, alright," she muttered and coughed awkwardly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Sirius tried to save what could be saved from the Prima Donna Potion. _You cannot buy friendship._ Sweets were certainly not what Hestia needed. He would have asked her to assist him with the prank (after all, he would have needed someone to stand guard when he mixed it into the pumpkin juice) but there was only half a vial left. He sighed in frustration.

"This is never going to be enough for the whole school," he said.

"Hm. But it's still enough for one person. You could mix it in Filch's tea," Hestia suggested, giggling at her own idea.

Sirius slowly shook his head. "No. It would be wrong to make everyone laugh at him. He would feel really bad…"

Hestia gave him a surprised look. "But Filch is…"

"An idiot, I know. But still… Hey, I got it!" Sirius said excitedly. "_I_ can drink the stuff!"

Hestia gaped. "Erm… Let me get this right. You want to play a prank on yourself?"

Sirius beamed widely. "That's exactly the point."

The shop man of Honeydukes was overjoyed when Sirius again bought a huge amount of sweets. Together with Hestia, he went to the Post, hired four big owls and sent an enormous parcel of sweets to Peter for Easter.

"Right. Now what?" Sirius said undecidedly. "Shall we… I don't know, go to the Three Broomsticks for a butterbeer maybe?"

Hestia shrugged awkwardly. "We could go back to Hogwarts. I still have some homework to do. And I don't have any money left anyway."

"I'm going to invite you. Come on." Sirius seized her arm and pulled her with him.

When they entered the Three Broomsticks, they almost ran into Lily and the Ravenclaw bloke who accompanied her. Lily looked from Sirius to Hestia and she narrowed her eyes dangerously.

"Black," she said in a quiet, yet very angry voice, "this is definitely going too far. You will _not_ go out with such young girls. I will report this to Professor McGonagall if you don't leave her alone right now."

Sirius blinked. "Whoa, Evans, don't freak out, I'm not –"

"I can't stop you from seducing fifth- or sixth-years – if they're stupid enough to fall for you – but I will _not_ tolerate this! Just because you want to get back at Remus! What you're doing is criminal! There's a law which forbids –"

"We're not going out or anything," Hestia suddenly spoke up. Everyone turned their attention to her. "Besides, you know Sirius is gay, don't you?" she said unperturbedly.

Lily huffed indignantly. "That hasn't stopped him from going out with girls before."

"Maybe he didn't know then that he was gay," Hestia argued.

Lily angrily pressed her lips together. "I would be more careful if I were you," she told Hestia.

"Evans is just so pissed off because she misses James so much," Sirius told Hestia and gave Lily a withering look.

Lily glared back at him with equal repugnance. Actually, she looked ready to take her wand out and duel Sirius. "I don't know where you and Potter get all your arrogant and delusional ideas from," she spat. "You're just too big-headed to even consider the possibility that not every girl in the universe falls for you just because you're good Quidditch players and you can do all sorts of nasty hexes."

"And you have to go out with a Ravenclaw just because you can't bring yourself to admit you'd ever be attracted to someone like James," Sirius shot back.

Hestia, Lily and the Ravenclaw boy all spoke at the same time.

"I'm _not_ attracted to James Potter!" Lily said indignantly.

"What has this got to do with being a Ravenclaw?" her friend (or boyfriend?) asked angrily.

"Hey, I'm from Ravenclaw too!" Hestia informed Sirius.

"Sorry," Sirius told Hestia. Then he turned to Lily again and smirked at her. "James wrote me in his last letter to say hello and wish you a Happy Easter."

"Fine!" Lily blushed slightly and seemed to get even angrier. "I'm not interested, you can tell him that! And besides, André and I aren't going out!"

André looked a little disappointed. He probably had been hoping for that. "Let's go," he told Lily quietly. "There's no sense in arguing with him."

"You're right." Without sparing Sirius another glance, she and André left the Three Broomsticks. _You should thank me for that, James_, Sirius thought. _I just saved the love of your life from going out with someone else._

"What's wrong with her?" Hestia asked Sirius once they had sat down at a table and ordered two butterbeers. "Is she jealous?"

"What of?" Sirius asked nonplussed.

"Well, that you're spending your Hogsmeade weekend with me and not with her."

Sirius coughed uneasily. "Er, listen, Hestia. I'm sorry and you're really nice but –"

"Yes, yes, I know you're gay and we're not going out or anything," she interrupted him, rolling her eyes at him. "But maybe Lily thinks so. You see, she didn't get so angry when I studied with Remus once. She never accused him of seducing a young girl."

"Yeah, but that's because Remus would never do that."

"And you would?"

"No. But Lily thinks I would."

"Oh. She doesn't like you very much, does she?"

"Now, that's a big understatement. She _hates_ me," Sirius explained soberly.

"Why?"

"Oh, no idea. I guess there are many reasons. Most of them have got to do with me being a big idiot sometimes."

"I don't think you are. I think you can be quite nice sometimes."

Pondering this statement for a while, Sirius thoughtfully watched her fiddling with her mug of butterbeer. "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I'm not nice, not at all."

Hestia probably thought it was meant as a joke and chuckled softly.

For a while, they were drinking their butterbeer in silence. Sirius could not help but remember all the times he had been here together with James and Peter and later with Remus and Peter.

_You know, I can be nice sometimes._

_Sometimes… I would never think something like that of you._

_What, that I'm sometimes nice? So you think I'm always an idiot?_

_You know what I mean. I would never consider the time I spend with you as wasted time._

Sirius sighed inwardly. _Do you still think so, Remus?_ he wondered sadly, _or do you regard all the time we spent together as wasted time now?_

"Is there something wrong?" Hestia asked slightly worried because Sirius had not spoken for minutes and he just kept staring gloomily at his mug of butterbeer.

"I am... No... Well... Have you - have you ever been in love?"

"Oh. It's about your... boyfriend, isn't it? You're not together anymore, are you?"

"I asked _you_ if you've ever been in love," Sirius said defiantly.

"Okay. Uh, yes. I've been in love with someone."

"Who?"

"My neighbour. He's a muggle. It wouldn't work anyway. We went to muggle school together but then I left for Hogwarts. Besides, he already has a girlfriend."

"I'm sorry."

"Yes. Thanks."

There was an awkward pause.

"So… how come you and Remus split up?" Hestia asked cautiously.

Sirius winced. "Can we please talk about something else?"

"Okay. I thought you wanted to talk about it but it's okay if you don't want to, of course... Uh… what is your favourite subject at school?"

"Transfiguration, I guess."

"That's my favourite subject too," Hestia said delightedly.

"Really?" Sirius tried to smile and sound interested.

"Yes, it's really interesting. It's hard work but it's fascinating how you can transform things and all."

"Yes."

There was another awkward pause until Hestia decided to continue with their small talk. "So, what are your hobbies?"

Sirius shrugged undecidedly. "Quidditch. Playing pranks and experimenting with new spells. Swimming in the lake and annoying the Giant Squid." He shrugged again. "That's about it. What are your hobbies?"

"I like reading a lot."

"Oh, I almost forgot that. Reading is one of my hobbies too."

"Really?" Hestia smiled widely. "That's funny, it seems we really have the same interests. Do you know the _Muggle Trilogy_?"

"Ah, no, I don't think so."

"You have to read that. It's hilarious. A wizard gets into trouble with the Ministry because he accidentally smuggled something illegal and then he tries to hide among muggles and pretends to be one of them. Of course everything goes wrong because he has no idea how to behave as a muggle."

"Sounds cool," Sirius commented.

"Yes, it's very good. And have you read _Attack at Tara_?"

"No, I don't know that either."

"It's very exciting. It's from the same author who wrote _The Cry of the Augurey_. You certainly know that, don't you?"

"Uh, actually… I think I've heard of that but I've never read it."

"Don't worry, it's not as good as everyone says. You should rather read _Attack at Tara_, it's definitely my favourite book. What's your favourite book?"

"_Hairy Snout, Human Heart_."

"Oh, really?" She gave him a surprised look. "I always thought only girls read that book."

"Well, I'm gay, so I'm not supposed to be manly, right?" Sirius snapped. Both of them blushed in embarrassment.

"I didn't mean it like that," Hestia quickly defended herself and gave him a slightly apologetic glance. "I think it's nice if boys read romance novels too. I just thought _Hairy Snout _was a bit… well, the ending was quite predictable, wasn't it?"

"What was predictable about it?" Sirius said, still a little bit cross with her for insulting his favourite book.

"Well, it was so obvious she would come back and apologise to him, wasn't it?"

Sirius frowned very hard. "I don't think it was. You know, that book was not just some soppy romance novel someone invented to make lots of girls – or boys – teary-eyed. It's an autobiography and all of it _really_ happened to that guy. There are _really_ enough people who wouldn't want to be with someone just because they're a werewolf. It's not self-evident that she would come back to him."

"Hm, yes, maybe you're right. I never thought about it like that."

They spent the afternoon in the Three Broomsticks, drinking more butterbeer and discussing books. Well, Sirius could not contribute much to the discussion because he had not read many books yet, but he listened intently to Hestia and tried to memorise all the names of the books so he could look for them in the school library and maybe read some of them.

All in all, the day had not been as bad as Sirius had expected. Unfortunately, the school library did not have the books Hestia had mentioned. Madam Pince explained to him that they did not have books which were for entertainment only. And of course she told him in a not-so-friendly tone to finally bring _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ back – which Sirius did not do, of course. No, this evening he read the last chapter again, for the seemingly twentieth time.

The next morning, Sirius could finally play the prank on himself. When everyone else unpacked the parcels with Easter eggs and sweets from their parents (naturally, Sirius had not gotten anything from his parents), he quickly gulped down the vial of Prima Donna Potion. At least it did not taste that bad.

Everyone in the Great Hall stared at him in surprise when he asked Peter in a loud and high-pitched voice to pass him the "bu-hu-hu-hu-huuuuuu – tter!" Sirius could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. He had not expected his voice to sound so… ridiculous. Why did he have to sound like an opera singer? Why couldn't he sound like a rock star?!

"Erm, sorry?" Peter said, trying very hard not to grin too much. "What did you say?"

"Could you pass me-he-he-heheeeee… the bu-hu-hu-hu – tter!" Sirius groaned. The rest of the Great Hall erupted into loud laughter.

"Sorry, I still didn't catch that," Peter said between giggles.

Sirius glared at him. He was sure Peter only pretended not to understand him to make him sing again. "You're doing this on purpoooooooooooooooose! Argh! What, the name of Merlin – Merlin – Merlin – Meeeeeerlin, happened to my-hy-hy-hy-hy voice?! _Argh._" He had never known he could sing in such a high-pitched voice. "I should stop taaaaaaaaalking!" He quickly clapped his hand over his mouth to make sure he really kept quiet. For a moment, he caught Remus's eye. Remus was sitting a few places to his left and he was grinning widely like most other people, too. Sirius's heart gave a happy squeeze because all this pathetic singing had been worth it to see Remus cheerful once again. But Sirius's happiness did not last long. When he smiled back at Remus, Remus's face suddenly fell and he quickly averted his eyes as if he had done something he should not have done.

"Fuck," Sirius muttered but, naturally, it did not come out of his mouth as a mutter but as a long and loud coloratura. Not surprisingly, that earned him a very annoyed glare from McGonagall and more laughter from everywhere.

One hour later, the Prima Donna Potion had worn off (Sirius had fled from the Great Hall much earlier, though). He concluded that it had not been the best prank he had ever pulled. He had sung himself hoarse and his throat hurt like hell from the unusual use. Now, he was checking the books on Remus's shelf for the ones Hestia had mentioned. Asking Remus if he could borrow one of them would be the perfect excuse to talk to him again. Suddenly, someone coughed behind him. He turned around to see Remus standing in the doorway.

"Are you looking for something?" Remus asked in a neutral tone.

"Actually, yes," Sirius answered in a croaky voice. "I was wondering if…" He coughed a few times to make the hoarseness go away but it got only worse. "…if I could borrow that book of yours," he finished almost in a whisper and tipped his finger against the bookbinding of _Attack at Tara_.

"Why?" Remus asked in a slightly suspicious voice.

"'Cause I want to read it?" Sirius coughed again a few times. "I heard it's really good."

"Yes, it is." Remus undecidedly looked from Sirius to the book and back. Finally, he pulled the book out of the shelf and handed it to Sirius. "Here you are. And I really hope I don't start singing when I get the book back," he said dryly.

Sirius grinned. "Don't worry, I don't usually hex books." He cleared his throat a few times before he continued. "I did it once and Madam Pince almost killed me and since then I haven't dared to mess with a book again."

"That's good to know," Remus commented, took his set of wizard chess and went back into the common room.

Sirius slowly followed, chose an armchair in a quiet corner and made himself comfortable there. He had problems focussing on the book, though. He could not help watching Remus and Peter playing chess together quite cheerfully and eating Easter sweets. _A licorice wand would be nice now… Man, I'm really stupid. Why didn't I think of buying myself at least one box of licorice wands?_ Sighing inaudibly, he turned his attention back to the book. He had already forgotten what he had read so far, and so he had to start from the first page again. Meanwhile, Remus and Peter had finished their chess game. Peter was now playing a match against Alex, and Remus was talking to Lily about something Ancient Runes related.

_Look at them, James_, Sirius thought gloomily. _Do you think we can ever make them fall in love with us? Or are they just too… __**good**__ for us? I guess you can't __**make**__ people fall in love with you. It just sorta happens. All our knowledge of hexes and useful spells won't help here, will it? I hate that I can't just __**do**__ something about it. That I can only hope and never be sure… Gee, I can definitely see why to some people it's so tempting to use Love Potions._

Sirius decided to write one more letter to James (he really hoped his many letters did not annoy James or make him look stupid in front of his peers because he got so many letters from another boy) and enclosed ten Galleons in it for James to buy himself the latest Quidditch cloak which he needed to have so people would not look down at him. Sirius hated to think of his best friend cleaning the changing rooms (and maybe his classmates making fun of him because of it) to earn himself the necessary money. Even more, he hated the fact that the only thing he could offer to his friends right now seemed to be money. _And once I've run out of money, and my good looks have decreased – who will still be interested in me then?_

His gaze wandered back to Remus, who nodded slowly at something Lily explained to him; then to Peter, who tried to convince Alex to play one more chess match against him by raising the stakes to three chocolate bunnies and one box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. _They have so much more to offer_, he thought sadly.

He spent two more hours like that, curled up in the armchair with the book, which he did not really read. He just watched people and wondered whether they were happy or not. Most seemed to be happy. But were they really happy or were it just facades? Were they hiding their true selves?

"Don't you like it?"

"Huh?" Sirius startled and looked up to see Remus standing in front of him.

Remus gestured towards the book in Sirius's hands. "You haven't gotten really far."

He was very right with that observation: Sirius had not even finished the first chapter yet. "No, no, it's very good," Sirius assured him quickly. "I just can't read all the time. I'm…" _…having crazy philosophical thoughts?_ That would be hard to explain. And he was sure Remus would not want to get involved in such a discussion. _No, let's better keep this conversation light. It's good enough that we're talking at all._ "…feeling a bit sick." Sirius tapped lightly on his stomach.

"Why's that?"

"I reckon I ate too many Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies."

Remus eyed him with an odd expression and Sirius tried very hard not to squirm under the close examination. "Here." Unexpectedly, Remus dropped a butterbeer cream egg on the armchair next to Sirius, smiled a brief fake-smile and quickly turned to leave.

Thunderstruck, Sirius stared at the little egg with the golden wrapping paper with the Honeydukes logo on it. "W-w-wait!" he spluttered and jumped up from the armchair. Both the book and the Easter egg fell to the floor due to his haste. He caught up with Remus in front of the spiral staircase.

"Thank you, Remus," he said sincerely.

"You're welcome," Remus said quietly.

"Happy Easter!" Sirius grinned broadly at Remus, who, however, seemed a bit alarmed by Sirius's exclamation.

"Er, yes. To you too," he replied awkwardly, and that was the end of the conversation. Remus turned to climb up the staircase and Sirius knew it was a clear indication that he was not supposed to follow him now. He knew it just as well as Remus knew Sirius could not possibly be sick from Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies. It had been a really stupid lie but in the end it had turned out well.

Smiling silently to himself, Sirius walked back to his abandoned armchair, picked up the book and smoothed the pages, which had got crumpled from falling to the floor. Thoughtfully, he toyed a bit with the Easter egg in his hands and contemplated its strange journey from Sirius to Peter to Remus and back to Sirius. All in all, it had been a nice Easter holiday. Not as good as Christmas, of course, but it was better than nothing.

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**Author's Note:** I need 19 more reviews to achieve 400 - so I would be very grateful for your contribution ;-) 

There are only two more chapters to come... I've long considered writing a sequel to this story where James returns to Hogwarts, the whole school finds out about Remus being a werewolf, then of course Lily/James romance... But it would get very sad in the end because I'd like to stick to canon a bit more (Peter becomes a Death Eater, Sirius suspects Remus... well, you know the story). Would you be interested in reading the sequel or would you rather want me to write something completely new? Ideas are very welcome!


	22. Real Life Doesn't Have Happy Endings

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the long wait... I haven't heard from my beta-reader for about two weeks, which is odd because normally we write each other an email once a day. I have no idea what's wrong (well, I hope there's nothing wrong!) Sentrosi, where are you??? So I've decided to finally post this chapter because I didn't want to make you wait much longer. It's an unbetaed version, though. I apologise for any mistakes in advance. I've reread it several times and can't find more mistakes but English is not my mother tongue, so... Feel free to correct me!

The "votes" for what I should write after this story are sixteen to five in favour of a sequel. Clear majority, so it will be: Sequel! Many of you said something along the lines of "This story is already AU, why don't you just ignore canon and write Sirius and Remus a happy ending? They deserve it!" Hm, yes... The reason why I want to include the depressing canon elements are (1) because I love writing angst and (2) because Sirius has to go to Askaban because then he can break out and then have a very dramatic AU reunion with Remus ;-) The latter reason is the more important one... I really would like to write about them meeting again after thirteen years without the kids and Snape being there to interrupt. And maybe without Wormtail/Scabbers being there, too, so Sirius has to find a way to convince Remus to believe him. See what I mean? I hope that's okay with you?

And now, I proudly present you the last but one chapter of "Hairy Snout, Human Heart". Enjoy!

I dedicate this chapter to all those people who reviewed anonymously throughout the story and whom I could never thank personally. This is for: Shelli, Supacool, lizzy, Benny, red eye witch, aclytie, Miranda, Anon, slashy, IloveMOONY, Miranda, Celdria, Scarlett, TarinkaBlack, Esra, Ashley, adica finch, leslie, Spuffy, Jay, ..., em, E.Nigma, Quinn, laura and salmon. (I hope I didn't forget anyone...) A few weeks ago, I had a discussion with a few other fanfiction writers about writing slash. One of them said she'd always disable anonymous reviews because anonymous reviewers usually wrote very rude things. I'm extra grateful that didn't happen to me and I didn't even get homophobic reviews like "you sick, they not gay" ;-) Thank you everyone!

* * *

**Chapter 22**

**Real Life Doesn't Have Happy Endings**

The next few days things went well enough. Sometimes, Sirius even talked a bit to Remus. Nothing important, of course. It was mostly like: _'Can you pass me the pumpkin juice, please?'_ or _'Have you already done your homework for Transfiguration? I found a good book in the library, it's called "A Guide to Self-Transformation", you might check that one'_ or _'That test was really hard, wasn't it? Do you know what Ötzli wanted to know in the fourth question?'_

Most of the time, Remus answered in a friendly manner. Polite but strained. Sirius was painfully aware of how uneasy Remus felt in his company. He sometimes wondered if it was for Remus's best if Sirius would simply leave him in peace. But Sirius could not do it. It was just impossible. Because he _needed_ Remus. He knew that now. Yes, they could be civil towards each other but it was not enough - not nearly enough. Sirius needed more. He desperately needed the intimacy and affection they had shared earlier. And he knew that perhaps things could never be the same again. That was the price he had to pay for his stupid and cruel behaviour.

He wondered if Remus hurt just as much as he did. It would be unfair. A part of Sirius knew that _he_ deserved it - but Remus certainly did _not_ deserve it. Sirius wished he could use a Time-Turner, go back in time and change the things he had said to Remus. He wished he could heal the chasm between them but at the same time he feared that maybe some things could never be healed – and maybe not even time could do that. All he could do was say sorry - and sorry would never be enough. He had to accept that. But he vowed that, if there ever was a time when Remus needed help, he would be there. He just hoped Remus would accept his help. So far, that had not been the case.

Sirius had already tried once when a few Slytherins had made really cruel remarks about Remus's homosexuality. He had told the idiots to shut up and mind their own business, and Remus had said in a distant and hard voice, _'I can speak for myself, Sirius.'_

They did not fight, they did not insult each other and they did not exchange hard glares either - but all the same, things looked pretty hopeless.

To add it up, one week later, there was an ominous article in the _Daily Prophet_. Sirius was so intrigued by the large picture of a werewolf on the front cover, that he completely forgot his porridge at breakfast and the _Daily Prophet_ got soaked in it. Hastily, he shoved his bowl and glass aside and opened the newspaper.

_**New Wave Of Werewolves Joins He Who Must Not Be Named**_

_Approximately twenty-five more werewolves are said to have joined the ranks of the Death Eaters, the feared followers of He Who Must Not Be Named. His werewolf recruitment proves to be successful. It has been the highest number of werewolves which ever joined him since the beginnings of his activities. Hence the number of werewolves under his order has reached almost one hundred. The Ministry is very worried about these recent developments because they fear that He Who Must Not Be Named will place the werewolves strategically during the full moons to bite people and thus contaminate even more wizards with the curse. And that means more dangerous followers of He Who Must Not Be Named. _

"_The situation __is getting out of control," said Auror Alastor Moody. "You-Know-Who builds up an army of dark creatures, and that army is getting stronger and stronger. We must act now if we want to preserve the faintest chance to stop it. That means, as the first and probably most important step, to stay away from werewolves so no one can get bitten. Everyone needs constant alert."_

_See basic rules for self-protection against werewolves on page 2, an interview with the Minister of Magic can be found on page 3 and a statistic with photographs of all the known werewolves which are Death Eaters on pages 15 and 16. _

Feeling slightly sick, Sirius looked up to meet Remus's eyes. He wanted to see what Remus thought about it and, more importantly, how he took the news. When their eyes locked, Remus's jaw set and he abruptly stood up and almost fled the Great Hall. Helpless, Sirius stayed behind. He skimmed the next pages and read on about the werewolf situation. It was really depressing and infuriating to read about it and he could only imagine how all that anti-werewolf behaviour must feel like to Remus once again.

Finally, he left the breakfast table too and went to look for Remus. He was positive the other boy had gone up on top the Astronomy Tower, although the rain was pouring down in sheets. The rain was even an advantage because it meant no one would follow him up there. _Well, you forgot __**me**__, Remus Lupin. A bit of rain won't stop __**me**_ When he stepped into the open, a cold wind whipped the harsh raindrops in his face. Sirius grimaced and shivered. Did they really have to have this conversation out here? Before Sirius even had the chance to open his mouth to speak, Remus had rushed towards him. He pulled up his sleeves and waved his bare arms in front of Sirius, who took a step backwards in shock and confusion.

"Look, you can look here!" Remus said in an oddly desperate and aggressive voice. "No Dark Mark! I haven't joined him yet! Look at my arms! There's nothing there! I haven't -"

Sirius firmly seized Remus's arms and lowered them. "I never said -"

"The look you gave me was very obvious!" Remus continued furiously. He frantically shook his head, causing drops of water to fly from his completely wet hair. "I know what you think of me, Sirius Black, but I swear to you: I'd never join _Voldemort_! I'm not that stupid! I know very well that he treats werewolves like animals. The Ministry at least treats me like an inferior part-human." He tried to shake Sirius's hands off. Sirius struggled for a moment but then he let go. He did not want to force Remus to stay so close to him. He did not want to hurt Remus. Quickly, Remus backed away until his back met the rampart wall. "I'm surprised, Sirius, you haven't drawn your wand yet," he said in a voice dripping with sarcasm, bitterness and accusation. "Or do you have something else? Maybe a _silver_ bullet? Or a group of hit wizards waiting for me to lose control and slap you so they have a reason to arrest me?"

"Remus, I..." Helplessly, Sirius trailed off. Remus did not really mean that, did he? He could not honestly think Sirius would ever consider doing something like that...right? "You can't believe I'd do that."

"Frankly, I have no idea. I have no idea in what to believe," Remus replied harshly.

"Trust me, I'd _never_ do that," Sirius said, almost annoyed.

"No, I certainly will _not_," Remus said, suddenly in a soft voice. "I made the mistake of trusting you once. I'm not going to make the same mistake again."

Sirius felt his eyes burning and a big lump in his throat. "I - I understand that," he forced the words out. "But I _really_ never thought you had joined Voldemort. That thought _never_ even occurred to me, you have to believe me that." Remus did not reply anything but just angrily pressed his lips together, so Sirius continued awkwardly. "I did not look at you because I thought you were a Death Eater. I was just worried."

"Worried."

"How you'd react."

"Well, how am I supposed to react?!" Remus burst out again. "What can I say? Why should I react in a different way than other people?! It makes me worried to hear of such an army of _dark creatures._ I'm afraid of it, yes, I really am. Maybe even more so than other people. I know what werewolves can do - I definitely do. And yes, I'm also afraid of the Ministry. That they're going to come and arrest me for the fact that I'm a werewolf. Preventive measures, you see?" Remus angrily kicked against the rampart wall. "It's all their fault - those werewolves who are stupid enough to join Voldemort! If they didn't behave like that, if they weren't so damn stupid, the rest of us wouldn't have such a bad reputation and wouldn't be faced with such discrimination! It's all their fault! I _hate_ them!"

Sirius had never seen Remus lose control like this. It seemed like so many words he had buried up for so long were now finally tumbling out.

"Don't say that," Sirius tried to placate him. "It's not the werewolves' fault. If wizarding society didn't discriminate against them so much, if they didn't look down at werewolves and treat them like scum, if werewolves could get decent jobs and didn't have to rely on stealing to survive, then they'd never feel the need to join Voldemort. They do it because they're so desperate and don't see another way. He promises them a better life and who can blame them for trying to get a better life if they live at the end of the social ladder? So often, it's not their fault. They get into such a vicious circle of criminality by sheer accident and then they can't get out of it anymore. If maybe they had a better education and more money and if they got acceptance and respect, things would be so different."

"No." Remus fiercely shook his head. "No, you can't make life as easy as that. You can't just say you're innocent because despair or whatever made you do the things you did. You're still responsible for your own actions, no matter how badly other people treat you. The fact that other people do evil things to you does not give you the justification to do evil things as well."

"Yes, of course you're right, the werewolves who joined him are not entirely innocent, but what I mean to say is: A lot of werewolf crime could be prevented if they were treated better. If people understood where the _roots_ of the problem are, then they could make a change. It doesn't help anyone if they continue arresting werewolves and discriminating against them, it will only make things worse."

Remus frowned and eyed Sirius with mild confusion. "Sirius Black, a werewolf rights activist?" he said with sarcasm. "Did I miss anything? Whatever caused that sudden change of mind? Did someone use a Memory Charm on you? Did you accidentally drink a Confusing Concoction? Or did you simply hit your head?"

"I read a book," Sirius said, smiling sheepishly. "It's called _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_."

"Oh." Remus looked at him with interest. "You read that?"

"Yes."

"How did you like it?" Remus asked, suddenly sounding like they had a normal discussion about a normal book.

"I liked it a lot," Sirius said truthfully. "Well, I mean... it's really sad and so tragic... but at least there's a happy end."

"Yes, indeed." It was hard to tell Remus's emotions as he was really good at masking them. He was staring straight ahead at a point behind Sirius.

"And besides, it was the first book I've read that was written by a werewolf," Sirius continued. "You know, I read loads of books on werewolves and many were very prejudiced. You know, that kind of books that are only meant to increase fear and the prejudices against werewolves. But _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ seemed really realistic. Do you know that book?" he asked curiously.

"Yes."

"And? What did you think about it?"

Remus shrugged nonchalantly. "Not realistic at all."

Sirius flinched. "It's not realistic?" he asked anxiously.

"Well, it's certainly a little more realistic than most textbooks but let's face it: Practically everything _terrible_ that exists happened to the protagonist. He gets bitten by a werewolf, his family is not accepting, he gets abused, he runs away from home, he accidentally kills someone, his friends leave him, everyone close to him dies, he wants to commit suicide, the woman who was supposed to love him leaves him too at the last possible moment, he gets addicted to alcohol, gets in trouble with the Ministry, gets even sentenced to Azkaban for a few days, gets into the clutches of a criminal gang, loses his job, gets shunned by the whole town, must see his ex-girlfriend together with someone else, gets sent into a werewolf camp, gets injured in fights against other werewolves… It's a wonder he never caught the Dragon Pox to complete that series of misery. Really. No one could have that much misery in their life."

"But it's an autobiography," Sirius protested. He felt a bit angry because Remus did not take the book seriously that he loved so much. "So the things must have really happened. Perhaps that's the reason why he decided to write a book about it, so he could cope with things and people would understand that werewolves have such a bad life. And besides, he was neither sent to Azkaban nor to a werewolf camp. You got something wrong there."

"Wow, then there are actually _three_ terrible things that did _not_ happen to him." Remus ran a hand through his drenched hair and slowly brushed strands of hair slick with rain out of his eyes. "I agree with you that that is the reason why he's written it. It's very obvious that he wants people to feel sympathetic with werewolves. But I think that he has probably interviewed other werewolves, taken a few clichés, and his protagonist is actually a creation of several fates."

"So you think the author isn't really a werewolf?" Sirius asked, feeling both shocked and disillusioned.

"I guess he really is a werewolf but maybe he had a very boring life with not so much misery."

"Hm..." Sirius pondered that for a while. He was a bit disappointed but at the same time relieved. "It's good to know that. I was worried that every werewolf had such a bad life."

Remus grimaced. "Don't worry, not everything is as bad as that. You can stop feeling sorry for werewolves now."

"No, no, no, I didn't say that werewolves have an easy life. I mean, it must still be pretty difficult. The transformations are said to be very painful." Remus simply nodded. Sirius could feel his stomach churn again. "Er, Remus, can I ask you something?" he said quietly.

"Yes, go on," Remus said indifferently.

"Did your parents ever...ever beat you for being a werewolf?" He tightly pressed his lips together and waited anxiously for an answer.

"No, of course not. They were always very supportive of me. They tried everything to help me and spent lots of money on all sorts of medicine." A ghost of a smile traced Remus's lips. "I often wished they would rather buy me a new toy broom instead of wasting all the money on senseless and boring stays in rehabilitation centres, and disgusting potions." Sirius smiled widely in relief but Remus frowned slightly. "You got that from the book too, didn't you? That was one more unrealistic thing about it. You see, the parents beat him for the fact that he is a werewolf, they don't speak to each other for years and suddenly they are at their son's marriage and everything's fine again." Remus's lips curled in distaste. "The ending is so hopelessly mushy... so overly sweet... you almost get sick from its sweetness."

"What's wrong with the ending?" Sirius asked defiantly. That was his favourite chapter, after all.

"Oh, come on, Sirius." Remus hugged his arms around himself to keep himself a little warmer. "Isn't it a little bit odd? First, that girl shouts at him that he's such a disgusting monster and then she suddenly changes her mind and comes to him to make this horribly exaggerated and ridiculous and mushy love declaration, and he, a werewolf, gets the most beautiful and most intelligent and most everything girl in the world, who's suddenly perfectly okay with him being a werewolf and always will love only _him_ although she could have _everyone_ else."

Sirius brushed slick strands of hair out of his eyes and blinked a bit angrily at Remus. "What's so unrealistic about it? If she realised that she loved him? If his parents realised they had been wrong to treat him like that? Why can't they change their mind?"

Remus rolled his eyes and gave Sirius an irritated glance. "You're too old to still believe in fairy-tales. You should have realised by now that real life doesn't have happy endings."

Sirius bit his lip and kept silent. Since when had Remus become like this? Earlier, he had been the one to believe in the one true love and in romances like in a soppy romance novel. Had he lost faith when Sirius had rejected him for being a werewolf? Had it happened then that he had become so bitter?

The silence between them was stifling. The raindrops kept drumming against the crenellated ramparts. Sirius felt colder than ever. Shivering, he pulled his already completely soaked cloak closer around him. It was too late. Remus had already given up. Would he now lead a meaningless life like Paul after he had lost Eve? Would the inner wolf take over and feed from his despair?

"Remus?" Sirius asked hesitantly.

"M-hm?"

"Do you have an inner wolf? Like Paul?"

Remus briefly shook his head. He was shivering too and wiped his wet face with the sleeve of his cloak, which did not help at all, of course, because the cloak was just as wet. "It's a metaphor," he said curtly.

"Really?" Sirius said in confusion. "Can you explain?"

"I suppose everyone has dark thoughts once in a while and then they get a bad conscience if they realise they have such thoughts and try to fight them down. But sometimes you can't control your dark thoughts and you hate yourself for just thinking about it. Calling it the inner wolf means nothing more than giving it a name."

Sirius nodded thoughtfully. "Then I guess I have an inner wolf, too." He searched Remus's eyes, willing him to understand. "I often think things for which I hate myself."

Remus just shrugged. "I'm sure everyone does it," he said indifferently.

_Drop, drop, drop_... The raindrops kept falling steadily. Sirius's teeth were clattering. He fiercely rubbed his palms together to keep them warm.

"We should go back inside," Remus said. His lips were already blue from the cold and his teeth were clattering, too. "It's so cold."

"No!" Sirius almost shouted. He would not accept it if Remus simply walked inside again and they would continue their civil but distant relationship. "No. Please. I - I have more questions. Please, Remus. I want to find out about werewolves. I need to understand."

"Then why are you asking me?"

"Because you're really the only one I can trust in this matter. Most of the books are prejudiced and you said yourself that werewolf research is very incomplete. And you said _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ was exaggerated and unrealistic."

"Maybe I lied."

Sirius knew it was a test. _What do you want to hear me say, Remus? That I trust you? I do, you know, I really do. But that's not the point, is it? The question is: Can you trust me?_ "Maybe you did," he replied, "I don't think you did, though. And most of the other things I have read are lies anyway. So I'd rather believe in your lies because, so far, you've been the most reliable source."

"Go on and ask then."

"Right. Er... Do you feel the pull towards the moon?"

Remus almost grinned. Almost. "Certainly not. I suppose that's something you only feel if you look forward to the transformation."

"Okay. Can you smell better than other humans? You know, werewolf senses?"

"That's a hard question. You see, I don't know how well other humans can smell things. But I can't smell something like, '_Oh, Sirius went down this corridor two hours ago_'."

"But some werewolves can do that, can't they?"

"Well, some say they can do it. Maybe because they identify themselves so strongly with the wolf? Or maybe that happens after several more transformations when you have so gotten used to your wolf form? Sorry, I can't give a good answer to that."

"Okay. Can you see in the dark when you're in your human form?"

Remus smiled slightly. "Do you remember when you showed me the secret passageway up here? I bumped my head in the dark because I was too stupid to remember to use a _Lumos_ Charm."

"Yes, I remember that," Sirius said quietly. His lips were trembling viciously.

Another long silence followed that statement. _Drop, drop, drop..._

"I think I'd better leave now," Remus said in a muffled voice and quickly turned around.

"Wait! I - I have more questions!" Sirius said desperately.

"Yes?" Remus said constrainedly and slowly turned back.

"Er, what... I mean, how...?" Sirius trailed off. Of course, he did not have any more questions. He simply did not want Remus to leave now. "Actually, I don't have a question," he said, smiling awkwardly. "Remus... I have come to tell you something." He took a very deep breath. "I have to apologise to you."

Remus's eyes widened somewhat. "What - what for?" he asked uncertainly and there was not the faintest trace of sarcasm left in his voice.

It was not only Sirius's hands that were trembling with cold. His lips, his voice - he was trembling all over. "I - I was so wrong to treat you the way I did. Instead of... instead of rewarding your courage of telling me about your lycanthropy, I rejected you for it, for something which is not your fault at all."

"Sirius," Remus made to interrupt him but Sirius quickly cut in.

"No, Remus, please hear me out. You must give me a chance to explain. Please listen to me. There's more I have to tell you." He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I know now you never wanted to be a werewolf. I understand that there is a difference between you - the man - and the wolf. I know that you cannot control what the wolf does. And I also know that it does not matter if you're a werewolf." So far, Sirius had spoken to the floor but now he quickly looked up to see Remus's reaction. The other boy looked thunderstruck and his lips were trembling too.

"Sirius," Remus said again, in a voice so soft that Sirius could hardly hear it against the drumming of the raindrops.

Sirius quickly continued because now came the important part and Remus _had_ to hear it before he decided to run away. "I love you," he blurted out, "and nothing can stop me from doing so. I love you, Remus Lupin, _you_, the man, not the wolf. You are not the beast - you are still the same person, the same kind, helpful, strong, caring man I fell in love with, and even the full moon cannot transform my love for you into something else. I beg for your forgiveness for all the terrible things I accused you of. I'm so sorry I called you a half-breed." By that point, Sirius's voice broke. He wanted to cry (and maybe he already did but he was not sure if it was the rain or his tears running down his cheeks) but he continued nonetheless.

"You're p-probably more human than I am be-because you never h-hurt someone so much." Sirius swallowed very hard. He had to control himself now! This was important! "I don't h-hate you," he said desperately. "It was my fear that made me say those things. Please give me a chance to love you again." _Please, please, please, Remus. Please give me one more chance._

"I have come to understand that I cannot live with anyone else. I tried to love someone else... It was only Belinda, I never tried to be with someone else afterwards! And we did not have sex, I swear! We stopped because I could not go on because... it did not work because all the time my heart only belonged to you and it always will. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I know things will not always be easy between us, not after the things I did to you. I know I've destroyed your life. I have heard what happened to you during the last years, and I can assure you: nothing of it is your fault. Let me help you fight your inner wolf - even if you don't have one." _What am I saying? This doesn't make much sense. Will you finally get a grip on yourself, Sirius Black!_ He cleared his throat again and bit hard on his tongue. "Let me be there for you after your transformations. I want to be the one to heal your wounds. I want to be the one to embrace you when the shine of the moon calls you. The deepest regret in my life is letting you go. The last two years, erm... the last two _months_, I mean... were devastating."

No matter how hard he tried, his control slipped more and more. He blurted the words out, hopeful that they would somehow help heal what had been broken between them. It had worked between Eve and Paul, and no matter what Remus said about it being unrealistic - Sirius still believed in it. "Every time I looked at the moon, I had to think of you. Every time I kissed Toby, I had to think of our kisses. Every time he told me he loved me, I had to think of what should have been between us. I could think of nothing else but you because I love you so much and I missed you every day. I don't want to go through it again. Please come back to me. I hope that we can still marry, have children and get old together. Please don't leave. It would destroy me."

Sirius took a deep breath. That was the end of the speech. He did not know what else to say. Now it was Remus's turn. Either he would agree or he would not. There was nothing Sirius could do but wait for an answer. _Drop, drop, drop..._ Very slowly, Sirius looked up at Remus. Was he crying too or was it just the rain? Sirius's heartbeat was getting faster and louder until the pounding in his head even drowned the constant sound of the raindrops. _Oh Merlin, Remus, please say something._

"In - in the book..." Sirius laughed nervously. "They... they would kiss now." He tightly pressed his eyes shut and clenched his hands into fists.

Finally, Remus said something. "Who, in the name of Merlin, is _Toby_?"

Good, a question. Sirius took a shaking breath of relief. Luckily, Remus had finally said something. A question. That was an easy question. Sirius could answer it easily. "He's the childhood friend of Paul. He was in the forest with Paul and Charley when Paul was bitten by Sam. He was not allowed to play with Paul anymore afterwards. And, later, he became Paul's enemy. He and Eve had a romantic relationship when she had left Paul. And Toby made sure everyone knew Paul was a werewolf so he couldn't get a decent job anymore. And one day Paul almost killed him. His inner wolf... er, which is a metaphor of course... er, so a part of him wanted to kill Toby but another part of him, his conscience, stopped him just in time. Yeah. That's Toby. Now you know."

"You... you really read that book thoroughly, didn't you?" Remus said hesitantly.

Sirius nodded fiercely. "Yes." He smiled in embarrassment. "I read it several times."

"I thought so," Remus mumbled. Finally, he met Sirius's eyes. His trembling lips formed an uncertain smile. But it was a real smile, a smile which reached his slightly reddened eyes. "You didn't have to learn the whole book by heart to tell me that," he said softly. "You could have just said, '_I'm sorry and I don't care that you're a werewolf'_."

The thoughts were spinning in Sirius's head and his heart was beating furiously and the raindrops were drumming loudly. Before he knew what he was doing, he had rushed forwards and swept Remus in his arms. He pressed Remus tightly against himself, and Remus wrapped his arms around him too and hugged him so tightly that Sirius could have sworn he used Werewolf Strength. The force of the embrace nearly drove the air out of Sirius's lungs but he did not care because this was Remus hugging him, and he could feel Remus's thin and angular frame through the wet cloak, and when he buried his nose in Remus's stringy sandy-brown hair, he could smell Remus's scent of old attic and autumn forest, and everything was perfect because it felt so familiar and so right and because it was simply Remus. Quiet, reserved, gentle, helpful, smart Remus, who also happened to be a werewolf and, most importantly, with whom Sirius was madly in love.

Both of them were trembling viciously. It might be from the cold but it was more likely that it was from all the weeks of tension and hiding and fighting. Sirius clutched the fabric of Remus's soaked cloak in his fists, and he swore to himself that he would never – absolutely _never_ – let Remus go again.

"I-I-I'm so sorry," he stammered, "so, so sorry for – for everything. And I-I-I love you so m-much and I'm so sorry for what I did and I really love you and…" He had no idea if Remus could understand his babblings because it was hard to form coherent sentences when you were shaking all over with sobs and coldness. "I-I-I'm so sorry and I don't care if you're a werewolf or a ghoul or a t-t-troll or whatever because I love you so much and I never want to be with anyone else again…"

"You – you really meant that?" Remus asked quietly, and his voice was only a little bit more controlled than Sirius's.

"'Course I meant it," Sirius sniffed and pressed Remus still more tightly against him (which was probably not possible but he tried to do so nonetheless). "I said it and I meant it. Why shouldn't I?"

"Oh, no idea." Unexpectedly, there was a trace of amusement in Remus's voice. "You said a lot of crazy things about marriage and having kids together and kissing _Toby_."

Sirius chuckled. Well, he actually made a funny noise that was a mixture of sobs, chuckles, gurgles and sniffs. "You – you know what I meant," he spluttered, breathless from the tight embrace and the many sobs. "I… Remus, I hope that you can forgive me someday and I don't know if you'll ever be able to trust me again but… I thought I should let you know it."

"I have already forgiven you," Remus mumbled, "and I trust you."

"You – you do?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"Yeah… I probably shouldn't but I can't really control it. You see, just because _you_ suddenly decide to behave like a complete _idiot_, it doesn't mean I can just decide overnight that I don't love you anymore."

"You really are a very strange boy."

"No, no, no, _you_ are still the one who is strange. Hm… I guess I should have known that, if you accuse someone of being an evil werewolf, it means that you love them."

"I'm really sorry for all the things I said," Sirius said in a small voice. "I didn't –"

"It's okay, I got it," Remus quietened him down. "Besides, you never called me a half-breed."

"I didn't?" Sirius exhaled in relief. "That's good to know. You know, I don't remember much of the things I said that night. I was just so…angry and confused, and I simply shouted all that came into my mind, and that's really all I remember and I'm so sorry and -"

"And I absolutely refuse to let you heal my wounds," Remus continued. "You're horrible at Healing Charms." He loosened his grip on Sirius somewhat so he could lean his head more comfortably against Sirius's shoulder.

Sirius sighed deeply. Slowly, he calmed down a bit. The trembling ceased and made room for a pleasant feeling of peace. "I could learn Healing Charms," he muttered against the scar of the gash on Remus's neck. He wondered if he should kiss that scar but he decided against it. Everything felt just so comfortable like this (it was strange how comfortable it could feel to embrace in the rain with unpleasantly wet and sticky clothes and fingers numb with cold). In the book, they would kiss now but this was not _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_. They were not Paul and Eve but Sirius and Remus and this was their own personal happy ending.

"Besides, it was a metaphor," Sirius mumbled, closing his eyes to relish in the calmness that this embrace brought him. "I meant the wounds of the soul."

Remus snorted. "Of course. Well, you're very welcome to heal my _wounds of the soul_, then."

"I'm definitely going to do that," Sirius said, still in a playful voice but he really meant it.

"You're so cold," Remus said and gently rubbed Sirius's back.

"So are you."

"M-hm. That's why we should go back inside. We're completely soaked."

"Exactly. Can't possibly get more soaked. Let's stay here, just a little longer, okay?" Sirius pleaded. Somehow, he was afraid. He feared all of this might suddenly be over again once they entered the castle.

"Why?" Remus said reluctantly. "We can embrace inside just as well."

"Do you promise?" Sirius asked almost timidly.

"Yes, I promise," Remus said, and Sirius could almost hear the smile in his voice. "But before that, we have to go to Transfiguration. I doubt Professor McGonagall will accept a happy reunion as an excuse for missing in her lessons."

"Okay." Reluctantly, Sirius let go of Remus. For a tiny moment, their eyes locked. Sirius supposed they must both look like a mess: drenched from head to toe, lips blue from the cold and eyes puffy red.

"My school bag is still in the Great Hall," Remus said once they were in the dry. "You can go ahead while I'm getting it."

"No, I'm coming with you," Sirius protested. Now that he had Remus back (were they again whatever they had been before?), he was not willing to risk losing him by letting him go again.

When they were walking through the castle side by side, Remus said lightly, "You really have an odd taste in literature."

Sirius huffed indignantly. "I still think _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_ is a great book."

The corners of Remus's lips quirked slightly up. "Well, I certainly won't complain. It was definitely the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me."

Sirius was a bit annoyed because he was blushing, and he mumbled something unintelligible because he could not come up with a good retort.

"I could lend you some books which are a bit more exciting," Remus offered.

Sirius nodded fervently. "We could read them together," he suggested hopefully. If Remus said yes, then…

"Yes, we could do that."

Sirius's heart made an excited jump and a broad smile lit his face. "That would be great," he said happily. It meant Remus did not intend to turn distant again, and they could become closer once more.

"Should we take the shortcut?" Remus suggested, gesturing towards the hidden trapdoor in front of their feet.

"We're too late anyway… but okay, let's take the shortcut." Sirius directed his wand at the thick rug to make it momentarily vanish with a little _plop_. Remus unlocked the trapdoor with the _Alohomora_ Spell and then jumped down, Sirius following suit. With a shout of joy, he landed on the great trampoline, bounced off, flew through the air in a graceful arc and landed on his feet – though not so gracefully. Chuckling, Remus caught hold of his arms and steadied him. Sirius felt like exploding with happiness when Remus held him much longer than necessary, and he could not help but laugh merrily.

"Definitely my favourite shortcut," he declared.

"Yes, it's the best. Come on now, if we hurry we could still arrive in time." Remus let go of Sirius and crawled through the little hole that brought them in the corridor which led to the Transfiguration classroom.

"Arrive in time?" Sirius said questioningly when he had scrambled through the narrow hole too.

"Yeah, in time that she will only deduct five points instead of ten from Gryffindor."

Sirius could not have cared less if McGonagall deducted five or ten or five-thousand points from Gryffindor but he jogged along the corridor with Remus nonetheless.

"You make up a good excuse!"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Took me a long time to write this chapter until I was finally satisfied with where it was going. I hope it didn't disappoint your expectations. Now, as much as I'd like you to comment on whther you liked this chapter, I have another request: 

I would like you to tell me what you did NOT like about the whole story. Yes, this fic is almost finished and now is the time for constructive criticism. I always want to improve as a writer and I would like to know which things I should do differently when writing the sequel. What should I improve in terms of plot, characterisation, dialogue, description, chapter length, formatting, writing style, punctuation, grammar... Tell me anything that bothered you, even if it's just one little detail. Your help is very valuable to me. And ideas for what I should include in the sequel are very welcome, too!


	23. Hello, Love Of My Life

**Author's Note:** I have the feeling I say this every time in my author's note but I just feel like I have to say it again: Thank you, thank you, thank you for reviewing. It's wonderful to read your opinions on the chapters, to get your support and your advice. Special thanks for the constructive criticism you sent me when I asked for it. I'm really grateful that so many people took their time to offer me suggestions on how to improve my writing. It was particularly helpful because almost everyone commented on another aspect. I'll try to keep everything in mind when writing the sequel. Thanks also to Liila, Miranda and Anon (who reviewed anonymously).

So here is the last chapter. It's not as long as the others. It's mostly just to give Remus and Sirius their well-deserved fluffy happy ending ;-) Sorry for everyone who hoped for a sex scene... I'm not doing this here because I want to do it in the sequel - it fits better there.

* * *

**Chapter 23**

**Hello, Love Of My Life**

Twenty pairs of eyes curiously stared at Remus and Sirius when they entered the classroom together. Both of them were soaked to the skin and so much water dropped from their clothes and their hair that they had left a wet trail behind them. Remus would have felt stupid if he were alone but with Sirius at his side, he felt completely confident and relaxed.

„Black, Lupin!" McGonagall barked at them. "You're fifteen minutes too late. I hope you have an excuse for your behaviour."

"The Giant Squid attacked us," Remus said. They had made up a good story on their way here.

"And it pulled us underwater and then suddenly a group of merpeople arrived," Sirius continued. "They were very angry because we were apparently invading some of their holy places and so they attacked us. We almost _died_." He made a dramatic pause and gazed apologetically at Professor McGonagall. "But then Remus fortunately came up with the spell on how to transform the merpeople into goldfishes."

"That's _enough_." Professor McGonagall gave Sirius one of her deadliest glares and Remus instinctively stepped a bit closer to him. "Fifteen points from Gryffindor for being late and for that ridiculous lie." She turned to glare at Remus. "Mr Lupin, I would have expected better of you." Turning back to Sirius, she scowled even more. "Mr Black, I'm afraid I can't say the same about you but I would have certainly expected a more _intelligent_ lie. The two of you will write an essay why it's impossible to turn merpeople into goldfishes, and –" She lifted her wand and quickly flicked it in their direction, and immediately they were completely dry, "- you will both practise the Water Repelling Spell due to next lesson."

"Yes, Professor," Remus said, subdued. "We're sorry."

"Yes, yes," she snapped impatiently, "now will you finally sit down so we can continue with this lesson."

The only empty place where they could sit together was in the first row. As soon as Professor McGonagall had turned her attention back to the rest of the class, Sirius leaned over towards Remus and whispered, "Is it true that it's impossible to turn merpeople into goldfishes?"

"I didn't know that," Remus whispered back, and he was filled with an odd sort of euphoria that they were sitting next to each other again and that they were sticking their heads together and whispering during class. It was not much but to him it meant the world. "But she must be right. How else could she've found out that it was a lie?"

The corners of Sirius's lips quirked up in amusement. "No idea… maybe because –"

"Black! Lupin!" They quickly looked up to see Professor McGonagall eyeing them with an exasperated expression. "Will you pay attention to this lesson and finally stop talking!"

"Sorry," they mumbled together.

When she had turned away again, they exchanged a quick grin and Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. Nothing could spoil their good mood today, no matter how many points Professor McGonagall deducted from Gryffindor. Neither of them paid much attention in class. They were too preoccupied with all the little things they used to do earlier and which were suddenly so much fun. Like sharing a bottle of ink. Or scribbling notes at each other's parchment or textbook. Or folding parchment dragons. Or simply sitting next to each other with Sirius planning the next prank and Remus taking notes and nudging Sirius from time to time whenever a teacher addressed him.

"Hey." Sirius leaned closer to whisper to him again. "Shall we practise the Water Repelling Spell together?"

Remus nodded eagerly and Sirius beamed enthusiastically at him. Not everything yet was the way it used to be. Earlier, it would have been self-evident that they would practise the spell together. There would not have been the need for such a question. McGonagall's gaze turned in their direction again and they quickly tried to look inconspicuous. Under the table, Remus grabbed Sirius's hand. He could feel the familiar jolt race through his body when their fingers touched – like all the times Sirius had taught him spells and seized his hand to direct his wand movements. All his nervousness and tension ebbed away when Sirius squeezed his hand back. Actually, Sirius clutched his hand so tightly, it almost hurt but Remus certainly did not complain. He was plainly and simply happy that Sirius was still touching him that way although he knew Remus was a werewolf. Was it just a dream because all of this was too good to be true? No. Because in a dream, Remus's hand would not feel numb from Sirius's vicelike grip. In a dream, he would not still feel cold from spending too much time in the rain. And it was all the more better like this. Until –

"_Ouch!_" A stinging sensation cursed through his hand and he jerked it away from Sirius's grip. Sirius did the same – apparently his hand hurt just as much. What had happened? And why did his palm feel like it had been burnt?

"Black. Lupin." Professor McGonagall stood directly in front of their desk. "You have definitely crossed the line now. Twenty more points from Gryffindor. I told you: _No holding hands in my class._ And now, Lupin, you go and sit down next to Mrs Bones. Black, you stay here."

Remus threw Sirius a regretful look, stood up and took his things to sit down next to Cathryn Bones in the last row. From then on, he tried to pacify Professor McGonagall by participating properly in class. But his good intentions did not last for long because soon a little roll of parchment landed gently in front of him on his desk. He looked up to see Sirius turn his head back to give him a huge grin. Against his better judgement, Remus opened the letter and read it.

_Hello, My One And Only Love,_

_You're sitting far too much away from me! I'll have to think of something VERY good to take revenge on McG. Any suggestions are welcome. Do you have any idea how to do the Water Repelling Spell? Because I don't feel like going to the library. Pince is after my blood because I still haven't returned Hairy Snout, Human Heart yet. _

_See you later! I love you!!! __♥_

_Eternally yours,_

_Sirius_

Smiling to himself, Remus began composing a reply.

_Hello, My Truest __Of True Loves,_

_I miss you and it's outright horrible to be so far apart from you and I really don't know how to live without you near me. Now to more important matters: I've never practised the Water Repelling Spell before but I have an idea where to find it, so we won't have to spend too much time in the library. Why didn't you simply ask Madam Pince for an extension of time with your lending?! Now she'll definitely make you pay a fine. You're really stupid…but I love you nonetheless!_

_Yours forever!_

_Remus_

The next letter from Sirius, however, never reached Remus but landed in Professor McGonagall's outstretched hand. A deep crease furrowed her brow and she gave Sirius a very reproachful look before the opened the piece of parchment and read it aloud.

"_Hello, Love Of My Life._"

There was a collective giggle from the girls, and many groans and other noises which were meant to show disgust from most boys. Remus's head was burning with embarrassment but it was not really _bad_. Although he would have wanted to run outside and escape this utterly embarrassing situation, there was a smile on his face, which was currently buried in his hands.

"_Do you remember your promise?_"Professor McGonagall continued reading the letter. "_Two promises, actually. Can you lend me a book of yours and then we could maybe read it together?_"She stopped and the crease on her forehead deepened. "Well…" She gave Sirius one more exasperated glance. "I guess I should be happy if he makes you read." Sighing deeply, she shook her head.

"Professor, I must ask you to please stop reading my love letters," Sirius said and flashed her one of his most charming and roguish grins. "That's really private, you know? The letter is meant for Remus, not for you." He tilted on his chair and turned back to smile at Remus once more. Remus could not help but smile back. Sirius's grins were just too infectious.

-------

Sirius lay in his bed. He was staring at the mist of silver dust above his head. From time to time he flicked his wand to make it emit more little clouds of silver sparkles. _It's beautiful_, he mused. He could not fall asleep. Maybe from happiness. Or maybe because he already missed being near Remus again. During this day, Sirius had become a bit clingy and had refused to let Remus go anywhere without him (the only exception had been the toilet). He still was not sure if things could ever be the same between them again.

Ten minutes later, when he was still thinking about the same things and was still conjuring up silver particles, he decided to do something about it. Quietly opening his curtain, he tiptoed over to Remus's bed and cautiously pulled the curtains open. Awkwardly, he cleared his throat.

"Mm? Sirius, is that you?" Remus asked quietly.

"Uh, yes." What should he say now? _I can't sleep? I'm cold? I had a nightmare? _After all, he needed an excuse for climbing into the other boy's bed. But what if Remus did not want him in his bed? What if he would send Sirius away like he had done to Remus when he had shrieked, '_Get out of my bed, werewolf!_'

"Can I come in?" Sirius finally asked in a small voice.

"Sure," Remus muttered and lifted his blanket up so Sirius could crawl under it.

"Thanks," Sirius whispered in relief. He lay down flat on his back next to Remus, and suddenly he was very self-conscious and did not know what to do anymore. Remus seemed to be just as tense as he was. They lay at one side of the bed each, their arms only slightly touching. Sirius did not know how long it would take for things to get back to normal. He only knew that he would let Remus dictate the pace.

"We still didn't read one of your books," Sirius said quietly.

"You don't want to do it now, do you? It's _late_. And we have Potions tomorrow very early."

"Yes, I know… And we still have to write the essay for McGonagall."

There was a prolonged silence between them. Sirius hardly dared to move because every rustle of the bed sheets was extremely awkward. He was glad it was dark at least.

"What was the second promise?" Remus finally asked in a whisper.

"Huh?"

"You mentioned it. In the, er, love letter which Professor McGonagall read aloud."

"Ah." Sirius chuckled uneasily. "I was just referring to what you said on top the Astronomy Tower."

"Ah." It was strange how loud little sounds like breathing and gulping suddenly were. "You mean the promise about embracing inside the castle?" Remus said softly.

"Yes," Sirius whispered, "well, I didn't mean it like that you have to…" But then a warm arm draped loosely over his stomach and he fell silent. It was not a proper embrace yet but, for the moment, it was enough. Encouraged by that, Sirius turned to lie on his side so he was facing Remus in the dark and scooted a bit closer.

"So your parents don't know yet you're gay?" he continued talking in a whisper.

"No. I… well, I didn't have the courage to tell them." Remus sighed softly. "Must be bad enough for them to have a werewolf as their son. But a gay werewolf…"

"Don't worry," Sirius tried to encourage him although he himself knew very well how hard such things could be. "If they're okay with you being a werewolf, they won't have a problem with you being gay either."

"Yes, it's just… One could say that it was not my fault that I was bitten by a werewolf. I couldn't help but becoming a werewolf. But I can choose now, I could… stop this, you know?"

Sirius's throat constricted at hearing that. The old fear that Remus would choose his family over him resurfaced again. And he could hardly blame Remus for that, could he? Sirius knew what it meant to stand up against your family. He had had James's friendship to rely on. But Remus – he could not rely on Sirius's friendship as Sirius had fully demonstrated during the last weeks.

"I offered to come with you before," Sirius murmured, "and if you still want..."

"Thank you for that," Remus said sincerely. "You could… if you want, that is… Maybe my parents would allow you to stay with us during the holidays. Then you wouldn't have to pay for a hotel again."

"That would be _great_," Sirius said enthusiastically. He was not so happy because he could save the money for the hotel stay like that – no, he was on cloud nine because Remus wanted them to spend the holidays together.

"And then we could also practise duelling together," Remus said.

"And we could read books together every night," Sirius said, in his excitement forgetting to whisper. But he did not care at all if the other boys in the dormitory heard them.

"We could camp in our garden and cook over a campfire just like muggles do – without magic."

"And you definitely need some more Quidditch training."

"Maybe Peter could come over for a few days, too."

Already picturing everything in his mind, Sirius smiled widely to himself. "Remus?"

"Hm?"

"This is going to be the best summer holidays I ever had."

Sirius could hear some more rustling of bed sheets and the creaking of the mattress, and then

Remus's voice was very close to his ear. "Have I told you that I love you?"

"Er… Not today. Not directly, anyway. You wrote it in one of the letters…" Sirius trailed off when he felt Remus's thumb gently caressing his face until it came to rest on his jaw line. The urge to kiss Remus now was almost overwhelming but he also felt like he did not have the right to do it. So instead he cautiously placed a hand on Remus's waist and lightly stroked his side.

"I do love you," Remus mumbled. "Just so you know. Actually, I love you very much and… and I'm just happy that now… I mean, I thought we would never… argh, forget about it." And then – suddenly, unexpectedly, wonderfully – Remus's lips were on Sirius's, and everything felt just so _right_. Remus's slightly chapped lips brushing Sirius's quivering ones felt so right. Remus's calloused fingers cupping Sirius's face felt so right. Remus's scarred skin under Sirius's fingers felt so right. All doubts about Remus ever leaving him were forgotten because where was a place for doubts when Remus was kissing him _like this?!_ Sirius had definitely never been kissed like this before. If it were to him, this kiss would never have stopped and both of them would have died from lack of oxygen. Remus, however, obviously did not intend to kiss Sirius to death because, in the end, he separated them.

"Gee – I'm so – out of practice," Remus panted, totally out of breath.

Sirius chuckled and tried to recollect his breath at the same time, which produced some very odd noises. "I always remembered that kissing you felt great," he said when he could finally breathe normally again, "but I'd completely forgotten that it felt _that_ great."

Remus just laughed quietly but did not say anything in return. Thoughtfully, Sirius traced one finger over the scar which went from right under Remus's left eye to the base of his neck. "Did I ever tell you that you're beautiful?" he said quietly.

Remus snorted. "You're only saying that because it's dark and you can't see me now."

"No, I mean it, Remus," Sirius said earnestly, "and besides, true beauty lies within."

Remus laughed again and punched him lightly in the side. "And you certainly know that saying '_true beauty lies within_' is only a metaphor for saying '_you're ugly_'."

"What? What? No, I didn't mean it like that!" Sirius protested. "_If_ it was a metaphor – and I don't think it is because it is the truth – it would mean something like '_you're ugly but I love you nonetheless_' but I –"

"Ph, '_You're ugly but I love you nonetheless_'." Remus laughed even harder. "Well, I can certainly live with that."

"Remus! You're misunderstanding me on purpose!"

"There's no reason why I'd ever doubt your words. I know you think everything you say through very carefully," Remus retorted playfully.

"If you'd just take me seriously for once – and no, don't even _think_ of making a stupid pun now –"

"Whoever said I was –"

"I know you were –"

"Now you are –"

"You always –"

And suddenly they were tickling, kicking and punching each other, and before either of them knew what was happening, both of them landed on the floor in a tangle of limbs, bed sheets, blankets and pillows. They groaned from the pain and giggled at the same time (because could there be anything funnier than falling out of bed?!).

"Oh Merlin, please save us from this," Chris's voice could be heard in the darkness.

Alex lit his wand to see what was going on and Peter's face curiously poked out of his bed curtains, too.

Chris quickly covered his eyes with his hands. "Switch off your wand, Alex, I don't want to see this," he said in a suffering voice.

Alex gave a pained groan. "It's a pity the poufs got together again. It was so nice when you weren't acting all…poofy. Well, guys – and by that, I don't include you two –" He gestured to Remus and Sirius, who were still on the floor. "– there are hard times coming for us again. We must be strong to try to ignore their, ah, activities… And you," he addressed Sirius and Remus now, "could actually help a lot if you cast a Silencing Charm and stayed in, well, whatever bed you're using."

"We'll try to keep that in mind," Remus said, grinning widely at Alex.

Sirius turned to Alex now, too. "So you mean to say it would be okay if we used your bed as long as we did not fall out of it?" he asked innocently.

Alex opened his mouth to protest but Sirius never heard what he was going to say because then Remus abruptly caught Sirius's face in his hands and kissed him thoroughly. Sirius was so taken aback by that, that he did not even respond immediately. He really admired Remus's nerve: They had never kissed in public before. Truth be told, it did not make much of a difference. It felt just as great as before, and it was not hard to ignore the other boys, who were groaning in disgust or were pretending to be retching, when Remus's hands were entangled in his hair and Remus's tongue was brushing his bottom lip. Charitably, they decided not to trouble the other boys any further, and relatively quickly let go off each other.

"Ah, my poor heart." Alex theatrically clutched at his heart. "Could you please refrain from doing this in the open? I think Chris already got a heart attack." He gestured towards Chris's bed, whose curtains were drawn very tightly (Peter had disappeared behind his curtains as well). "You don't want to be responsible for his death, right?"

"No, we wouldn't want that," Remus said, smirking. Then he pulled Sirius (and the blanket) back to bed and gave Alex a charming smile. "Good night, Alex. Sweet dreams."

"Hey, are you flirting with him?" Sirius said in mock indignation and quickly closed the curtains around them.

"Rather nightmares than dreams," they could hear Alex mutter.

"I thought we established that I'm the love of your life," Sirius continued, "and eternally yours and –"

"_Silencing Charm!!!_" Chris and Alex shouted together.

"Okay, okay!" Sirius shouted back and finally added, "_Silencio_." As soon as there was the Silencing Charm around them, there was an odd quietness between them again. But it was not as awkward as before. Remus had his head rested against Sirius's shoulder, and Sirius's arm was loosely wrapped around Remus's chest. Writing the love letters and provoking the other boys had been fun but now they were a bit at a loss for words. And most of all, they were tired.

When Sirius had almost drifted off to sleep, Remus's quiet voice brought him back. "I've done some thinking."

"Ah," Sirius mumbled sleepily.

"About what you said after you, ah, attempted to save me from the silver carafe."

"That was very stupid from me and I'm really sorry for it," Sirius said quickly.

"Come to think of it, it was rather nice of you," Remus said in a mildly amused voice, "but totally pointless, of course. No, what I've been thinking about is what you told me about me keeping things secret from you and never telling you anything about myself."

"You shouldn't spend too much time thinking about the things I told you during the last weeks," Sirius said, feeling really disgusted with himself, "because all of it was utter crap."

"But I think you had a point there," Remus continued unperturbedly. "You told me so much about yourself and I hardly ever told you such private things about myself."

"Well, you had a good reason to keep them secret…"

"So I came to the conclusion that I should change that. If you've got any questions, I'll answer everything."

"Remus…" Sirius affectionately combed his fingers through Remus's stringy hair. "You don't have to do that. It's okay to keep things secret. I… I don't have a right to know your secrets or something like that. I only said that because I was angry… and I was so stupid."

"But it's not such a big deal. I can tell you how I was bitten and everything. I thought you wanted to know?"

It would have been a lie if Sirius had said he was not interested at all. To be honest, he was still as curious as ever how Remus had been bitten, and he had thousand more questions. "Only if you want to tell me," he uncertainly said nonetheless.

"Well, I do want to tell you. Come on, ask me something. What do you want to know about me?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "Okay. What is your favourite colour?"

"Sirius?" Remus asked, completely perplexed.

"That's what I want to know about you. I want to know what your favourite colour is."

"Uh, dunno. Blue?"

"Blue? That's cool!" Sirius said enthusiastically.

"Well, what is yours?"

"You have three guesses."

"Black?"

"Nonsense. That would associate me too much with my _family_."

"Silver?"

"Correct! How did you know?"

"The picture of that motorbike you showed me. It had silver stripes on the mudguards."

"Yeah. Makes it look pretty cool."

"Yes."

"But blue is a nice colour, too."

"Dark blue."

"M-hm."

"So… Do you have any more questions?"

"Yes. What is your favourite book?"

And so it went on and on. _What is your favourite song? What is your favourite animal? What is your favourite sort of tea? Who is your favourite Quidditch player? What is your favourite spell? What is your favourite shop in Diagon Alley? What is your favourite time of the year? _…until Remus suddenly said, "I don't remember how it happened when I was bitten. I just remember that I was outside alone. My parents told me that we'd gone for a walk together and I'd got lost. They only found me when it was already too late. My father managed to chase the werewolf away from me. I don't know what happened to him or her. Probably in Askaban. Or… well, I never found out who it was."

Sirius held his breath. Instinctively, he tightened his hold on Remus. Cold shudders were running down his spine and something clenched painfully in his guts. Hearing Remus retelling the events in such a detached voice… picturing a small, helpless boy who was attacked by a werewolf… imagining all the things Remus had _really_ gone through…

"I'm so – so sorry," Sirius said in a choked voice and he decided he had to kiss Remus again because he could not find the words to say what he wanted to say.

"Sirius? Are you crying?" Remus asked softly when Sirius was finished with his sloppy kiss.

"No."

"See, there's no reason to get yourself all worked up over this," Remus reassured him. "I didn't get bitten because I sacrificed myself for someone else. It's nothing spectacular. It's just how it happens. I'm not a hero like that guy in the book. Sure, sacrifice your own life for someone else at the age of five…again, it's highly unrealistic."

"Paul was _seven_ when he was bitten," Sirius corrected him. "And I don't think it's unrealistic. I think you'd have done the same if a werewolf had attacked your little brother."

"Even at the age of seven, I wouldn't have been that heroic. I'd have run away as any normal seven-year-old child would've done."

"You only say that because you don't know what it's like to have little brothers."

Remus was silent for a moment. He lightly rubbed Sirius's back when he said in a quiet voice, "You still love him, don't you?"

"Don't be stupid," Sirius grumbled. "He's as bad as my parents. He always snitches on me. And he gloats if my parents punish me. It's the only way the little idiot gets the attention he wants."

"Yes, but that doesn't stop you from thinking of him as your little brother, does it?"

Sirius only harrumphed and silently wondered if Remus would still understand him if he suddenly started speaking/grunting Troll.

"And what happened then, after you were bitten?" his curiosity finally got the better of him.

"Well, then I've been a werewolf."

And Remus told him everything, the good and the bad things, the things that were hard to tell, the things that hurt and the things that must stay secret forever; and through it all, Sirius held him in a tight embrace and tried to make up for everything Remus had gone through with lots of kisses. There were several sad parts of Remus's story but, fortunately, it had also happy and funny parts. It was not nearly as tragic as Paul's tale in _Hairy Snout, Human Heart_, and Sirius was thankful for that.

THE END

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**Author's Note:** Everyone who has never reviewed so far: This is your last chance ;-) You don't have to be a member of this site to post a review, you can simply review anonymously in the name of You-Know-Who or whatever (you don't even have to give your email address) and just let me know you read this story. 

Watch out for the sequel called "Wanderings with Werewolves"! I hope to post the first two or three chapters before Christmas. It would be great to hear from many of you again during the sequel. Until then - take care!


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